


Call Me a Sinner

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Blasphemy, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, But you still eat it because it's tasty, Family Problems, Fluff, Hoseok hates math, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is inexperienced, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pure Changkyun, Religion, Smut, Temptation, The cookie that you're not allowed to eat, The hottest kiss you've ever read, Tolerance, Top Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Tutor Hyungwon, We will never stop writing Hyungwonho just watch, deep discussions, student, student hoseok, the tiny difference between religion and faith, tutor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:22:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 174,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22814566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: Rules help us to find orientation, but what if there are so many that they confine us and take our ability to breathe?He was convinced that everything was set for him until temptation comes into his life and makes him understand that sometimes temptation can give you everything you've ever wanted.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 57
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: **Call Me a Sinner**. We really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with the difference between faith and religion, labels and expectations and what they do with a person.  
> The story is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
> If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Write us a brief dm so we can accept your follow)  
> [INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon and pure Changkyun  
> SMUTSIS_maria writes Wonho/Hoseok, Hoseok's mom (goals) and Kihyun  
> As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie and to Angie, who drew a GORGEOUS cover for that work.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story prepared after this one, so stay tuned.)

CHAPTER 1

Bright rays of sunshine reached his face and forced him to turn in the warm sheets. Sun on his face meant that it was around eleven, but it was okay to sleep longer because it was Tuesday and his first course didn’t start for another two hours.

_And because you're hungover._

His head was buzzing in the most uncomfortable way and he rolled around with his blanket caught between his legs until he finally decided to open one eye and glance at the high ceiling.

_You should've closed the blinds._

Maybe, but he also hated sleeping in complete darkness, so it was way better to be woken up by sunshine rather than by an annoying generic melody on his phone, ripping him out of some nice dream.

Remembering how Kihyun tried to gulp down a shot and choked on his spit, Hoseok giggled and rolled to the edge of the king-sized bed and reached for the water, drinking the entire glass but still feeling like Groot. He wanted to perform some cool acrobatic trick to jump out of bed, but his equilibrioception refused to comply so he carefully held onto the table and rose to his feet, chuckling at the dizziness until the nausea hit.

_Your brain is reacting just right._

The door screeched, and he was tackled by Jeezy who didn't care about his hangover and difficulties with balance, being ridiculously happy and licking his face after probably licking his balls, but oh well. Not that he was any better.

_You would probably lick your balls too if you could._

"Good boy," he giggled and tried to fight the nausea as he pulled himself up from the parquet floor and crawled towards the bathroom very much to Jeezy's naive excitement.

"Now let me pee, okay?" he asked after the loud bark right in his ear and closed the door to prevent the dog from trying to drink the water out of the toilet. Jeezy was whining and he hummed while brushing his teeth to get rid of the disgusting taste in his mouth. Suddenly the bell rang, accompanied by furious and pseudo dangerous barking and he hurried towards the front door through the long hallway, almost falling on his face as he turned around the corner, toothbrush still in his mouth. He pressed the button and waited until the two people climbed up the stairs to the fourth floor while he pushed Jeezy behind him and fixed his underwear. He thought it was the postman bringing some of the books he ordered, but instead it was two middle aged guys who seemed slightly confused by his antics and concerned by Jeezy’s barking.

Taking the toothbrush out of his mouth, he tried not to vomit, swallowing some of the toothpaste mixture in his mouth and murmured 'How can I help you?'

The man on the right was the first to compose himself and emphasized his unusually wide mouth by spreading it in a smile. His pitch-black hair was cut short and the bangs were styled back, robbing the strands of their freedom. He looked friendly enough and not like the smile was overly fake.

"Please excuse the unannounced disturbance," the man with the wide mouth began while the second, taller man seemed to remember his purpose. He took off a simple black hat and showed off a mixture of grey and blonde hair, the transition between which was impossible to determine. Both men were dressed in thick coats for the weather, the opposite of Hoseok's underwear. "As Christmas is a time of giving and thinking of those in need, we are currently collecting donations to provide a Christmas Dinner for those who are unfortunately unable to afford it."

_Great._

The taller man took out a leaflet as if they had coordinated it in advance with one talking and the other one showing pretty pictures about it. The typical Christmas decorations were shown with a child sitting next to a Christmas tree and receiving a simple wooden toy. "Like every year, this event is organized by the Catholic Church and dependent on your generosity to contribute."

Fumbling with a bag, the man on the right took out a sealed box with a small slit on the top while the man on the left prepared several envelopes in different colors. The wide smile reappeared again as the black-haired man explained that Hoseok could put an arbitrary amount into the envelope and add it to the box or fill out a form for a bank transfer as the times have changed.

“Do those people even celebrate Christmas?” he asked despite the saliva that collected in his mouth because he refused to swallow more toothpaste. “Also, doesn’t the church get like shit tons of tax money? Why build gigantic buildings with terrible environmental impact, if you can just give it to those who really need it?” The black wet nose appeared between his legs accompanied by malicious snarling. “No, Jeezy, you can’t eat them.”

Hoseok scratched over his tattooed thigh with the end of his toothbrush and tilted his head, wondering why those people came to him. He was the worst possible choice to talk about religion.

“Many people celebrate Christmas, but do not have the means to do so,” the man with the big mouth resumed and smiled again, talking calmly like this wasn’t the first time that he had to explain the reasoning behind the donations. “The church does indeed receive tax money, however, the buildings you are talking about - churches I assume - were built a long time ago, so tax revenue is not used on them. The money is used for salaries, schools and local projects. Unfortunately, that stream of funding is not unlimited, so there are people like us who hope to motivate others to help.”

The black-haired man seemed very convinced of what he was doing, whereas the taller guy merely held the envelopes and nodded during the right bits.

“I guess you don’t get money for doing this because you’re confused by dogma and think that you’ll go to heaven or something, but you’re not lost, wait a second,” Hoseok commented and swallowed the toothpaste before pushing Jeezy back into the apartment and running to the kitchen table to get the two forms he wanted his parents to fill out. “Look, you can give your liver or heart or skin to somebody who needs it after you’re dead or give your brain to science, how about that?” He gave each of the men an organ donation form and smiled.

Again, the black-haired man with the wide mouth was the one to react first as he accepted the form and examined it intently. Smiling once more, he lifted his head and handed it back towards Hoseok again.

"You seem very enthusiastic about helping those in need! Donating organs is also very important and I already have a donor card," the man replied and gestured towards the leaflet again. "Even though this isn't about life and death, it still enables families that cannot afford food and presents to enjoy a proper Christmas celebration."

The taller man finally finished reading the form and looked a little paler than before as he also returned it to Hoseok and fumbled with the envelopes.

Jeezy started getting impatient, pushing his cold nose against his naked leg and making sounds that went towards barking. His head started hurting in a bad way, so he grabbed one of the envelopes from the man who didn't look as if he had the physical features to swallow him whole and smiled. "I'm the research type, so I'm going to look it all up and then decide whether and how much I'm going to donate. Worst case, I'll go there and make sure that those people get their food."

"Oh, you can look it all up in this leaflet and we could come back later after you thought about it. Would you prefer that?" the black-haired man asked and hugged the box in his arms as if it were a soft toy that he loved the most. "Unfortunately, it is easy to forget to do something, even if we planned to do it."

"Thanks for the information, I'll make sure to look it up." Hoseok was slowly getting annoyed because there was so much wrong with the church that he could've spent ages talking about it, but no, those people preferred to portray him as the forgetful one, someone who didn't want to help. The worst. "My dog doesn't like you and is pretty stressed, so good luck with your mission." Smiling with his last available energy, he moved back and closed the door, throwing the envelope on the table.

“See, Jeezy, you were right this time, those people act so high and mighty, thinking they know it all and are morally superior based on a stupid book and a huge portion of hypocrisy,” Hoseok commented, walking down the hallway to the bathroom to take a long hot shower and prepare for the math tutorial later. He really hated hypocrites.

_

“But you know what I also hate?” Hoseok threw two pieces of spearmint chewing gum into his mouth and had to really bite down on them as they were hard because of the cold.

Kihyun was humming during his lengthy elaborations and tried guessing unsuccessfully. “Cheap Vodka? Hungover eight o’clock lecture? Prof. Baumann? People who can’t use their cognitive potential for the simplest of tasks?’”

“Yes, yes, yes, but also math. I really need to pass this one and then it will be fine. Just this one. God, I hate it so much, please just smash me. And then those religious dudes came by, trying to trick me into donating for a good cause when they’re literally swimming in other people’s money, as if I’m not stressed enough after drinking three tequila shots one after another and having to explain why I am not looking for anything serious right now.”

“Why didn’t you go to the lecture then? Didn’t you say you needed to understand?” His friend didn’t understand the value of a free mind and enough hours of sleep and he almost felt guilty before remembering that he went once and didn’t learn anything, so it didn’t feel as if he lost anything by skipping it.

“Because I’m pretty sure that the Professor speaks English, but I understand absolutely nothing. That’s why I’m going to the tutorial because pure Changkyun said that he knows the dude and that he can teach a dog math. I’m about the level of a dog, so let’s hope for the best.”

Kihyun grinned and imitated said Changkyun being completely wasted and slurring the ‘I’m pure’ at them.

Waving as his best friend disappeared into the restrooms, he made his way to the second floor where the tutorial was about to take place. Thankfully he wasn’t the only one there, with a subject like math, he expects a good turnout. Unfortunately, the dozen other students all looked more proficient than him.

_Not that it’s hard._

Smiling at the long guy who was typing something on his laptop, he sat at the side, having high hopes to not be recognized and also not asked anything specific. Or preferably not asked anything at all.

Hoseok had expected the usual anonymity he knew from full lecture halls, but this tutor was different. The long guy lifted his big round eyes and introduced himself as Hyungwon, a mathematics major in his third year and would be doing the tutorial for the third time.

_Maybe he knows how to deal with people like you._

Just when he developed some hope, it was mercilessly crushed as Hyungwon started talking about the last lecture he hadn't attended and distributed copies of formulas that caused him a headache just from looking at them. It was devastating, but he really needed to pass. Just passing was enough, but for passing one needed at least some basic knowledge and it didn’t look like he had any.

_Mom told you to get somebody to teach you if you don’t get it._

Over the next forty minutes, Hoseok creepily assessed the tutor’s skills and qualifications, wondering if he would be able to teach somebody like him and after watching the long guy explain quantities to a dude from his course, he decided to ask.

“Alright, those are the basics for you to be able to solve the assignments. Do you have any questions?” the tutor asked when there were exactly ten minutes left and sat down on the table, one long leg dangling down. The guy seemed calm even though he had to explain the same concepts at least three times and not necessarily to different people. That was a very good sign. "We will be discussing the solutions next week, so you have a better understanding of how to use those definitions from today."

Hoseok stayed silent and decided to ask once all the people were gone. He waited as a girl asked something just to show that she understood some concept that he didn't and the students slowly left the room while he acted as if he was looking at something on his phone. The tutor was stuffing his laptop into his shoulder bag and was just about to leave, so he jumped up and walked around the rows of tables.

"Hey, I was wondering whether you have experience with one on one teaching because I am searching for someone who can teach me the basics but not in a group setting." He smiled and threw his own backpack over his shoulder, playing with the zipper on his jacket.

"Hey," the tall guy greeted back and glanced up from his stuff, nice smile in place. "To be honest, the only time I've done one on one teaching was in high school and that's a while ago. Are you worried about speaking out in the group setting? You could write me an email and I'll do my best to answer."

_You could if you knew what the fuck you're supposed to ask._

"Okay, listen, it's not that I'm shy or anything, not at all, I just don't know shit and I need to pass the course because I'm pretty good at everything else. I could write to you, but it would end up as a 'please help me' or something. I'd pay, so you just need to tell me the hourly fee and whether you would do this to yourself. You would definitely save my life to be honest."

After listening to his concerns, the guy nodded in understanding and took out a pocket planner while furrowing his eyebrows in thought. He was surprisingly organized for the usual mathematics major that Hoseok saw on campus.

_They usually don't talk to people, do they?_

"The way you describe it makes it seem like the tutorial wasn't really helpful to you. I'm sorry about that." Chewing on his cheek, his tutor picked up his calendar and opened the page for the semester, scanning over his lectures and responsibilities. It looked like a lot from the amount of blue color. "I'll gladly help you, I'm just not sure if you _really_ need one on one lessons or if you're underestimating what you can do. Math is doable once you get the basics and lots of people give up early on."

"You talk like someone who has never met somebody like me, which is okay. Maybe you can look at what I can or rather can't do and recommend someone who is more willing, if you like. I just need to get this going somehow." Stuffing both hands into the pockets of his thick jacket, Hoseok waited for a reply.

"Oh, please don't misunderstand, I'm definitely willing to help," the guy smiled again and made a small note at the side before switching to the current week, "I just have lots of people who say they can't do it but do amazing in the end. If you like, we can meet up and I'll do my best to explain and then you can decide if you would like to have more instruction and think it's necessary. Does that sound good?"

_He is willing to do it?_

"Very good! Just tell me when and where I have to go and I'll be there," he replied and pulled out his phone to write it down. "I'm Hoseok by the way, sorry I didn't introduce myself."

"Don't worry about it, you probably only know my name because it's written on the whiteboard," his tutor pointed out with a grin and gestured towards the word 'Hyungwon' that was still written below a bunch of formulas that Hoseok skillfully ignored. "Your schedule is probably fuller than mine since you must have a bunch of lectures. How about we meet in one of the seminar rooms in the afternoon next week and see how it goes. Wednesday is pretty good for me."

"Wednesdaaaaaaay," he pulled, glancing at the red schedule bars. "Yes, sounds good, but I'm only free starting at six if it's okay and not too late for you." Hoseok created a new schedule and wrote 'math with Hyungwon' on it.

"Six is perfect since I have a tutorial session and will have time to correct some assignment, but will you have enough time to do the assignments before then?" Pulling his eyebrows together, Hyungwon noted the appointment before looking up the deadline and seeming concerned. "You have to hand it in on Tuesday. Did you already find a group that'll help you out?"

"Honestly? My friend will do it for me because there's no way I'll understand it before then, but I'm putting all my trust in you, Hyungwon." Grinning brightly, he started a new email and typed his mobile number before sending it off to Hyungwon's email address. "I sent you my number, so you can write if something comes up or if you changed your mind."

_That's more likely._

"Sounds good, but next time don't tell the person who'll mark your assignment that you plan on cheating." Winking at him, Hyungwon packed his planner back into his shoulder bag and slipped into a thick winter coat that reached all the way to his knees. He didn’t look like a mathematics major, but rather like one of those business guys. Despite mentioning a reason for getting fucked over at university, the tall guy was smiling as he said it, so it couldn't have been that bad. "But I'll do my best to make sure you won't need to cheat for the next ones."

"You would've found out anyway, so what's the point in lying? Thank you for taking the time," Hoseok replied before closing the zipper on his jacket and walking towards the door. "See you on Wednesday."

_

The music was full of bass and perfect for rolling his hips. Hoseok loved it, especially because he had slept until noon and was full of energy. The good mood and his body's condition were perfect for his plans to party until eight in the morning, or until the staff threw everybody out because they wanted to go home too.

_You’re always there when they throw people out._

Because Hoseok loved partying. It was one of the best things about college and he enjoyed it to the fullest. Familiar short black hair appeared in his sight and he recognized Lien before she recognized him, short curvy body immediately moving to the beat and slim arms wrapping around his waist.

“It’s so good, right?” he yelled, grinning brightly because the beer made him feel cheerful and at ease, hips moving in smooth circles along with his friends. It was so much fun.

“Yeah, I think the DJ is new, she has some mad skills,” Lien screamed in her high-pitched voice and he imitated her, just to get his chest slapped. He acted as if it hurt his body and his feelings, pouting and looking past the short girl just to get a minor heart-attack.

_Why the fuck is he here? Oh no!_

Panic was an understatement and he crouched down, hissing at his friend and trying to hide. “Why the fuck is your brother here? Did you tell him that you’re with me?”

“What? Of course not, I said I’m with Cathy.” Lien didn’t understand the emergency of the situation, so he had to act himself and improvise because the bulky body moved right in their direction.

“Fuck, he’ll kill me,” he whispered and dove in between some of the people dancing, furiously thinking about how to save himself. Lifting his gaze, he had a short moment of familiarity with a tall guy who was smoothly bobbing to the beat without using big moves, one hand occupied by a glass of something that looked suspiciously close to plain Coke. The guy was skillfully holding his drink aside to have enough space to dance while not spilling it all over the crowded dance floor.

_Who’s that? You’ve seen him somewhere._

Having seen the other dude and maybe talked a few words was enough for his desperate situation, so he smoothly popped up right in front of the guy who looked a little bit like a Golden Retriever with his lengthy dirty blonde locks. A few glances told him that he was recognized, at least he hoped so, then it went fast. A look to the side showed him that Chen, Lien’s scary brother who hated him more than anything was coming closer, just about to talk to him, so he bit down on his lip and wrapped his arm around Golden Retriever’s waist, hoping to remember what their affiliation was before he got hit or anything similarly painful. “Do you like the music?” he asked the dumbest question, brain unable to function under pressure as usual, but hips doing just fine with the smooth rolls. He wished it was the other way around, but oh well.

The guy had big eyes and just how big was difficult to miss as soon as they widened in response to Hoseok's sudden skinship. Following the motion of his arm, fingers reached for his own to peel them off the slim waist that felt nice and warm under his fingertips.

_Sad that it won't last._

"Are you drunk?" the low voice asked in reply even though that had nothing to do with the quality of the music.

“Not yet,” he murmured and pulled his hand back unwillingly, gaze roaming over his features and trying to recollect where they had met.

_Math._

“Oh my god, now I remember!” he exclaimed and stared with wide eyes, body still moving smoothly to the beat. “How is… math?”

That must have been a better question, even if still dumb, as the guy relaxed and chuckled before taking a sip from his drink. He was still bobbing to the music, but without using his hips too much and definitely without joining Hoseok as he could have to make the whole thing a little less awkward.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that? Hoseok, correct?" A smile spread across his tutor's face and Hoseok realized that he hadn't really bothered to look at it before.

_Hyungwon, right? That was his name._

“Has anybody told you that you resemble a Golden Retriever? I hadn’t noticed it before, but now that I’m highly desperate and couldn’t remember you it was my first association. Interesting, right?” Glancing in Chen’s direction briefly, he immediately turned back to Hyungwon because the guy was still staring at him, fuck. “Math is something that I try not to think about, so there’s nothing I can say. What are you drinking? Do you like dancing? Were you weirded out just now? I’m sorry, but this is an emergency.”

"I thought so." Hyungwon smiled and took another sip of his drink before turning just enough to briefly gesture in the direction where Chen was standing. Hoseok doubted that the tall guy knew that Chen was the source of his misery, but he had figured out that there was a source. "You seem very nervous, like the people who suddenly start a conversation to pretend to be busy or cut in line for the cafeteria. You can't be cutting in line, so I'm guessing you're pretending to be busy. May I know what the issue is? Maybe I can help you confront the issue instead of pretending to have a conversation."

_He doesn’t get it._

“Okay, genius, now tell me the difference between pretending to be busy and actually being busy?” Hoseok grinned and tilted his head as his body gave up on the dancing part because it was no fun when the other person stood there like a traffic light.

"I just mean that you didn't actually want to talk to me, so you came up with lots of questions you can ask to have me say something and make it look like a conversation." Shrugging briefly, Hyungwon emptied his plastic cup in a few gulps and placed it on a nearby table. "If you don't want to stay on the dancefloor, would you like to get something else to drink instead? Unless you prefer to talk to somebody else of course."

“You misunderstood. You say that I don’t want to talk to you because I am in an uncomfortable situation, but why does it matter if the reason for talking to you is preventing a negative consequence or if it’s internal drive? In the end it’s the same and I don’t feel bad talking to you. I would’ve probably talked to you without my friend’s brother wanting to break my neck, I simply had more motivation to do it while he looked at me with eyes full of useless aggression, that’s it.” Hoseok grinned and pointed at the bar. “Let’s get something to drink. I guess in a usual situation without adrenaline I would’ve remembered your name and wouldn’t have thought that you look like a Golden Retriever, so I’m thankful for the random association.”

_He does look like one though._

"I see," Hyungwon remarked and made his way out of the crowd that instantly took over their spots on the dance floor. Luckily, that also made it difficult for Hoseok to see Chen, which meant the lack of eye contact was mutual. "I guess the reason mattered to me, because it seemed like you were using me for a particular purpose, namely as a distraction. That's okay if it helps you, but I just didn't want you to think you have to keep it up if you don't need the distraction anymore. So, I just wanted you to know that I won't be keeping you from dancing with your friends if that's what you'd rather do." Reaching the bar, the tall guy rested his elbows on top of it and gestured towards the offers. "What do you drink? I'll get it."

“Cuba Libre.” Hoseok jumped on a bar stool and turned once. “Did you feel used? Or more bothered? Because if you felt bothered I can fuck off again. You also don’t have to buy me anything, I can get it myself. In addition, I can’t dance with my friend because her brother wants to kill me and my other friend is over there with pure Changkyun,” he commented nonchalantly and pointed at Kihyun who stood leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest, looking suspicious as pure Changkyun was telling him something, gesturing wildly. “But you don’t have to babysit me. I just wanted to explain the situation.”

Still smiling, Hyungwon shook his head and ordered a Cuba Libre and a Coke until Hoseok mentioned Kihyun and Changkyun and long fingers brushed through dirty-blonde hair. Surprise appeared in the big eyes before it made way for a smile again. Hyungwon smiled a lot.

"Pure Changkyun? That's a nickname, isn't it? I'm a little surprised you don't just call him Kyun," his math tutor remarked before fixing the collar of the sweatshirt he was wearing. "I'm not bothered by you, so don't worry. As I said, I just didn't want you to think 'oh no, now I have to hang out with my math tutor because there is nobody else'."

“Okay, but it’s not as if you’re a professor or something. Although, we do have professors who are cool. I don’t call him Kyun because he is pure Changkyun. It’s an inside joke. You know him?” Hoseok watched the bartender prepare his drink, glancing to the side to see whether Chen was somewhere around. Instead he saw Lien gesturing at him, eyes widening in question and mouthing ‘Who’s that?’.

"Yeah, he's a really good friend of mine." Hyungwon accepted his simple plastic cup of Coke before paying for both drinks and handing Hoseok his long drink. "I'm definitely no professor, but most students in your year feel awkward when they meet me outside of tutorials. I try not to create distance or anything, but they still do. I'm glad you weren't that awkward, even though those questions were pretty bad I got to say." Grinning, the blonde guy turned around and leaned his back against the bar, drink in hand.

“Listen, you may know math which makes you a superhuman, but I know the brain, okay? I was super scared and full of adrenaline, of course I didn’t manage to say anything intelligent. Usually I just say the truth, so it’s extra risky. Be happy that I didn’t say anything that would’ve weirded you out and taken away my only chance to pass my exam. Or rather, I should be happy about it because why should you care?” He smiled genuinely and took a sip of his drink before leaning forward and placing his cheek on top of his arms that he crossed on the counter, facing Hyungwon.

"I think it's important to be a decent human, so as surprising as it might be for you, I do care about your success in your exam. That's why I agreed to help." Glancing up, Hyungwon focused on something above his head for a few moments before meeting his gaze again. "That guy seems very interested in your person. I assume that's the brother you were talking about?"

“I wish it was the good kind of interested, but unfortunately he doesn’t like it that I hang out with Lien even though I really don’t want anything from her, for fuck's sake. But regarding your motivation, I think being a decent human doesn’t mean caring about everything and everyone. You simply don’t have the cognitive capacity to do so. That’s why we have filters, otherwise you would go mad. I care about my exam and you care about… I don’t know, math?” This time he preferred not to look at Chen because he was mad at the dude for ruining his evening by existing.

"I do love math," Hyungwon replied with a chuckle and crinkled his eyes, making them seem smaller. "Maybe you are right, and I already filter by caring about people who have to do math, but not the guy who's trying to make your life difficult. I guess he's just overprotective and doesn't want his sister to get hurt. Maybe he has a good reason that we don't know about." The blonde guy shrugged and chewed on his cheek for a moment before returning his attention to Hoseok. He looked genuinely curious. "You said you study the brain? That sounds very interesting. I'm not familiar with it to be honest. Are you interested in what humans think and why?"

"No, it's everything about the brain, not only cognition, what we think, but also motoric functions, or all about the nervous system. How it's structured, how everything is connected. Everything that's inside here." Hoseok giggled and pointed at his brown hair. Lifting from the comfy spot on his arms, he took another sip of his drink. "You spend a lot of time thinking about other people's perspectives. You must have a lot of empathy. I mean- I'm thankful because otherwise you wouldn't have any reason to help me because it's bothersome."

"I don't think it's bothersome. After all, one gets positive feelings from helping, don't they? I think I read that somewhere, that some people are happier when they give presents than when they receive them. You probably know that better than me." After one more sip from his Coke, Hyungwon gestured towards the dance floor. "Do you want to dance again? You seemed happy with the exception of being scared for your life. The guy does look pretty buff."

"I'm buff too, but I simply don't want to interact with him because I have this feeling that his cognitive functions aren't very developed, so there's no point. Do you know what I mean? And about helping… It depends. It depends on how the other person receives the help and what your motivation for helping is." Hoseok glanced towards the dancefloor and sighed. "Yeah, I really like dancing. You on the other hand looked slightly terrified."

"Terrified?" Hyungwon parted his lips in fake outrage before chuckling and brushing through his hair. He looked rather shy with the way he glanced to the side and licked over his lips. "I'm just not really good at it I guess, so I prefer to feel the beat and enjoy the music without demonstrating how inflexible my limbs are. In first semester somebody asked me if was having a seizure and since then I've kept it simple."

_He probably wants you to go dance._

"No pressure. Thank you for keeping me company, I had fun." Hoseok emptied his drink and placed the cup on the table. "And thank you for the drink. See you tomorrow." Smiling once again, he stood up and waved briefly before making his way through the crowd.

Hyungwon seemed a little surprised by his quick departure but smiled and waved back before emptying his Coke and disappearing towards the exit. The guy was easy to spot with how tall he was, blonde hair moving through the crowd of students until Hoseok couldn’t see it anymore.

_Aha._

He sighed, feeling a little sad that he didn't have a dancing partner, but went to the middle of the dance floor anyway, moving to the beat smoothly and letting his body align with his thoughts until there was only music and motions that made him feel relaxed. Tomorrow was going to be a hell of a day, but right now there was just him among other moving bodies, the smell of alcohol mixed with different perfumes and the intense bass, making his ribcage vibrate to the beat.

_Let tomorrow be tomorrow._

***

A loud bark sounded from behind the big wooden door, even before Hyungwon was able to pull out his key. Smiling at the premature greeting, he stuck the key into the keyhole and twisted a few times until the lock finally gave in. One might have thought that after years of living at his parents’ house, he would have learned how to open the door without much of a fuss, but so far his father seemed to be the only person in the household that had managed to master that skill.

“I’m home,” he yelled to make sure that whoever was there heard and crouched down to rub Bella’s head and stomach because despite her size she simply threw herself on the floor and wiggled around to have some well-deserved belly rubs.

Examining the gorgeous golden color of the family dog’s fur, Hyungwon couldn’t resist glancing to the side and checking himself out in the mirror. His hair was close to what one of the first year’s had termed ‘dirty-blonde’, but somehow, he had believed it still qualified as light brown. At least that had been what he had asked Changkyun for before allowing his best friend anywhere close to his hair. Considering that there was somebody who associated him with a golden retriever, something must have gone wrong.

_Especially since Bella’s fur is a nicer gold color if your hair is supposed to be blonde._

Maybe he would try to fix it once he had the time for it. Now wasn’t optimal with the semester starting and responsibilities arriving in dribs and drabs.

_And possibly a first year that you agreed to give one-on-one lessons to, depending on how much he needs them._

Hyungwon doubted that it was as bad as the brown-haired guy called Hoseok had described it. Most students in his tutorial were desperate because quite a large number of them didn't even study math and just wanted to pass linear algebra and forget about it as soon as possible. Even though he loved math, he could understand if it wasn't everybody's cup of tea. He also had no interest in bright neon watches even though everybody on campus had one now.

_The difference is that you help them through it, even if it's not their cup of tea._

The thought brought a smile to his lips because he enjoyed seeing his students' eyes widen in wonder when they finally understood the point of a definition and how to apply it in a proof. He couldn't wait to see the same on Hoseok's face and show the first-year how rewarding it feels to achieve comprehension in something that seemed impossible.

_Now you only have to hope that he takes you seriously after telling you about cheating on his assignment and attempting to dance with you._

The bad thing about hearing an association once was that it remained present whenever part of the association popped up. Now that the first-year mentioned that Hyungwon resembled a Golden Retriever, he couldn't stop thinking about it and staring at his reflection in the mirror. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to be concerned about his hair each time he saw Bella, contemplating whether they had any other similarities apart from his hair color and her fur.

_Maybe you should really get it fixed, but without Changkyun's help this time._

“Hyungwon! I expected you a little earlier, dinner got cold. Do you have that much going on already?” His mother leaned against the doorframe to the hallway and gestured towards the dining room for Hyungwon to hurry up and sit down while she warmed up whatever his parents had eaten for dinner. The elegant black dress that reached all the way past her knees and the stockings told him that she must have gone along with his father instead of staying behind as she liked to do on Tuesdays.

_A last-minute party was going on, but that's not really relevant to her._

“There are already students to teach, so yeah, there is quite a lot to do,” he murmured and got up to slip out of his shoes and arrange them on the rack for semi-elegant street shoes before switching to the pair of house shoes that always waited for him on the neighboring rack. “Is dad home yet?”

“No, he had to leave again because the hospital called and asked him to help out. He’ll be late, but you should be able to see him tomorrow morning. He was curious about whether you are still satisfied living at the dorm.”

Humming because none of it was new, Hyungwon made his way towards the dining room and sat down in front of the prepared cup of tea and watched his mother quickly heat up a plate with meat and potatoes before placing it in front of him.

“I like it at the dorm, it’s quiet and I can focus well,” he remarked even though quiet wasn’t appropriate considering the thin walls and whatever his neighbors were up to, but it was closer to lectures and food took up less time than it would have at home. There were several advantages to living on campus, even if living at home was cheaper. “Changkyun is also living at the dorm and it’s nicer to relax on the weekend then, when I visit.”

“That’s true, it’s always special when you visit,” his mother remarked while adding way more potatoes than he could finish onto his plate and strategically placing a broccoli at the side with the hope that he was going to eat it. The tone of voice suggested that she had something she wanted to address but didn’t feel quite ready to do without Hyungwon’s dad being around.

_Which means you will either hear it after eating when you go sit down in the living room or tomorrow when dad comes back._

Hyungwon’s expectations were confirmed as soon as he finished dinner (apart from the broccoli) and his mother proposed sitting down in the living room with a cup of tea. After asking the typical questions about his studies, how stressful it was and whether Hyungwon was happy, his mother attempted to transition from him being busy to him not having time for things that she obviously wanted him to have time for.

_There is only one thing she constantly worries about._

“Sarah called today. She was sad that you couldn’t join us for dinner. I had planned to invite her, but of course I didn’t when you didn’t answer my message about when you would be home.” His mother smiled but she looked like the change of plans had been uncomfortable and she wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t happen again.

_You still must make sure you find time next weekend, you didn’t the last three._

“There is just so much going on since I teach other students and have to correct their assignments. It helps me to understand their proficiency and that way I can help more,” he muttered even though it felt a little wrong to talk about assignments when it was the first few weeks and he was only going to have a lot to do starting Tuesday. “I’ll call her after this, I promise.”

“Please do. She’s lovely and is doing her best to find time despite her own studies. Too bad you chose different universities.”

_You know she is lovely, but somehow it's harder to meet after high school._

Hyungwon nodded because it was the easiest and tried not to think about why it was so difficult to keep in contact since he started university. After all, their houses weren't far apart, and he visited regularly while Sarah had decided to stay living with her parents. Maybe he just wanted to use the time to see his family, they mattered a lot to him.

_Currently you seem to be very good at finding additional responsibilities to have even less time though._

Hyungwon had instantly agreed to help a first year that apparently not only struggled with math, but also had other people intimidate him at parties. All these things weren't really his business, but the fact that Hoseok needed help and seemed to be very sure of his own inability to do math was his business. It was only right that he took the time to help and to be honest, he didn't even know if it was going to be time consuming in the end. He was confident in his teaching abilities, even when students were convinced of being failures.

After enjoying a few more minutes with his mom who told him about all her friends in the neighborhood and all the people getting married and starting families, Hyungwon excused himself to his old room.

It was always nice to return to the place where he spent nineteen years of his life before moving into his student dorm. His parents hadn't changed it much, so it was still a simple room with several filled bookshelves, a single bed that stood close to the wall to save space and posters of things that he had attempted to learn back then, be it useful phrases in several languages or positions that were supposed to help with meditation.

_Maybe that's exactly what you need before calling._

Feeling a little ridiculous, he sat down on the simple red carpet in front of his bed and crossed his legs. His palms were flat on his thighs as he took a few deep breaths and tried to think of nothing at all. It was difficult, especially with the instant images that flooded his mind as soon as he tried to block out words. It started with faces of his students, Changkyun as he fumbled with his hair and tried to dye it while holding his head above the sink, the way Hoseok had suddenly touched him to start a conversation even though it wasn't necessary.

_You're supposed to think of nothing._

The images kept switching from one to the next, formulas, professors, friends in lectures and his mother as she smuggled the broccoli onto his plate. Not even once did Sarah appear in those images.

Opening his eyes and taking a deep breath, Hyungwon gave up on meditating and lifted himself up onto the bed while staring at nothing.

Calling somebody when he hadn't thought of them even once during the day wasn't fair to them, was it?

_Maybe you should call her tomorrow._

Maybe.

_

It wasn't Sunday, but still a bag of bread rolls was lying on the breakfast table when Hyungwon came down around 8 to get ready for his lectures for the day. His parents must have decided to eat breakfast together since he was there.

Usually he preferred to visit his parents on the weekend only, but his mother had insisted. At first he didn't know why it was so important, but after the talk in the evening it was clear as day.

_Because she wanted Sarah to join for dinner, but you were too late._

In the end, the party didn't have a lot of benefits for Hyungwon and he could have skipped it. Changkyun had disappeared as soon as they walked through the front door and his conversation with Hoseok was brief and mostly motivated by the first-year's attempts to not get beaten up.

_Who knows, maybe that counts as a good deed._

He sighed and smeared a mixture of herbs and cream cheese on half of his bread roll before adding a thin slice of cheese. His mother was busy preparing coffee while his father was examining the newspaper and only occasionally throwing him a glance.

"Have you thought about what you want to do once you are done with your studies?"

The question was sudden, but not new, so Hyungwon swallowed down the mixture of bread and cheese in his mouth and glanced up to meet his father's eyes above the newspaper. The fact that he hadn't put it aside meant that he wasn't quite ready to discuss it in detail, which was good because there wasn't much time before Hyungwon had to leave the house.

"I don't think it changed much. I'm going to finish my studies and then see which area I find the most interesting," he replied and hoped it was vague enough without sounding like he had no idea. Mathematics was amazing, but there wasn't really anything that he wanted to do yet. Teaching was fun and explaining the concepts was fun. He also liked calculating and figuring out proofs that were done years ago and coming up with the same solutions. The only problem was that he couldn't quite tell whether that was what his father had in mind.

"I didn't mean what you will do with your degree, but rather what you plan on doing when you don't have to stay in the student room anymore and can get a bigger apartment. You would have the time for the next steps. After all, you're not a teenager anymore." His father took a sip of his coffee and switched the page of the newspaper as if he was still reading.

_He's also talking about Sarah, isn't he? They are worried about what's going on._

"I'm not the only one deciding the next steps, so I guess that is something that will come with time," he murmured and stuffed the second half of his bread roll into his mouth. The calm gaze and undefined expectations were making him uncomfortable, just like his mother's nervous fumbling at the sink. They must have talked about it but didn't quite get to address it.

Hyungwon wasn't stupid, he knew that it wasn't typical to barely see each other just because university started, especially when one was over twenty. But there was so much going on that he simply had no time to think about anything aside from his studies.

_You also have a student to teach today._

"It's already pretty late, so I'll get going," he remarked and thanked his mom for the bread rolls before making his way down the hallway and slipping into his shoes from the day before. "But don't worry, I'll take care of it."

Grabbing his winter coat and shoulder bag, he stroked over Bella's fur one last time before hurrying out of the house. He was obviously trying to escape, but it wasn't their fault. It was his for feeling guilty, but not doing anything about it.

_Because of that one time._

Brushing through his own Golden Retriever hair and placing one foot in front of the next, Hyungwon felt grateful that he had added another responsibility to his schedule, something that was able to take his mind off family matters and occupied it with math instead.

_

At five to six, Hyungwon was already inside the seminar room that they agreed on and spread the relevant books and the lecture notes over the table closest to the front. To have more space, he had arranged it separately and placed two chairs next to each other.

_Perfect to have enough space without making it seem like a classroom._

Maybe he was being too enthusiastic, but he wanted to see how lost Hoseok felt with math and whether he could do something about it. A little devil on his shoulder also whispered that he hoped Hoseok was terrible so that they could keep it up and Hyungwon had another reason for being busy, but he ignored that one and simply waited for the first-year to arrive.

_Who knows, maybe he solved his problems on his own and won't require private lessons anymore._

At two minutes after six, the brunette head appeared in the door crack before the rest followed. Hoseok smiled briefly and brushed back his hair, revealing the shorter cut hair at his sides.

"Hi." The boy walked inside and put his backpack on the chair before taking off his thick parka. "How are you?"

"Good," Hyungwon replied with a smile and shifted to make a little more space at the table. "I hope you didn't get in trouble yesterday."

"Yesterday?" Hoseok seemed confused at first before sitting down and pulling out a simple notepad. "Ah, the party? It was good, I went directly to the first lecture afterwards." Grinning brightly, the boy rubbed his eyes before staring at the material he prepared and looking mildly terrified.

_So he must be at maximum 20% of his usual capacity, amazing._

Hyungwon leaned on the table, resting his head on his hand and examined the colour of Hoseok's face and the way his eyes looked. He wanted to make sure the first-year was in a state to listen and the whole session wasn't utterly pointless. Lack of sleep was one of the worst conditions for learning and at the same time the most common one in university.

"Are you sure that you're in a state to do math then?"

"What? Of course not. If I was in any state to do math I wouldn't be here right now after a ten minute nap in the far right toilet cabin. That one doesn't smell that bad, that's why." Pointing at the sheet with the formula with his pale fingers, Hoseok glanced at him, nibbling on his bottom lip. "What's that?"

_Is he joking?_

Hyungwon really hoped that the brunette didn't actually nap in a toilet stall instead of getting decent sleep before coming to a math tutorial session. He also hoped that Hoseok wasn't seeing the lecture content for the first time.

_How is he even functional if he hasn't slept at all?_

"That's the definitions from the last few lectures, the ones you had to apply to the assignment," he explained and leaned a little closer to determine whether Hoseok still smelled like a party. The scent was usually difficult to get rid off, especially if one hung out with smokers or ended up getting covered in beer.

"Are you smelling me? Then I'll smell you too," the low voice replied, and the pale face moved closer as Hoseok tilted his head and stopped a few millimeters from his neck, sucking in air. "Mhm, nice. I use perfume too, but I probably smell like Goulouises red."

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he barely resisted the urge to move all the way to the other end of the table, if only to make sure that there was enough distance between him and Hoseok's nose. He had been pretty sure that his smelling attempt had been subtle, but apparently his new student was attentive, even when he was sleep-deprived.

_Attentive is good, he'll need that._

"I- was just wondering if you were joking or you actually came right from the party. You smell like berries and cigarette smoke," he replied and cleared his throat to clear his mind as well. "Let's focus on the matter at hand. What do you struggle with? The definitions or how to apply them?"

The boy exhaled hot air against his neck before moving back and brushing his hair back once again, slowly leaning against the chair and turning to look him in the eyes. "I struggle with math, Hyungwon. To sum it up, I only managed to get an A in my high school exam because I sat next to Lien and the teacher somehow thought that I must be good too because I sat next to her. Wrong associations."

_Did he just tell you that he cheated his way through his a-levels?_

Hyungwon stared, unsure whether he was impressed by the honesty or outraged by the audacity. Not being able to rely on the brunette's high school knowledge meant that he was starting at rock bottom.

"You mean… there are no basics you are able to rely on because you have no knowledge of math at all?" he asked just to make sure and already dreaded the answer.

_Sweet Jesus._

"Well, let's say I do know everything up to tenth grade because afterwards I preferred to focus on biology, chemistry and my mental and physical needs and math was first lesson Friday morning."

_What is 'mental and physical needs' supposed to mean? He relaxed and went to the bathroom instead of math?_

"I see," he replied and did his best not to seem discouraged. Just because he had never taught anybody without high school math, didn't mean that he wasn't able to. It was a challenge and challenges were meant to be mastered, right?

'We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed,' his brain supplied in his father's voice and he blinked a few times before opening a different page in the lecture book. They had to start at the beginning then and be grateful that most definitions were independent.

"Then let's start with some basic definitions and I'll tell you what each of them means, okay?" Smiling, he pointed at the chapter on linear equations and hoped that this was going to work. He simply had to do his best.

_And one session will never be enough._

Suddenly the brunette boy slapped his own cheeks and leaned forward, chin placed on his palms and staring at him. "Let's do it. I'll give my best."

A little overwhelmed by the sudden enthusiasm, Hyungwon ignored the berries and the smoke and got right into the material. He explained all the basic elements of equations, used some examples from high school to show why they were even necessary in everyday life and waited patiently until Hoseok was able to repeat his definition and come up with an example himself. That was always one of the best ways to test comprehension and despite lack of sleep and lack of basics, the first year was surprisingly fast at grasping the relations and what he had to do.

_This might actually work._

After the first twenty minutes, Hoseok seemed ready for the first few equations he had to solve and Hyungwon leaned his head on his flat palm while watching the boy stare at the numbers in concentration. Hoseok's eyes were wide and jumping from one spot on the page to the next as he chewed on his lips that looked as if he was always smiling, lip corners curled upwards. After scribbling furiously into the simple notebook, the pale face turned, gaze focused on him and waiting for his judgement.

_He's a little bit adorable, just a little._

Pulling the moment, a little cause it seemed exciting, Hyungwon stared back at the puppy-like gaze and eventually smiled.

_Who's the golden retriever now, huh?_

"Good job, you only forgot to switch the sign in this one, otherwise it's all correct. Do you think we can move on to complex ones?" he asked and skipped a few pages ahead because he could simply explain the concepts with an example to make it clearer and save them some time.

"Ay, thank you brain. Yes, let's do it. You're a really good teacher, wow." Hoseok smiled back, face almost shining from the brightness of the boy's sudden happiness. "I'm ready."

"Good," Hyungwon murmured quietly. Even though it was true that happy faces after sessions and rising confidence were his reward, Hoseok seemed to have a lot of shine for somebody with an undercut and unhealthy partying habits. "Now that you solved some separate linear equations and saw that their solutions are any point on this line, we'll look at some systems."

He liked how well Hoseok was able to follow and drew a few lines into a coordination system to show Hoseok that the point where they met was the solution to a system of linear equations.

"Basically, you only have to find the right numbers that fit into those letters in the equation and you're good." He made sure to show what he meant with a detailed example and came up with something stupid from everyday life that involved dogs because he still couldn't forget the golden retriever comment.

"Might be doable," Hoseok commented and listened attentively, noting down some of the things that he mentioned and clustering them into bigger chunks, drawing arrows when he understood a relationship. "Do you have a dog?" the low voice asked before the dark-brown eyes met his again accompanied by a bright grin. "A Golden Retriever?"

_How did he know?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened instantly, which was probably obvious like one of those fortune teller tricks in which they say things and go further as soon as they see a reaction. He basically answered by showing surprise.

"What makes you think that?" he asked back and sucked the skin of his cheek between his teeth while rubbing his tongue over it.

_Dog examples aren't that uncommon, are they?_

"I could tell you some bullshit story about Jesus whispering it into my ear, but I really don't like bullshit." The grin turned into a bright smile as Hoseok reached for his black shirt and touched his chest right next to his nipple briefly, before pulling back and showing him a light hair. A dog hair. "I'm probably also covered in fur, but my dog is a black Labrador, so it isn't visible on black clothes."

_Bella left a mark._

Hyungwon decided not to ask why Hoseok was pulling poor Jesus into this and merely smiled in response, curious because Hoseok also had a dog. Maybe that was why he associated his hair with a golden color?

"You're right, she's a Golden Retriever, but she stays at my parents' house, so I don't see her that often." Licking his lips, Hyungwon turned back to the book and tried his best to focus on the system of equations that he had wanted Hoseok to solve. "Using the methods, I showed you, you can try to find the values for x and y in this one."

Nodding briefly, Hoseok concentrated while writing, but somehow managed to talk in between. "Having a Golden Retriever suits you, I think it's cool that you went for a partner look."

_So much to the association being random._

Pressing his lips together to stay quiet, Hyungwon tried his best to not be offended and simply forget about the fact that his student thought he looked like a dog. Bella was a gorgeous dog, but still a dog and Hyungwon was pretty convinced they had nothing in common apart from their love for meat.

"It's… not a partner look," he muttered eventually while still staring at Hoseok's attempts to solve the linear equations. "My hair is actually ash-brown."

_At least that's what it was supposed to be._

After writing the answer into the notebook, Hoseok glanced at his hair, lowering his gaze slowly until they stared at each other and the boy mouthed a clear 'I don't think so. But it looks cute.'

_Great._

"I didn't dye it myself, a friend did," he muttered instantly as if that was a justification for not looking the way he wanted it to. His gaze switched to the correct solution and the next equations he could use to change the topic. "I wanted it to be kind of grey, but still close to brown to not be too unnatural so people don't stare on the weekends. Blonde was definitely not the plan and neither was the 'Golden Retriever' look."

_You're distracting him from his equations._

"Sorry, you can continue with the next one."

"But you look super cute. It's nothing bad. Apart from if you tried to look seductive and dangerous. Then unfortunately it didn't work," his student replied and started writing down the next equation.

_You want to look like neither of those things._

Hyungwon waited with his reply until Hoseok finished solving the next equation and draw a small green star under it to show that it was correct.

"I just want to look okay, not dangerous, not seductive and not cute. Just like a good person, myself I guess, whatever that means." Sighing, he brushed through his long strands and tried to figure out when he'd have time to fix the color. He wasn't any good with dye and apparently neither was Changkyun. "I'll have to fix it somehow, but let's focus on the first bit of assignment that you were supposed to hand in. Everything you did up to now is enough to solve the first two tasks, so let's do that."

"I can help you with your hair if you like. I don't know you, but cute suits you in my opinion. To be honest, I'm a little overwhelmed that you managed to explain things to me after zero sleep multiplied with zero knowledge and it would be zero, you know, but you're just... wow. I need you." The black eyes focused on him and his student looked serious, chewing on his thick red lips in the meantime.

_He… needs you?_

Hyungwon examined the round and rather dark eyes and skipped over the fact that despite trying to look 'badass' or whatever Hoseok was going for, the first-year had a adorable face. It was round with curved mouth corners and round eyes and him saying that he needed Hyungwon had the 'you're my savior' vibe and Hyungwon was weak for that. He loved feeling like he could help somehow and Hoseok must have figured that out too, staring at him like Bella when she wanted food.

"I don't think that I can help you defy the laws of mathematics," he replied and brushed through his hair before staring at Hoseok's correctly solved equations. "But I guess I can explain them to you."

Suddenly Hoseok let go of the pen and put his hands together, forming a heart out of his index fingers and thumbs and smiling brightly. "Thank you so much! I know you're fucking busy with your own stuff, but it means so much to me, I need to pass, and math is literally the only thing I'm struggling with. You're the best." The boy blew him a kiss and winked.

_What is he even doing? Maybe he's just sleep-deprived?_

Hyungwon wasn't sure how to react to that, so he simply didn't by pressing his lips together and fumbling with the papers until he found the assignment sheet with the first two tasks.

"I'm sure you'll pass with enough instruction," he commented and pointed at the tasks on the sheet. "Let's do these two and then it should be enough for today. Do you want to meet weekly or more often and what days would be good for you?"

"I want to meet as often as I need to pass," Hoseok exclaimed and pulled out his phone, scrolling through his schedule.

_If he wants to catch up he'll need quite a bit of help._

Pulling out his own schedule, Hyungwon grimaced at how full it was before identifying two slots in the evening, one on Wednesday and one on Friday.

_That will make you late for dinner on Friday, but this is important, isn't it?_

"I can offer you Wednesday and Friday evening. That should be enough to catch up and help you pass. Maybe we'll even manage a B."

His student let out a dramatic sound before saying that it would be amazing and smiling. Hoseok was smiling a lot.

Unable to help it, Hyungwon smiled back before realizing Hoseok reminded him of a child that got a Christmas present, excitedly wiggling on his chair as he began to solve the two tasks that remained. It felt good, because despite struggling and saying that he couldn't do anything, the first-year was solving one task after the other and showing that he could understand if only he put some thought into it.

_This is a good reason for not having time, isn't it?_

It definitely was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 2

Usually Hoseok went swimming Wednesday evening, but with his newly scheduled tutoring sessions, he had to push it to Thursdays. It was already seven and the perfect time for a swim because there was almost nobody at the pool.

_You need some physical activity after all the math on top of your sleep deprived brain._

Stretching for a few minutes, he put on his swim goggles and fixed the fit of the tight fabric around his hips before taking a big towel and walking into the pool area. Hoseok really liked the interior of the pool and especially fancied the big mirrors on the walls where he could look at his muscular body covered in various lines and tattoos. He loved the tiger on his side the most. It looked gorgeous when he moved and fit so well to his body and his personality too. At least that’s how he liked to think.

Nodding at himself because he looked extremely good, he threw the towel on one of the benches and stepped to the edge of the pool, glancing in the direction of a pregnant woman who slipped into the water at the other end and a weirdo who was swimming in a t-shirt.

_Aha._

Hoseok shook his head and got in position before diving into the cool water and immediately starting his routine.

Usually there was no reason to pay attention to who else was in the pool, but one guy had a surprisingly similar rhythm to his own, swimming with the same speed and smoothly transitioning between butterfly and side stroke. He must have been practicing technique because from the body type a workout was unlikely. A second glance revealed the white t-shirt that was utterly pointless as it turned mostly transparent and only slowed him down.

He held onto the edge to catch his breath, shifting closer and decided to watch for a bit. The technique was well developed and despite the rather slim arms, the person seemed to be able to get the most out of them. Cutting through the water smoothly, long fingers reached out for the edge next to him and held onto it for a few seconds as wet, dirty-blonde hair followed, before the guy used his long legs to push himself off and start the next lap. Despite the goggles, there was something familiar about the small face that he saw for what felt like a second before it disappeared in the pool.

_Do you even know somebody who would wear a t-shirt to go swimming?_

Hoseok doubted that very much, but still observed intently, waiting until the dude was almost back before deciding to compete to see whether he was faster. The first bit was rather difficult because there must’ve been something about those long legs or the technique, but in the end he managed to overtake the guy on the way back. Breathing heavily, he held onto the edge and waited a few seconds until the guy with the t-shirt arrived. Why would anybody be wearing a white t-shirt to swim in a closed pool area? It didn’t make any sense.

Just like before, long fingers reached out for the pool edge, but this time they held on as the guy pulled his head out of the water and inhaled sharply. Water dripped from the soaked blonde hair and a few drops rolled down a smooth nose and over plump, red lips until they reached a narrow chin and fell back into the pool. Letting his right hand slip under the goggles, the guy pushed them up to his forehead before turning towards him.

"You're really fast, especially if you get enough time to warm up and use that body mass."

The soaked locks confused him for a second, but even without the Golden Retriever hair, Hyungwon was easy to recognize. It was interesting that they managed to meet again, and he hoped that his tutor wouldn’t start asking about his assignment that he didn’t manage to do yet. Hoseok wrapped his fingers around the edge and pulled himself up to sit comfortably while dipping his feet in the cool water.

“Thanks. I know how to use my body mass pretty well,” he commented and grinned, before pointing at the completely soaked shirt. “Why do you wear that? To be purposefully slower?”

Hyungwon's lips parted as if he was about to reply before they closed again and the blonde guy pushed his goggles a little further into his hair. After licking the water from his lips, Hyungwon glanced up at him from the pool, eyes even bigger without the voluminous blonde hair.

"It's just more comfortable," his tutor responded eventually and glanced in the direction of the other lanes that were occupied by the pregnant woman and now also an elderly man doing breaststroke. "I guess people are more likely to try to talk to you since you swim without a shirt. I usually have my peace, especially at six a.m, but today I had to go later."

_That’s why you usually don’t see him._

“I usually go late and no, nobody talks to me and it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m not wearing a shirt in a swimming pool. The comfort part is very obviously a blatant lie, but fine, it’s not my business. If you like wearing shirts in water, then so be it. No kink shaming.” Hoseok grinned again, spreading his legs a little for comfort and brushed back his wet locks that hung into his eyes.

"Kink shaming?" Hyungwon asked like he genuinely had no idea what Hoseok was talking about. His tutor seemed very focused on staring at his face, head tilted back while his hands held onto the edge close to Hoseok's thigh. "The comfort isn't a lie, only you think that I mean comfort while swimming whereas I mean comfort of the mind. I guess I just don't have much to show to anybody and don't feel the need to."

_Huh?_

He had real problems understanding what Hyungwon meant. He didn’t want to show himself? But it wasn’t a sauna or anything, just a pool. “You don’t have much to show? But it’s not about showing. I don’t care about what others think, I like my body and that’s okay. I mean, I do know people who have problems going to the sauna, which is also kind of… unnecessary to be honest. Do you want to go to the sauna? They have one here!” Observing his tutor's physical features through the water and the white shirt that was sticking to his shoulders, Hoseok tried to word what he thought about the guy’s body.

_In a neutral way, Hoseok. Neutral._

"W-what?" Hyungwon stuttered and for the first time the blonde man seemed utterly caught off guard by Hoseok's comments, eyes wide and one hand nervously brushing through the soaked strands. "I'm- fine with swimming… thank you. I have to keep practicing my technique."

“Yeah, I have to practice too, but nothing beats the feeling of rest and balance you get after laying naked on a towel in the sauna for like fifteen minutes and then take an ice-cold shower. It’s soooo goooooooood,” he pulled and tilted his head playfully. “Anyways you have a nice body, long legs and arms and a slim waist.”

_You know because you touched it._

Hyungwon looked mildly weirded out but didn't remark on it. His eyes stayed a little wider than should have been normal, but he kept them religiously focused on Hoseok's face.

_Scared, huh?_

"I… see," he muttered and shifted his goggles one more time. "I'm not really a fan of nudism, so I have never been to the sauna."

_Nudism? What?_

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but whatever makes you happy, Hyungwon. I won’t undress you and force you into the sauna, so don’t worry.” Smiling brightly to lighten the atmosphere a little, he jumped to his feet and stepped to the side to not make too much fuss and got into position.

"I just meant that I don't like being naked," Hyungwon murmured before pulling his goggles back over his eyes and getting his long legs in position, ready to push off to swim another lap. "Another round?"

“Yup. And then I’ll go to the sauna because that whole talk got me in the mood.” Winking once, Hoseok put his goggles back on and counted to three before diving into the cool water and giving his all for the remaining laps. Hyungwon was doing the same, keeping up as well as he could with his long limbs until he stopped at the edge and pulled his body out of the water. The white t-shirt was sticking to his back, showing prominent and broad shoulder blades and what looked like a bronze shade of skin. His tutor was breathing heavily as he pulled the goggles on top of his head and reached for a fluffy white towel at the side to dry his skin. The black swim shorts almost disappeared under the fabric of the t-shirt while Hyungwon didn't seem very concerned about not covering his long legs and thighs. The whole t-shirt business was so weird to him that he caught himself wishing to be able to take it away from Hyungwon.

_You are so violent._

Giggling in between the quick inhales, he rested both arms on the edge and placed his chin on top of them, observing Hyungwon’s body proportions, how smooth his skin looked, the silhouette of his indeed very slim waist that he could clearly see through the soaked fabric.

_It looks kind of pretty you must admit._

The blonde man was busy rubbing his towel along each of his legs that were covered with fine hair and finally removed his goggles to bend over and towel dry his hair. Hoseok used the time that his tutor needed to furiously rub over his head to slip out of the water and take his own towel, doing absolutely nothing with it and simply standing right next to Hyungwon and observing his antics.

When his tutor seemed to be satisfied with his efforts, he straightened his back, thereby hiding most of his body line again. As soon as Hyungwon's small face appeared from under the towel, the blonde man turned and almost fell on his ass from obviously not expecting Hoseok to be standing right next to him, right foot slipping on the tiles. Good that he stood just right and easily caught Hyungwon by his waist, stabilizing him right after. “Everything okay?” he asked, leaning forward to catch the guy’s gaze.

"Jesus," Hyungwon hissed and immediately brushed through his towel dry hair before sliding Hoseok's hands from his waist over his hips and away from his body. The other guy's eyes passed over his chest briefly until they fixated on his face. "I didn't hear you come out of the water. You're like a ghost."

“You were busy furiously rubbing over your head. No worries, nothing happened.” Hoseok smiled briefly and moved his towel from one hand to the other because the way Hyungwon acted around him was borderline weird and confused him. “After you,” he muttered and pointed at the changing rooms.

Hyungwon stalled a few more seconds before wrapping his towel around his shoulders and nodding briefly.

"I didn't know you had tattoos," his tutor remarked suddenly as he walked through the milky door to the male shower area. "But it fits you. And you have amazing technique. How long have you been swimming?"

“Six years. What about you? I observed you for a while, you’re doing well. And yeah, one can’t see most of my tattoos when I’m dressed. You don’t look as if you have any, even under your t-shirt.” Hoseok pointed at Hyungwon’s hardened nipples for kicks and continued walking as if nothing happened.

"Yeah- I don't have any," the blonde man muttered, but didn't elaborate on the reasons. Not bothering to take off his t-shirt or swimming shorts, Hyungwon simply hung up his towel and stood under the warm shower, eyes closed and hands brushing through his hair even though he had just dried it so furiously. "I've been swimming since primary school, but I wasn't any good back then and did it because I'm bad at team sports. Swimming is fascinating though, and I love observing people that have way better technique than I do. There is a professional swimmer here every Thursday morning. He's amazing."

Shaking his head at his tutor standing under the shower dressed, Hoseok took off his swim shorts and hung them on the hook before taking the shower right next to Hyungwon and thoroughly shampooing his hair and body.

“I like swimming because I don’t have to think about anything when I do. It’s really nice. I can’t bring myself to go early, but I’m usually here in the evenings before I go somewhere.”

"You should try the morning, it's much calmer and if not thinking about anything is what you enjoy, you might like it even more," Hyungwon remarked while keeping his eyes shut and blindly reaching to the side, probably looking for the bottle of shampoo he placed on a small in-wall shelf but finding Hoseok's shampooed shoulder instead.

“You’ll be more effective if you open your eyes though,” he grinned and took the bottle, holding it in his right hand and watching the other man’s face.

"Sorry," Hyungwon mumbled and immediately let go of his shoulder while sliding his hand along the shower wall and finding the shelf, but not the shampoo bottle. Apparently not finding what he was looking for wasn't a good enough reason to open his eyes. "Huh? Didn't I put it there?"

It was so ridiculous that he had to press his lips together to not laugh out loud. “Did you lose your eyesight, Hyungwon? You also forgot to take off your clothes to shower, are you okay? Should I help you?”

"No, I'm good," his tutor replied quickly before taking a deep breath and throwing his head back, rubbing his fingers over his scalp as if he didn't need shampoo in the first place.

_What if it’s his sense of humor?_

That couldn’t be. Hyungwon wasn’t someone who appeared funny in any way.

Hoseok had definitely had enough of the high key strange behavior, so he simply poured some shampoo on his palm, turned off the water and smeared it on the other man’s head. “What do you think is weirder, to open your eyes, undress and shower, or stand there with your eyes closed in a shirt and swim shorts, acting as if you are massaging shampoo into your hair when there is none?”

"Depends on the discomfort I guess," Hyungwon replied before opening his eyes and reaching for his hair, hands brushing over Hoseok's briefly until they resumed the same massaging motions from before. The brown eyes stayed focused on his face, eye contact longer than Hoseok would consider comfortable. "Usually nobody steals my shampoo either."

“I don’t think the word ‘usual’ is appropriate to use in this situation. Also, it wasn’t stealing, it was misplacing at best because you grabbed my shoulder, so I wanted to give it to you but then it got freaky.” Sighing, he reached for one of Hyungwon’s gigantic palms and put the shampoo into it before returning under the stream and washing off the shower gel from his body, enjoying the berry smell.

It was quiet for a while until Hyungwon also turned on the shower and washed off the shampoo.

"I'm sorry for being weird, maybe the day was too long," the other man whispered suddenly and sighed before turning off the shower and making his way to his towel to dry his hair and his body as well as he could.

“And I thought math was confusing,” he commented and wrapped his towel around his hips, taking his stuff along with the swim shorts and following Hyungwon to the locker room.

"Honestly, out of all things in this world, math is the least confusing. It has clear rules and never disappoints you." His tutor grinned as he said that before reaching for his locker and opening it with a key that was attached to his wrist. "Maybe I'll be able to explain the rules so well that you'll agree in the end."

“I see there is an intimate relationship between you, so I don’t want to butt in, you know?” Grinning brightly, Hoseok placed shampoo, showergel and swim shorts back into his locker and took out another towel, leaving the wet one on the bench, hoping that nobody would steal it while he was in the sauna.

Hyungwon seemed very preoccupied with his locker as he kept his attention fixed on it and whatever was inside, not bothering to look in Hoseok's direction even if the smile remained. Slipping his fingers under the soaked fabric, the blonde man pulled his white t-shirt over his head and threw it on top of the wet towel that he had left on the bench. "I think there is room for a third person or maybe even more, so don't worry. Math loves everybody."

The brain was like that, if there was something to hide then one got even more curious and had to look, so Hoseok stood there stark naked, rubbing tattoo lotion into his skin and observing the golden skin on Hyungwon's back, how broad his shoulders were and how thin his waist and hips were in comparison.

"I don't think math cares."

"It just exists and it's pretty calming to know that it won't stop," Hyungwon replied and shrugged briefly before pushing his thumbs under the fabric of his black swim shorts and tugging them down his narrow hips. The blonde man had a perky butt despite his slim frame, but there wasn't much time to examine it as his tutor covered it with his wet towel in an attempt to dry it. "At least for me. It's something steady while everything else moves."

"I think there's nothing worse than an entity that doesn't have at least some plasticity," he replied, realizing suddenly that it was stupid to put on lotion if he was going to sweat anyway. Wrapping his towel around his hips, Hoseok put the lotion back, sad that there wasn't anything more spectacular to see apart from a slim male body. Not that he expected anything major, but at least something that would've explained the whole fuss. "I'm off to the sauna."

"Enjoy," Hyungwon muttered while still religiously staring at his own locker, forehead resting against the bottom of it as if the blonde man didn't know what to do with himself.

"Thank you. You have no reason to be shy by the way. You look good." Hoseok couldn't do anything about his drive to say the truth so it was out of his system. "See you tomorrow."

"Thank you for saying that and I'll do my best to convince you that sometimes it's nice to have something steady."

_Shivers._

Hoseok didn't want to be convinced because if there was something that he hated, then it was inflexibility and inability to change.

_

"Listen, can you get it and give it to him before tomorrow, cause he said he always goes at ass o'clock and he won't be able to open it otherwise," Hoseok said, turning the small key in his hand, phone caught between cheek and shoulder and other hand trying to make a double espresso because he started getting tired and it wasn't even midnight yet. He should've left the locker key after seeing that Hyungwon forgot it, but of course he had all kinds of guilty feelings for making the guy so uncomfortable that he had to dress with his face in the locker and forgot his key in the end.

"I thought he just teaches you math? Whatever, I'm definitely not coming to you and taking it because it's almost midnight, just drop it off at his dorm, it's a ten-minute walk. He's in the main dorm, fourth floor, room number 405." Pure Changkyun must've been busy, but fine. He thought about taking Jeezy for a walk, but dogs weren't allowed in the dorm and his dog loved crying really hard when Hoseok left him somewhere.

_Get some air, give him the key and go back. Maybe you can annoy Lien for a bit._

His friend lived in the same dorm, just on the first floor, so it was worth a try. The only problem was that it was fucking cold.

Hoseok snuggled into his parka and took the big white scarf that Lien gave him for his birthday, wrapping it around his neck before leaving the apartment, small key safely hidden in his left hand that he put into the pocket of his jacket to keep it warm.

It was indeed a ten-minute walk and he decided to get rid of the key first, before going to Lien. The janitor was busy with his phone, so he successfully acted as if he lived there and ran up the stairs to the fourth floor. Just like on the first floor there were several dorm rooms on each side of the hallway, a common shower room with four stalls and a common bathroom. The very first room on the left was a spacious kitchen with a square shaped working area on the left that included a stove, an oven and a microwave, but no dishwasher. On the right was a plain white table, a couch and a bunch of chairs, probably for the students to hang out together if they wanted to. Most of the space was occupied by the working area and at least three freezers. One of them had a sailor moon sticker with the words 'don't eat my pizza or I'll punish you in the name of the moonlight'. There was nobody in the kitchen close to midnight on a Thursday night, but a bunch of dirty pots littered the sink and it smelled like cheap alcohol.

Passing rooms number 403 and 404, Hoseok finally reached 405 at the very end of the hallway, the last door on the left. He didn't want to be super rude, so he pressed his ear against the door and listened. There was no sound behind the door apart from a brief screeching that reminded Hoseok of his old childhood bed.

_Is he sleeping?_

But even if Hyungwon was sleeping, it wasn't bad to wake him up for a second, right? His hands were frozen, and it would've been so sad if he had to go back again. Swallowing the tiny spark of guilt, he knocked twice, waiting for an answer.

The screeching sounded again, this time a little louder and Hoseok heard a few steps before a chain lock was removed and light seeped through the space between the door and carpeted floors. The door finally opened, and he was met with his tutor's small face, messy blonde hair and the cutest pajamas he had ever seen in his life. Apart from being cute, the pajamas were the loose, but still kind of tight around the hips type which meant that they didn't leave a lot of room for imagination around the groin area.

_Aha. That's not what you came for._

"Hoseok?" Hyungwon asked, voice rough, lips swollen and eyes smaller than Hoseok was used to.

"Yes, it's me, cute pajamas. I came to give you your locker key that you forgot at the swimming pool. And I wanted to say sorry because you had to stare at the locker because of me and were probably stressed and forgot it. Does that make sense? Were you sleeping? Ah, and I'm not creepy, I called pure Changkyun and I asked him to give the key to you but he didn't want to, you should reconsider your friendship." It was warmer, but his hands were still freezing, so he rubbed them together furiously, trying to smile.

Hyungwon observed him for a few moments before stepping aside and pulling him into the small room.

"They never heat the hallway, so it's freezing," the blonde man remarked and shut the door behind him. "I was sleeping, but you're not the one who woke me up, so don't worry. My neighbors aren't the most considerate."

Sighing, his tutor walked past the approximately two square meter sized entry that was mostly a wardrobe on one side and a sink and toiletries cupboard on the other side. The rest of the room consisted of a single bed on the left, with a few shelves above it and a desk and a chair on the right, next to a window. Apart from that there was only an armchair standing around, probably to have space to sit apart from the bed or the desk. All of the furniture resembled the stuff one could pick up on the street when people were cleaning out and Hoseok realized that Lien's dorm room was completely filled with her own stuff. It was bigger too.

_And your room at home is like six times the size._

Hyungwon sat down on the bed and gestured for him to sit on the armchair if he wanted to. It was warmer in the room, almost too warm in his parka.

"About the locker thing, thank you for picking up my key. I thought I lost it to be honest. You also don't need to apologize, because you didn't do anything wrong. You were just doing what you always do, I was the weird one, so I'm sorry for making you worry." His tutor massaged his temples and glanced towards the wall next to the armchair and when a brief moan sounded Hoseok understood what Hyungwon had meant by his midnight visit not being the reason for waking up.

"Ay, people should fuck considerately." He shook his head with a grin and pulled out the key, learning forward and placing it into Hyungwon's hot palm. Maybe he was the cold one, but it felt like it was burning. "Well, I was also arrogant for calling you weird, it's hard for me when people are very closed up because I'm usually very open and honest, so I had a hard time, but so did you, I guess."

"I'm sorry," Hyungwon murmured and closed his fingers around the small key. "I'm not used to undressing in front of other people a lot. It had nothing to do with you. I really like that you are so honest, it's a great quality in a person."

The blonde man brushed through his messy hair again, trying to calm it down at the sides and rearrange his bangs. Another moan sounded, but Hyungwon successfully ignored it and chewed on his cheek instead. "Are you still cold?"

"It's weird because my body is hot, but my hands are cold, does that make sense? I need to get my circulation going. Your hands are burning, are you hot?" Hoseok had thought that his tutor might have had difficulties undressing and it was probably hard to admit. He couldn't understand because he didn't care and didn't feel shy about showing his body to anybody.

After another louder moan sounded, Hoseok pointed at the wall and glanced at the blonde man on the bed. "Do they do this shit every night? I hope the fuck not."

"Every second I guess," Hyungwon replied and sighed. Glancing once more towards his visibly cold hands, the other man stretched out his own. "My hands are usually warm, feel free to use them if you like. I always thought more muscle mass also means better circulation."

"I have muscular arms, but look at my hands, they're tiny in comparison to yours!" He shifted closer with the chair and demonstrated to Hyungwon how big his hand was by comparing them, palms flat against each other. "I should've worn gloves, but I was too lazy, you see. Are you sure that you aren't cold? Not that I make you feel cold in return. And did you tell them to stop fucking right next to your ear?"

"I hinted at it, but I feel like they didn't get it or just really don't care." Chuckling, Hyungwon covered his palm with both of his and seemed amused by how it disappeared. "You really have small hands. I guess it's impossible to work out your hands, like the head, that's why they stay tiny. Not like you have a small head, I mean- who am I kidding?"

"They might not care because it wasn't uncomfortable enough," Hoseok replied and closed his eyes briefly, humming at the heat that burned against his hand, but in an entirely good way. "Shivers," he whispered and wiggled in the chair, fighting the goosebumps. "Your head suits your body. It's cute."

Lifting an eyebrow, Hyungwon didn't seem very fascinated by the comment. "What exactly, my head or my body?"

_His head and his personality seem cute._

"Your face is cute and you're acting cute. Your body… Hmm…" He wanted to answer truthfully, so he let his gaze follow Hyungwon's shoulders, his arms, chest and waist running down his thighs before going up again. "I'm not sure that it's cute, it might be, but I would say that it's elegant? Because you're tall, have a nice skin color and your limbs are long too."

The blonde man seemed to be unfamiliar with being checked out and complemented right after, fumbling with Hoseok's hand and shifting on the bed to find a more comfortable position.

"Thank you," Hyungwon muttered eventually before focusing his gaze on Hoseok's face. "Your hands are cute and to be honest your face reminds me a little of a puppy when you are happy because your eyes are round, and your lips curl up. You also have a funny wiggle when you are excited or make amusing noises. I guess those are the things that tell me that you must be younger. Or I'm no fun, who knows."

"Listen," he started, replacing his warmed-up hand between Hyungwon's palms with the cold one before leaning in and pointing at his own face, playful smile in place. "There's a difference. You are cute, and I am gorgeous. I'm handsome and my face is pretty, see?" Hoseok made a cute begging face with a little smile. "Also, being pretty doesn't equal being young. You're super cute but you're older than me."

"Ouch," Hyungwon commented, but he seemed amused. "So, your conclusion is that I'm cute and you're pretty. Your confidence is award worthy. I meant that your behavior makes you seem young, not your face." Another moan sounded, and the blonde man flinched briefly, holding Hoseok's hand a little higher than before, but relaxed quickly. He was good at pretending that nothing had happened, just like with the shampoo.

"I'm not only pretty, I'm also hot and smart, you simply aren't aware of that yet. And my behavior… I guess I can be cute sometimes. Oh my god, you inspired me. Are you annoyed by those fucking noises, Hyungwon?" He grinned and stroked over the warm hand on top of his absentmindedly.

"Ehm, yes?" the other man replied but seemed very cautious about what Hoseok might be planning. "But you are indeed smart. You understand very quickly and shouldn't say that you can't do math. It's not true."

"You're my savior, Hyungwon and I won't accept any other opinion on that matter. Would you let me have some fun? Can I?" Grinning playfully, Hoseok licked his lips and glanced at the wall briefly.

Hyungwon looked mildly terrified and leaned a little further back on the bed before following his gaze.

"As long as it doesn't involve me, I guess?"

"Well, you shouldn't be the one saying 'I guess I'm no fun' in that nostalgic voice and then saying that you won't participate in anything fun. It would be so much better if you would participate, but I will leave the decision to you. Watch how much fun this can be." Pulling his hand out of Hyungwon's hold, he stood up and went to the wall, pressing his ear against it until he found the spot where the voices were the loudest.

_Perfect._

Turning to Hyungwon, he grinned once again, fingers stroking over the wall briefly before he inhaled deeply and let out a low vibrating moan, sound loud and clear.

The blonde man's face was probably even funnier than the faces of the couple on the other side of the wall were. Hyungwon's eyes were wide and his still swollen lips were parted in silent shock as he mouthed what looked like 'sweet Jesus'. Big hands were holding onto the simple, white blanket and, especially in those pajamas, his tutor just looked lost.

"What are you doing?" Hyungwon hissed when he finally caught himself.

"Sshhh, either play along or shut up. What's more your style, low or high? I can do both, but straight dudes usually feel more uncomfortable with low manly moans," he whispered, before inhaling once again and letting out a few moans one after another, eyes fluttering shut before he opened them again, grin in place and listening to the shifting on the other side.

"I don't know, not like I listen to myself," Hyungwon whispered in reply and crawled closer, ear pressed to the wall. "Did they stop?"

"Yes, but this is not enough. His dick is probably half soft now, but we need to make it soft, Hyungwon. Do you understand?" Placing one palm against the wall, Hoseok hit it a few times, letting out lewd sounds and begs and having his absolute best time.

"No, I don't think I understand," Hyungwon muttered and sat down on his calves while still on the bed, eyes focused on Hoseok's face. "You're suspiciously good at this. Somehow I doubt that it's necessary for grasping neuroscience."

"Life is not only about neuroscience, but on the other hand, it kind of is, the axons are firing and it's a lot of fun. Share your kinks, Hyungwon, today is your lucky day, I will give my best and he won't want to fuck next to your room for the next two weeks at least." Licking his lips, Hoseok repeated the wall hitting part, making it sound a bit dull, like a head and doing his best to make it impossible to concentrate on anything else apart from his low moans and pleads.

"Jesus Christ," Hyungwon hissed again before turning around with his back to the wall and hitting his head against it, eyes closed and right hand covering his face. "What in God's name is a kink, Hoseok?"

_What, really? But then again, he studies math, so he probably isn't familiar. But then again… how?_

Loving the head hitting part, he adapted to the rhythm and rubbed his palm against the wall. "So you're the 'oh god' person, fine, I can do that." Inhaling another portion of air, Hoseok dramatically sunk down the wall, going all out with the begging and the groans in between. "Oh my god, fuck, please, Jesus Christ, just like that, yes, fuck, that's right, baby. You're doing it so well, holy mother of God."

Hyungwon reached for the blanket in the meantime and covered himself all the way to his chest, one hand still hiding his face.

"Aren't you going to stop?" the blonde man whispered, brown eyes peeking through his fingers.

"As I'm your guest today, you can make me come. Give me a sign and I'll orgasm for you, today is your lucky day." Grinning brightly because it was so much fun, Hoseok lifted back on his feet and walked to the bed, sitting down next to Hyungwon and loving the screeching. "Oh my god, the sound is perfect. Now you just need to make me come."

Hyungwon stared at him through his fingers, lips visibly stuttering 'what' until he turned to the shelves and stared at them instead.

"Can't I just die instead?" the low voice muttered as his tutor tried to slip lower under the blanket, knees almost pulled all the way to his chest.

"No way, it's no fun and there's no perception. Fine, I just want you to know that you are missing your chance, darling." Shifting closer to the wall, Hoseok put both palms against it and started hitting it regularly, murmuring all kinds of curses, begging and moaning in a low vibrating voice before scratching over the wall with both hands and groaning as a perfect finish.

Acting was like reality, similarly exhausting and triggering associations, so he let himself fall on top of the bed, breathing heavily and smile in place because it was so much fun.

When the silence stretched for several seconds with nothing but breaths interrupting it, Hyungwon shifted next to him and finally removed his gaze from the shelves.

"Are you okay?" the blonde man asked and played with the buttons of the blanket cover that he had thrown over himself the wrong way around.

Laughing, he rolled to the side, head placed in his palm and gaze focused on the small face. "Yeah, it was so much fun. But I need to breathe because all of it has the same physical base as if it was real moaning. I gave my absolute best."

"I probably won't be able to look them in the eyes," the low voice next to him mumbled before his tutor sighed and shifted again, still hiding under his blanket. "So, for you fun means living out 'kinks'?"

"You think it's my kink to moan at walls? Nooo, I like other things. Things one can do together. The wall and me, it was a short and very one-sided relationship and I sacrificed my dignity to save you from furious inconsiderate fucking noises. Are you proud of me?" Hoseok leaned forward and made puppy eyes, both hands cupping his cheeks.

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth for a few seconds before replying.

"Thank you. So, you saved me by making 'furious inconsiderate f-noises'?"

"Yes. But to be very honest with you, my inconsiderate fucking noises were way more attractive than his. He was so boring, without passion. Anyways, I hope that you will be able to sleep now. I've been here for a long time already, right?" A glance at the clock on the wall showed him that it was way after one.

Hyungwon let his right hand sink into his blonde hair and massaged his temples. "I don't know, to be honest the time was the last thing on my mind, Hoseok. You should make sure to get some sleep, you had none yesterday. I'm also very thankful for the key, not many would bother to bring it over. You're really considerate."

_Considerate isn't really what you usually go for, but okay._

"Thank you. I'll get some sleep at some point, don't worry. I'll make sure to concentrate tomorrow too. I really hope that you can sleep well tonight." He jumped up, slipped into his thick jacket and wrapped the white scarf around his neck before making a finger heart and blowing the blonde man on the bed a kiss.

"Is it okay if I don't say goodbye at the door? I know it's rude," Hyungwon replied and looked visibly guilty for remaining in place. "Thank you for getting rid of the noises too and I'm glad you had fun."

_Adorable._

"I tried my best to refrain, but you're so fucking cute, I need to squeeze you once," he muttered and slowly moved towards the blanket-covered person, wrapping his arms around the slim torso and patting his back briefly. "Don't worry, and take care, Hyungwon. See you later."

Hyungwon hummed in reply and tried to give him an awkward half-bro hug in return. Luckily, he gave up rather quickly and squeezed his shoulder instead.

_Weirdo._

Smiling one last time, Hoseok waved and left the tiny dorm room, running down the stairs so quickly that he almost slipped at the entrance. As soon as the cold surrounded him, he pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, inhaling the grey smoke that made him feel even colder as he walked towards his parents' apartment, heart hammering in his ears like a loud drum that he tried his best to ignore.

_Let’s calm down, Hoseok. You need to calm down._

_***_

The other side of the white wall was silent, even though only moments ago there had been a parade of moans echoing through his tiny dorm room.

It was already half past one in the morning, but Hyungwon still hadn't moved from his spot on the bed, blanket pulled over his knees and head resting against said wall. Maybe that was why he felt so surprised by the lack of noise. He was close enough to hear everything, but not even a bed screeched like the way his own did.

_Maybe you're the only one who kept the provided bed and everybody else uses one from home._

One might have thought that whatever his math student had done was like a magic spell for peaceful quiet, the one thing he had been secretly begging for while tossing and turning since 11 pm.

_Only that now you have peace and quiet, but you're still sitting here._

Hyungwon sighed and massaged his temples. Hoseok seemed to be very good at creating random unexpected associations. Now he not only had to think of Bella when seeing his hair, but he had to remember the first-year's moan concerto whenever his bed screeched because he shifted his behind on top of it.

_Hallelujah._

His heartbeat had calmed down enough to qualify as normal and with a little bit of meditation he might have brought it down even further. The problem was that meditation was more difficult when aroused, at least for him because it helped to pay attention to bodily signals instead of thoughts and that really wasn't his goal right now.

There were so many things wrong with hanging around in a dorm room at night and being aroused because of random moaning, that Hyungwon didn't even know where to start with blaming himself. Hoseok had helpfully pointed out that men usually got more annoyed by low, masculine moans, but the question was whether discomfort qualified as getting annoyed.

_Usually you're much better at avoiding situations like this. What the hell is wrong with today?_

Maybe it was a cascade of bad decisions, starting with swimming in the evening instead of the morning and embarrassing himself and finishing with a moan concerto of his math student and embarrassing himself further.

_You were being a dick to him, even though it's not his fault that you freak out._

Sighing out loud, he shifted and stood up from the bed. The screeching was ridiculous, but Hyungwon didn't feel like there was a need for another bed. He didn't do anything apart from sleeping on it and for that it was decent. It seemed right to keep all the furniture he was given. Why would he waste money and buy new things if he didn't need anything apart from a table to work at and a bed to sleep on? Maybe a chair for Changkyun for when he popped by.

To be honest, Hyungwon would have felt bad about buying new furniture and rearranging his dorm room. There was no real need for him to live away from home and it was more expensive, so requesting more money to make it comfortable just seemed greedy at this point. It was better to have a bed that screeched and was only good for sleeping and a desk that was meant for studying and nothing else.

_You're focused that way, just the way you wanted to be._

His pajama pants weren't as uncomfortably tight anymore and his teeth were also brushed quickly to get rid of the disgusting taste in his mouth. Hyungwon had to focus on the good things instead of the thoughts that made him feel guilty. Being rude was against his principles, but he hoped that Hoseok understood and didn't feel too upset.

_You mustn't be unfriendly to him just because you felt uncomfortable. He's your student and you're helping him, so you have some responsibility towards him._

Even if Hoseok switched between looking like a puppy and making Hyungwon feel like an idiot, that wasn't something to blame the first-year for, but rather something he had to deal with on his own.

As soon as Hyungwon lay in bed again with the blanket covering his shoulders, he felt the sudden need to call Sarah for the first time in several weeks.

_The first time since your meeting back then._

He couldn't quite explain it, but it felt like talking to her was going to make it okay again, return the previous calm and maybe even enable him to meditate. The two of them had known each other for a long time, even if it had gotten a little awkward.

_And again, that is your fault and not hers, but you are punishing her for it._

But it was too late to call her, so he merely turned to the side and stared at the white wall, trying not to think about the way his student threw his head back and pretended to be having the best time of his life as a 'game'.

_Better think about how you're going to look your neighbor in the eye and teach Hoseok math._

His student had said that he needed him after all.

_

"Jesus man," Changkyun exclaimed as soon as he picked up the phone, giggling right after because it was his favorite greeting and he knew that it sounded ridiculous and meant absolutely nothing. Hyungwon rolled his eyes and massaged his nose bridge even though his best friend couldn’t see it. To be honest, he was grateful for not being pushed to voicemail as Kyun was very good at forgetting about communication as soon as Friday came around. Hyungwon wasn't too sure why but he assumed it was because his friend's family wasn't fond of smartphones.

"Hey, when are you going home today?" he asked and closed the door to his dorm room behind himself, locking it twice even though there was no way that anybody would consider breaking into it. "I wanted to ask you for a favor."

"What's up with favors recently? Hoseok asked me yesterday because you forgot your locker key even though you're usually thorough. Did he manage to give it to you?"

_Now that's what you were trying not to think about._

"Yeah, he did, so I was able to go for a swim. It was nice of him. He's a considerate friend." Hyungwon was doing his best to compensate for being mean and rude while walking past his neighbor’s dorm room and the kitchen as quickly as he was able to. He still had no idea how to even look the guy in the eye without having to think about what was going on inside his head upon seeing Hyungwon after the night before.

"Wow, is he a martyr now? I doubt that he has 'resisted to the point of shedding blood in his striving against sin'," Changkyun quoted and swallowed a few gulps of water on the other end.

_He didn’t do that, but he's still considerate and not at fault for your issues._

"Not quite, but he's not far from 'Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up' either. But that's not why I called you." Hyungwon felt relieved when he left the dorm building without any uncomfortable confrontations and walked the few minutes to his next lecture. "Since I'm going to teach on Fridays now, I won't be able to make it for dinner, so I hoped that you could pop by and let my parents know in person since you're going to be there anyway."

"Right-" Changkyun muttered and fumbled with something on the other end before clearing his throat. "Yeah, sure, I'll do that. No worries, Hyungwon. I'll let them know and we'll see each other on Sunday."

"Thank you, you're the best!" he exclaimed because it was indeed relieving to know that his parents were going to find out in person instead of through one of his messages or an uncomfortable phone call.

_And you don't want them to think that you're making excuses._

"Sure, I'm a martyr," Changkyun giggled. "Jesus man."

As soon as his friend hung up on him, Hyungwon already felt much better. The biggest issue he had on Fridays was taken care of.

That is until he remembered that he had new associations to fight with and that there was no way that Hoseok's face was suddenly going to look different after a single day.

_At least there is no screeching bed and no neighbors to torment you._

_

He didn't want it to be awkward, so he had prepared as well as he could. The table was arranged like last time and Hyungwon had brought the assignment from last week because Hoseok didn't have much time to finish it. They had a lot to catch up with, so he doubted that one hour was going to be enough.

_You should also remind him to go to the tutorials because you explain the solutions to the tasks again._

Playing with a random pencil, Hyungwon stared at the lecture book he opened on the right page and begged for it to not be awkward. He had promised to help and he didn't want his own associations and strange aversive reactions to be the reason for Hoseok losing his footing in math.

_He learns so quickly and tries hard. You can't let him fail. It's against your principles._

Unfortunately, he was concentrating so hard on thinking about awkwardness that he didn't see anybody coming, only suffering from a mild heart attack when he felt cold palms on his shoulders.

"Hola, Hyungwon. Did you sleep well?" the low voice spoke before his student leaned down, covering him in a scent of berries and cigarettes and smiled at him, eyes turning into crescents.

_Was he at a club again to smell like smoke?_

That was unlikely considering that Hoseok had been with him until one in the morning, but somehow nothing seemed to be unusual with the brunette.

"Are you Spanish now?" he asked and chuckled before pointing at the lecture book and not elaborating on the quality of his sleep. The cold hands on his shoulders reminded him of the fact that he had considered it a good deed to warm them for the younger man.

_Like a weirdo._

"I am not, but I love chorizo. God, you're so warm, how do you do that with your slim body? Shouldn't you be freezing all the time?" Hoseok took off his jacket and sat next to him before pulling out his assignment and a pen with many tiny penises drawn on it.

_What is this even?_

Hyungwon pursed his lips and pretended not to notice as he cleared his throat and pointed at the third task from the last time, that Hoseok hadn't solved yet. Those penises were even different sizes as if diversity was necessary for something as vulgar as a pen covered in genitals.

"Maybe it's because I never go to the sauna, got to keep myself warm," he commented before realizing that he must explain the concept before expecting his student to apply it. "Let's get into row reduction. Then you should be able to do task 3 and 4 by yourself."

"Please enlighten me, teacher." The pale face transformed into the adorable puppy expression Hyungwon considered cute as Hoseok turned his penis pen in his right hand, waiting for instructions.

_How is he not embarrassed using that?_

"Enlightenment is something else," Hyungwon muttered while avoiding staring at Hoseok's face too much and focusing on definitions. Definitions were amazing because they stayed the same and couldn't disappoint, so he came up with lots of examples before talking Hoseok through a proof to make sure he understood what the whole point was. "Proofs can be the most difficult because you need a lot of different concepts, but you don't need to recreate it, to understand it. Do you feel ready for the tasks?"

Chewing on his cheek, he finally dared to look at Hoseok's face again to make sure the first-year understood.

"I guess, but you might be disappointed," his student replied with an apologetic smile before pulling out some lip balm and slowly applying it on his lips while staring at the formula that they wrote down. Hyungwon tried not to follow the motion because it wasn't relevant to math, not at all. He didn't even know why Hoseok was using lip stuff in the first place and right at that moment. "Okay, can you explain it again? I was thinking about something else for the past five minutes and I'm sorry."

_He's distracted?_

"What were you thinking about?" Hyungwon asked because maybe there was something concerning him and it was mean to glaze over it and expect him to forget about his concerns. After all, Hyungwon was also constantly juggling with his concerns and losing focus even though it wasn't his student's fault. "It's okay, we're all just human and can get distracted."

"I was wondering whether your neighbors let you sleep last night," his student replied and put the red lip balm back into the pocket of his jeans. It smelled like berries too.

_Maybe he likes berries._

"Oh- yeah, it was… really quiet afterwards," he replied and hoped that his ears weren't going to change color. That is until he remembered that he had let his hair grow and there was no way for it to show his ears. Maybe the whole Golden Retriever business was not that bad. Hyungwon only needed to re-dye it into a nice grey-brown. Everything was solvable, also the awkwardness. "Thank you for your help, Hoseok. You're really nice for putting in all that effort."

_Why does it feel so weird to say that after he moaned and scratched over your wall while pretending to orgasm?_

"The pleasure was all mine, no worries." Smiling playfully, his student brushed back the long brown locks that covered his forehead and made him look extra cute. "I'm glad that it worked, I gave it my best."

"You should be an actor," Hyungwon muttered before going a page back to the proof he had been explaining extensively, but apparently without success. "I'll just explain it again then."

He chewed on his bottom lip for a few seconds until he remembered his mother reprimanding him for ruining the tender skin and sucked his lips into his mouth instead. This was awkward, but he could do this. He only had to stop thinking about how he reacted to Hoseok's performance because that was only human and focus on math and the fact that he was helping a first-year with something important instead.

_Math, math is important._

"Oh, but it wasn't just acting, the best performance always has a genuine base! That's why it's good, you know?" Hoseok nodded and leaned closer into his personal space, glancing at the proof and chewing on his lips. "Thank you for helping me. You're the best."

Hyungwon swallowed while staring at the proof instead of Hoseok.

_What does he mean by genuine base?_

There was nothing apart from pretense in the performance he had seen. Nothing arousing had been happening and a screeching bed and freezing temperatures would in no way cause that kind of moaning. Especially whatever had left Hoseok's lips the night before.

"Y-yeah, you mean that you need to know what it sounds like to impersonate it, right?" he commented before pointing his index finger at the first line of the proof and asking Hoseok what the mathematical manipulation to the second line was.

After a few moments, the low voice replied to his mathematical question before simply continuing with the reply to his first. "That would be just copying, but that's not it, you need to get into the mood. In addition, sex itself is a combination of arousal, motion, making sounds, hearing sounds and the feeling that accompanies all that, right? So there's a complex association. Take your brain for example, if you start moaning right now, it might be a simple mechanical act to produce a sound, but the association in my brain and in your brain implies so much more, it's connected to arousal, to the way it feels when you usually make sounds like that. So it's not just imitation, it's performing one part that will most definitely lead to other associations and sensations known by your brain." Hoseok wrote down something and pointed at the third line. "And that's the proof."

_Associations, he basically told you that they aren't meaningless._

Hyungwon pressed his lips together and tried to stare at the numbers and mathematical signs in front of him that were supposed to make sense but didn't.

"Wow," he muttered and swallowed down some more saliva before letting his index finger slip to the fourth line. "I guess I just got neuroscienced. I hope those associations don't… bother you then. You must have been listening after all, what's the next step?"

Hoseok hummed and scribbled down his train of thoughts, still abusing his lips with a look of deep concentration on his face. "Listening? To myself, you mean? Please define bothering," his student asked nonchalantly.

_The way they bother you._

"To me while explaining," Hyungwon clarified and felt stupid for being just as distracted as he accused his student of being. It was Friday evening, but that meant nothing. They had so much they had to catch up with to get Hoseok on track and here he was talking about pointless associations and them taking away his peace of mind. "It doesn't really matter, just pointless stuff like having to think of it. Don't worry about it and let's try to focus. I planned a lot for today."

"Of course, I think about it. It's hot." A playful smile appeared on the pale face before his student slapped his own cheeks and nodded. "But now I'll be a good boy and listen."

"And I thought your relationship with the wall was one-sided." Massaging his temples briefly, Hyungwon took a deep breath and moved smoothly into explanation mode. It was easier when he tried to show Hoseok how amazing a proof was, how meaningful it could be to know that one has shown something genuinely true because it was logical. It was easier than contemplating his student's preferences when it came to meaningless moaning and begging.

_That you reacted to because you are human. Which is normal and now something that can be forgotten just like every other embarrassing story._

Hyungwon's parents would have never let him move out if they knew what kind of crazy stuff happens at college.

Hoseok was listening, writing down important points like usual and connecting them with arrows if there was a relationship. "Why would I care about the wall?" the low voice chuckled before his student rolled up his sleeves, showing some of the tattooed skin, and seamlessly continued making notes.

_Cause he said that it's hot._

Hyungwon didn't answer and just stared at the paper instead of his student's tattooed arms. Hoseok had the bad boy look that Changkyun sometimes joked about wanting and it wasn't all that surprising that there was ink on the boy's pale skin. Skin that Hyungwon actually didn't want to look at.

_Focus._

Brushing through his _ash-brown_ bangs, he inhaled sharply and smoothly transitioned into solving tasks, telling Hoseok how to do it and smiling whenever the brunette man cheered up because he managed to do it. It was better that way, simplistic and positive without any unnecessary thoughts. The first-year was cute when he was happy and when he solved the last task on the assignment sheet, Hyungwon drew a dog with a thumbs up under it.

"You're doing amazing! Stop lying to yourself that you can't do this. At this rate we might actually get to solve the assignment that's due before next Tuesday."

"But I'm not lying to myself. I can only do it because you keep explaining it to me and you're pretty good at it too, so it's easy to follow. I wouldn't be able to do this without you, so stop lying to yourself." Hoseok winked, grinning brightly and crossing his arms in front of his chest. "I'm so lucky that you agreed to help me. You still didn't tell me how much you're charging and whether you want it in cash."

_This is for money?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened in surprise and he couldn't believe that Hoseok hadn't been aware of it being a simple service to the first-year, helping because he needed the help.

"I wasn't expecting any money, Hoseok. I'm helping because you need it. In addition, I like explaining and this is fun, so it feels good when you do that happy face because you understood something." Smiling, he pointed at the corners of the brunette's mouth before switching to the content of the second lecture. "And why would you pay me money if you could pay an actual teacher?"

He didn't expect the lack of reaction, wide eyes and the following dumbfounded expression on the pale face as Hoseok leaned in, gaze focused and looking intense. "Excuse me? This is actual work? And you're an actual teacher? Are you drunk? You aren't drunk, right? Then why are you talking about things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever? How much is it?"

_He doesn't believe you._

"I'm neither drunk nor am I talking nonsense. You are somebody who asked me for help, for something that I am easily able to provide. Money just makes it feel dirty," Hyungwon muttered and brushed through his hair again. "I like helping and I like the way it feels when you smile because you understand. Money doesn't do that."

Hoseok was still staring at him before shaking his head briefly.

"Why would you make me feel appreciated for my stupid smile if you could've just taken the money and bought yourself some earplugs instead? I don't understand. Now I feel hardcore guilty because you feel like you have to do this."

"I don't feel like I have to do this, I want to." Hyungwon smiled and reached out to ruffle up the longer strands on top of Hoseok's head. They were soft and felt nice against his fingertips, so he kept his hand there a little longer before pulling away again. "You have a nice smile and happiness is a treasure, so please keep it."

"Help," the boy muttered, still staring at him with his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. A few seconds passed before his student inhaled deeply, blinked once and the familiar playful smile reappeared on his round face. "Now that you think that I'm a good boy and ruffled my hair you can also rub my stomach and behind my ear, I'm really sensitive there." Hoseok pointed at a spot with a small tattoo right under his protruding ear.

"We can talk again when you turn into a dog," Hyungwon replied and felt embarrassed suddenly, fumbling with the lecture slides until he finally found the next definitions and pointed at them to return Hoseok's attention to the matter at hand. Math. "Let's go through the lecture content and then try to do the assignments so it's done for next week. Do you have to go anywhere tonight? It's already late and I don't know how long it will take."

"No, I told Kihyun that I don't know how long I'll be gone, it's fine, but what about you? Don't you have to go anywhere?" Hoseok played tricks with his embarrassing pen, pulling one sleeve higher and waiting for instructions.

"I usually visit my parents over the weekend, but they know that I won't be there for dinner, so it doesn't really matter how long this takes. Just please tell me when you get exhausted." A hint of guilt was still there for not joining family dinner, but Hyungwon ignored it and began with the content of the second lecture, giving detailed examples and elaborating on the purpose of the concepts. He was successful in glancing at the formulas mostly and only when an epiphany appeared on Hoseok's face and the brunette smiled widely before scribbling something, did he allow himself to look at the indeed rather pretty face for a man. After all the smile was his reward, so it was okay to look, wasn't it?

"I live with my parents, it's just a ten-minute walk away from your dorm, but we never eat together at home, so it doesn't matter when I come."

_They never eat together? Oh no, they must have a difficult relationship._

"I'm sorry about that," Hyungwon murmured and looked up from the proof he was currently reconstructing. Hoseok looked thoughtful. "Eating together is like a tradition for my family, so it matters a lot to them, especially at dinner. Are your parents very busy?"

"Huh? No. We just like eating different things at the times when we're hungry. My parents are the best." The boy grinned and reached for his head, ruffling his hair for no reason. "You're adorable."

_For thinking that his parents have no time to eat together?_

"At least you don't associate me with Bella anymore," he muttered and sighed before deciding that he should resume his explanation. Just because they had nowhere to be, didn't mean that it was okay to sit and do nothing in a seminar room with bad illumination and pitch black outside the windows because it was already almost eight. "Are you hungry?"

"Who's Bella? I'm usually the thirsty type. I guess I should eat something at some point. But don't worry and feed me your proofs, teacher." Hoseok laughed and leaned back against the chair, stretching, his sweatshirt tight on his chest and stomach. The sight reminded Hyungwon of two things, first, the fact that Hoseok was a very muscular person which became obvious at the swimming pool and second, that for some reason Hyungwon stared which was utterly rude.

"Bella is my dog," he murmured and fixed his bangs before massaging his temples and feeling like common sense must have returned by now. "You're thirsty? I have water and some nuts as snacks."

_Perfect to focus on something else._

Hyungwon turned to his bag and took out his water bottle and the medium sized bag of dried fruit and nuts that he usually had with him to make sure his low blood sugar didn't get the best of him, particularly after swimming.

He must've said something utterly funny as Hoseok started laughing, voice low and vibrating in the empty room as the muscular arms wrapped around the man's waist.

"Sure," the laughing continued. "Nuts are fine too."

Hyungwon had no idea what it was about, but he ripped open the package and placed it on the table before handing Hoseok the water.

"I'm not ill, so it should be fine unless you mind sharing spit."

"Sharing spit is my favorite. You're a real Golden Retriever, aren't you? But thank you so much." Breathing heavily after the good laugh, Hoseok took the bottle and threw his head back, drinking a few big gulps before placing it on the table in front of them.

_There he goes again._

"Each time you say that, your responsibility to fix my hair grows. You offered after all." Smiling briefly because this was still better than talking about the day before, Hyungwon shifted on his chair and leaned his head on his palm to watch how Hoseok was going to solve the first task of the assignments for next week. If the brunette was able to do it that meant that he could do it in the exam too.

"Mhm, I'll fix it. Tell me a time and come over, it's easier with a bathroom that's not located outside of the dorms." His student took a few nuts and started chewing cutely, like a bunny, making big motions with his jaw while writing down the solution into his notebook.

_He's adorable._

Hyungwon smiled and caught himself observing the chewing for a little longer than the scribbles in Hoseok's notebook. There was something fascinating to it, like there was nothing about Hoseok that should have made him nervous in the first place. The first-year was trying hard, even if his behavior was confusing sometimes. When he recognized a small mistake in the calculation, he briefly pointed at it to not let Hoseok go too far and lose time.

_If he'll really fix your hair, you can only do it on the weekend._

Hyungwon didn't say anything until the student finished calculating and he drew a small star under it because it was correct.

"Good job! That's what you'll have to hand in next week. First one already done. Concerning the hair, I will only have time on the weekend I guess, but you're probably busy, so don't worry about it. I'll survive looking like Bella."

_You're also busy because you still need to find time for Sarah._

"Your achievement drawings make me feel like I'm in primary school again, I love it. You can come Saturday afternoon, then I'll make you look hot for the evening. Although you might end up looking cute because that's how your face is." Pulling the notebook to his face, Hoseok kissed the star that he drew and smiled.

_His behavior is so arbitrary, but it feels like a reward._

"Says the one with the 'pretty face'," Hyungwon replied and chuckled right after, wondering how Hoseok came up with these random antics of his. They didn't make any sense, just like the penis pen that he had almost gotten used to. "I don't think my parents need me to look hot for Saturday evening, but thanks. I just want to go for ash-brown, kind of silver but still natural and without people talking in the next village. Does that make sense?"

"No, not at all, but it's okay, I do understand colors. Send me a pic of how it's supposed to look and I'll get the right dye. In addition, my pretty face has nothing to do with your adorable face. Makes me want to squish your cheeks and see whether your lips will curl up into a bow." Hoseok grinned and demonstrated what he meant on his own face, pressing both palms against his pale cheeks and making his curved mouth curl funnily.

_He's the adorable one, childish but also confusing._

Hyungwon stared until he involuntarily remembered pictures that his mom took of him as a kid because his lips always got swollen and made him look like Angelina Jolie.

"That's what I look like at night," he muttered and brushed through his bangs again before pointing at the second task. They had to focus, or they were going to spend the night in an empty seminar room with bad lighting. "I'll send you a picture of the color once I find it. Maybe a little greyer is also okay. Changkyun did it before, but maybe he ruined it on purpose, who knows."

"Yeah, I see you want me to concentrate. Let me do a one-minute exercise to energize before we continue." Hoseok stood up, rolled his sleeves up higher and took one of the chairs, placing his feet on top of it with his upper body on the floor and starting to do push-ups.

Hyungwon stared, baffled by the sudden switch that didn't give him enough time to be decent and do something useful during that time. His student might have been cute when he felt happy, but the sheer strength that his body possessed was anything but. The weight must have been even more than a normal push-up and Hyungwon sat there on his chair, watching the way the brunette's arms bulged and hearing the heavy breathing. He shouldn't have bothered watching.

_Because now you must think of it again._

Exhaling roughly, he turned around and fumbled with the book again, opening an arbitrary page and trying to read it while Hoseok was still huffing and puffing a few meters away from him.

At some point there was shuffling, and his student let himself fall on a chair next to him, one arm stretched out on the table and head placed on top of it. Hoseok was breathing quickly, cheeks pink, a few tiny drops of sweat glistening on his forehead and lips spread in a smile. "Better," he murmured.

"And this doesn't give you the same feedback?" Hyungwon couldn't help asking and stared at his own hands for a few moments before daring one more glance at his student. The sight was familiar, similar associations that he didn't want to have because the context was different.

"Huh? What feedback?" It took a few seconds before the curved lips parted and there was understanding on Hoseok's face. "Ah, no, not really because it's not the same motion. One doesn't usually exercise the hips, you know? But then again it could be because of the rapid heartbeat and muscle tension, but as I said it's different muscles, plus sounds can lead to all kinds of associations because of further levels of processing. If I'm breathing quickly like that, and my heart beats super-fast and then I start moaning, what do you think would happen?"

Hyungwon really didn't want to know.

"Well, yesterday you didn't do any hip motions either," he muttered and shrugged before aimlessly flipping through the pages. It was easier than staring at Hoseok and having to deal with the fact that he looked like the day before, even if he had simply done a few pushups.

"That's true, but I said all kinds of things yesterday. Words need a higher level of processing and are therefore more effective. That's why I asked what you think would happen if I added the verbal and auditory context to my quick heartbeat." The smile remained as Hoseok didn't move and kept his gaze on his face, chest rising and sinking quickly.

_He would get aroused, wouldn't he?_

"I'm not sure I want to know," he whispered and sucked his lips into his mouth, eyes trying to remain on the book but continuously slipping towards Hoseok's attentive eyes.

"That means you know. Good job. Let's say you answered it correctly because I can see that you know exactly what I'm talking about. Here's a heart for your efforts." His student shifted closer and took his pen, drawing a small heart on his hand, cold fingers holding it in place.

_How can they still be cold after working out?_

"And what is it that you are teaching me in return, Hoseok?" he asked quietly and finally dared to remove his attention from the book and meet the brunette's gaze.

"I'm teaching you how the brain works," Hoseok whispered, coloring the heart on his hand blue with careful strokes while hot exhales hit his skin because Hoseok's face was so close to his hand.

Hyungwon swallowed, not daring to pull his fingers away from the other man's cold ones.

_If it's just knowledge, then it's okay, isn't it?_

The problem was that Hyungwon had never asked for it in the first place.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 3

_Is he really so innocent or does he just act like it? But why is he acting?_

Standing under the hot shower and letting his body heat up after being in the cold to get Hyungwon’s hair dye, he wondered what made his math tutor so unique. Admittedly, unique wasn’t always good, but the Golden Retriever had an adorable personality that bordered on naivety and pureness.

_Like pure Changkyun only for real._

Hoseok was a playful person and he loved flirting to the right and to the left and lying on the table with his heart hammering in his ribcage and seeing the thick lips that Hyungwon parted as soon as he started talking about moaning made it so hard to resist. He had wanted to do something stupid, something that would’ve satisfied his curiosity about how the golden skin felt against his fingers, or whether the full lips turned into a bow when he sucked them into his mouth. Instead, he drew a small heart to get at least some of the perceptions that his brain was demanding from him and did a lot of math. What a bummer.

_But he’s not your type. He’s too taken aback by everything and so nice. Why is he so nice? In a weird way._

Shaking his head and reaching between his legs, he hissed at the sensation, playing and teasing himself a little, smile in place and thinking about Hyungwon’s cute antics.

_He blushed when he sat there and ‘sweet Jesused’ at you._

That one was admittedly arousing, so he gave himself a few strokes, moaning softly and playing with the tip. He liked how wide the brown eyes were and how affected his tutor seemed by his vocal performance. At first, he thought of it as fun only, but the reactions were so unexpected that it made him affected too.

_Good that you left._

This way, he was never going to come, so he simply turned on his head cinema and integrated the images of the slim body that he had seen from behind, with the messy dirty-blonde bangs, the parted lips and the low breathy voice that had to talk about Jesus for some reason, but the rest was arousing enough to make him come with a loud moan.

_Good. Now you probably have exactly five minutes. Just hope that he’s a little late._

Jeezy barking like crazy told him that he misjudged the time, that he was indeed standing naked in the shower after touching himself to the thought of his math tutor saying ‘sweet Jesus’. For fuck's sake.

Jumping out and wrapping a black towel around his hips, he rushed to the door because mom was out getting a package. Jeezy was standing right in front of the door, trying to push his nose into the tiny crack and get a better idea of how the person behind it smelled.

“He smells good, and now be a good boy, okay?” Hoseok patted the flat head and opened the door a little bit, biting down on his bottom lip and pointing at Jeezy’s snout, showing from in between his legs, lifting the towel. “This is a strange situation, but I didn’t think about the time, so I miscalculated the shower time and now my dog is trying to undress me. Please come in, he doesn’t bite, he just intensively smells people.”

Hyungwon seemed perfectly relaxed at first, gaze calm as he stood in front of Hoseok's door in his fancy black coat and the typical shoulder bag that he always wore, looking busy. His tutor even had some flowers in his right hand for some reason like some rendition of Prince Charming. It was a mixture of differently colored tulips.

The calm stayed for what felt like 5 seconds that Hyungwon needed to let his eyes pass over what he could see of Hoseok.

"Why are you naked?" the blonde man muttered before he recognized the wet snout at the bottom. "I- don't mind dogs. He or she can probably smell Bella and is curious. I just played with her."

“Why I’m naked? Because I was waiting for you?” Hoseok replied and rolled his eyes before opening the door a little wider for Hyungwon to come in. “Are the flowers for me?” Grinning, he stepped back and held onto his towel, letting Jeezy smell Hyungwon and stuff his cold nose between his legs because that’s where it always smelled best. “His name is Jeezy. And he doesn’t seem to mind you either.”

"Why would you wait for me naked? I thought we talked about this." His tutor pursed his lips, cheeks pink from the cold and seemed very grateful for Jeezy's presence because he crouched down and placed the flowers on the floor next to him. A smile spread the plump lips as Hyungwon played with Jeezy's fur and ears and didn't even mind having his face licked. "You're a gorgeous dog, what a good boy."

_You talked about being naked? Huh?_

“Are you sure you were talking to me about being naked? Because I can’t remember any talk like that. If one is naked, you can’t get dye on your clothes, Hyungwon. Why are you so unprofessional about this?!” he exclaimed and wrapped his towel tighter. “Anyways, I’ll go put on some clothes just for you. Jeezy probably licked his balls before licking your face, just saying.” Grinning to himself and after making sure that his dog wouldn’t suddenly decide to eat his tutor, Hoseok went to his room and slipped into black sweatpants and a white shirt, briefly drying his hair and returning to the hallway.

“You can give me your coat,” he murmured, stretching out his hand.

Hyungwon seemed to be very occupied with giving his dog his undivided attention, causing Jeezy to succumb on the floor and have his paws up because those big hands were skillfully rubbing his stomach. The blonde man tried to get out of his coat without stopping the ministrations which looked rather amusing.

"Sorry, I didn't know that dye could ruin your clothes. Please don't wear anything valuable, Changkyun just wore black last time," his tutor pointed out, obviously not getting his fake outrage from before. "About the nudity… I meant our talk at the swimming pool, but this is different of course. It's just you and me."

“But I was the naked one. You were wearing your coat and everything. Also, that was irony because I actually said that I miscalculated the time, but you must’ve been too utterly shocked by me being hot to listen to my explanation. Don’t worry, I’m careful with dye.” Hoseok hung the coat on the hook and pointed at the flowers that Jeezy catapulted to the other side with his tail. “What’s that?”

"Flowers," Hyungwon replied and grinned before patting Jeezy's stomach one last time and standing up to slip out of his black leather shoes that he placed on a rack even though nobody else ever bothered. "Never seen any? You're missing out."

_Really man?_

Lifting his eyebrows and wondering why he thought he had to touch himself before Hyungwon came, Hoseok shook his head at his own stupidity and walked into the kitchen to make coffee, accompanied by his dog trying to make him fall by pushing his snout into his knees from the back. “What do you drink? Chamomile tea?” he joked and turned to look at his tutor who was wearing a pair of tight black pants that seemed a little too elegant for the occasion and a loose sweatshirt that hid his waist but emphasized his shoulders.

"I drink anything really, but water is good." Hyungwon followed him and leaned against one of the counters, eyes fixated on Jeezy at first before meeting his gaze. The tulips were in his right hand and he smelled them briefly, features relaxing. "I'm sorry if I made you angry. It was just a joke. The flowers are for your mom. You live with your parents, right?"

_What?_

“For my mom? Oh god. Yes, I do live with my parents, but that…” he couldn’t finish as the door opened and his mom came in, smashing the package on the table and slipping out of her shoes in the door frame before crouching down to kiss Jeezy even though she knew so well about the ball licking.

“Hi bunny, I think this one was for you and you probably knew it too, didn’t you?” His mom narrowed her gaze, before recognizing that there was another person and immediately plastering a pretty smile on her face. “Oh, you have a guest? Hi, I’m Mari, Hoseok’s mom.”

Hyungwon was visibly surprised at first by the ruckus and the shoes that were still lying around in the doorway, but the blonde man quickly caught himself. A genuine smile was on his lips as he made his way towards Hoseok's mom and held out his hand.

"It's nice to meet you, Mari. I hope you don't mind that I use your first name then. My name is Hyungwon and I really hope you like tulips." His tutor had a sweet smile, the cute definitely worked for him as he stretched out the flowers and handed them to his mom. The most unfair bit was that it didn't look fake at all, Hyungwon was just way too nice and weird like that.

Before he could even open his mouth and clear the obvious misunderstanding that lit up his mom’s eyes, she stepped closer and gave Hyungwon a hug before turning to him and starting her monologue despite him waving his hands furiously and mouthing ‘no’.

“I don’t know what happened, bunny, but isn’t it usually the hot guys who say hi, disappear in your room and then I never see them again? But I love this development.” Turning around, she winked and smiled at Hyungwon. The poor guy.

“No, no no no no, he’s my math tutor, mom, he teaches me math, okay. Just math. He’s just teaching and I’m just doing math. That’s the exact relationship. It’s not… like that.” He held his nose bridge for a few seconds to calm down and glanced at Hyungwon before taking a glass and filling it with water. “And now we are going to my room, but we will need the bathroom.”

_What are you talking about, Hoseok? God._

“Because I'm going to dye his hair. His hair!” He pointed at Hyungwon’s Golden Retriever hair.

His mom just grinned like an idiot and he could do absolutely nothing to change it. “Let’s go Hyungwon. She really likes the flowers, look how she’s grinning for no reason.”

"I'm glad," his tutor replied after recovering from his confusion and the genuine smile was right back. "Please put them into water right away and cut off the ends, then they stay fresh for longer. It was nice meeting you, Mari."

One might have thought Hyungwon was doing this on purpose, but the expression on his face just looked like he meant it. The blonde man accepted the glass of water he had prepared before following him, discomfort reappearing only when his mother wasn't in sight.

"Is your mom always very welcoming or does that mean she thinks I'm a weirdo? Usually they don't hug me immediately."

_Now have fun explaining because he apparently didn’t get it._

Hoseok wasn’t sure whether it was good or bad and led the tall man down the hallway to his room. “She is usually very welcoming, but she was extra welcoming because of a tiny misunderstanding, but don’t worry. She was super happy about the flowers.”

"You mean because for some reason you only have attractive people over that don't even bother to introduce themselves? That's just plain rude." Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his hair before looking around Hoseok's bedroom. "You have a huge bed. Is this the bed you slept in as a child too?"

The level of dumbfoundedness rose with each word that came out of Hyungwon’s mouth and he simply stood there and shook his head because he couldn’t believe it.

“Are you joking? About everything? Or is it your way of playing along? I mean, fine, sure, uhm, no it’s not the bed I slept in as a child, I got it six months ago because I broke the other one.” Hoseok walked to the table and picked up the dye, unpacking it and reading the instruction briefly to not fuck up just in case.

"You… _broke_ it." Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow before chuckling and leaning against a wall instead of sitting down. "I only asked because I still have the single bed from back then in my parents' house. That's why it's interesting to see that yours looks like an actual college student is living here. I also have no idea what you mean by joking or playing along, but I'm definitely trying to adapt to how differently your family lives without seeming weird. My mother would have been disappointed by shoes in the hallway and no warning concerning the bathroom cause humans have needs and all."

_It must be so different for him._

“Let’s say my upbringing was very liberal, that’s why I don’t feel the need to leave yet. I can do what I like and I help my parents if they need anything, so it’s pretty symbiotic. I want to say that I don’t think that you’re weird, but you kind of are. I simply can’t figure you out and you confuse me, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be your fault. Maybe I’m constantly expecting something that doesn’t happen. Don’t worry, in this house people aren’t judged very much. They leave their shoes in the middle of the hallway, Jeezy licks his balls before licking other people’s faces and I open the door dressed in a towel. It’s better than not opening the door, you know?” Smiling briefly, he took the single components of the dye and glanced at Hyungwon.

_That white shirt won’t do._

"Thank you for saying all that, it means a lot. I don't talk about it often, but my family is pretty conservative, so starting college was a little bit of a shock to be honest." The blonde man smiled and brushed through his hair, obviously not quite used to talking about it. "For example your mom talks about you having people over, but my parents made sure I had a single bed for a reason. You know?"

_Holy fucking shit._

Chewing on his cheek to not let his immediate opinion about Hyungwon’s parents show, he smiled and pointed at his white wardrobe. “Two things: first, believe me, one can do so many things on a single bed, also without a bed, in the shower, or car, or on any possible surface, and second, your shirt is very white, so I will give you an old black one of mine if that’s okay. You said you didn’t feel comfortable being naked.”

"It's- okay if it's just us," Hyungwon replied quietly and smiled. "I kind of expected that I would have to take it off. I just don't like it at the swimming pool because people stare a lot."

"Oh, okay, sure, as you like. I just wanted to make sure not to force you. Let's go to the bathroom." Smiling once again and wondering why people would stare at the swimming pool, he brought a chair inside and locked the door, wiggling his eyebrows at Hyungwon for fun while turning the key.

His tutor chuckled before sitting down on the edge of the bathtub and looking a little fake concerned.

"Will I be murdered now? Jokes aside, don't you want to tell your mom so she can go to the bathroom before we occupy it? I don't know how long it takes, but it's probably nicer to let her know."

"Murdered? You wish. Nah, my mom can use the other toilet down the hallway." Hoseok placed everything on the floor next to the bathtub and started mixing the dye. "You can take your shirt off if you like. If you feel bad I can give you a towel too, it's black."

"Depends on whether it makes you uncomfortable or not," Hyungwon replied, attitude so different compared to the way he had acted at the swimming pool. The difference must have indeed been the fact that it was only the two of them and nobody else could enter whereas the shower and the pool had been public. The blonde man brushed through his hair once before lifting the bottom of his sweatshirt up and pulling it over his head with both hands. There was no other fabric below and it was difficult not to look, especially when Hoseok didn't know what he was supposed to be uncomfortable about.

He didn't have to stare for long as his eyes were immediately drawn to the long white line right along the middle of Hyungwon's chest, separating the two halves of his ribcage. It started right below the spot where his collarbones met and continued approximately to his solar plexus.

"Do you mind? I can wear a towel if you do," the blonde man remarked when he caught him staring.

"Because of your scar? It looks like heart surgery. Was it long ago? Are you okay now? Also, people who are minding it should be wearing the towel, not you." He stood up and walked towards the tall man, stopping a step from him and looking closely. He wanted to touch it. "Does it hurt? Or is it number?"

"Oh- it's-" Hyungwon seemed caught off guard by his sudden interest and glanced to the side, sweatshirt slipping from his hands onto the edge of the tub. "It was a long time ago, right after birth to be honest. I'm okay now, but it stayed obviously. I have check ups sometimes, but there's nothing worrisome. Thank you for asking, you're the first one who has."

His tutor licked his lips and lifted his right hand to his chest, index finger sliding along the white line. "I never thought about whether it's numb or not. I… don't really touch it usually."

"Can I touch it? I want to know how it feels." Hoseok looked up and lifted his hand, waiting for the blonde man to reply.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and the plump lips parted right after, evoking a dejavu that Hoseok couldn’t recognize immediately until his brain supplied him with the same expression paired with the blonde man sitting on his bed.

_Great._

"Why?" the low voice muttered finally as big brown eyes diverted their attention towards the bathtub instead of Hoseok's face. "But… if you want to."

Instead of replying, he reached for the top of the scar and placed the tips of his index and middle finger on the line, carefully travelling down the whole length of the scar before using only his index finger and going up again.

Hyungwon's breath hitched and Hoseok could see goosebumps spreading over the tall man's chest. Those brown eyes were still focused on the edge of the bathtub or the tiles, not looking up as Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and held his breath for a few seconds.

"I feel that," the low voice murmured as the blonde man's rather small and dark nipples hardened.

_Pretty._

"It's pretty," he said and closed his eyes next, repeating the motion of his fingers and taking in the smooth surface that stood out a bit compared to the healthy skin.

"What makes you think that?" Hyungwon spoke quietly, as if he was worried that it could be too loud with how close they were. "It's just a scar, a big one that catches your eye." A deep breath followed and Hoseok could feel the other man's chest rise and fall below his fingertips. "At least to other people. To me it's the reason I'm alive."

"That's why it's pretty." He opened his eyes right when he arrived at the top of the scar again and smiled. "And it feels nice too."

The blonde man had lifted his gaze from the bathtub and was watching him, big brown eyes focused on his face and widening briefly when he suddenly decided to open his own.

"Thank you," Hyungwon murmured and bit down on his bottom lip. "But… we wanted to dye my hair... right?"

"Right! I got distracted by your pretty scar, sorry." Hoseok smiled apologetically and was thankful that he didn't mix the two components yet. Pulling away hesitantly, he returned to his spot on the tiles and gestured for Hyungwon to sit on the chair as he mixed the dye.

His tutor nodded slowly and made his way towards the chair before visibly relaxing on top of it and throwing his head back, eyes closed. The way his chest rose and fell quickly looked like he was recovering from something, possibly the goosebumps that were still covering his chest and arms.

"Are you cold?" he asked, putting on the gloves and stepping behind Hyungwon, raking through his soft hair. "My hands are always cold so I can't help you, but I can give you a towel before I start."

"It's fine, I'm only being human. I'm sorry about that, especially since it's not your fault," the low voice remarked while Hyungwon kept his eyes closed. "Don't I need to wet my hair first, or is dry also okay?"

_He's being human?_

"Aren't we all… being human? It's also human to feel cold. Or do you need a hug? I'm always up for a hug for selfish reasons." He giggled and continued acting as if he had a reason to touch Hyungwon's hair more than necessary. "It said it's supposed to be dry."

"I think the hug will only make it worse," his tutor replied and chuckled before sighing and showing that there was a hint of truth in his words. "People don't usually want to touch my scar after seeing it, so I'm a little taken aback. But that's my reaction and not yours, so something that I have to deal with without confronting you with it."

_What's his problem?_

"Sounds utterly complicated. Then I'll start." He shook his head briefly and started applying dye on the blonde locks. "I miss touching your scar. I like how it feels."

"But why?" Hyungwon asked and sank deeper into the chair to make it easier for him.

"Why? Because it felt nice, so I want to touch it again. The goosebumps were also pretty, but I also liked it without looking. It just feels nice. Special."

The blonde man's eyes were closed, but he smiled suddenly as he placed his big hands on top of his thighs.

"It's special to me too."

"See? So I have a point." Chuckling, Hoseok worked himself through Hyungwon's thick hair and massaged the rest into the soaked strands carefully, making sure to spread it equally and without risking a spotty outcome. "Now you have thirty minutes of looking like a Chanel model with the sleazy hair."

"Amazing," Hyungwon commented with a laugh and sat up, grin remaining for a little longer. "The head massage also felt nice. Your hands are small but have strength. I'm glad that I agreed to let you help me. You definitely seem to know better than Changkyun."

"Changkyun only knows how to be pure." Hoseok laughed and took off the gloves, leaving them in the sink and setting a timer. "Don't say thank you before you've seen the outcome."

"I trust you. So far, you've only helped me, no matter how weird it was. The outcome was mostly welcome." Smiling, Hyungwon glanced at his own hands before giving an example. "Like you considering moaning at a wall 'hot', but in the end it's quiet at night."

"I told you it wasn't the moaning at the wall, but you don't listen. Fine, please feel free to ignore me. I'm thankful that you could sleep afterwards. The whole thing was worth it if you had your peace. If they start again just call me, I'll come up with something better." Hoseok dropped on the floor right across from Hyungwon to be able to see his pretty scar and the tiny nipples that looked awesome.

_So pretty._

"A real performer," his tutor teased and was just about to reach for his hair before he stopped himself in time. Both hands were returned to the slim thighs that Hyungwon kept spread for comfort. "What else could you have considered 'hot' except for your own sounds? There was nothing else around."

"I'm not going to solve your assignment for you, Hyungwon. The hearts have to be deserved." Leaning forward, he grabbed one of Hyungwon's palms and searched for the tiny heart that he drew the night before.

The blonde man's eyes widened before he muttered 'ouch' and glanced to the side. "I'm trying," he whispered and let his free hand brush over his chest absentmindedly.

"Did it hurt? I didn't hurt you, or did I?" His eyes widened involuntarily, and he carefully let go of the big hand. "Sorry."

Hyungwon lifted his gaze and stared at Hoseok's face before the brown eyes moved to the small blue heart on his hand and he seemed to understand something.

"Oh - I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I forgot about the heart you drew and thought you were telling me I'm not trying hard enough to deserve the heart that I received as a child. Kind of extreme, sorry, forget I said anything."

He just stared, unable to say anything as his brain seemed in shock that somebody would have interpreted his sentence that way. Inhaling deeply, he lifted on his knees and spread his arms. "Come here," he said, gaze focused on Hyungwon's big eyes.

"W-what? But my hair will ruin your clothes," the blonde man muttered and shifted on top of the chair, obviously lost. "I'm fine, there's just this idea that you should be decent if you get life as a gift, you know? So I'm trying to be decent. It's important to me."

Hoseok crawled closer and simply wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist, pulling him into a hug. "But it's like saying people who were born healthy can just continue being dicks and you have to be decent simply because you happened to be ill and got a new heart or whatever it was. It's bullshit. Anyways, I'm sorry for the heart joke, I didn't think about it and if I had two hearts I would give you my second one because you're adorable."

A big hand landed on his back, hot enough for Hoseok to feel it through the fabric of his shirt.

"You're a really nice person, Hoseok. I'm happy that I can help somebody like you, even if it's just math."

"I'm not a nice person, I'm just a person, but very kind of you to say something like that. I hope that you can smear some dye on my shirt because its from an ex and I really wanted to throw it away, but I thought getting dye on it is even better."

Hyungwon chuckled and patted his back, still careful with his hair despite the comment.

"Why didn't you just throw it away? Do you still feel attached to her?"

_Huh?_

He leaned back and lifted an eyebrow, glancing down at his shirt. It was size L, his mom talked about him being a hoe and Hyungwon was either extremely slow or lived under a rock.

"You hug like my dad and I'm not sure how I feel about that," he commented instead and moved back, glancing at the timer. "Almost time."

"How else do you expect me to hug? I'm trying to be comforting without covering you in dye or confronting you with too much of my naked chest. It's called being considerate." Smiling, Hyungwon shifted to sit more comfortably on the tiles after Hoseok had pulled him from the chair. "Why did you actually shower if you'll end up dirty anyway?"

"It's a secret. And the whole considerate business is meh and no fun. You're tall, so you can throw your head back and I'll wash it out. Or do you want to shower? You can do that too."

"No, it's fine. Your hands are pretty nice," his tutor remarked and seemed to regret the comment a little as he didn't look him in the eyes while making his way to the tub, leaning his back against it and throwing his head over the edge.

"You got it right. They are pretty nice. Let's do this." Kneeling on the floor, Hoseok made sure that the water was warm and started washing out the dye, before pouring some berry shampoo on his palms and spreading it in the soft hair. When he almost got a muscle cramp, he decided to get in a more comfortable position and threw one leg over Hyungwon's hips to be able to lean forward and massage the other man's head from the front.

"Jesus Christ," Hyungwon hissed and tensed briefly before quickly shutting his eyes and not moving a single centimeter.

"What about him? I just don't want to get a muscle cramp, okay? I'm trying to be professional about this." Hoseok tried his absolute best to pay attention to how he was massaging the shampoo into the other man's hair and scalp, how his fingers moved and whether Hyungwon looked satisfied. For all that the position was perfect.

"At least now I know why you always smell like berries," his tutor pointed out, but didn't open his eyes anymore. Hands struggled to find a place until they landed on Hoseok's thighs, burning hot despite his pants.

_If only you didn't like it so much._

"Are we playing the hide and seek game again? I'm starting to like it," he murmured and applied pressure to Hyungwon's temples, massaging them intensely.

"Not my fault that you are on my lap," the low voice replied as the warm palms slipped down to his knees but must have realized that it was uncomfortable and travelled back up again. A tremble seemed to accompany the motion, but Hoseok couldn't be sure.

"It's over your lap, not on your lap." Sitting down for three seconds and pushing his butt against Hyungwon's thighs, Hoseok grinned. "That's on your lap. There's a difference."

"Sweet Jesus," Hyungwon murmured before lifting his hands as if burned and shifting as soon as Hoseok lifted up again. "Please don't do this to me."

"Sorry, I wanted to correct your incorrect judgment about my position. I mean you would see if you looked. Isn't it way scarier if you close your eyes? I mean it's kind of kinky and probably intense, but…" He decided not to finish his sentence and give Hyungwon another minute of head massage for reasons that were entirely selfish.

"I meant creating associations, you're always doing that," the other man commented, but kept his eyes closed nevertheless, body relaxing because Hoseok was indeed good with his hands. "By closing my eyes I'm at least avoiding the visual ones, as you described."

"Hmm, maybe, but imagining myself in your position where you pretty much feel me hovering over you and my breathing and all of those things, isn't not looking more… intense? But that's just my impression. You relax so well when I press here." He pushed into the spot on the back of Hyungwon's head, probably tense from all the studying and explaining math to him for hours. "I want you to relax a lot. You are super tense."

"I'm trying," Hyungwon whispered and shifted again, but this time towards the touch of his hands. "I'm sorry, you're not doing anything wrong, I'm just being mean again for no reason. Your hands feel really nice, so I'm trying to be decent and not make sounds."

_Mean? What is he talking about?_

"That's okay. Please make sounds, it means that I'm doing it right. And you're not being mean, just sometimes a little slow." Hoseok took the other man's head into his one hand and pushed his fingers into his nape with the other.

A gasp left the plump lips that Hyungwon quickly contained by holding his breath. "Can't be good at math _and_ everything else," he remarked before a smile spread his lips. "That's why you are teaching me about the brain, isn't it?"

_You're curious about him._

"I will teach you something about my brain and then I'll wash out the shampoo. My brain loves associations, Hyungwon, that's true, but what my brain also loves is a paradox, things that don't make sense. If you don't want to undress, my brain wants to see you naked and understand why it's the way it is. You don't want to look at me, so I want to make you look. You talk about being mean, and I want to slap you to show you what being mean really is. You don't want to make sounds, I want to hear each of those sounds that you can make. All of them." Whispering his reply right into to Hyungwon's ear, he exhaled roughly and checked the water, carefully washing out the shampoo and rest of the dye.

Hyungwon didn't say a single word, merely breathing quicker than before while keeping his eyes shut. Only the other man's hands were still on Hoseok's thighs, applying a little more pressure than before and telling him that his tutor must have heard and understood what he just told him.

"Done. Now let's dry it and see what came out. It looks amazing already." He waited a few seconds because he liked the warmth against his thighs before he stood up and took a towel, carefully rubbing the water out of the pretty ash brown hair.

"So, your brain enjoys breaking people's convictions?" Hyungwon asked suddenly and opened his eyes, chest still rising and falling quickly while a few stray drops found their way down his neck and travelled along his scar.

_So pretty._

Hoseok shook his head before taking Hyungwon's palm and pulling the tall man back to his feet. "No. My brain wants to know what's behind it and it loves to see that it wasn't worth having a conviction for."

"But what if the person needs the conviction to stay sane?" Hyungwon gasped when Hoseok used more strength than necessary and the tall man ended up flush against him before quickly stepping back.

"Then it's my duty as neuroscientist to teach that person about other rule systems to understand that we are the ones making the convictions. You might have created a pathway in your brain that seems most safe because there is no other, but you can change it. That's the thing I love the most about us and about the brain. It's flexible and it's changing." Smiling briefly, he took the empty containers and turned the key again, wiggling his eyebrows. "You look as if you prefer to have been murdered instead."

Taking a deep breath, Hyungwon closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them and returning the smile from before, overplaying the breaths that were still filling his chest.

"That will depend on the outcome I guess. I meant it when I said that I trust you."

_Why would he trust you?_

"I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but I feel honored," he whispered back and left the bathroom that felt like a safe space that enabled him to say and do more of what he thought and to see and feel more of the person that followed him with shaky steps.

***

As soon as Hyungwon hurried down the stairs and felt the icy air on his face, turning his cheeks pink in a matter of seconds, he felt relieved for some reason.

_But why would you feel relieved? It's all your own reactions again._

It was Saturday, shortly before dinner, so not many people were hanging around in the neighborhood and most preferred to be in the city to finish up their weekend shopping or just relax in a cafe with friends. Hyungwon was grateful that he wouldn't meet anybody his parents knew well and made his way two streets over to his childhood home.

_Because he lives much closer to your parents than you thought._

Hyungwon hadn't thought that his parents and his student's parents would live in the same neighborhood, simply because they were so different.

_But why are you struggling so much? You're usually okay with different. That's the whole point of being a decent human._

Of course, Hoseok's family seemed more liberal than his own and also didn't care much about where they put their shoes, but most of the dorm students didn't even care about whether their urine actually hit the toilet, so that shouldn't have freaked him out. Hoseok's mother was friendly and happy about the tulips and even hugged him one more time when he left even though it was her first time meeting him.

_The problem isn't his family, it's him._

More specifically the problem was Hyungwon. He kept pushing the brunette away even though he hadn't done anything to deserve it. Hoseok was helping him by dyeing his hair and Hyungwon just muttered at him to stop acting the way he did. It was mean of him and he hated it.

The brunette did so many unexpected things that he couldn't keep up with at all and then he ended up reacting strangely or getting confused. But all that was his own responsibility.

_It's because he didn't mind your scar at all, no uncomfortable staring, just this strange fascination._

He shuddered at the memory of fingertips sliding along the white line on his chest and squeezed his cheeks to save them from the cold. Everything else had been perfectly fine and there was no reason to be feeling uncomfortable or building unnecessary associations. Hoseok was a touchy person which wasn't particularly new either, lots of people liked touching, especially at parties and Hyungwon wasn't living under a rock.

_Not anymore at least._

He sighed and brushed through his freshly dyed hair that smelled like a mixture of delicious berries and instantly made him think of his student again.

_Which is why it's your own problem and not his. He's just getting confused because you make no sense._

Hyungwon wasn't doing it on purpose, but obviously he wasn't particularly good at doing anything about it either. His problem was his judgement of situations. Things happened and he was human like everybody else, only that everybody else was fine with reacting to things whereas it freaked him out.

_Experience is the code word here._

Considering how easily Hoseok's mother talked about him having attractive people over and the fact that the brunette had managed to break a bed, Hyungwon concluded that Hoseok was experienced enough to consider most sexual situations meaningless. Like pointlessly moaning in his dorm room for example causing Hyungwon to avoid peak times in the kitchen to make sure he didn't meet his neighbor.

_You have to work on this. Be decent and don't blame your reactions on other people._

What if Hoseok always acted like that but Hyungwon reacted so strangely? Of course that must seem confusing to this student.

_Which brings you right back to what you should be doing, namely calling Sarah._

Sighing, Hyungwon unlocked the front door after a few attempts and chuckled when Bella didn't attack him instantly but seemed rather curious about the change of scent.

"You're smelling Jeezy, aren't you?" he asked with a smile and rubbed over Bella's ears, so preoccupied with giving all his love to the gorgeous dog that he didn't realize somebody was watching him from the door frame.

"Hi Hyungwon, I hope you don't mind," a soft female voice commented and Hyungwon instantly looked up to meet Sarah's green eyes and a bushy eyebrow that lifted in question. She looked just the way she had when they saw each other last time, long black hair loose on her shoulders and wearing a brown dress that covered her shoulders, elbows and knees. She wasn't wearing makeup as usual and Hyungwon liked that. "Your mom said I could join you for dinner today because you're not that busy. I like the new hair color, is it a mixture of silver and brown?"

"Yeah," he replied and brushed through the soft strands, scent of berries filling his nose all over. The description of his hair was spot on which meant Hoseok had done an amazing job, but Hyungwon felt awkward because he had no idea how one talked to somebody that one had avoided for over a month at this point. He'd been avoiding Sarah since the end of semester break where they had met the last time at Sarah's House. "Somebody that I tutor in math did it for me."

"Your mom told me about it, she's pretty good at keeping me informed." Sarah smiled and it didn't look like she was very angry. The slim girl brushed a strand of black hair behind her ear and joined him in stroking over Bella's fur, green eyes observing him instead. "Most people try to breathe during the semester, but you always fill your days as if you'll go mad if you have more than two seconds to think. Is it because you went to the state University?"

It sounded like a joke, but as most jokes it had a grain of truth in it. Sarah was attending a private university since her parents were concerned about bad influences and what not and she must have been expecting Hyungwon to sit in his room and attempt to fight off indecent people.

"I doubt it, I just like to help," he muttered and finally stood up to take off his coat and slipped his shoes into the designated space. It gave him a sense of routine even if having Sarah there didn't.

_But you grew up next to each other. Since when doesn't she fit in?_

"Hyungwon," Sarah murmured as he kept staring at his hands and he felt another spark of guilt that made him look up and meet her gaze. "It's okay. We were both being a little stupid, which is fine, so let's just forget about it, okay?"

_She didn't do anything, it was you, but she's trying to take the blame._

Hyungwon didn't know what to say, but the black-haired woman didn't seem to expect an answer from him. A small hand reached for his and Sarah squeezed it once before pulling him along towards the dining room where his parents had been waiting for them. His mother smiled as soon as her eyes fell on their intertwined hands and she happily began asking Sarah about her studies.

It almost felt like routine.

Hyungwon sat down and stared at his plate with a perfect mix of meat, extras and vegetables, wondering at what point everything had started moving astray.

_Maybe it's not about being stupid._

Maybe it was just the expectations that he couldn't fulfil.

_

Sighing, Hyungwon turned on his single bed and ignored the loud screeching that followed. His attention was devoted to the other side of the wall, out of pure curiosity because he had heard that his neighbor had a visitor and he genuinely hoped that they were going to get drunk or watch a movie.

_Maybe he's still freaked out and won't even try._

Hyungwon still had hope, but it would have been better if he didn't care about what happened on the other side of the wall. It was a Monday evening and he planned on swimming early next morning, which meant that he needed every hour of sleep he could get.

_So stop listening, it's rude._

Groaning, he covered his head with the blanket and caused another concert of screeching. Most people tried to count sheep, but that didn't keep him busy, so he tried it with equations that had the same solution.

When he managed to find the twenty second alternative there was a knock at his door, in the middle of the night. For what felt like five seconds, he thought he had imagined it, coming up with associations like somebody coming and saving him from whatever his neighbour was planning.

_You're ridiculous._

In general, nightly visits wouldn't be surprising for a college student, but Hyungwon didn't really fit the typical idea of a college student. Most considered him nerdy or too nice which were both okay and didn't keep him from getting enough sleep at night.

_It can't be Changkyun, he's at that party you decided not to go to._

Hyungwon got up and fixed his pajama pants and his shirt that hung a little low on his shoulders. At first he thought it could be a drunk neighbor that mixed up the doors, but there were no attempts to stuff in a key. The person that knocked on his door waited in place as he removed the chain lock and finally opened the room door.

There was a red winter hat that immediately caught his attention, especially combined with the very pale skin that his eyes looked at next before recognizing his math student who for some reason was carrying a white chair.

“Hi. It’s a little late, but I was busy until now and pure Changkyun said that you’re home today, so I thought I’d drop it off.”

_Are you dreaming or something?_

Hyungwon held onto the door and let the nail of his thumb bury itself in his index finger to check for himself if he was just having a bad dream about what happened before. The timing was strange, but the brief pain told him that he was wide awake and Hoseok was indeed at his dorm room at 11 pm with a chair.

"Why… are you carrying a chair?" he asked and instantly massaged his temples, worried that he was going to pop a vein from all the confusion.

_Is it normal to see somebody that often?_

“It’s your chair. Can I come in?” Hoseok asked and pursed his curved lips. The expression made him look like a baby with that red hat and the white scarf reaching right up to his lips.

_He's probably freezing and you're keeping him outside your door._

"I'm sorry! You must be cold," Hyungwon muttered and stepped aside before pulling Hoseok into the tiny sink area. He hadn't bothered to turn on the light, but there was a lamp not far from his window, so one could see enough to identify limbs and the fact that Hoseok was still carrying a chair.

_Maybe he is confused?_

"Is it the chair I sat on when you dyed my hair? Did it get dirty and you want me to clean it?" he asked, because that was the only thing that made sense to him. Why else would Hoseok bring along a chair? "How cold are you? I can turn up the heating and maybe make you a warm cup of tea if you have a minute to spare."

_You're talking so much. Are you grateful for the distraction?_

To be honest, he was. He hated lying around in bed while worrying whether he would be able to sleep. He also hated it when he couldn't help but listen to the noises on the other side, dreading what might be happening next.

"I bought it for you, it was plain, slim and pure and reminded me of you. Why would I bring my chair to your dorm for you to clean it? Do you think I'm an asshole, Hyungwon?" Hoseok lifted an eyebrow and walked into his room, slipping out of his loose Timberlands and sitting on the white chair while taking his jacket and the scarf off, followed by the pretty hat and revealing his messy wet hair.

"I don't think that you're an asshole, I'm sorry. I just couldn't think of any other reason for you to bring me a chair," he replied and brushed through his hair before looking into his wardrobe and finding a simple towel. "Here, for your hair. Be careful not to catch a cold when you go out with wet hair, especially if you freeze easily."

Glancing around once more, he turned up the heating just in case before sitting down on his bed and not really knowing what to do with himself.

_He said he bought you a chair._

"I don't freeze, my hands freeze, and that's why I'm wearing a hat because mom told me that I'm stupid to go out and forced me to wear it and now my hair is a mess. I'll never listen to her again." Hoseok stood up and removed the old chair from his desk before placing the new white one there, smiling in satisfaction. "Good."

There was something childish about the brunette, especially when he smiled in happiness or talked about not wanting to listen to his mother.

Leaning back on his arms, Hyungwon chuckled and examined the white chair that Hoseok had brought. It looked really nice, but he still didn't understand why he got it in the first place.

"You should listen to your mom, Hoseok, but if you want to I can blow-dry your hair," he began to make sure his student had an alternative to getting angry at his mom for no reason. It was a little funny. "But why did you buy me a chair? It's admittedly a little weird."

"You are the weird one for not taking money for work. Don't worry, on my list of people to never listen to you're right after my mom, Hyungwon. Yes, please blow-dry my hair." Hoseok threw his head back so far that the other man's face was upside down and he could look at him and grin.

"I-okay," he stuttered, a little surprised by the sudden agreement. It was just an option and to be honest, he hadn't really expected Hoseok to say yes. Wasn't it weird to get one's hair blow dried? Hyungwon wasn't an expert or anything.

_Which is why one never offers things that one doesn't plan on doing._

"But I do think it's unfair that you consider me somebody to never listen to. You seem pretty obedient when it's about math," he muttered and took out his blow dryer from under the bed before connecting it to one of the few plugs under the desk. Hoseok was positioned decently, so he simply stood behind the brunette while trying to keep enough distance between his pyjama pants and Hoseok's face. That was slightly awkward.

"Should I be a good boy? Then you will need to tame me." Chuckling lowly, Hoseok returned to a decent position, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Why his student was wearing a t-shirt under a thick jacket was a mystery.

"You should always be a good boy. Aren't you cold?" Hyungwon asked once more and turned on the hairdryer, making it more difficult to understand what Hoseok was saying and maybe even disturbing his neighbors a little. It wasn't nice of him, but he was also a little desperate.

Using the fingers of his left hand, he lifted the soft brown hair at the top of Hoseok's head up to dry it, raking through it to give it volume. Hoseok was lucky because he had an undercut and there wasn't all that much to dry.

Suddenly he felt an ice-cold sensation around his thigh as Hoseok decided to demonstrate how cold his hands were by wrapping his fingers around his leg.

He jerked in shock, gasping and almost dropping the hairdryer. Luckily, his reactions were better than that and Hyungwon managed to stay in place and didn't drop the heavy device on Hoseok's head.

"You shocked me," he muttered and dried the short hair at Hoseok's sides briefly. "Why would you wear a t-shirt in winter? Of course, your hands are like icicles."

"Bullshit. My jacket is warm, it's just my hands, they're always cold. Nice legs." The cold fingers squeezed once and let go before Hoseok crossed his arms again.

"I swim, so they better be nice. I'm proud of my legs," he pointed out before realizing that he was talking to somebody who mostly consisted of muscles. "I mean- they aren't super thick or anything, but lean, which is what I'm going for."

"I dig it, but my scalp is burning. Is it on purpose?" his student pointed out, lifting his hand and making him realize that he didn't move the dryer, keeping it on one spot.

"Crap, I'm sorry," he mumbled, pulling it away and resuming his efforts of drying the longer hair on top of Hoseok's head. "I got distracted."

Hyungwon could still feel the spot where Hoseok had grabbed his leg, realizing that while his student was feeling cold, he kept overheating for no reason.

"You should warm up your hands and I should cool down a little I think," he muttered and raked through the soft strands a few more times until he decided that it was definitely enough. This whole situation was already weird enough without him drying his student's hair.

A glance at the brown strands that stood in contrast to Hoseok's usually pale skin, Hyungwon's eyes widened as they settled on the other man's bright red ears.

_Jesus Christ, did you burn him?_

Hyungwon placed the dryer on the table and reached out to brush over the red skin, careful in case it was really burned.

"Are you okay? Your ears are so red, is it because I got distracted?" he asked quietly and wondered about what he could do apart from asking Hoseok to hold his own hands to his ears.

"Nah. It's because I got distracted, don't worry. You should warm me up because I'm a guest." The muscular man stood up and walked to the bed, laying on his arms and throwing his head back. "Does it always make those sounds? Isn't it worse than the inconsiderate fucking from your neighbor?"

Hyungwon smiled at that and unplugged the hair dryer and put it back under the bed, fumbling next to Hoseok's calves, but pretending that he wasn't.

_Why is this so awkward? He's just a guy._

"Not really, because the screeching doesn't mean anything and if I don't move then it doesn't happen. But those two on the other hand," he gestured towards the wall, "they are unpredictable, and I never know whether they will only watch a movie and get drunk or they will decide to get to know each other from the inside."

Unsure where to sit himself after Hoseok occupied the bed, he leaned against the wall right next to it and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"How do you want me to warm you up then, guest? Want to get under the blanket? It might smell like me though."

"Why are you standing there? Am I contagious? Just tell me to go, I can take it." The round black eyes focused on him when Hoseok lifted his head.

_You're being rude again, making him feel like he's not welcome._

"I- don't want you to go at all. I'm sorry, I must be weird again." Hyungwon sighed at himself and brushed through his hair before lifting his gaze to Hoseok's face. They still hadn't turned on the light and the brunette looked rather nice with just a few shadows on his face and neck, like in a movie. "I usually sit on the bed, but I don't know how much space you like, so I stayed here just in case. I'm actually grateful that you came because I was lying in bed and trying hard not to listen to conversations on the other side. I don't know what it's called, but this thing our brains do when we’ve experienced something a lot of times. I hear them talk and I already dread what's going to come next, because it always comes."

_You're also a little overwhelmed by his cold hands and the fact that he came all the way to give you a present, just like that._

Maybe it was also his own reactions, but those were just human, weren't they?

"Expectations? Yeah, they're scary, right? It must be terribly annoying. I sat on your lap yesterday, it was for three seconds but I did, so you can expect that I don't care much about personal space usually. It's your bed too, so I'm the one who should be melting into the wall because you're uncomfortable. I won't and I hope that you can overcome it." Hoseok shifted and patted the blanket next to him.

_Why are you always making such a big deal out of everything?_

"Sorry, you're right," he commented and climbed on top of the bed, ignoring the screeching and sitting down cross-legged on the spot Hoseok indicated. "I'm supposed to be the grown up here."

Hyungwon had no reason to make everything this complicated. Nothing was really happening and most people were halfway on top of each other without it meaning anything. What exactly was he afraid of? That Hoseok was going to eat him?

_That he'll get disappointed and leave. That's it, isn't it?_

Grinning, he held out his hands. "Give me your icicles, guest, I'll warm them up."

"I dig this symbiotic relationship." Finally, the smile that Hyungwon liked appeared on the pale face and the brunette stretched out his equally pale but cold hands. He made sure to grasp them immediately and rested their intertwined hands on top of his thighs.

_He has such an innocent smile._

"Do you only hang out with people you have symbiotic relationships with? You said the same about your parents." Hyungwon chuckled and contained the urge to ruffle up Hoseok's soft hair. "I really like your smile. I wasn't joking when I said it's the best reward."

"You do think that I'm an asshole, don't you?" The pale face leaned closer and looked suspicious of him.

"It was just a joke," he muttered, voice suddenly quiet because of how close Hoseok's face was to his own. Maybe he should have turned on the light after all. Why were they sitting in the dark, wasn't that weird? "I think that you are very sweet and easy going and I'm simply not used to it, so I keep freaking out. It's not your fault at all. Everybody else would probably be all chill, but I'm behind on seeing the real world. Like a person living in a closet, you know? You need me for math and I might need you to make sense of things and stop me from getting so freaked out."

_Only that in one way or another you chose this yourself._

"I'll simply assume that you just said that without knowing what that means to not confuse myself further. I'm having a hard time drawing the line between wanting to provoke you and making sure to not do anything you really hate," Hoseok whispered and leaned back staring at the wall that connected the rooms and where the student had performed his moaning concerto a few days before.

Hyungwon stared back and hated his brain for remembering it so well. Wasn't there a way to save other memories on top of old ones like with CDs? He really wished there was, so he could stop thinking about it. He had seen enough of Hoseok to last him a life time and every situation was associated with some reaction of his.

His student had a broad neck and he examined it, even though that was rude. He also stared at the muscular body that filled out the t-shirt and wondered if he was doing it because it was dark and felt less like he would get caught.

_Curiosity killed the cat, Hyungwon._

"You're not doing anything I hate," he muttered and stared up at the ceiling because it was a little safer. Hoseok's hands were still cold even though Hyungwon was holding them and rubbing his thumb over the soft skin. "You only confuse me sometimes and give me associations I'm not really equipped for."

_You're just so scared of reacting inappropriately._

"What kind of association am I giving you?" Hoseok pulled his hands back and simply threw himself on top of his lap, black eyes staring at him from between his thighs and pale hands lifted for him to take them again.

Hyungwon swallowed, feeling his heart speed up in his ribcage, carefully reaching out to wrap his fingers around Hoseok's cold ones. They didn't feel as icy anymore, but still couldn't compare to the heat of his own. The same heat was developing in his thighs and stomach, as if Hoseok was causing it with his presence alone.

_This is exactly what you mean._

"Well, I'm… supposed to teach you math, right?" he whispered and swallowed once more, suddenly thirsty for a glass of water. "I shouldn't be thinking about what a good swimmer you are or how well you can act out an orgasm."

_Now he must think you're crazy for being so concerned about something that other people do in middle school._

"Right now you're not supposed to teach me math, unless it's a badly chosen metaphor for something exciting." Hoseok grinned and rubbed his head against his groin, eyes not leaving his face. "I like the way you're thinking."

Hyungwon's lips parted in a silent gasp and he regretted that he never wore underwear underneath his pajama pants. This was a little too close, wasn't it?

_This can't be normal, not even for others._

His heart was so loud in his ears that for a moment he worried about whether it was biological and not related to his thoughts and the situation. But the way his breaths hitched each time Hoseok shifted and his heart joined in, told him that it had to be exactly this, the proximity and his lack of knowledge on how to act like everybody else did.

"Did you like how I can act out an orgasm? But I don't grin when I orgasm. At least not frequently. The visual association wasn't there," Hoseok commented and took his hand out of his hold and reached for his face. "Wow, somebody is burning, huh? You can heat up five of my kind with your body heat."

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and held his breath, focusing his gaze anywhere but on Hoseok's face to be as nonchalant while answering as his student apparently was. Those cold fingers felt really good on his cheek, like they were able to calm some of the heat that spread through his body.

"Let's say… that I've never seen anybody act out an orgasm and you were very detailed about it," he whispered until he realized that whispering was a tell tale sign that he wasn't as calm as he wanted to be. He cleared his throat and licked his lips quickly before meeting Hoseok's gaze. His ribcage was shaking from the force of his heartbeat and slowly he started thinking that having Hoseok on his lap was not a good idea. "My blood circulation is… pretty good. I guess they gifted me a really good heart."

_Why the hell didn't you turn on the light? Your head must be drawing the wrong conclusions._

"Your… blood circulation? I see," Hoseok replied with a playful smile and lifted one eyebrow, still staring at his face. "I wasn't detailed believe me, but I did try hard, that is true." A few seconds passed before the cold finger poked his stomach right where his navel was. "Are you uncomfortable, Hyungwon?"

_You're scared, aren't you?_

He inhaled sharply, lungs burning and telling him that he had been holding his breath all this time.

"I just don't know if having your head there is particularly comfortable," he muttered and shifted in the hope that his body would get distracted and wouldn't betray him. The darkness, the whispers and the cold hands were providing the wrong context. "Don't you want to lie on something… soft?"

"Something soft? Like?" The grin stayed on Hoseok's pale face as his student licked his lips, biting down on the bottom one and stretching his body on top of him. Hyungwon's eyes must have had a mind of their own as they passed over the brunette's chest and identified the two bumps at which Hoseok's nipples lifted the fabric.

"A pillow?" he tried and shifted immediately because the blood seemed to have chosen a better place to go than his face and that was bad.

_He isn't even doing anything, Hyungwon. It's all you._

The same method he used before came to his mind and he furiously tried to solve equations while holding onto the sheets like they were able to save him from embarrassing himself.

"But I think you're way better than a pillow, really cozy and warm. Especially warm." Folding both hands on his muscular chest, Hoseok caught his gaze once again and smiled prettily. "Do you want me to go away, Hyungwon?"

Hyungwon didn't know, he just wanted it to stop being embarrassing and for his head to get a grip and stop making mistakes in equations he thought up himself, because that meant he was really losing his mind.

"I fear it'll stop being cozy very soon, Hoseok," he muttered and sucked air through his lips to hold it in his lungs and hopefully cheat his heart that there was no need for pumping his blood so quickly.

"Why does it sound as if you're worried about my comfort? Don't worry, I haven't died from lying on top of a boner yet and I don't think I will anytime soon. But I can of course go away if you explicitly tell me to," Hoseok replied, making it sound lower and quieter than usual as if on purpose and kept moving his head as if it was necessary for talking.

_Shit._

"Sweet Jesus," Hyungwon hissed and panicked, pushing Hoseok the few centimeters off his lap and taking a deep breath. He felt like fainting from holding the air in his lungs all this time and leaned on one of his arms, eyes fluttering shut to recover and get a grip. He was being rude again after Hoseok told him that he wasn't blaming him at all, but it just got too much. He couldn't sit there, get aroused for no reason while having his male student rub his head all over his lap. That's not how things were supposed to work. They should have talked about movies, parties, university or Hoseok's love interests if he really wanted to. Anything.

His student sat up, crossing his legs and leaned against the wall. The other man wasn't saying anything and just observed him with his half-lidded eyes and slightly wavy brown hair that rubbed against the dirty wall.

"I'm sorry," he muttered and brushed through his hair, realizing that it was a little wet from sweat that had developed on his forehead. "That was super rude. I just panicked and felt like fainting. I'll be fine. Did I hurt you?"

He licked his lips and reached out for Hoseok's right hand to squeeze it once, hoping that it showed he meant it. Instead of accepting his apology, the strength with which Hoseok pulled him over almost gave him a heart attack. The black eyes stared at him while his students’ cold fingers wrapped around his wrist and pulled his hand towards the broad neck, pressing his fingertips against the thick jugular vein on his neck, feeling the quick and strong heartbeat pump against his fingers.

Hyungwon gasped, eyes widening and body freezing in surprise as the rapid beats continued vibrating against the tips of his index and middle finger.

_He's excited too, that's what he's showing you._

Hyungwon swallowed, but this time because something felt off about the situation, like he was having a realization that shouldn't have been shared in the first place. They were both human and reacted, but what were they reacting to? Why was he feeling like his body burned like a flame even though he was simply sitting in the dark with his student. There was no reason to feel that way, none that justified it.

_None that properly justifies it._

"See? Don't worry. You have no reason to panic and no reason to apologize to me either. I hope that you like your chair." Smiling beautifully, Hoseok slipped down and ruffled up his hair, glancing at him hesitantly. "I think I understand now that you're too nice to tell somebody to leave, but it's not a good quality, people will use it, so please try to tell them to fuck off to have peace of mind."

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek, thinking about how to tell Hoseok that this wasn't it at all. He didn't mind the other man's presence, he just didn't know how to deal with it.

"Just because I end up feeling this way, it doesn't mean that I want you to leave," he murmured and brushed through his bangs again, using the motion to hide his burning face. "I'm really thankful for the chair, Hoseok. I'm even more thankful that you reacted that way to my scar. I didn't tell you, but that made me really happy."

"I miss touching your scar. It's so pretty," the low voice replied. "You really are too nice and very obviously uncomfortable next to me, but the only way I can react to that is by leaving. I don't want you to feel bad and to try to come up with weird excuses and then feel even worse just to apologize, closing the cycle of shit." Hoseok sighed, looking sad. It was the first time that he saw the dark eyes look that way. "I'm really sorry for provoking you."

Hyungwon lifted his gaze, still sitting on the screeching bed and realizing that he was much better at predicting situations than he thought. He had been convinced that by having extreme reactions and freaking out, he was going to scare Hoseok off in the end. Here he was, doing exactly that as Hoseok apologized for acting the way he always did and concluded that he had to leave for Hyungwon to be okay.

"You don't get it," he muttered and groaned before throwing his body back and leaning against the wall as the bed screeched one more time. "If I wanted you to leave or stay away or whatever you are concluding I wouldn't have bothered coming to you to get my hair dyed and I wouldn't have agreed to teach you that often. Yes, I like helping people, but I'm no martyr. I'm trying to work on this and I know that it seems like I'm telling you to leave, but how am I supposed to change it if people end up leaving in the end?"

A few seconds passed without anything happening before Hoseok walked back and crawled on top of him, brown hair hanging over his face as his student caught his gaze and could probably see his terrified face. "Then let's get some awareness. Turn off every filter you have about what's appropriate or not, what you should or should not be saying, what is okay to be scared of or what's not okay in your opinion. Just turn everything off and tell me what your brain is thinking. What does it tell you? What kind of associations, pathways does it lead you to? Tell me."

"I-" Hyungwon stuttered and found himself grabbing the sheets so tightly that his knuckles hurt. He could feel Hoseok's thighs brushing against his own and each breath that left the other man's lips seemed to keep its temperature, only to caress the skin of his neck. It was too much, all of it, and far from appropriate, but he didn't say anything. He didn't even dare to breathe as his eyes seemed to suck up everything around him and his heart pumped blood through his body.

_How could you just turn everything off? Letting the mind wander is dangerous, it has no control._

There were so many thoughts in his head, none of which he wanted to define or speak out loud. They were just thoughts, like stupid ideas that people chuckled about before abandoning them. None of them were worth saying out loud, none apart from one that kept circulating at the back of his head and had something to hold on, a truth that Hyungwon knew.

_Because you know that he wants it._

Biting down on his bottom lip, Hyungwon tightened his grip on the sheets to remain composed, to be like everybody else when they spoke of something intimate. He should have been able to do this like anybody else.

"I-" he started again and swallowed as heat burned in his cheeks and seemed to return to his abdomen.

"I would like you to touch my scar, Hoseok."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 26th of February at 2 PM CET.  
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CHAPTER 4

_Why are you doing this to yourself, Hoseok?_

He stared at the slim body on the bed, thinking about how hard Hyungwon was trying to act as if the whole situation resulted from his own weirdness and not something else entirely.

_He reacts to you. He reacts to you so easily._

That might have been the answer to his question. He really didn’t want to do it to himself, hanging around with somebody that he found quite interesting in a way but not being able to do anything without creating a whole drama in three parts with major character death out of it.

_This is so tiring, why?_

_Because he thinks that you’re hot. He thinks that you’re fucking hot and he shows it with every braincell that is not under the control of his closeted mind._

He could feel the slim thighs contract under him as he settled on top of the narrow hips and pinned the handsome man to the terribly screeching bed. Hoseok saw how quickly his chest rose and fell, how frequently his thick lips parted to release air and how his eyes, so wide, couldn’t decide where to look, what part of his face and body to focus on.

_He is restricting himself like a slave, tying his limbs and saying that he needs it to stay sane. Bullshit._

Hoseok wanted to see the look in the big brown eyes when his math tutor thought about something his restrictions couldn’t reach. There was so much going on and he leaned in closer to watch how the look changed and Hyungwon’s gaze jumped from his face to the ceiling, before returning to his eyes, visibly contemplating.

_But you told him not to contemplate. You told him to turn it all off._

Focusing on his face, Hyungwon fisted the blanket as if it was going to help him with anything, before whispering that he wanted him to touch his scar again.

_Did he say it because you told him that you wanted to?_

Hoseok inspected every single motion on the handsome face, the sharp exhale and the trembling lips, how the eyes started jumping again, hesitation visible and how the slim body tensed under him.

_Why does this turn you on? That’s not the usual stuff that gets you going._

“Then let me touch it,” he replied, not moving a single bit and letting his hair tickle Hyungwon’s forehead while observing him intently. “You want me to touch it, so I can, right?”

The man under him swallowed, eyes restless like they couldn't decide where to look. A slow nod followed as Hyungwon finally let go of the sheets he had been gripping so tightly and let his hands travel to his own chest. The long fingers were shaking as they reached the first button of the pajama top and opened it carefully, already revealing the beginning of the white line that started right below Hyungwon's collarbones.

_He’s so nervous, why would you torture him, Hoseok? You can open buttons with your tongue._

“Let me do it.” He propped himself up on one arm and reached for the buttons on Hyungwon’s pajamas with his free hand, skillfully opening all of them in under ten seconds with only three fingers. Damn, he was too good for his own good.

His reward were wide eyes and a hiss that sounded like it involved Jesus again as Hyungwon glanced to the side and chewed on his bottom lip.

"You're skilled," the low voice muttered eventually when Hyungwon seemed to convince himself to meet his gaze again. "We can… turn on the light if it's too dark. I- I don't know why I kept it off."

“No, I like the darkness. That way you can’t see what I’m thinking. I mean, not that you are able to recognize it very well even when the sun is shining right into my face, but I like it better,” he whispered and smiled playfully because that was his personality. He was playful and flirty and usually did all kinds of hot shit. Stuff that didn’t involve touching other people's scars in the dark in a very timid and constricted way at least. The only thing that was to his liking was the position because he could feel Hyungwon’s hips under him and liked the way the handsome man looked at him.

"Alright, it's… also easier in the dark because I don't need to be concerned about the way it looks," the low voice murmured in reply and Hoseok felt hot fingers brush through his hair briefly, surprising him after how immobile Hyungwon had been all this time. The heat travelled from his hair to his shoulder and finally his upper arm, staying there. "You seem to like teasing me."

“Oh, this is nothing, I’m so incredibly timid and considerate I can’t even recognize myself right now,” Hoseok whispered in reply, leaning in closer on purpose, before reaching for the beginning of Hyungwon’s scar and letting his fingers run over the line accompanied by a hiss.

_He is so warm._

Despite obviously reacting to the touch by squeezing his arm involuntarily, Hyungwon smiled. "That's because you're genuinely nice and affectionate, Hoseok, even if you don't think that way. I can see it when you feel happy."

_Why is he like this?_

“Thank you for making me feel like you’re giving up your body and soul for me to touch your scar and be selfishly happy.” Hoseok sighed and let himself fall to the side, right next to Hyungwon, but kept his fingers on the scar and stroked over the whole length before letting his fingers draw horizontal lines over it.

"I'm not sacrificing anything, I'm gaining," the handsome man whispered and reached out to carefully place his hand on top of Hoseok's. He wasn't leading it anywhere, but merely let the heat seep in all the way to his fingertips. "Most people avoid a scar while touching because they think it might hurt or because one doesn't want to be reminded that it's there. It's the opposite for me, because it matters. I… like how it feels."

“I like it too, it’s special and interesting.” Hoseok experimented with his touches traveling in different directions from the scar, drawing a helix around it and closing his eyes to feel how the smooth skin felt against his fingertips. “Thank you for letting me touch it.”

Hyungwon hummed and relaxed further against the wall and mattress, making the bed screech. His touches must have been feeling good, but not enough to make the other man nervous like before. Hoseok could tell his breaths stayed irregular, but the lean muscles weren't as tense anymore.

"You rarely talk about yourself," the low voice whispered suddenly as Hyungwon slipped a little lower along the wall to be lying on the mattress. "What matters to you, Hoseok?"

_What matters to you?_

“The brain. I love neuroscience and I love what we can do with this network of neurons, I love how flexible it is and I love how different people are in using their potential or not using it. I’m convinced that we can change everything, from the way we react to the way we think or live. It’s so interesting to me why somebody chooses one path instead of another. Does that make sense? I also think it’s awesome how the same situation can result in a different perception, or the same one. Like now. I was thinking about something and then you told me something that was entirely different from what I felt, so my brain got confused.” He was babbling, fingers not listening and brushing over the tiny nipples by accident.

_This is not the scar, Hoseok._

Hyungwon hissed, stomach muscles flexing in response, but he didn't say anything to that, merely taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. Now Hoseok had to deal with the additional information that his tutor was sensitive.

"I… think it makes sense. Does that mean you find people fascinating, the way they think and act because their brain is responsible? And what do you mean by changing the way we think? That seems so difficult to me, like calculating something differently even though one has learned it a particular way." The slim man used his fingers to travel from the back of Hoseok's hands to his upper arm again, stroking along the skin like he enjoyed the way it felt, but didn't want to apply too much pressure. "What did you think of before I changed your train of thought?"

“The usual. I wanted to tease you, but you talked about how nice I am. I’m not nice but I’m not an asshole either. I’m just me. You’re pretty sensitive, aren’t you?” He acted as if it was a normal question to ask his math tutor while stroking over his chest and shifted a little closer because he liked the way Hyungwon smelled.

"You could also just admit that you are nice," Hyungwon replied with a chuckle before shifting a little and bending his left leg, tongue instantly wetting his lips. "Just like I can admit that it seems like I'm sensitive. But I thought you figured that out when you touched me for the first time."

“I assumed that you were sensitive when you sat on your bed and blushed while I moaned my heart out.” Smiling to himself, Hoseok inhaled deeply and hummed because he really liked the scent.

Even though Hyungwon had been quick to reply he quieted down this time, sucking his lips into his mouth and glancing to the side. He must have been embarrassed because it was the truth.

"I… didn't expect you to and- you were being so specific and loud, knowing exactly what to say while I had no idea how to answer your questions."

“You don’t need to feel bad about it. You’re so lucky! Being sensitive is all kinds of awesome, you can have so much fun!” He held himself back from simply burying his nose in Hyungwon’s neck and continued aimlessly stroking over the area with the scar, liking the edges and that it wasn’t perfect.

"You're really sweet," the low voice murmured close to his ear as Hyungwon's fingers travelled up to his hair and began to stroke over it. It felt really nice and calming, motion regular and without too much pressure. "Thank you for staying, Hoseok."

“Thank you for not telling me to leave,” he murmured, feeling so tired all of a sudden but unwilling to move away from the hot body, so he simply buried his nose in the hot neck and concentrated on the sensation of Hyungwon’s hand in his hair, fingers resting on top of the scar that felt warm too. The sensations enveloped him in a comfort that he didn’t know existed until his perceptions faded out one after another.

_

The horrendous sound of something that reminded him of a terrible church song suddenly entered his consciousness, making him shift and rub against the person that he curled around to sleep. “Really man?” he muttered and wrapped himself tighter, throwing one leg over the person’s hips and grinning to himself at the obvious arousal he could feel with his thigh. He really loved the smell, so he listened to the terrible song and rubbed his nose against the soft skin with the intoxicating scent.

The guy in his arms shifted, but obviously didn't have enough strength to free himself which fit to the lean thighs and slim waist that Hoseok could feel. The only weird thing were the clothes that stuck to his skin and didn't let him feel the smooth body properly with the exception of an uncovered chest. When he moved his thigh again, the guy gasped and froze in place.

_Why are you dressed? Were you drunk? What were you doing?_

"Holy mother of God, please," a low voice muttered next to his ear as the guy tried to free himself enough to lean over him and finally managed to turn off the terrible noise.

“Mhm?” he hummed and sucked in another breath like a creep. “Please what?” he whispered, lips spreading in a grin.

A shaky breath was his reply as the slim guy in his arms gave up on struggling as soon as he managed to turn off the alarm and threw himself back on the mattress, making it screech like a dying animal. Apparently only part of the terrible song was an alarm as part of the noise stayed each time he or the guy next to him moved.

"Hoseok?" the low voice murmured into his ear before rounds hips shifted under his thigh.

“Mhm?” he hummed and tried to recall the guy’s name. Low voice, slim body, screeching bed…

_You were at Hyungwon’s place. You fell asleep, didn’t you?_

Well, that was awkward. Opening one eye, he inhaled but kept his leg in place to not do more damage.

His tutor was lying next to him, eyes wide and staring at him as white teeth settled on an unusually thick bottom lip that was swollen after a night's sleep. Hyungwon's top was still unbuttoned and hung low on both of his shoulders and a very obvious blush covered his cheeks which might have been Hoseok's fault.

_You probably look the same because you curled around him in all kinds of ways that felt nice._

“You look awesome,” he muttered truthfully, swallowing once.

"I somehow thought sleepovers end with people drooling all over each other or something," Hyungwon mumbled and ruffled up his ash-brown hair, making it even messier and not helping him to hide the blush that travelled down to his naked chest. It wasn't even bright yet, which meant Hyungwon woke up ridiculously early.

"You must be feeling hot, Hoseok," his tutor added and pointed at his shirt that did indeed feel a little damp. It was a nice attempt to distract until Hoseok glanced down and saw that an obvious erection was pushing against the thin fabric of Hyungwon's pajama pants. The blanket was pooled at their feet, probably abandoned when they felt too hot at night.

_Now you have even more associations to have blue balls for a lifetime._

It was too good to avoid looking, so he did, head tilted and tried to imagine how it looked without clothes. “I am okay, but I usually sleep naked, so I guess my body wasn’t happy.”

_Apart from now. Now it’s fucking happy, just that it means nothing because nothing will happen to make you happier._

"Mmh," Hyungwon hummed until Hoseok suddenly felt hot fingers under his chin, tilting it upwards until he met his tutor's big brown eyes and blushed cheeks. "You're… kind of staring."

“I am. There is not much room for imagination. Are you feeling hot?” Hoseok shifted, slowly moving his thigh down and chewing on his lip because he had to stare into Hyungwon’s eyes while doing it. As soon as the round hips shifted, he couldn’t help an eyeroll and hiss that escaped his mouth at how good it felt.

_Because he’s not the only one with a boner._

When Hoseok returned his attention to the handsome face, he was met with a hint of surprise that transitioned into plump lips that parted in a silent moan, a reaction to the way he shifted without paying attention to his motions. Hyungwon's hands instantly reached out to grab his hips and it seemed instinctive as they pushed his thigh in the direction of where it had been. That is until the other man realized and let go as quickly as he had reached out.

"Sorry," the low voice murmured before Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut and tried to relax, naked chest rising and falling quickly and showing off his pretty scar.

“Why would you be sorry? Do you think I’m in a different situation here?” He chuckled and gasped because Hyungwon decided to shift again.

"I can feel it, so no, but-" Hyungwon sighed and opened his eyes again. He looked gorgeous with his longer hair covering the white sheets and lips sucked into his mouth for a few seconds. "You're not really sliding me over it like a horny lobster either."

“What is a horny lobster, Hyungwon?” He looked at the other man, dumbfounded by the comparison and pointed at his position. “Listen, I don’t know how long you’ve been sleeping, but even with my three seconds of awareness the first thing I did was to immobilize you with my legs, so let’s say we’re good. I wish you had fallen asleep at my place because I would’ve gotten up and gone to take a shower and brushed my teeth. But dumb question… why are you awake and was it your terrible church music?”

His tutor chuckled and shifted suddenly, lifting up on his elbows and brushing through Hoseok's hair briefly, probably to fix it.

"It was just the sound of church bells and that's what I use as my alarm. I wanted to go swimming early in the morning." Sitting up, Hyungwon gestured towards the tiny area with the sink. "I hate using a toothbrush for longer than two weeks, so I have a lot of spares if you like. The shower is mediocre, and I don't have berry shower gel, but I can at least give you an oversized shirt that might fit you, so you don't have to wear this one. Would that make you feel better?"

First, he stared, overwhelmed by the selfless kindness of the weird person next to him before he simply wrapped his arms and both legs around him, ignoring his boner and pushed his nose into the soft neck that still smelled like everything that he liked. “You’re too nice. Stop,” he muttered.

Hyungwon laughed out loud and ruffled up his hair. "You'll probably change your mind as soon as I force you to do math tomorrow."

“It’s not forcing, I like it. I’m sad that you’re so nice.” Sighing in utter desperation, he successfully prevented himself from placing a kiss against the pulsating jugular vein or or better yet, biting into it. Both were bad and not something Hyungwon would have understood.

"Why would that make you sad?" Hyungwon asked and brushed over his hair again. "I find it very sweet that helping you fall asleep is as easy as with Bella."

“Does Bella also get a boner?” he asked and forced himself to loosen his embrace because technically Hyungwon told him that he wanted to go swimming and he was selfishly getting any bit of skinship he could because he loved how it made him feel. “Never mind, but were you able to sleep despite my awesome sleeping habits?”

Hyungwon paused at that, visibly contemplating what to tell him. "Well, I thought a lot at first, but it wasn't uncomfortable even though nobody ever slept next to me. Sleepovers were usually me in my bed and the other person on a mattress if it was a boy and a different room if it was a girl."

“Well, that would have worked perfectly with me,” he commented and grinned before the words started to make sense in his head.

_He said nobody, Hoseok. Nobody slept next to him._

“Wait, really? Like… never? And then with your luck you get me who is the least sensible when it comes to being decent. Let’s be thankful that I wasn’t naked, I guess.”

"It seems to be a rare thing," Hyungwon commented deadpan before laughing and showing that he thought it was kind of funny. "You're adorable sometimes. It's not like I never had sleepovers as I said, only nobody ever slept in my bed. And I guess you're very confrontational, that can be a good thing, definitely exciting." Grinning, his tutor raked through his hair one more time before suddenly chewing on his bottom lip. "But seriously, do you like being naked? Don't you feel shy?"

“The only reason I’m not naked right now, is because I know that you don’t want me to be.” Hoseok wondered whether a single bed was good because one had to literally hug to fit or if it was bad because one couldn’t go anywhere if one needed space. “I like being naked. I’m not shy at all. Never been, never had a problem with my body or showing it. You are the first person who says that I’m adorable apart from my mom, that’s why I don’t trust you. Usually people say that I’m hot. A lot.”

"That's cause they have bad intentions." Hyungwon shrugged and shifted to give Hoseok more space, pointing out that he had been about to fall out of the bed, ass first. The screeching was a nice warning. "But you do have a very nice body, so there is nothing to be shy about. I also don't really mind you being naked I guess. I just freaked out because I was unprepared and didn't know what to expect. You shouldn't have anything I don't have. Apart from muscles that is."

“Excuse me, Mister, but you misunderstood. I am the one with the ‘bad intentions’ here, okay? In addition, having a similar anatomy doesn’t mean that bodies or people are the same. You for example have a pretty scar and I have other pretty parts about me.”

"The mole on your stomach?" Hyungwon asked, apparently quicker than he was able to filter as his eyes widened right after and he seemed a little embarrassed. "I saw when you opened the door in a towel."

_He thinks you’re hot. Still._

“Of course, you did. That too, but also other parts.” Pulling the slim body back into his tight embrace, Hoseok leaned in so close to the funnily curled ear that Hyungwon must’ve been able to feel every motion of his lips when he spoke. “Should I release you from your prison?”

Hyungwon tensed up and placed his palms flat against his sides without attempting to push him away. Only the other man's long legs shifted a little.

"What- what prison?" the low voice asked back, all previous amusement gone as the atmosphere flipped like a coin, insecurities returning along with trembling hands. "Are you trying to prove to me that you have bad intentions?"

_Really man? He thinks you would do that? This whole ‘you’re such a kind person’ agenda doesn’t go deep, does it?_

“It was a joke.” He exhaled and let go as if burned, skillfully jumping over Hyungwon and landing on his feet. “There. Released.” Walking to his shoes, he quickly tied the laces and put on his jacket and scarf before briefly waving and murmuring a ‘See you on Tuesday’.

_Why were you doing this to yourself again?_

Because his math tutor thought that he was hot, but he apparently also thought that he would do some creepy nonconsensual shit to him which was the biggest turn off ever.

_Then just don’t do it to yourself, it’s easy, right?_

_

'Humans and animals are drawn to others in an altered affective state, whether sad or happy. A study published in this issue of Nature Neuroscience shows that a specific population of interneurons in the brain is critical for discrimination of affective states.'

_Aha._

Hoseok read the paper about SOM cells detecting emotion and wondered why he kept getting the emotions wrong with his math tutor who was the most confusing fucker he had ever met.

_Why would he say that you're nice and then act as if you were about to eat him?_

_Because you were kind of thinking about it, but thinking is different from doing. Thinking is for yourself and doing is for others._

"Are you sure that you're okay? You sound annoyed." Kihyun on the other hand was way better than him at emotion detection, low voice echoing in his room and sounding weird through the phone speaker.

"I need to do my math stuff before tomorrow, but I don't want to. I don't want to do it so hard that I'm reading papers that we need to read for next week. I just want to be reckless and say fuck this and just fail the exam, but this is so annoying. I have A's in everything else, I can't fuck this one up." Hoseok whined and wiggled on his chair, fingers itching to throw something because he felt so fucking angry.

"Didn't you say your math tutor was the shit? Changkyun's friend? Or did you try flirting with him and he told you that you're an irresponsible ass? Just swallow it and continue, that's our spirit. You said you need to pass, so you need to pass. Easy."

Hoseok really wished it was that easy, but it wasn't. It was complicated, and he hated everything. Kihyun hung up when he was most annoyed, as usual and he wanted to throw himself on the bed, but the bell rang. Mom and dad went for groceries, so he was the one to open the door again. Great.

_Let's hope it's not church people, you can't handle this shit._

Jeezy performed a barking concerto, acting out a vicious dog that was ready to mangle anybody who dared to come close to their door. Well, until he opened it and his dangerous dog simply squeezed past with embarrassing sounds and threw himself on his back in front of his visitor's feet.

Lifting his gaze, he stared, completely dumbfounded at the fact that his math tutor stood in front of his door with flowers for absolutely no reason.

"Hi," he said, observing his dog's embarrassing behavior and feeling low-key angry because the reason for his anger appeared suddenly, looking awesome and with all kinds of unnecessary accessories.

_Like flowers._

"Hi," Hyungwon replied which was a little atypical for him, especially since he didn't immediately crouch down and spoil Jeezy but kept staring at him. "I'm sorry for coming unannounced, but I thought it was important. Can I… come in?"

He didn't even know what to say to that because most of his visitors came unannounced. Hoseok simply opened the door and walked back into the apartment, immediately occupying himself with the coffee machine.

There was shuffling but his tutor didn't follow immediately, probably taking off his coat and arranging his shoes and all that unnecessary stuff that he always did. When the machine had already heated up, Hyungwon stepped into the kitchen, Jeezy close by and rubbing his nose over the tall man's jeans. He looked a little more casual than the last time, ripped jeans and a black button down.

"How was your day?" his tutor asked and leaned against the doorframe, as if he was too hesitant to properly step into the kitchen.

"Like having a double espresso and three cigarettes one after the other. How was yours?" He pressed the button and waited until the dark brown liquid filled the dark blue cup.

"Like trying to focus in lectures but skipping the last two for the first time in my life because I wanted to come to you and apologize for upsetting you," Hyungwon answered and finally entered the kitchen, leaning against a counter about a meter away from him.

First he stared at his coffee that was very much unlike him, before his gaze finally found the reason for his mood swings. "Why would you skip lectures if it's so important to you?"

"Because you are more important." The tall man didn't even hesitate before replying, like he didn't need to think about it. "I'm sorry for hurting you this morning, Hoseok. Can I try to explain or would you prefer to tell me what I did, so that I won't do it again?"

_You're more important?_

"You can do it again. You can choose the pathway and if you feel comfortable with it, then that's the way it is. If you feel like you want to explain, feel free, but you don't need to. Coffee?" Hoseok pointed at the machine and took a sip of his espresso, leaning back against the counter and closing his eyes for a few moments.

"But I don't want to do it again. I want to make a choice that doesn't hurt you, that's why I'm here. I didn't think that me thinking that you are nice was so upsetting to you, that's why I kept saying it." Hyungwon inhaled sharply and shifted next to him, coming a little closer as the other man's voice also got clearer in his ears. "I felt so overwhelmed by the sudden embrace that I thought you did it to show me that you're not nice after all, so I would stop saying it all the time. I still think you're nice and a wonderful human, but if it upsets you, then I won't say it anymore."

_What?_

He tried to make sense of the words, but it wasn't possible. There was no logic whatsoever.

"What are you even talking about, Hyungwon? I hugged you because you were about to fall out of the bed ass first and asked you whether I should free you because we were so close and you hate it. But thank you for thinking that I would do anything you don't like to you just to prove that I'm a bad person… Like what? I never said that I'm a bad person and I made fun of you saying 'bad intentions' because it's just intentions, there's nothing bad about them. God, I want to throw myself out of the window." Hoseok groaned and emptied the cup before throwing it into the sink. "Water?"

Hyungwon shook his head before Hoseok felt fingers on his forearm, not applying pressure or curling around it as if the other man expected to be pushed away immediately.

"But I never thought that you were going to do something to me, neither to prove that you are a 'bad person' nor to show 'bad intentions'. That's not what I tried to say at all, Hoseok. I just-" Hyungwon swallowed and glanced at the cup lying in the sink. "I just reacted to the way your voice sounded in my ear and felt like I had to change the focus somehow, to get back to something you said before that I could use to distract from the way I felt. I didn't want you to let go, so I just said whatever. I'm- I'm sorry, it must sound so desperate."

Letting go of his forearm, the tall man stepped away and leaned against the counter, teeth abusing his plump bottom lip and knuckles white as his hands held onto the edge.

_Because he liked the way it sounded?_

Turning around, Hoseok washed his face with cold water to calm the fuck down and dried it with a paper towel before walking to the spot that Hyungwon stood frozen on, wrapping one arm around his slim waist and pulling him into a hug. "You're so confusing. So fucking confusing," he muttered and stroked over his lower back and shoulder blades, whispering the words into Hyungwon's ear.

_You’re so touchy, he’s probably confused about that too._

Slim arms wrapped around him in return, embracing him properly for the first time as Hyungwon leaned his forehead against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea that you understood it like that. I'd never think that you'd do something without asking me first, you always ask me. You're the only one who considers my scar pretty and even gives me a chair for doing absolutely nothing. How am I supposed to think that you are a bad person? You smile like an angel, Hoseok." Realizing that he must have been babbling, the tall man tightened his embrace and buried his head in his neck, holding his breath. Jeezy wanted to join in, slipping in between their legs and trying to rub his body against them.

"You worked for that chair. I counted the hours and the money and then spent exactly that amount. Don't give me credit for nothing. And your scar is beautiful. I don't think I'm a bad person and I don't think that I'm a good person, I'm just a person." He hated himself a tiny bit for liking the embrace so much, but he kept it, inhaling Hyungwon's scent and one hand stroking over his hair.

_How did you go from aroused to awkward, to hurt to intimate?_

"No matter what kind of person you think you are, I like you a lot," Hyungwon muttered and lifted his head, meeting his gaze as if he wanted to show him that he wasn't joking, expression serious. "I would teach you even without getting a chair for it and you can visit even without having a reason to do so. I like your company and I hope someday you'll tell me even more about yourself. I'd love to hear it."

_But what does he want to know?_

"I have a heart shaped tattoo on my hip. Now you know. I'm sorry for not reacting immediately, it's just a little overwhelming and I was so angry that my associations now are messed up. I… guess I like you too, that's why I was so mad." This was harder than expected and he had to look away, feeling his ears heating up and burning while he stood there trying to come up with something fun to say.

Hyungwon let his right hand travel to his hair and raked through it as he could feel those brown eyes remain focused on him.

"I'll do my best not to make you mad anymore although I probably deserved it. I don't know why I react like that, it makes no sense whatsoever. I must be really desperate for some reason and somehow I'm starting to doubt that earning blue hearts is going to save me." Groaning, the tall man massaged his temples and pursed his lips. "I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this, Hoseok."

_But you want to deal with this so badly._

"I liked all of it and I didn't feel bad for a single second apart from that one time where you said that I wanted to hurt you to prove to you that I'm bad… Ah, I have an amazing idea, do you by chance have an early lecture tomorrow? Because I want to disable all your filters for a bit." Hoseok smiled playfully, keeping his arms around Hyungwon's waist because he liked it.

"To be honest, I have no idea what you are talking about," his tutor muttered and chewed on his cheek absentmindedly. "I don't know if you want me to have an early lecture or not, so I can't adjust my answer, so that it's the one you want to hear."

_Why is he so adorable, why?_

"I don't want you to have any because I want to temporarily free your brain from the thoughts garbage that it's usually rotting under. The method is not the healthiest, but perfectly temporary and you will be able to feel free for a bit. I will join you." Again, Hoseok grinned and let his hands travel over Hyungwon's sides because he was curious.

Brown eyes observed him for a few long seconds, switching from one eye to the other before travelling down to his lips and closing.

"Okay," Hyungwon muttered before opening them again and attempting to hide the tremble that passed through his body because of Hoseok's hands. "I trust you."

"That's why I'm going to be with you, to take care of you. Where's the Gin?" Hoseok went to the fridge and took out the Berry gin and tonic water and placed them into Hyungwon's hands before getting two glasses. "Let's go to my room."

The other man nodded before pausing and gesturing towards the flowers he left in the hallway.

"The flowers are actually for you this time," he muttered and brushed through his bangs, visibly concerned about what Hoseok planned to do with the Gin. "And the thing is… I don't drink, Hoseok."

_Why would he get you flowers? Is this a thing?_

"Of course, you don't drink, that's why you're here to drink with me and I'll take care of you and make sure you only drink as much as you need to feel free without all the bad stuff." Smiling brightly, he placed the flowers next to his mom’s bouquet and walked towards his room, waiting until Hyungwon was inside and turning the key with a grin and wiggling his eyebrows.

That pulled a chuckle from the other man who sat down on his bed and played with his hands to hide that he was obviously nervous.

"Do you always do that when you lock your door? An innuendo?" Hyungwon asked before glancing at the bottles that Hoseok brought one more time. "But I really don't drink. At all. It's bad for your health."

_Being stuck up is also bad for your health._

"Do you know what I usually do when I lock the door?" Hoseok walked towards him, gaze focused on the handsome face before wrapping his hand around Hyungwon's shoulders and pinning him to the mattress, all air immediately escaping his lungs. "And then many more things to come. But the fact that you look terrified and unable to say anything means that it needs to change, and I need to know what you're truthfully thinking and that's why… we need to drink today."

"What… makes you think that I will tell you something that I cannot tell you now?" Hyungwon whispered and curled his hands into the sheets, holding on tightly while looking like he was exactly where he belonged with his gorgeous hair and handsome face.

"Because I asked you and I saw all those thoughts and you contemplating what to tell me. That's not it, I want the unfiltered part. I want to know what's behind all that. Drink with me," he whispered right into his face, exhale hitting Hyungwon's lips.

"But-" Hyungwon began, pausing right after, lips parting in response. "But most of those thoughts are just silly, nothing anybody ever goes through with. That's the whole idea of decency, that you don't follow every whim that your mind comes up with."

"You definitely need a gin and tonic my gorgeous friend." Hoseok shook his head and left the adorable baby to lie on his bed in the same position where he pinned him to it and prepared two drinks. "It's not even about all of your thoughts, Hyungwon. It's about me wanting to see what's underneath. Selfish as I am. Cheers."

Hyungwon sat up and chewed on his lips as he watched him, thoughts passing over the other man's face but not arriving at a conclusion.

"Underneath what?" the low voice whispered and shifted on top of the bed. "What if… I do something… sinful? Something I can't forgive myself? Something wrong?"

_Excuse me?_

"Nobody will take your soul away, Hyungwon. I will forgive you and if you're embarrassed I can also act as if it never happened, okay? That's why I locked the door, everything stays here. You have no idea what kind of things these walls have seen."

"But those walls… aren't the only ones seeing it, Hoseok." Hyungwon didn't elaborate and merely inhaled through his nose, eyes fluttering shut. "I'm… I'm kind of terrified."

_How can he be so scared of a gin and tonic? You will never understand._

"That's exactly what I mean. Why would you be terrified? It's not some kind of crazy ass drug that will let you see crazy shit and eat vomit from last night or anything. You'll just feel less inhibition, and that's about it. You'll be a little bit like me when I'm not drunk." Grinning brightly, Hoseok offered Hyungwon one of the drinks. "You don't have to if you really don't want to, but fuck, you look as if you definitely do."

"You mean that I won't suddenly become a different person and do things I would condemn?" his tutor asked one more time but curled his fingers around the glass as if it were a potion to sell his soul to the devil.

"You will be yourself, Hyungwon, just with less fucks to give." Hoseok took his drink and took a sip, smiling brightly.

Hyungwon watched him, fingers white around his glass before his shoulders suddenly relaxed and he sighed out loud. The lean thighs were pressed together as if his tutor expected himself to be more stable if his body was tense and frozen in place.

"I'm always being so difficult," Hyungwon muttered eventually and lifted the glass to his lips, taking a few gulps of his gin and tonic before glancing back up at Hoseok. "It's not bad, kind of bitter. I thought temptation would be sweet." A small grin spread the full, red lips.

_You're the temptation, but he probably doesn't know that._

"Temptation is there to think and assess whether it'll be fun and to then do it after making an informed decision. That's what I usually do. Unless there's a short circuit in my brain and I just go completely crazy."

"And what does go completely crazy mean?" his tutor asked with a raised eyebrow and took another sip, focusing on the taste and licking his lips briefly without realizing.

_He's attractive. Very much so._

"It's about chemistry. If a person and I click, then we are just all over each other, reluctant to breathe and just wanting to be close, ripping the clothes from our bodies and tasting every inch of each other’s skin. That kind of crazy." Hoseok drank a few more gulps and grinned at Hyungwon.

"Mmh," the other man hummed and glanced at the liquid in his glass, as if contemplating how he felt about it. "The reason you have attractive people in your room, lock the door and break the bed."

_Judgemeeent._

"The bed breaking was indeed a going crazy story. You're also attractive, you're in my room and I locked the door, but my bed is whole, and my hands are around my glass, so let's not generalize."

"I just meant that you have a lot of experience, that's why you are at ease with all these things while I behave in a confusing way. I thought about this, you know, even if it might not seem like it." Sighing, Hyungwon took another sip of his drink before placing it on the night table and throwing himself back on the bed, groin bulging because of how thin he was in addition to the tightness of his jeans.

_Hot._

"I just hope that you don't beat yourself up too much, it's nothing major." Hoseok poured another drink in both glasses and decided to sit on the bed too. "It's huge, right? I love it."

"Yeah, it probably fits me five times," Hyungwon remarked before chucking and inhaling the scent of the sheets. "You must really love berries."

"I do. Do you like it? My scent?" Hoseok asked, crossing his legs and taking another sip as he observed Hyungwon intently.

"Yeah." The other man didn't elaborate, but briefly glanced in his direction and shifted under his gaze. "I wish I could tell you that I don't beat myself up over my arbitrary reactions, but I don't lie. It is something that is my fault and makes me stick out for no reason."

"Can I be a tease for a second?" he asked and placed his glass on the table after taking another sip.

Hyungwon lifted his head and bit down on his bottom lip, careful even though Hoseok had only asked without acting.

"Okay," the low voice whispered eventually. "I'm sorry in advance."

Hoseok was a simple person so he looked at his watch and pressed a finger against Hyungwon's pulse, checking that it was 90, fast for lying in bed, but okay. "It's ninety bpm without anything happening. Now let's see." Inhaling sharply, he crawled towards Hyungwon, gaze focused on the handsome face and playful smile in place. Throwing one leg over the slim hips, Hoseok slowly sat down on his lap, leaning in just as slowly as his hands stroked over the pretty face and neck and he stopped right in front of Hyungwon's lips, purposefully exhaling hot air against them in a gasp.

Hyungwon's eyes were wide, lips parted without a single word leaving them and his whole body was shaking from something as simple as his proximity alone. The other man's hands were holding onto the sheets and he didn't move, eyes fixed on his.

"Please don't do this to me," the low voice muttered suddenly.

_You won’t._

"Don't worry," he whispered back, again releasing warm air. His hand went to the slim wrist checking the heartbeat and slowly crawling down from the hot body. "Well, 135bpm. And now you tell me whose fault that is."

_Yours, because you want him._

***

'A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.'

The words had been running through Hyungwon's mind throughout the whole day, no matter whether he was swimming his laps in the morning, going to a lecture or trying to finish up corrections.

_Because the words matter._

Hoseok was a first-year and his student, somebody that he taught math to, but most of the times that they met had been independent of mathematics. The two of them had spent time together and enjoyed each other's company and even if Hoseok had never explicitly called him a friend, they kind of were, weren't they?

No matter the relationship between two people, if one made a mistake, then one has to apologies. Hyungwon had learned it early on and lived by it. There was no need to hurt others and leave them with it, if there was a way to correct it and make it better. He cared about Hoseok, even if they weren't friends and the younger man had a tendency to freak him out.

_But it must be friendship. You like his company._

That was the reason he decided to skip two lectures for the first time in his life and do something better instead, namely apologize to a person that he hurt. Hoseok's smile always felt like a reward to him and being the reason for the obvious hurt on the other man's face had been difficult to bear.

Hyungwon hadn't bothered to change and only popped by his favorite flower shop to buy a bouquet of yellow roses because the owner said they are perfect for apologizing to a friend. Still, the flowers weren't the main point, so Hyungwon had hoped to be able to explain himself before giving Hoseok the pretty bouquet. He wasn't buying forgiveness, he wanted to earn it.

_You didn't know that it was a misunderstanding all along._

Mistakes were made because of strong emotions or because one lost control over words and the impact they could have on another person. It shouldn't have been surprising to him that by reacting to Hoseok's embrace he had ended up saying something hurtful.

_Why would you expect him to hurt you only to prove a point?_

Hyungwon had believed it to be teasing, meaningless commentary that distracted him from the warm arms around him and the fact that he must have been desperate enough to pull another man's leg towards his groin for stimulation.

_Don't think about that._

Hyungwon didn't want to think about any of it. He wanted to remain in the embrace of forgiveness that he received and not think about what it was that Hoseok yearned to pull out from his lips, to uncover.

_He wants the thoughts, but why? They are wrong, and he should know it as well as you do. They are only human whims and real strength comes from denying them._

Hyungwon had never touched alcohol before apart from a hint of wine during service, because it was meaningful. He didn't condemn others for drinking and he still joined parties and enjoyed the company of other students, but alcohol had never been necessary for him. It was a personal decision and he had made a long time ago.

_But that decision has self-control as its base. You don't want to lose yourself and harm your health as an extra._

The problem was that losing his inhibitions was exactly what Hoseok wanted him to do. But Hyungwon's inhibitions were the only reason he hadn't lost his mind yet. They were what forced him to try to act like a man his age and get close to Sarah. On the other hand their failure was what resulted in his attempts to avoid her for over a month. A lot of sexual encounters were meaningless to others, but to Hyungwon it seemed like he had been kept away from it for so long that his body didn't care anymore what body was next to him. It was a terrifying thought and alcohol might end up destroying the last barrier he had.

_He's always so close, that's why you're struggling. You don't know how to act or how to compose yourself because you don't let yourself get close to anybody. It's your own fault._

Just how difficult keeping his inhibitions was, became obvious with each additional second that Hyungwon spent in Hoseok's bedroom, with every meter less that separated them and with each association of fingers stroking along his scar that his mind supplied him with. It was wrong, terribly wrong and he knew it.

_You know it too well, so why are you going along with it?_

Maybe he was curious, secretly hoping that the point would come at which his mind would wake up and push away what needed to be pushed away for his sanity.

_But why isn't it coming?_

The gin and tonic was burning down his throat, not as sweet as he had expected temptation to taste. It was his own association, the idea that alcohol was what resulted in humans doing things that they regret the most, kissing their exes, upsetting their friends, dishonouring their parents. All of those were options, but why did the locked door and Hoseok's eyes on him feel safe and dangerous at the same time?

Was it his thoughts? His own expectations that brought about the impression?

Hyungwon was being difficult, rejecting something that most students didn't even think a single second about. He had been the one who asked Hoseok to stay so he could learn to deal with the thoughts developing inside his mind, but at the same time he kept rejecting the options Hoseok provided him with.

The sweet but bitter mixture was still occupying his mouth when the familiar scent of berries and smoke entered his nose, followed by weight on his thighs and cool hands that began at his neck and stroked down towards his chest. Hyungwon could feel that the touch resulted in goosebumps that seemed to follow it like a spell, air freezing in his chest and hands holding onto the sheets with all the strength he could muster.

Hyungwon didn't know what he had expected when Hoseok asked him whether he was allowed to tease him and checked the speed of his heart with his delicate fingertips. Having the dark eyes and curved lips right in front of him, hot air tickling his face, had not been it. Heat rose in his cheeks and the rest of his body and no other sound, but the hammering of his heart entered his ears.

_This is wrong, Hyungwon, this is simply wrong._

"Please don't do this to me," he whispered as desperation spread through him along with the knowledge that if Hoseok didn't move away, Hyungwon wouldn't have the strength to push.

_Because you never fulfil expectations, not even your own._

Suddenly, Hoseok's low voice sounded in his ear again, telling him not to worry as the brunette crawled back and increased the space between their faces and bodies. Cold hands reached for his wrist and measured his heartbeat, assuming that the proximity was the only reason that Hyungwon reacted.

_He just doesn't know, that's why he thinks it's not your fault._

"Do you think everybody would react like this as soon as you get close enough?" he murmured and lifted on his elbow. His face was still burning, and he struggled to catch his breath and stop his chest from rising and falling so visibly.

“Let’s say many people I know react this way because of me and I know it, so don’t worry and have another drink.” Smiling prettily, Hoseok moved closer, holding the glass in front of him. His student was wearing similarly ripped jeans like him, pale and tattooed skin peeking from the rips and white shirt hugging the muscular chest and wrapping around the thick arms. “Were you scared?”

"Of myself," Hyungwon replied truthfully and brushed through his hair to have something else to focus on. His eyes scanned the bedroom, curious about how Hoseok lived compared to him. The bed had light blue sheets and there were shelves full of various books and journals that looked like neuroscience specific literature on the sides, mostly photos on the walls, a table, an office chair, a couch, two wardrobes and a lot of space in general. "But I know that you could have done the same to another person and they might not have cared, maybe they would have just chuckled and shrugged it off. I know I could be like that too, but I'm not because I don't let myself get used to it."

_You wouldn't have gotten closer to a person like that._

“Of course, there are people who don’t react to me, but isn’t it always like that? Do you think I sit on every random guy’s lap and try to feel his heartbeat? It’s not you, sunshine, believe me.” Hoseok let their glasses touch before taking a sip of his drink and placing it on the night table next to a gigantic glass container full of condoms before he sat down on the bed next to him.

Hyungwon really wanted to continue the conversation and point out that it depended on how one wanted to react and Hyungwon happened to be somebody who preferred to be calm and collected and at most amused. It would have been nicer if his reactions were similar to how he reacted to Changkyun, calm and mostly with a chuckle.

He really wanted to say all that, but instead his eyes stopped at the jar full of condoms as he tried to understand why anybody would need that many.

_He must be having so much sex._

"Holy mother of god," he muttered and kept staring at the condom packages that were in every colour of the rainbow. The alcohol was already warming up his chest and stomach, but at this point he decided that it was a good idea to take another sip before putting his drink back on the night table while trying not to touch the jar. Unfortunately, he ended up throwing something else off in the meantime, a metal object that was thicker at the top and had a base it could stand on.

"Sorry," he whispered and quickly leaned down to pick it up from the ground and put it back next to the condom jar.

“Oops,” Hoseok grinned and took it away from him, throwing it into a drawer that was filled with all kinds of objects. “I forgot it here after disinfecting.”

"Are you so worried about microbes that you disinfect random decorative objects?" he asked in the hope to distract from the fact that the condom jar had freaked him out. It wasn't that big of a deal, it was probably great for Hoseok to have so much sex, but Hyungwon's mom would have had a mental breakdown if he had left anything the like on his bedside table.

“You… have no idea what that was I see. It’s not for decoration, it’s for fun, but it is made for very intimate parts of the body, so it needs to be clean and disinfected.” Again, Hoseok grinned and took another sip before letting himself fall on the bed, spreading his arms with a smile on his lips.

_Fun, huh?_

Hyungwon examined Hoseok's relaxed face and the obvious amusement that lifted the corners of the other man's curved lips. It took him a few seconds to draw the appropriate association and feel his face burn up.

_It's a sextoy._

"You must really have a lot of fun here," he muttered and brushed through his hair again before shifting on the bed and missing the familiar screeching. "I can't believe that your mother is so relaxed about that. Mine might have fainted after seeing that jar."

“But you need protection if you have sex, I would have fainted if somebody didn’t use protection, what the fuck? The jar was a birthday present from my mom. She cares about me.” Hoseok pointed at the drinks and made a drinking gesture, encouraging him to take it.

"Wow, your mom is really… liberal." Chewing on his cheek, he reached for the glass and took another sip, focusing on the taste of berries that followed the bitterness. "I guess the difference is that my mom is of the opinion that there is no need for protection when you are a good boy, because you keep your hands off."

_Until it's time for marriage and suddenly it's surprising that you weren't really interested before._

“Excuse me? What is ‘good boy’ about, suppressing your wishes and needs to be close and feel pleasure with yourself or other people? Hyungwon, do you also think like that? Do you masturbate? I hope you masturbate, please tell me that you touch yourself!” Hoseok turned to him and rolled over, holding onto his thigh and looking at him with begging eyes.

_Sweet Jesus._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he placed his palm on top of Hoseok's cold one in the hope to calm him down. His student looked utterly terrified by the idea of not masturbating and even though Hyungwon wasn't that extreme, the reaction was.

_As if he's worried about you._

"Well- I definitely don't have _that much_ self-control," he mumbled and wondered why they had to talk about masturbating. Even with Changkyun he had kept the conversation quick after they both concluded that it was impossible not to, no matter what parents think.

“Why would you need that stupid self-control, Hyungwon? It’s healthy and you need to know your own body to know what you like and it gives you peace of mind. How could somebody think that it’s a good thing to stay away from being close to people?” Hoseok looked sad and shook his head, staring at him before simply placing his head on his lap again.

_Oh no._

Hyungwon didn't keep Hoseok from it, but he was grateful that he wasn't wearing his pajama pants this time. He didn't want to be rude and push Hoseok away again because of his own fear.

_If only the associations weren't that strong._

"I think it is thought of as protection but also a challenge before marriage. It's strange because nobody wants you to be close to anybody, but when you're the right age to get married they wonder why you're not interested." Sighing, Hyungwon massaged his temples and rearranged his legs to make it more comfortable for Hoseok. He really liked how the younger man's hair felt between his fingertips. "It's kind of strange to talk about this with you, since most people in college don't really get it, cause they grew up differently. I know that not all of it makes sense, but some of it is thought of as a way to become stronger as a person. If you can contain your desires, then you can defeat temptation. It doesn't have to be sexual, but also greed or sudden anger."

"I wanted to throw you out of the window and I have no regrets. I also don't think you're stronger than me. Your mind. I think it's just a way to make people miserable on purpose." Hoseok looked at him and swallowed.

_Are you miserable?_

He couldn't tell, he had no way of knowing how things would be if he had grown up differently. He only knew that he received a gift and all this time he was merely doing his best to make sure he deserved it, that he made the best out of it.

"I'm simply thankful that I'm alive," he murmured and let his fingers run through the longer hair at the top of Hoseok's head before he played with the shorter hair at the sides. It felt good against his fingertips and it didn't seem dangerous, rather the opposite. It felt calming, like it was okay to be sitting on that bed and talking to a person that was dear to him after such a short time.

_Because he reminds you of an angel, despite all those things that he does._

Maybe that was the definition of temptation, having the knowledge that there were things one should have been staying away from, but every single glance appears so sweet.

"I miss your smile." The words left his lips before his mind was able to catch up, feeling a little slower than usual. His fingers traced the curve of Hoseok's ear before they brushed over the curved mouth, secretly hoping to see them spread in one of those smiles that he enjoyed so much.

The hot lips placed a kiss against his fingers before spreading in a gorgeous smile, black eyes focused on his face.

"Better?" Hoseok whispered before placing another kiss against his fingertips, soft like a cloud.

"Y-yeah," he replied quietly and felt his fingers tremble as they travelled back to Hoseok's hair.

_He's beautiful, not only his smile._

Hyungwon knew better than to say that out loud, simply letting his hands continuously rake through brown hair as if it didn't mean anything. It did, but he didn't want it to, just like it didn't for others that couldn't care less about skinship.

"But I prefer when there is a reason for it to appear, when you are genuinely happy." He smiled back and observed the dark eyes that watched him, the pale face that was in contrast to the dark strands surrounding it and Hyungwon's ripped jeans. He was paying so much attention to things that didn't really matter. Their words were supposed to matter, their casual conversation and not the proximity.

_It's because you don't know it. There are different rules that apply to you, but you keep trying to use those of others._

"Oh, but I have a reason. I'm happy on your lap, it's comfortable and you're handsome, so I like watching you. You also don't look as if you want to run away from me, so that's nice." Hoseok smiled again and lifted one hand, brushing over his lips with his soft fingertips. "Your lips are soft like a cushion."

"That's- because they are plump," he muttered and could feel his face heat up, realizing how sensitive his lips actually were and how easily a tingling sensation travelled right from Hoseok's fingertips to the pit of his stomach. "I… also like the way it feels. Your hair is so soft."

"It's because of how you blow dried it and because I had a forty minute long self-love session to feel better after you made me sad and rubbed my head over the pillow." The smile looked so innocent while Hoseok was telling him about masturbating, planting pictures in his head.

_How can he be both at once? Innocence and sin in one._

"I'm still sorry for making you sad," he replied, purposefully not addressing the images that Hoseok was inserting into his mind and that only added to the heat that spread through his cheeks. "You… talk about it so easily, Hoseok."

“But you talk about what you are doing too. You said that you skipped two lectures, it was also about time and what you did during that time, some kind of behavior, so why is my behavior different from yours? Because I touched myself? One should talk about it more because it’s definitely more pleasant than a lecture in math, no offense.” Hoseok got up from his lap and took his drink before taking a condom and throwing it at him, grin spread on the handsome face at his antics.

Hyungwon jerked, at first because it was so vulgar and after, because there were no real consequences. Hoseok was just joking and again he was the one who freaked out because he had been taught that it was wrong or something that wasn't done.

_But talking about it doesn't harm anybody. Maybe it would have been easier for you if you had learned to talk about it._

"I guess it's because what you did is more private, something that one should keep to the bedroom," he replied and chewed on his cheek before taking the condom and putting it back into the jar. "Or, to be honest, it's probably because I'm not used to talking about it. Nobody told me much about puberty either and my dad signed that I shouldn't participate in sex Ed. Luckily, Changkyun did."

_You're telling him so much. Are you hoping for another opinion, a different view?_

“But… that’s wrong. It’s like purposefully denying a person access to information that they need for a healthy development. Wow. That makes me angry.” Hoseok looked a tiny bit scary, black eyes narrowed, lips parted and knuckles cracking from the force that the other man used on them.

"I guess you're right, I'm trying to work on it." Hyungwon smiled and let his fingers run through Hoseok's hair again to calm the brunette down and to hopefully return the expression he liked so much. There were a few expressions he enjoyed, but the smile was the only one he allowed himself to think of. "I've improved a lot after starting college, I told you. It simply seems like you're very good at getting to me. Are you sure you need the alcohol?" He chuckled because it seemed true. Meeting other students, he never had the same struggles and even being naked with Changkyun had never resulted in any of the situations he had with Hoseok.

_Is it about him then and not about the fact that he's a man?_

The thought hit a little too close to his concerns, so he bit down on his bottom lip until it hurt enough to distract him and returned his attention to Hoseok's black eyes.

“I’m going to teach you everything. You can ask me anything you like and I will reply without a single ounce of judgment, okay? And unlike most people who teach sex-ed classes, I indeed tried all of the things and can speak from personal experience. But…” The muscular man brushed through his hair next to his hand and took a sip from his drink, giving him his glass to do the same. “Why am I getting to you?”

Hyungwon swallowed, feeling caught because he hadn't paid enough attention to his words, revealing a realization even before he made it himself. It was the truth, he couldn't deny it. Had anybody else put their head on his lap, he might have shifted and felt a little uncomfortable, but his cheeks wouldn't be burning with quite the same heat.

_Now he's not even on your lap, but you still feel that way and touch his hair._

"I don't know," he whispered truthfully and let his eyes travel over Hoseok's face and neck, passing over the white shirt and how little space remained in it next to Hoseok's muscular body. His lips found the glass all on their own as he took a few bigger gulps, emptying it, before returning it to the night table. Maybe he was hoping for the effect that Hoseok described, for the concerns in his mind to leave him, even if that also meant his inhibitions disappeared as well. "You act differently from others. You're not ashamed and maybe that just shows me how ashamed I am."

“What are you ashamed of? Of the way you react to me? But I told you that it’s because of the way I behave. I know no personal space, I’m super touchy and I tease for a living, so it might happen. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest, it never is something to be ashamed of. Being a shit human is.” Hoseok looked serious as he emptied his glass and placed it next to the condoms before simply taking the gin bottle and taking a few gulps. “Ah, that feels nice.”

_He's drinking so much._

Hyungwon didn't judge it, but couldn't help the concern that instantly popped up in his head, the worry whether Hoseok still felt okay. His student had said he would take care of him, but Hyungwon felt responsible in return.

"It's not only the way I react to you," he murmured at his eyes observed the way Hoseok's Adam's apple bobbed with each swallow. "It's how I deal with it. If you initiate skinship and go beyond my boundaries, then I should be pushing you away and telling you instead of waiting for the moment you do it again. It's-"

_It's wrong._

He didn't say it out loud, but his mind knew it nevertheless, just like it knew that he had admitted the reason for never pushing the other man away.

“But that’s what pretense is about, Hyungwon. Do you know those TV shows my grandma watches where the woman - I don’t know why it’s always the woman cheating when we all know it’s statistically the other way around - anyways, the woman always has the dude on her neck and mutters shit like ‘we shouldn’t be doing this, Mark’ when she actually means ‘we should definitely be doing this, Mark’ because she is only with her husband because he’s the misogynist that her parents thought would be ‘best for her’ and meant ‘best for them.’ Anyways, thank you for listening to my TED talk. What I meant is that if you want it then there is a reason for wanting it.” The example sounded a little too familiar, so Hyungwon fumbled with his hands to distract himself and come up with a nice way to address something else.

Hoseok let himself fall on top of the bed again, closing his eyes and smiling softly, cheeks gaining a light pink color. It looked gorgeous and Hyungwon had the sudden urge to reach out and let his fingers brush over the pink cheeks. But he didn't, placing his hand on the sheets, but close by instead.

"But it’s like with temptation, Hoseok. Just because one wants something, doesn't mean that one should act on it." Inhaling softly, he focused on his heartbeat, only to realize that it was quicker again and accompanied the heat that alcohol spread through his body. He felt like he was burning.

“I see, Jesus, and now tell me why I shouldn’t act on it?” Opening one eye, Hoseok glanced at him with a lifted eyebrow. “There’s exactly one reason that’s valid.”

_Because it's wrong._

"Because it has consequences," he answered instead, knowing very well that Hoseok might not understand his concerns. They were his own after all.

“What kind of consequences?” When the other man opened both eyes, he turned to the side and simply pulled him down on top of the mattress, faces aligned. Hyungwon gasped in surprise, a little embarrassed because Hoseok must have realized. Even though the brunette was younger than him, he easily made him forget by getting to him in a matter of seconds, lips closer than he dared to think about and berry scent mixing with gin as it entered his nose.

_Why do you want to be close so badly?_

"Bad ones," he replied, knowing exactly that it meant nothing. How was he supposed to explain that it was a whole set of things, of thoughts and expectations that he had already broken often enough. "It results in disappointment. Disappointment of others and myself. Like… when you are told not to take the biscuit, but you cannot resist and still do."

“But what if it’s tasty? And you really want it and you need the sugar because that’s what makes you feel alive and the only thing that holds you back is some stuck up adult making up a rule to test your will?” Hoseok shifted closer and smiled playfully, cheek resting on his delicate hands, probably to warm them up.

"But what if that adult knows that as soon as I eat the biscuit, I won't be able to forget about it anymore? What if I'll always want to eat biscuits, even though I've been living perfectly fine without them before? What if having the biscuit won't be worth everything else that might happen to me?" Hyungwon's voice was shaking and he hated it, hated that he sounded emotional talking about a stupid biscuit, only because he knew what it really meant. Reaching out, he let his fingers run along the edge of Hoseok's palm. “Are you… cold?"

_It's an excuse, just an excuse to touch him._

“That adult doesn’t want you to eat the biscuit because they know that they will lose control over you, and they hate it. That’s the only reason. Because in the end it should be your decision whether you want to live eating biscuits or not. That adult has nothing to say because they’re doing the same shit on a different scale, trying to fool you into their control by lying.” Hoseok spoke clearly and he could smell the gin, the tonic and the berry shampoo the other man used. “My hands are always cold, but you know that already, right?”

"But what if they know something I don't, if I'm there because of something they did and I cannot disappoint them after everything they've done for me?" Hyungwon's voice didn't stop trembling even though his body seemed stable as he reached out and let his fingers run along Hoseok's naked forearm until he tugged at it to free the delicate hands and intertwined their fingers. "Let me… warm them for you."

Hoseok hummed in reply, pink tongue licking over the curved mouth slowly and torturously before the low voice finally replied. “They are pulling their own parents' agenda, Hyungwon. It’s like the uninformed decisions carried on through generations. And your parents should be doing things for you because they love you and not expect anything back because you didn’t ask them to be born either. Of course, you are nice and everything, but being alive is not something that you should let yourself be a slave for. You’re alive by an accidental meeting of an egg cell and a sperm and that’s exactly how you should view it. You got a heart as a kid and it’s an amazing thing that you’re alive, but you are not forced to repay it. You deserve to live independent of whether you make a decision to live eating biscuits or whatever else you decide on. It’s your life, Hyungwon.”

He smiled because it was sweet of Hoseok to describe it that way, especially because he was right.

_But you aren't thinking about your parents._

"You're really sweet," he whispered and wondered what it was about Hoseok's lips that made him want to touch them, to find out how they felt against his fingertips. His thumb was drawing circles over Hoseok's cold hand and Hyungwon found himself shifting closer, breathing in even more of that scent.

“You keep saying that I’m sweet without knowing how I taste. It’s speculative and you don’t even have any evidence.” A playful smile spread the red lips as Hoseok licked over them again.

The mere sight added heat to his body that couldn't have been the alcohol alone, spreading through his chest and even tingling at his lips, as if Hyungwon could feel the way Hoseok let his tongue run over the soft texture.

The younger man was right, he didn't know how he tasted, because he didn't allow himself to find out, to get close enough to not only breathe in the scent of berries but to taste everything that it entailed on his own lips. His mind felt like a city in fog, showing fractions of familiar buildings, but never enough to know what he was dealing with.

_Why is he making you feel this way? Does he even know the effect he has on you?_

Hyungwon swallowed and couldn't resist letting his left hand travel over the space between them until he reached Hoseok's face, fingers looking golden compared to the pale skin. He still hesitated, only brushing over the soft cheek and wondering if it was too much, if he had lost his mind.

He had a desire, so prominent that it scared him. A desire that didn't care about decency, about what was right or wrong and about the responsibilities he had towards his family and other people that cared about him. None of this seemed to matter as his breaths became ragged and he bit down on his bottom lip to contain it, to not act on it.

_He doesn't understand, he doesn't know why this is so difficult for you._

Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut as a tremble passed through his body, allowing him to breathe out his next words.

"But to me you are that biscuit, Hoseok."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 5

The familiar tingling spread in his limbs and he got more talkative and also more attentive to signs of attraction. Somehow, it always happened when he was a little tipsy. Hoseok could feel the worried gaze when he drank Gin from the bottle neck, but it didn’t matter because his tolerance was pretty high.

_But still you feel as if you need more._

The pretty face and the ash-brown hair were hard to resist, but what was even harder to resist was the overwhelming intimacy the other man was able to create out of complete nothingness.

_You know that he thinks that you’re hot, but this is not the usual situation, is it?_

When he pulled Hyungwon to the mattress and they talked about resisting pointless rules, he wanted to make the other man understand that the restrictions didn’t eliminate the desires and that it would only get worse, that one needed to love oneself and to give into temptations once in a while to be able to understand that there was nothing bad about them. That it was simply another decision that one made.

_It seems as if it’s too deep for you to get through. He talks about it as if it’s the scariest thing ever. You don’t even know those fears._

When the hot fingers stroked over his face, he felt goosebumps and tension blur his senses with how close they were, not only physically but how much the words infused meaning into the situation.

_You’re not very familiar with this. It’s more the physical part and easy-going communication you usually have to deal with._

The gorgeous big eyes focused on him and he could feel every tremble, every sharp exhale that came suddenly after Hyungwon held his breath and every thought that passed through the other man’s head, making his eyes jump, just like his mind was contemplating

_And you wanted him to stop. Maybe you need to knock him out for the thoughts to stop._

Hyungwon kept telling him that he was sweet and of course he had to tease, remarking that there was no way the other man knew because he has never tasted him. The reaction was more than intense, and he barely kept up, eyes jumping from the heartbeat he could see pump against the skin on Hyungwon’s neck, to his eyes, to his parted lips that whispered that he was the biscuit they had been talking about all along.

_He was talking about you?_

His eyes widened, and he swallowed, unsure how to process the information that the other man considered him a sweet but forbidden pastry.

_He wants you. That’s what you thought, but why does it feel so different? You knew that he did, but him saying it seems as if it’s so incredibly important. And not okay._

He shifted closer and licked over his lips once again, gaze settling on the other man’s face to not miss a single twitch. “Do you want to taste me?” he asked.

Hyungwon's lips were trembling as they parted, preparing to speak but not a single word came out, leaving them in thick silence and each other's scent. The big brown eyes closed for a few seconds, as if the other man hoped it would help him regain his composure, but as soon as they met his, the desire was so thick that Hoseok felt like he could taste it on his tongue without bridging the distance.

“Then… do I want to taste you? What do you think?” he whispered, reaching for Hyungwon’s face and letting his cool fingers dance over the gorgeous golden skin before tracing the thick parted lips.

A shaky breath brushed past his fingertips as Hyungwon exhaled and let his eyes flutter shut. The beautiful man seemed overwhelmed, but couldn't resist remaining close, fingers still burning hot against Hoseok's neck and lips trembling as he finally spoke.

"I wish... you didn't."

“That’s a lie.” Hoseok tilted his head and observed how difficult it seemed for the handsome man to admit a simple fact, namely that he wanted to kiss him and that he knew exactly that Hoseok wanted it too.

_Instead he tries to make it non-consensual by hoping that you don’t want it._

“Do you… want me to taste you?” he asked again, slowly tracing his lips with his tongue and hand slipping into the ash-brown hair. “What if the biscuit comes to you and lets you taste it?”

"Then-" Hyungwon's eyes opened and he swallowed, hand that was still intertwined with his tightening its grip. "Then I won't be able to resist."

_You want it so fucking much._

His hands were trembling from the sheer force he used to not lose it because he wasn’t used to this amount of tension without having any possibility to act on it.

“Do you feel how my hand is shaking? Do you know why it’s shaking?” he whispered, shifting even closer with his lower body.

Hyungwon gasped when their thighs met, because the slim man had done the same, shifting in an attempt to move closer. A careful nod followed as white teeth settled on the red bottom lip that Hoseok wanted to taste so badly.

"Because you cannot resist either."

“No, it's because I don’t want to,” he replied, using his grip on the back of Hyungwon’s head to pull the gorgeous lips against his own, goosebumps spreading all over his body when he felt the hot, soft mouth melt into his own like they were supposed to be connected all this time.

_It feels perfect, fuck._

A low hum that sounded involuntary left Hyungwon's lips and the fingers that had been carefully caressing his neck travelled higher to rake through his hair, holding on as if to keep him in place, prevent their lips from separating again. The touch felt burning hot, like a flame that burned right where their mouths met, travelling from his lips to his chest and spreading through his whole body. Hoseok exhaled sharply through his nose, unwilling to separate for a single second as he immediately searched for more proximity, shifting closer and moving his lips against Hyungwon’s mouth that felt like a hot cloud. He played with the thick bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth and let out low hums and gasps because of how fucking intense it felt.

_That’s officially the hottest kiss you ever had._

Fingers tugged at his hair as low hums that he hadn't expected filled the air, attempts to inhale but without separating their lips. There was something so desperate in the way Hyungwon pressed their bodies together, thighs brushing against each other and right hand squeezing his like they had to keep every point of contact they had. His brain was going crazy because there was the pressuring need to have all of Hyungwon, wrap around him or have him wrap around his body, to feel everything and perceive every single sensation that it gave him.

Hoseok brushed over the silky hair and broad shoulders before wrapping his arm around Hyungwon’s waist and pulling him flush against his body, tongue tracing the warm lips and tasting the gin. He wanted to taste more.

A moan was caught between them as the other man's lips parted and his body trembled in response, hand tugging at Hoseok's hair to return the same closeness again, to have their tongues meet and bury each moan that it evoked between them. There was desperation in every single motion, no matter how brief. It was in the fingers that pulled his hair, the hand that squeezed his before tracing his chest, the hips that pushed right back against his own.

_Fuck, this feels so fucking intense._

His neurons were firing nonstop without him doing anything much, but his own desperation and Hyungwon’s reactions fueled his arousal, taking seconds to become obvious. He was ravishing the delicious mouth, bodies flush and moans and gasps sounding in his ears as he rolled over and settled on top of Hyungwon’s hips, eyes immediately fluttering shut and lips finding the thick ones in a matter of seconds as if it was the only thing that mattered.

Hyungwon reacted just as obviously, firm length pushing against his ass and arms wrapping around his neck to pull him closer, one hand even tugging at his shirt when he leaned back to gasp for air.

_He wants you to take it off?_

That was easy, so he kissed the thick lips while skillfully slipping out of the fabric and only taking a super short break to pull it over his head. When the burning hands stroked along his chest and pulled at his shoulders to deepen the kiss, he realized that Hyungwon couldn't bear a break, clashing their mouths together and whimpering when his lips didn't part instantly.

_He is so fucking attractive, fuck._

“Why are you so fucking gorgeous, fuck,” he gasped and let a little more of his weight press Hyungwon into the mattress while his hands brushed over the clothed chest, playing with a nipple he could feel under his fingertips and Hyungwon’s hot tongue, moaning in between the kisses.

"I must be crazy," Hyungwon muttered in reply and reached for his hair again, tugging at it to tilt his head to the side and deepen the kiss, plump mouth playing with his bottom lip. "Jesus Christ."

_He is indeed the Jesus Christ type, isn’t he?_

Groaning at how his body was burning up while he continuously had to hold back his hip motions, Hoseok turned, making Hyungwon sit on top of his hips and sat up, grabbing the small face and licking into the delicious mouth. Damn, Hyungwon tasted so much better than he had thought. He wanted to taste it all the time.

_Like the biscuit._

The attractive man on top of him moaned and placed his palms on top of his chest before beginning to roam over it, fingers tracing his ribs and brushing over his nipples. The lean thighs kept contracting on top of him, like the mere touch of their lips was already eliminating every coherent thought that didn't involve being close to him.

"I can't stop," the low voice gasped before licking into his mouth again and pushing those round hips down on his groin. It seemed involuntary, like Hyungwon couldn't help it. "I just can't stop."

_Is that the 'we shouldn't be doing this, Mark'?_

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, one hand wrapping around the slim waist and pulling the gorgeous long body closer to his chest, giving himself friction.

Hyungwon shook his head before leaning in and licking over Hoseok's lips, slipping a hand into his hair and raking through it like he couldn't get enough. "But I should."

_This will have a terrible aftermath, won't it?_

"Give me two minutes and then I'll stop, I promise," he muttered, sinking his teeth into the soft neck and groaning at how Hyungwon pushed back against his groin.

The gorgeous man didn't reply to that and merely moaned at the sensation, gasping for air as his body shook from the arousal it must be feeling and pushed against each of Hoseok's motions.

"You're my weakness," the low voice gasped before Hyungwon tugged at his hair again to lick into his mouth. "You're the temptation."

"Imagine having two minutes with temptation? What would you do? Do it, Hyungwon. I want you to do it." Hoseok glanced at his watch, hating this whole time limit business but he knew that he would end up doing something hot and Hyungwon would probably decide to never see him again and he couldn't risk it.

_Because you want to see him again._

The handsome man paused, breathing heavily with his mouth open, pupils blown and a gorgeous blush on his cheeks. Those plump lips were swollen from kissing and Hoseok loved that he was the reason for it. Hyungwon's hands were still in his hair, tugging lightly to have him closer until there were only a few centimeters separating their lips.

"I want to hear you moan," the low voice breathed against his lips before those slim hips pushed down and Hyungwon caught the sound that left him with a kiss.

"Make me," he whispered and wrapped his hands around the round hips, pulling Hyungwon's body over himself once and rolling his eyes at how good it felt.

Biting down on his bottom lip, Hyungwon repeated the same motion, big eyes watching him intently as those plump lips parted in a moan of their own because of the brief friction they shared.

"It's different from your pretend ones," the gorgeous man whispered and brushed his hot fingertips over his nipples, his neck and finally his lips, tracing their outline as if he desired to memorize it.

"Is it?" His lips spread in a smile before Hyungwon rolled his hips and he moaned, eyes fluttering shut and hands attempting to keep the sensation going. "Fuck, you make me want to lose it so badly."

Hyungwon didn't reply but roamed over his naked chest before placing his hot hands on top of his own at the round hips. Fingers slipped in between his and applied pressure, encouraging him while soft gasps left the plump lips and friction continued to drive him mad.

_You probably have thirty seconds or something. Just give up._

Instead of giving up, he rolled Hyungwon's hips over his groin and clashed their lips together, taking everything, he could, every sound Hyungwon was making and the gorgeous body on top of him, the way the thick lips gave in under pressure or when he sucked them into his mouth and the hot hands around his own.

Hyungwon returned the vigor of his kiss, the desperation that was still there, strong enough for Hoseok to taste it while those hips kept sliding over his own. Hoseok hated everything, the fact that he couldn't just ditch his promise because of how desperate Hyungwon was about not being able to stop, that he wanted the other man so much that his body physically refused to let go and the fact that he knew he had to be the one to stop because he really wanted to see him again.

_Take the right path, you know you have to do it._

Moaning desperately at an especially intense motion, he forced his hands to hold the slim hips in place and lifted his gaze, panting and licking his lips because he wanted the warm sensation back.

"You wanted me to stop," he whispered and swallowed, dizzy from arousal. "I hate it, but here I am."

Hyungwon's lips were parted in a whimper as his hips were stopped and silence stretched between them with the exception of their own ragged breaths. Ash-brown strands stuck to the other man's forehead and pink cheeks as he visibly struggled to compose himself, body shaking and eyes jumping from his lips to his eyes and back, like he was barely able to resist.

_He's so hot. So fucking hot._

"I'm going crazy," Hyungwon whispered again and closed his eyes. "I've completely lost it, shit."

"I was the one who kissed you, so I should be the one to stop. I don't want to, I hate it so much that I want to throw things, but I want you to still talk to me after this. Will you promise that you'll still talk to me, Hyungwon?" Hoseok was whispering, unable to control his voice because of arousal that was still making him dizzy and breathless

Hyungwon held his breath and shut his eyes before nodding slowly, body still trembling and showing that the other man still felt just as drawn towards him.

"How could I punish you for something that only I condemn?" Hyungwon whispered and reached out again, carefully placing his hot palm on top of his.

_Ouch._

"I wish you wouldn't punish yourself either." Hoseok carefully wrapped his arms around the hot body, trying to calm down and think about what just happened and how the tension could've grown so thick that he wasn't able to think about anything else apart from the man with the ash-brown hair who apparently hated himself for doing something that they both desired.

_

Hoseok was prepared.

He had done his assignment, he took a pen without dicks and he touched himself two times in a row before he got going, making sure he could remain completely calm and not make it any more awkward than in already was.

_But you dreamt about him and it was not safe for work, how are you going to look at him?_

Well, like always. The fact that Hyungwon had given in once and then furiously hated himself until he went home didn't make their relationship any easier. They had this math thing going on, but Hoseok also kinda liked him because he was pure and adorable.

_He wasn't yesterday._

Two times should be enough, shouldn't it?

Inhaling deeply, he walked into the seminar room and smiled as usual, placing his backpack on the floor and his notebook on the desk. "How are you?" he asked, glancing at the curly styled hair that made Hyungwon look even more adorable.

His tutor flinched which wasn't quite like him, but apart from that only the way he fumbled with the lecture book that he accidentally closed showed that something was off.

"Alright," Hyungwon replied and fumbled with the script of the last lecture next before pointing at a definition. "We'll try to go through most of the lecture in detail because it's more complex and then-"

The tall man had lifted his gaze and finally looked at Hoseok, but as soon as he did no other words left his lips which remained parted.

"And… then?" he asked and smiled brightly. Hyungwon was too fucking handsome.

"And then… we'll do most of the tasks for the assignment on Friday," the other man finished his sentence and returned his gaze to the lecture notes as if it was easier than looking at him. "I'm glad that you seem happy."

"I'm happy to see you but why aren't you?" he asked chewing on his lips and pulled out his assignment. "I guess you're lucky today because I did it already, so you only have to torture yourself for half an hour instead of a whole hour."

_Why can't he just say that he regrets it and move on?_

"You seem to be mistaken about how I feel about teaching you math." Hyungwon sighed and massaged his nose bridge before taking a deep breath and looking at him again. "It's not torture, and it never was. Let me look at what you did."

Taking his notebook, his tutor examined the tasks he did, eyes focused and teeth playing with his plump bottom lip absentmindedly. The longer Hyungwon examined his notebook, the more obvious a genuine smile became on his lips until he finally looked up again, some of the tension from before gone.

"You're doing amazing! I can't believe you've done task 4 too even though we haven't discussed the definition yet. Is it getting easier to follow the lecture? I told you that you can do it, Hoseok!" Grinning, Hyungwon squeezed his shoulder before pointing at the third task. "But there is a mistake here and you'll have to find it in the next five minutes."

_He's so happy talking about math._

Sighing briefly, Hoseok nodded and glanced at his watch before taking the sheet and examining everything quickly. It took him quite some time to find it, but he pushed the assignment back towards his tutor, acting as if he didn't. "No idea."

Hyungwon had obviously been staring at his face as brown eyes widened when Hoseok suddenly handed him the sheet before quickly refocusing and pretending that nothing happened. A faint blush on his tutor's cheeks was another sign that he had seen correctly.

"Would you like to go through it together then?" Hyungwon muttered and brushed through his bangs, teeth abusing his bottom lip again.

"Yeah." Hoseok leaned on his palm and observed his tutor who he forced to explain everything to him again even though he had found the mistake already. Approximately in the middle of the explanation Hoseok couldn't handle the bullshit he’d started and pointed at the mistake. "I found it before. I just wanted to listen to you talk."

Hyungwon paused and looked up at him, eyes wide in surprise and expression difficult to read.

"But why?" his tutor asked eventually and moved the sheet of paper to the side, putting the focus on the two of them instead of the tasks he had been explaining.

"Because you look happy and not awkward at all when you talk about math."

Hyungwon sighed before leaning back in his chair. "That's because it makes sense while everything else doesn't. It's simple and has clear rules and there's never anybody coming by and deciding that math is bullshit after all."

"I would clearly state that I'm the one coming by and saying that math is bullshit and I'm only here to pass my exam, so there are indeed people who do that. It's me, I'm people. I'm probably also the one who doesn't make sense to you. Excuse my lack of character." Grinning briefly, he leaned back against the chair and played with his pen, suddenly sad that he didn't bring the dick one.

"There's nothing you have to apologize for, Hoseok." Hyungwon licked over his lips and finally turned towards him properly without shielding himself with a thick book on mathematics. There was hesitation and a hint of guilt on the beautiful face and for a short moment it looked like Hyungwon wanted to take his hand. "You're not the one who doesn't make sense to me, I am. You make perfect sense, you're easy going and who am I to judge your preferences? I can only make decisions for myself. As you said, choose a pathway and deal with the consequences."

_Your preferences? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?_

Inhaling deeply to not get angry, he pulled one leg under his body and stared, trying to make sense of the bullshit Hyungwon was talking.

"Excuse me, what?"

His tutor bit down on his bottom lip and glanced towards the wall, as if he struggled with looking at him for too long.

"You don't mind- being close to somebody like me and I envy that, but I cannot choose the same for myself because something else was chosen for me." Holding his breath, Hyungwon fumbled with the book again before meeting his gaze. There was insecurity and like the other man didn't know how to explain himself, struggling with the right words. "No matter what I might be wanting, I shouldn't."

_He shouldn't?_

"Isn't it easier to just be honest and say that you regret it and don't want to do it again? Why make up a story about some divine force that doesn't let you enjoy your student's attractive body? Anyways. This is not a counselling session for me, so I guess we should do some math." Ruffling up his hair to get some of his anger out of his system, Hoseok pointed at the same definition that Hyungwon started with awkwardly. "Please explain."

Instead of smoothly returning to his explanation, his tutor let his big eyes flutter shut and took a few quick breaths through his nose, fingers curling up and applying pressure until he finally relaxed and opened his eyes again.

"Did I say something hurtful?" Hyungwon asked eventually but kept his gaze on the lecture notes. The big hand was shaking as it reached out to grab a pen.

"Maybe?" he murmured and started reading to occupy himself.

Silence stretched between them as not even the sheets of paper rustled in his tutor's hands. Hyungwon sat there perfectly immobile while staring at the table in front of him, but without appearing to see what was actually on it. The frequency of the other man's breaths wasn't usual, but Hoseok didn't think much of it until he suddenly saw a drop land on the wooden surface from the corner of his eye, followed by Hyungwon inhaling quickly and sinking the fingers of his right hand into his bangs.

"I'm sorry," the low voice murmured, barely audible. "I'm so sorry for being like this, Hoseok."

_Is he crying? Oh fuck._

Hoseok could be extremely mean when hurt and he knew it, but he didn't think that his reaction would cause the person next to him to cry. He just said what he thought and assumed that Hyungwon would find it easier to move on if he addressed the issue.

"Why - damn, why would you be sorry? I'm sorry for making you cry. Don't cry, okay? It'll be fine and I'll be a good boy and not provoke you, okay? I'll try to not be mean." He shifted closer and wrapped an arm around the broad shoulders, reaching for the handsome face and wiping some of the tears.

Hyungwon cried silently with the exception of shaky breaths that passed through his ribcage. Tear-filled eyes met his, but the other man didn't say anything, merely shaking in his embrace as if it was too much to bear, all of it.

"Nothing's fine," the low voice whispered eventually as lean arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer. "Nothing's fucking fine, Hoseok. But it's not your fault and I don't know how to make you understand."

_Why does he keep telling you that it's not you when it obviously is? Is he trying to be nice?_

"Shh, I see that I'm not the victim, I'm sorry. I have no idea what's going on but I'm still sorry because you shouldn't be crying and feeling bad about any of this. That's not the way it usually goes." He wrapped both arms around Hyungwon's waist and held him quietly, one hand reaching for his ash-brown hair at some point and stroking over it gently. He couldn't remember the last time that somebody cried so desperately next to him.

"I can't help it," Hyungwon muttered and fisted his shirt helplessly as tears soaked the thin fabric. "I just can't help it no matter what I do. You wanted me to let go of my thoughts, my inhibitions, but now I can't get them back no matter what I try. I can't think of anything else, Hoseok, nothing at all."

_Is he… suffering because of what happened? But why?_

"You can't think of anything else? Because of what happened? Do you feel bad about it? I'm not judging you if you want to forget it, I'm not sure I can play along well, but I can try?" he pressed out, playing with Hyungwon's soft hair and enjoying the other man's scent like a creep.

"I can't forget it, Hoseok." Hyungwon buried his nose in the crook of his neck and he felt the other man's wet lips on his skin, shaking as he seemed to be suffering from something he couldn't explain. "I thought it's only because I'm inexperienced, but it's not. I know that it's not and there is no excuse, I have no excuse which makes me- unworthy. Unworthy of everything."

"What kind of bullshit is that? Why would you be unworthy, Hyungwon? I told you you're worthy just by existing and it doesn't matter what you are doing. I will fight anybody who says that you're unworthy and if it comes down to it I will fight you too." He pulled the handsome man closer, gently brushing over his hair and shoulders and trying to give as much comfort as he could while a thought kept circling in his mind, making him experience a sudden bitterness that he didn't know before.

_It's the first time that a person considers the wish to be close to you something that makes them unworthy of everything._

_As if you are the reason that he considers it wrong._

_

"What happened? Is it still about your math tutor?" Kihyun touched his glass with so much vigor that the rum almost spilled on his black ripped jeans. The pretty eyes settled on his face and the other man pressed his lips together, making his chin look like a walnut. Cute.

"Don't know. He's weird. He makes me feel bad about things I shouldn't feel bad about."

"Like what? Your incompetence? But you should feel bad about it, Hoseok. That's why you need to improve." His friend chuckled, unable to understand his cryptic messages.

"No. I'm good. It's something else."

_Something that you can't really name. Apart from the fact that he makes you feel bad by persuading you that it's not your fault but at the same time it kinda is._

The memory of the other man's warm tears still lingered on his mind, reminding him of how overwhelmed he was that Hyungwon cried, talking about being unable to stop and being unworthy of everything.

_Because he was close to you. This is so fucked up._

_Wait. It's guilt, isn't it? He feels guilty. But why?_

"Kihyun, tell me three reasons for feeling guilty after a super hot make out session." He stared at the other man who almost choked on his rum.

"Uhm, reasons for feeling guilty? The fact that I skipped a lecture for that, but that's not very prominent guilt, uuuuh, if I accidentally did something the other person didn't like or the classic, cheating. I think cheating causes the most guilt." Kihyun nodded and he suddenly started to understand.

_He was cheating? It makes so much sense, fuck._

The whole helplessness, the wish to be close but inability to do so, the bullshit about it's not you it's me and 'we shouldn't be doing this, Mark'. All of it made sense.

_He cheated with you?_

Not that Hoseok considered anything above the underwear line cheating, but many people had moral attitudes that implied that cheating meant having bodily contact, sharing spit and everything above.

_That's why he's so guilty and feels unworthy. Great._

So his tutor was in a relationship. Oh well.

Sighing, he touched glasses with Kihyun and emptied his rum. "Cheating, huh?"

"Are you ruining relationships again?" His best friend shook his head and grinned, reminding him of the start of semester where there was a whole drama with a guy who he slept with who happened to be in a relationship with a girl and that girl confronted him crying and accusing him of ruining her life. She should have been thankful that the guy came out before they were married for twenty years and had a thousand kids.

_People love to blame others when their life doesn't go the way they want it to._

"I don't know. I'm just very tempting, I guess. _The temptation_." He grinned and put his hand into the pocket of his jeans, belatedly realizing that he forgot his keys and his parents were out until four in the morning.

"I'm so dumb, I forgot my keys. Do you know if Lien is home? Maybe I can chill at her place until my parents get home."

"No idea. Just pop by, it's not midnight yet." Kihyun smiled and gave him a hug before disappearing in the crowd.

_Who knows, maybe you'll meet him in the hallway._

***

_You broke it, just like you anticipated._

His dorm room was pitch black and this time it felt like even the street lamp outside the window had given up on him, barely casting shadows of passing cars on his walls. Not even his neighbour provided him with distraction, leaving suffocating silence that crawled up his throat and constricted it as if it had hands.

Hyungwon felt like a child, unable to follow simple advice, no matter if it was his own or somebody else's. He was like the toddler that kept watching the big glass of biscuits on top of the shelf and couldn't look away, moving closer even though he knew exactly that getting closer only made it harder to pull his hands away. He had climbed up all the way until the glass ended up in his hands, close enough to inhale the scent and forget what it was that could happen if he broke his promise of not taking it.

It always started simple, didn't it? Breaking a promise once meant that it got easier and easier to do it again, until it became meaningless, just like everything that he believed in.

His chest burned, and he squeezed his eyes shut to calm down and stop thinking, to postpone the thinking until Saturday when he would be confronted with touching the glass jar and letting it break by carelessly dropping it on the ground.

_Because it's not only about touching it, but about all the people that you hurt by doing it._

His inhibitions were a protection before, a way to avoid whatever was happening inside his head because of his upbringing. Now there was nothing left but associations, knowledge of how the biscuit tasted and what a terrible human being he was for acting on sudden urges without considering the feelings of others and expectations that he had to fulfil.

_That's how easy it is to ruin everything, one step, no matter how hard you were trying before._

It seemed to be like a weak lamp, fed by electricity through good deeds, but a single mistake could cut the cord and there was nothing he could do about it. Hyungwon had cut the cord by succumbing to whatever alcohol had told him was a good idea.

_Why did you agree to abandon your inhibitions? Don't you know what's happening in your head, why you stay away from these situations?_

Maybe he was really a child, ignoring all warnings with the naive belief that it would be alright in the end. Hyungwon had received a gift and he repaid it by spitting into the face of his benefactor.

Again, his breaths hitched, eyes burning and he rubbed over them in a quick motion and sat up. The darkness wasn't helping him to think of something else, to forget the mixture of bitterness and sweet berries on his tongue and ignore the way his body had burned up from the inside like a candle lit by a single breath of another person. It was supposed to be human, desire as it was written in every book, but it was a desire he shouldn't have been feeling, shouldn't have acted on.

_And you couldn't even stop. It wasn't you saving yourself, it was him saving you from your own thoughts._

Hyungwon wished that he could return to his previous thoughts, to fascination that was fueled by associations but didn't break everything he had been working on for years.

_'If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.'_

Hyungwon should have known better, perfectly aware of what he was supposed to do and what he did. That was the sin in temptation, it had to be resisted.

_You were not in your right mind, but you still acted. How are you supposed to undo this? You have to ask for forgiveness._

Wiping over his eyes because tears of self-pity were just as shameful, Hyungwon climbed out of bed and held onto the wall for a few seconds, holding his breath and calming himself. There was no way that he could fall asleep like this, forget what he had done and the shame of breaking down and making Hoseok feel responsible for his misery even though the younger man had his own path to follow, his own path that he chose and acted upon.

_It's your own issues and they have nothing to do with him, so don't make him suffer for your own decisions._

Licking his lips briefly because they burned from memories, Hyungwon brushed through his messy hair and made his way towards the kitchen. He didn't bother to close his dorm room because it was in the middle of the night on a Thursday. Most of the students were either out to celebrate or sleeping soundly in their rooms as Hyungwon should have been.

The hallway was pitch black and cold, biting at the thin fabric of his pajamas and Hyungwon welcomed the distraction, shivering briefly as he finally reached the kitchen. Instead of being just as dark, the small lamp in the sitting corner was burning and covered the area in a dim, red light.

_Someone must be awake._

His body froze, uncomfortable about company when he couldn't even bear his own. A figure was sitting on one of the kitchen chairs instead of the more comfortable couches, head resting against the plain white wall, legs stretched out and spread for comfort. Hyungwon instantly glanced away, guilty for letting his eyes explore that way. He remained standing at the door frame, thankful that the other man had not seen him yet.

The spread legs were covered in ripped jeans and a glance further up revealed a blue shirt with the first two buttons opened. Despite the red light, the man mostly remained in darkness, causing a strange sensation in the pit of Hyungwon's stomach. The jacket that hung on the back of a chair told Hyungwon that it couldn't be somebody from the dorm, but a visitor.

_Why is your heart beating so fast?_

He dared to step closer, wondering if the visitor was asleep as the muscular body seemed relaxed, tugging at something in his memories and making him feel strangely hot despite the cold air.

_Why are you coming closer? The memories have nothing to do with this._

He stopped halfway and took a deep breath, sound too loud for the silent kitchen and hated the way his hands shivered. As soon as the air passed through his lips, the man on the chair shifted, reacting to the noise and turned a little, black eyes instantly travelling over to his eyes and pale face revealing the reason for his reaction.

"Can't sleep?" the low voice asked followed by a smile, shadows playing on the handsome face.

Hyungwon stared, unable to help the way heat seeped into the pit of his stomach. It was a mixture of the way he reacted to Hoseok's smile and the memories that instantly filled his mind, the scent that he knew was right there, in the crook of the other man's neck and the cold sensation that those delicate hands provided.

_It's the knowledge that's dangerous, the knowledge of what it feels like._

He nodded and bit down on his bottom lip before glancing to the side, suddenly unstable on his own two feet. His face was burning, and a hint of fear joined his previous guilt, fear of how he might react.

"I see. I wanted to visit Lien because I forgot my house key, but she's out, so I thought I'd wait in this kitchen because I like it more than the one on the first floor. Please don't report me." Again, the curved lips spread in a smile and Hoseok put both hands into the pockets of his jeans, slipping a little lower on the chair.

_His smile keeps pulling you in, no matter what you do._

"Why would I do that?" he murmured and didn't know what to do with himself. Should he come closer and sit down as well? Was it better to invite the other man into his room as it was warmer?

_You're acting differently next to him, even though it's not his fault that you made a mistake you cannot undo. Every other person would have reacted appropriately in that situation, so why did it have to be you?_

"How long do you still have to wait? Would you like to wait in my room then? It's warmer," he proposed and pointed at the kitchen windows that didn't even fog over because the heating was barely working.

_Only that you cannot feel it because you're burning from the inside._

"Oh, my parents will be home at three, just got a message from my mom. It's a long time, I mean, you need to sleep. But then again it's fucking cold in here, my hands feel like I'm a snowman and I'm not selfless enough to say no and give you the peace of mind that you were nice and asked." Hoseok's gaze didn't leave him, not even for a second, penetrating and intense.

_He must be freezing while you are still wallowing in self-pity. If you hadn't reacted the way you did, he might have contacted you, like a friend._

"Don't worry about it, come on," he replied and gestured for Hoseok to follow him, still feeling hot even though goosebumps should have been spreading along his naked skin. "You can stay if you like, you also need sleep."

_Are you testing yourself? Making it harder just to show that you can deal with this?_

The way the other man's perfect eyebrows rose at his suggestion seemed to indicate that Hoseok must have guessed that it was hard for him.

"I'll leave at three, don't worry. Wouldn't want to make you feel even worse, right? You're so nice to me already." Hoseok grabbed his jacket and followed him, some kind of alcohol scent entering his nose combined with the usual berries that Hoseok loved so much.

_Has he been drinking?_

Hyungwon decided not to ask while being perfectly aware of the fact that Hoseok must have assumed wrongly again.

_He still thinks it's him even though it's the way you think about it._

"You're not making me feel worse, I am," he replied and sighed before opening his dorm room and turning on the light. He had learned from his mistakes.

"Doesn't matter to be honest. Fact is that you feel bad." Hoseok threw his jacket on the chair and himself on the bed, pointing at the other side with a grin. "Enough space? Or do you need more?"

_He's trying so hard even though it must be so strange for him._

"It's fine," he replied and climbed on top of the bed, listening to it screech loudly which tugged at the corners of Hoseok's lips. He really wanted the other man to smile again and feel at ease, just like before without Hyungwon feeling like he ruined everything.

_Is this how people break friendships?_

"It's fine unless you changed your opinion on being a murderer," he added and smiled before crossing his legs on the bed and getting a little more comfortable. His body still burned, but the light made it easier. "I actually like your presence, I told you before. I'm sorry if it seems like I don't want to have anything to do with you. That's not true."

"Mhm, let's lift your mood a bit. You tell me an embarrassing story from your life and I'll tell you an embarrassing story, so we can laugh about each other's stupidity." Hoseok smiled, head leaning against the wall and glancing at him.

_There's a bunch of them, isn't there? But you can't really talk about it._

Hyungwon chuckled and leaned to the side to rest his head against one of the shelves above the bed.

"I fear most of them involve you, so you already know. But there was a time that I broke a vase and I thought caramel is sticky and can replace glue, so I chewed a whole package of those caramel candies and tried to use them to fix it. It was pretty disgusting to be honest."

"Excuse me, you did what? I don't think I've ever thought about doing something like that. When I broke something I just went to my mom and screamed 'BROKEN' at her. My story doesn't fit this theme, but I'll still tell you because I still get teased about it to this day. So, I thought it would be super fun to record myself having sex, so I did that, putting it on the hard drive. Into the family video folder. By accident. And then my parents decided to watch their holiday trip and clicked through the videos. Yeah." The other man chuckled and held his nose bridge, shy smile present for the first time since they've met.

"My parents would have burned me in front of the neighborhood church or something," he muttered, getting shivers from the mere image of something similar happening to him. His father would have been so disappointed, having that expression that Hyungwon could hardly bear. He had seen it only recently, when he delayed another meeting with Sarah because he couldn't deal with their last encounter.

_That would be an embarrassing story, but you cannot share it. It's too fresh._

"That's a little extreme, isn't it? My parents just tease me about it and call me actor Hoseok, so if you hear that, you know what it's about." Spreading his legs a bit, the other man put one of his hands into the big rip on his thigh. "What did you do today? Tell me."

_Hate yourself mostly._

Hyungwon grimaced a little at the sad sum up of his day and brushed through his messy hair, attempting to calm it now that he wasn't tossing and turning on his bed by himself but had company.

"I went swimming in the morning, went to lectures and tried to focus on math until I couldn't keep my eyes open and then I lay in bed as they opened and decided not to close anymore. I was desperate and hoped to distract myself with something to eat or a glass of water in the kitchen but found you instead." He didn't know if he really wanted to talk about how difficult his day was, so he decided to switch the topic a little. "Funny that your parents call you an actor considering that it was also my impression after you came here for the first time. Did you pretend on that video instead of being real?"

_Because you know that his real reaction differs from when he pretends._

"Pretending is hard if you're balls deep inside a hot body, so no, I don't think so. But regarding your swimming routine, you need to consider going to the sauna some time because the way the heat calms your thoughts is really amazing. I thought of going today in the morning, but I didn't want you to think that I was trying to make you feel like shit on purpose, so I didn't. Considerate, right? So unlike myself." The other man let his other hand slip into a different rip and stared at him through his spread legs.

Hyungwon couldn't help the way his eyes followed the motion and the subsequent heat made him swallow.

"I fear that I feel hot enough without going to the sauna," he muttered and brushed through his hair to remove it from his hot forehead and provide it with more air to cool down. "You don't have to avoid me, I told you. If you want to go swimming, then go and if you want to talk to me, feel free to do so. When I apologized for hurting you, I said that you are welcome anytime and I don't take that back. It still applies."

_Because he's a good person and you are punishing him for a crime he didn't commit. He doesn't even understand what your real problem is._

"Do you think that I'm stupid, Hyungwon?" the low voice asked as the other man sat up straight and crossed his legs to see him better. "Because I'm definitely not and I know that you're guilt tripping yourself, so just tell me that you regret it, that you don't want to repeat it, that you think that it was a mistake and that I shouldn't get close to you. I can deal with that. I just can't deal with the way you beat yourself up while your eyes are looking at me like that. It makes me want to taste you."

_He can see it, you can't pretend that everything is fine._

"I feel guilty about giving in, but that doesn't mean that I want you to stay away from me. I- I don't, Hoseok." He bit down on his bottom lip and shifted again, feeling the dark eyes on him. Hyungwon had thought that the light would help, but it still felt just as pressuring as it had before. "I want to keep meeting up and I enjoy your company, I just feel bad for constantly thinking of the way your lips taste and the scent of your skin. I don't think that's what usually happens when guys hang out."

"Guys… usually… hang out?" Hoseok looked dumbfounded, expression blank before reaching for his own face and covering it with his palm.

"I mean- what do you usually do when you hang out with friends? Changkyun and me exchange random stories, he tells me about his party experience and we talk about how to make sure our parents become a little less stuck up. That's what we usually do, but with you I have no game plan at all. I just react and end up being weird."

_Because it's not just about him being a guy, it's about him being the way he is. Something makes it more difficult for you even though you've been trying to get a grip since starting college._

"You want to be my friend? Damn, why am I doing this to myself? I don't have a set plan that I do with my friends because they're all different and have various moods and things that make them act in this or that way. We're not staring at each other, creating tension so thick that we can't breathe only to be all over each other as soon as one of us cracks. That's not it."

_Then why does it keep happening?_

Suddenly Hoseok shifted closer, eyes focused on his face. “How does this feel?” the other man whispered before shifting another bit, "and this?"

The air got stuck on the way to his lungs and it felt like the painful burning was just a side effect of the heat that returned all on its own. The feeling was similar, the proximity and the black eyes watching him, the breathlessness he felt even though nothing was happening. They were supposed to just talk and be casual with each other, make each other smile, so why was he burning instead?

_What is it about him that makes you feel this way? What is it?_

It couldn't be the action alone. Had anybody else leaned in, he wouldn't have cared much and pushed them away, maybe laughed at the ridiculous attempt to make him nervous. Would he react that way with Sarah? He couldn't tell, but he knew that it wasn't the same.

_Because something happened, because you know what it feels like._

Hyungwon knew what temptation felt like, how it tasted on his tongue and what might happen as soon as he gave in.

_But you won't. You can't._

"Like I'm burning from the inside," he replied eventually, speaking the truth because Hoseok had to deal with enough of his issues.

"Because I'm such a good friend, right?" Hoseok leaned forward until their faces were a few centimeters apart and smiled. "I'm so happy that I can make you feel warm."

Hyungwon gasped, limbs trembling and felt pressure build up in his stomach like a knot that squeezed all of his insides together.

"I- I don't know why this is happening, Hoseok," he forced out and let his eyes flutter shut to keep his composure. Hoseok was too close. Hyungwon knew too much about how it felt to be even closer, it confused him and made his body respond even though he shouldn't have been. He had wanted to prove to himself that he could bear it, but the younger man showed him so easily how untrue that was. They were close, but already he could barely breathe, and his lips trembled from thoughts of what could happen, could but shouldn't happen. "I just don't know."

"You don't know? It's called attraction. You're attracted to me. You want to touch me, and you want to kiss me and I can see it. The only thing I don't understand is the whole self-blaming and loathing when it's something completely normal. I'm a tease, you're sensitive, here you have the result," the other man whispered and gestured between them. "I really hate this whole bullshitting around it, so yes, I want you, I'm attracted to you and you sitting here with your ragged breaths and messy hair makes me want to pin you to the mattress and ravish you until you won't be able to say a single word apart from moans. But I don't want it if it ends with self-hate. That's the only reason there's space between us right now."

_Oh no._

His hands tightened in the sheets he wasn't aware of holding and the way he leaned back caused the bed to creak loud enough for him to jerk in shock. He didn't know what terrified him more, the implications of Hoseok's words or how close they were, how easily the brunette fueled whatever was going on inside of him without appearing to struggle himself.

_He can see it, he sees exactly how you react and draws the conclusion that everybody but you would draw._

"I can't be attracted," he muttered and knew exactly how helpless it sounded, like a child that denied committing a wrongdoing. But it couldn't be true. The alcohol had lowered his inhibitions, but that didn't mean that he would act the same way without it. It only got harder, but not impossible. Hyungwon had to give himself the experience he was lacking and go on the path that was decided for him instead of getting lost along the way. It was his fault for not acting sooner, for letting it get this far to send mixed signals. "It must be… because I don't know better. You said it yourself, I'm sensitive. I must be going mad even though I wouldn't usually. It's the situation and the alcohol only broke my inhibitions. I just- have to get them back somehow, find an alternative to not torture you like this."

Hoseok stared at him for a long time before exhaling sharply and moving back. "You mentioned that I can stay over, I'll do that then. You said that you can't be attracted to me, so it's fine, right?" The other man started unbuttoning his shirt and threw it on the chair before loosening the button on his ripped jeans and sliding them down his muscular legs.

Hyungwon stared, instantly stuttering to ask Hoseok what he was doing until he stopped himself, realizing how embarrassing that was.

_You told him yourself that you don't mind being undressed next to another guy, but here you are stuttering and staring._

He glanced at the plain shelves above his bed and tried to catch his breath, wondering whether this was a test, checking whether he could resist after making his first mistake.

"I'm sorry for constantly sending mixed signals, Hoseok," he whispered eventually and undid the first two buttons on his shirt because he felt so hot. "It must be my inexperience, so obvious to you as somebody who knows what he wants. I'm not used to being that close, no matter who the person is. My body must be getting confused."

_Desperate, it's becoming desperate._

"Fuck, I'm so furious. I would love to take my shit and leave, but I won't give you the satisfaction of pulling the self-loathing agenda, so you'll sleep next to me instead. Say thank you that I'm leaving my underwear on because I usually sleep without," Hoseok hissed and threw his clothes on the chair before laying on the bed, across from him, black eyes piercing him.

"Thank you," he breathed out, not knowing what else to say. Hyungwon had no idea how to calm Hoseok's anger and how to make him feel better. He wasn't even sure what exactly had caused the frustration.

_That's a lie. You know exactly what it is. Your undecided behavior, reacting to his touch but pushing him away._

"I don't know how to explain it to you, Hoseok," he tried again and shifted to give Hoseok enough space to stretch out his legs if he wanted to. The bed screeched with every motion as if to remind him of how close the other man was. "I can't just go around kissing you. I hurt people by doing that."

_And you ruin all the faith that was put into you as a person, the expectations you have to fulfil._

"Shut up and come here," the low voice ordered. "You make no fucking sense and I don't expect you to go around kissing me. I wanted you to show that you have spine and be honest but that was a major fail, so just come here and let's sleep before I do anything stupid because I'm angry."

_You must be hurting him with what you said. Again._

Again, he felt guilty, this time for hurting another person he cared about. It seemed like he just didn't know how to make the right decisions, to kiss the person he was supposed to kiss while befriending another that he was not supposed to be reacting to. All those expectations and the inability to keep up was driving him mad. Hyungwon wanted to reach out and bury his face in the scent of berries and cigarette smoke, mixed with a hint of alcohol. Why couldn't he just stop thinking for once, to forget about everything and enjoy the sensation of cold hands that could finally calm his burning skin?

_Because you know that it will only get worse. The closer you get the more the glass jar in your hands begins to crack._

Shaking because he was trying to contain his response, Hyungwon crawled over the thin blanket as the bed announced each of his motions. His body was still burning like a flame, making his hands clammy and his mouth dry. Hoseok lifted the blanket as soon as he got close enough and he joined the mostly naked body, hating how relieving it felt.

_That's the danger of it, how good it feels to give in._

"I love your bed," Hoseok whispered into his ear because they were so close and put an arm under his head. He couldn't smell anything apart from Hoseok's scent because the other man's lack of clothes made it so much more obvious. "Comfy? I'm sorry in advance for my sleeping habits. Or, you know what, I'm not."

_Why do you like this so much? Is it okay to enjoy this or is it already too much?_

"Don't you mind the sounds?" he asked quietly and slipped a little lower to rest his head on the pillow and feel Hoseok's muscular arm at his back. Even though the other man was mostly naked, Hyungwon's skin still felt like fire in comparison. His heart was beating furiously and he hoped that Hoseok couldn't tell. He missed the cold hands, so much that his breath hitched at the mere image of feeling them again.

"You make better sounds, but I'll take what I can get," Hoseok whispered and used the grip to pull him closer. "At least I won't be cold because my friend has such good circulation."

_He sounds so hurt, just like back then in the kitchen. Is it because you are pushing him away again? Forcing him to bear the consequences of your decisions?_

"I prefer yours, the real ones," he dared to reply, speaking the truth and feeling the weight of it in the air, like an admission that was costly. "I feel like I'm melting wax, unable to bear the heat."

"But I'm rather cold. On the bright side I might get warm from being angry at you." Contrary to his words, the muscular body shifted closer, eliminating the distance between them.

Hyungwon held his breath, overwhelmed by how good it felt to have the other man close enough to breathe nothing but him, body heat transferring between them.

"I'm sorry for making you angry," he murmured and closed his eyes, focusing on the naked skin that brushed over his fingers from being so close. "I prefer your cold, it seems to be the only thing that calms me down."

_The only thing that can satisfy the yearning you feel. Why does nothing else help?_

"I'm calming you down? That's new." Hoseok chuckled and reached for his neck, sinking his cold fingers into his hair slowly. "Like this?"

Hyungwon gasped out loud, sound breathy and remaining in the air as a reminder of how easily he reacted to Hoseok. His eyes opened, and he met the other man's black ones, staring back and realizing that the light didn't help him in any way. The feeling stayed the same, just like his body moved closer all on its own without asking him for permission.

_Are you breaking something already? Only by being close like this?_

"Do you think being close like this is already forbidden?" he whispered and reached out, fingertips brushing over the younger man's lips and jaw in return. He didn't know why he needed to feel it, but it seemed so much more real as soon as he did.

"Forbidden? Aren't things usually forbidden that hurt you? Does it hurt?" The low voice made Hoseok's curved lips vibrate against his fingertips as the other man's cold fingers stroked over his ear and neck, so in contrast with his warm muscular body.

_It feels too good, that's why it must be forbidden._

He shook his head and swallowed as his hands still traced the other man's jaw and slipped down to his naked chest. "But- it might hurt somebody else. I… I never thought I might end up doing something like this, Hoseok. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anybody."

"Then you need to decide whether my proximity is worth it. What does it give you and how much do you want it?" Hoseok was being so gentle, playing with his hair and the burning skin of his nape while sending shivers down his spine.

_How much do you want it?_

Hyungwon was scared of the answer to that question. It seemed like there was no reply, none that took away the guilt and the knowledge that he was doing something he wasn't supposed to.

"It makes me feel," he whispered, daring to admit to the turmoil in his chest and his body, the yearning he had never felt before, no matter who he was close to. He didn't know if he could feel that way again, but he knew that he could feel it next to Hoseok. Only that he wasn't meant to. "But I'm terrified because it seems like the things that should make me feel this way don't."

_Like you are a broken example of a man._

"It makes me happy," Hoseok whispered, gorgeous genuine smile spreading the slightly pink cheeks. "I really like that it makes you feel because it's similar for me. Usually it's- let's say less intimate."

"I- I don't know, I've never done anything like this before," Hyungwon muttered, aware that the kisses he shared with one other person didn't count. It wasn't the same and his body had never responded like this simply because cold fingertips brushed over his neck and played with his hair. The smile made him weak too. He yearned to be even closer and see it again, to find out how it tastes in addition to how beautiful it looks.

_But that is too much and you know it._

"Is it okay to be close like this? Without crossing any boundaries?" He knew how tricky his question was, how cowardly it was to let Hoseok decide whether he was doing something he shouldn't have. Was it curiosity? Simple human need? Did he need to satisfy it to return to feeling the way he was supposed to feel?

"Any? You're definitely not crossing mine. At least not with your proximity. Rather with the things you say. I was so angry five minutes ago, but look at me now, I'm being such a good boy only because you're stroking over my skin and look at me with your big shiny eyes."

_You couldn't move away, even if you had to._

"I can't resist," he breathed out, not daring to say it loud enough to matter. He didn't want it to matter. Hyungwon wanted it to be meaningless, because if it was true it meant that he wouldn't be able to resist another time. It seemed like if Hoseok decided to act, there would be nothing stopping him from responding and that thought terrified him beyond belief.

_As if you are a monster that merely follows a desire, abandoning all decency._

"But can't it be okay to just be close like this, to know that I shouldn't, but at the same time to keep the boundary that's still there?" He shut his eyes and slipped even closer, feeling Hoseok's muscular thighs against his clothed ones. It seemed like he could barely breathe when he leaned into the touch of Hoseok's hands, focusing on the way they left an icy trail on his skin. His own hands roamed over Hoseok's chest, slow and careful, without touching too much but unable to stay away.

_Why him, Hyungwon? Why not the person that was chosen for you?_

"What boundary? What boundary is still there?" He could hear the change in Hoseok's voice, the way it got breathy accompanied by goosebumps on the other man's skin. "Tell me how to make it okay."

_How can he make it okay, Hyungwon?_

He didn't know. Before, he had felt embarrassed about reacting, but guilt had never been on his mind because he didn't do the things he was meant to do with somebody else.

_He's not the person you should be kissing, but is it okay to feel his hands?_

It sounded like an excuse, a way to separate what Hyungwon shared with the person that was chosen for him and the need for proximity that he felt next to Hoseok. If they didn't kiss, did that make it okay?

"I- I can't kiss you," he breathed out and let his eyes flutter shut. He hated how it made him feel, like he was losing something instead of gaining his decency. "I'm promised to somebody else. But-"

_But what, Hyungwon? What could you possibly say that would make this okay?_

"I know. Even though I really hate how the 'promised' bit sounds, but I know. You're taken but you can't help feeling this way." Traveling over his lips and jaw with his one hand, Hoseok pulled him closer with the other, whispering the words accompanied by sweet exhales that made him dizzy.

Hyungwon wanted it so much, the hands on his body, the lips on his skin. He knew it and he recognized it. It was the same tingling sensation in his fingertips, the same burning in his chest and the same hint of arousal that he experienced under the influence.

_Only that you are able to resist it now, but why do you hate it so much? Are you already rotten, lost to all common sense?_

"I don't know how to act, Hoseok. I don't want to push you away, but I'm afraid of pulling you too close. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to hurt you either." Desperation returned along with the same fear from before, the fear that he has already broken something and couldn't repair it anymore. That he couldn't return to the way he had been living and thinking before and that all his efforts became worthless, just like he turned into somebody ungrateful for the gift of life he received.

"Do you feel better when you don't touch me? Do you feel happy when you don't stroke over my hair and lean so close that you can feel my exhales against your lips, remembering the way they taste? Does this make you unhappy? Devastated? Do you wish I was gone?" The other man's gaze was piercing him as the words left the curved mouth. Hoseok's hands were roaming over his sides and his neck, playing with his hair and tracing the shell of his ear.

Hyungwon swallowed, trembling from the mere memory of how Hoseok's lips tasted, how soft they had been against his own, applying pressure as their bodies melted into each other like sand into the sea. How could he say that felt unhappy when he did it, that he wanted Hoseok to leave? As soon as the other man wasn't next to him there was only guilt, guilt about what he had done and guilt for wanting to do it again, to forget himself in the same bitter drink and having an excuse to let go of his inhibitions.

"I don't," he muttered, "I don't. I don't want you to be gone and I don't feel better when I don't touch you. I feel worse because I keep thinking about it while hating myself for not being able to forget." His eyes burned and he reached out to wrap his arms around Hoseok's neck, to bury his face in the transition to the warm shoulder and inhale the scent that he mentally begged to drown in. He felt so helpless that he wanted to cry.

"I don't think I've ever dealt with anything like this. I know that you want me, but you don't accept it and you look so devastated and sad. I can't accept those reasons you have because they don't make any sense and because they make you miserable, but…" Hoseok sighed and stroked over his head before leaning down and placing a kiss on his forehead, warm and soft like a cloud. "Even if I kind of hate you for the things you say, I still want to be close to you because you're gorgeous and because I'm a clown."

Hyungwon didn't say anything as he felt hot liquid collect in his eyes and run down his cheeks. He tried to lift his head to keep it from touching the pale skin of Hoseok's shoulders, but wasn't fast enough, shoulders shaking from the effort to contain the tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and wished that he could explain it without making it true, without admitting what was wrong with him. "I'm so sorry."

"Ay, you're a liar, aren't you? Didn't you say that you don't feel bad when you're next to me? Seems as if you constantly feel bad when you're with me." Hoseok placed another kiss on the top of his head before shifting downwards and wrapping his arms tightly around his body, one hand stroking over his head and warmed up cheeks rubbing over his wet ones. "Don't worry I won't kiss you, I promise. I kept my promise last time too!"

Hyungwon hugged back, knowing that the comfort he received from the muscular arms was so much more than he deserved for his actions.

"I'm crying because I feel so good next to you," he murmured and wished that he could fall asleep and forget about everything, his desires, his sins and the fact that he was abandoning the reason for being alive in the first place. "So good that it makes me abandon all of my beliefs."

"Please abandon them if they make you feel like shit. Will it make you happy if we just go to sleep?" Hoseok was holding him so close that he could feel the other man's quick heartbeat that was so different from the calm words spoken in the already familiar low voice right next to his ear.

_Wouldn't it be so easy if you could just abandon everything that doesn't fit with your desires? If you could just do as you wish without having to think about who you have to be grateful to for living?_

Hyungwon smiled, simply because he knew how far from his reality it was. It was a nice thought, a pleasant one that must have applied to a lot of the people around him, only that he was an exception.

_Because you have to earn it._

"Will you hold me while we sleep?" he asked and stroked over the now warm skin of Hoseok's back and hips, enjoying how it felt under his fingertips.

"There's no other way with your bed, that's why I like it." A chuckle followed, and he could feel another brief touch of Hoseok's hot lips against his cheek before the muscular body wrapped around him, scent overwhelming and not leaving room for anything else.

Lying there with only body warmth and the scent of berries and smoke surrounding him, Hyungwon wished that the world would consist of nothing else.

Only warmth and berries, the two things he couldn't abandon either.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 6

No matter how long he thought about it during his lectures, on his way home, after talking to his mom and while walking towards the familiar building where he was supposed to learn some math, the conclusion remained the same.

_It’s all bullshit and he’s just a coward who can’t tell you that he considers the wish to be close to you gross._

First he was angry, then sad because he really liked the tall, lanky guy, his big eyes and how they widened if he was close enough. But then his logic took over. He was so desperate that he had poured himself some of his mom’s expensive Whisky and let her explain to him that there is no use in torturing oneself if someone's belief-system is so static that no information passes through.

_There’s nothing passing through. Apart from your lips and hands, apparently._

But his mom was right. If he even cried because he felt so bad about the dissonance in his brain and disappointing his ‘promised one’ whatever that bullshit was supposed to mean, then the answer was easy for him. If there was no way to be close and have fun together, then Hoseok was out and would get the fun somewhere else while still trying to keep an easygoing relationship to Hyungwon.

_It should be exactly what he wants and you can concentrate your efforts on something else. Or someone else. It’s driving you insane and you couldn't think about anything else for days._

Smiling, he walked into the room, glancing at the bad illumination before settling his eyes on Hyungwon who had his ear pressed against his cellphone and looked like a lost puppy.

_He’s so adorable though. Too bad._

"Yeah, of course you can invite her," his tutor murmured and Hoseok didn't need to look twice to conclude that Hyungwon didn't think inviting that 'her' was a very good idea. "I might be late today, but tell father that I'll come along with him Sunday morning."

_Aha._

He had no idea what was going on but it was apparently concerning some family matters and remembering the things that Hoseok knew about his tutor's family only made him think about gross shit.

_Like forcing him to not touch other people and have a single bed. What the fuck?_

He ignored the fact that Hyungwon was talking on the phone and almost wanted to lean in from behind to place a kiss against his nape and freak the shit out of him before remembering that he had wanted to talk about refraining from doing exactly that. Sad.

Instead of doing fun things, he sat down on his chair and took out his favorite notebook and a dick pen, drawing one on the empty page.

Hyungwon realized his arrival and turned towards him while listening intently to what the person on the other side was saying. Now that Hoseok was close enough he could tell that it was a woman, mentioning dinner and marriage in the same sentence.

_Ew._

His tutor's eyes widened, but he couldn't quite tell if it was because of the beautiful dick he drew or the marriage talk.

"Mom, my student is here, so maybe we can talk about that on the weekend," Hyungwon muttered and chewed on his cheek before waiting for a simple goodbye and hanging up. He looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry for making you wait. I hope you got enough sleep last night. You were gone earlier than my 8 o'clock lecture."

“Mhm, I slept just fine. You are getting married? Congratulations!” Hoseok commented and brushed back his hair, ruffling it at the base. “Then I don’t want to take much of your time today, so you can hurry up for the celebration and I can go drink Gin and have all kinds of fun.”

Hyungwon's expression seemed panicked at first before it turned deadpan, as if his tutor finally recognized his sarcasm.

"I'm not getting married," the other man muttered and rolled the edge of the book page he had opened between his index finger and thumb. "My mother simply wants me to because she doesn't want to explain to people in church why her son is almost finished with university but doesn't have a family."

_Holy fuck, what the fuck?_

“Not to be me and butt into other people's problems, but those church people should mind their own Jesus business and leave you alone. You don’t have a family because you probably don’t want one yet, so why would anybody pressure you into some kind of shit they consider obligatory in their arbitrary belief system?” Hoseok felt how angry he had gotten, but it wasn’t the best mood to talk about the things he had actually wanted to talk about, so he tried to calm down again.

"Because they have expectations," Hyungwon replied and sighed out loud. Somehow the other man sounded like he had given up on himself, stating it like the weather that couldn't be influenced. "It doesn't really matter I guess. It will only be difficult once I finish studying because then I don't have an excuse anymore."

_This sounds fucking creepy. As if he expects to be forced into marriage._

“Tell me when you’re getting married, I’ll come by, give you a proper french kiss in front of the altar and take you along to some nice place so all those pretentious people can choke.” Hoseok didn’t want to say it, but it somehow left his lips by itself. He acted nonchalant about it, opening his finished assignment and chewing on his lips while swinging the pen in his right hand.

"Would you?" Hyungwon asked suddenly before smiling in a way Hoseok hadn't seen before and brushing his long hair out of his eyes. The other man's hands were quick to find the place they had stopped last time, pointing at the next definition he wanted to discuss. "Never mind, do you feel ready to move onto some imaginary numbers?"

“Before we do that I wanted to talk about something first, so you don’t have to be awkward and hopefully you'll feel a little more at ease around me.” As soon as he felt the big hazel eyes on him, he swallowed and inhaled, feeling a little sad, but knowing all too well that there was no real solution from his side. “I thought about this and the whole story of me wanting you and you having a similar thought, but finding it kinda gross, so I decided that it would be best if I stopped coming onto you, because it’s fucking hard for me to get rejected a thousand times with a reason that makes me want to choke you. Does that make sense? So, in conclusion, don’t worry, I won’t tease you anymore and I won’t try to be close to you, you can relax and do the things that give your narrow mind peace. Does that sound good?” He kept the gaze without averting it even once, even though some of the things he said were drenched in his own feelings that he didn’t mean to share in this conversation.

Hyungwon didn't say anything for a few moments before Hoseok recognized the onslaught of thoughts he observed so many times already, guilt, insecurity and regret that were followed by yearning that he tried to ignore and pretend that he didn't see in the first place.

"Do you think that I consider you gross, Hoseok?" the low voice asked suddenly.

_For that, he likes the way you touch him too much._

“No. I think that you find your attraction towards me gross. And now that you know that temptation won’t come for you, let's talk about nice things like math.” Smiling to make himself feel better, Hoseok pointed at his assignment. “But I’ll still kiss and kidnap you when you get married.”

Hyungwon didn't meet his gaze as he refocused his attention on the sheet of paper, staring at the numbers before opening the appropriate page in the book.

"As you wish," the older man remarked finally before burying all those thoughts Hoseok had seen on his face and beginning his explanations of imaginary numbers that Hoseok couldn't care less about.

Apparently, it was very easy to abandon something that you wanted, that you longed for. A simple word and the knowledge that it didn’t fit into your moral beliefs was enough to pretend as if it was never there before.

_You can’t force him to change it. He needs to want it, but he doesn’t._

He shouldn’t have cared as his decision was made and it was literally about having some fun together, but still his heart was beating furiously, and he couldn’t bring himself to care about any of the words that left Hyungwon’s mouth. Only the lack of eye contact made him chuckle bitterly because of how fucking terrible it felt.

_

He finally relaxed and could feel the music after getting his fourth Bacardi with cherry juice because it tasted too fucking good.

The party was okay, the music was okay too and Kihyun was at the bar talking to Changkyun as if they were suddenly best friends after only a few weeks.

_He told you he is not his type. You're surrounded by liars._

Grinning at a tall blonde guy at the bar that he knew from his biochemistry lecture, he strolled over and touched glasses before talking about the current professor and how the exam was going to be super hard. The guy's smile was pretty and he showed reaction, nothing that Hoseok would’ve went for usually, but considering the fact that his best friend left him for pure Changkyun it was better to explore some more to not feel lonely and abandoned.

_It’s because of your talk. You need some distraction._

Laughing at one of the boy’s jokes, he glanced past him to the table that stood a little further from the bar and recognized his math tutor, who was leaning on the shaky, round table and sipped on a glass of dark liquid that was probably Coke because he didn't drink. His gaze seemed to be fixed on a particular spot and Hoseok didn't need long to figure out that it was Kihyun and pure Changkyun talking. Taking another sip, Hyungwon sighed visibly and scanned the crowd, suddenly glancing in his direction, recognition apparent in those big brown eyes.

_He was left alone too._

Too bad that Hoseok needed distraction from exactly that. From the fact that he still found his math tutor incredibly attractive, thinking about all kinds of completely unnecessary things like missing the way his scar felt against his fingertips and wanting to know how it felt against his lips and tongue too.

_But a promise is a promise and now you have somebody else who you might find distraction with._

Waving briefly, Hoseok returned his attention to the blonde guy with a nice smile and leaned in, licking his lips.

“You're handsome and I want to kiss you. Can I?”

The boy’s blue eyes widened a little and even though it was not comparable to the way Hyungwon’s hazel eyes made him feel, it was enough, and he felt a tiny pull in his groin that was a good sign. A nod followed, just as slim arms curled around his waist as he leaned in and sucked the warm lips into his mouth, one hand holding the boy’s face in place. It felt nice, it really did and he had no idea what the fuck was riding him when he decided to open one eye and glance towards the table where Hyungwon was sipping on his Coke.

It was almost ironic how he saw the exact expression he had thought of, wide brown eyes and parted lips that looked right back at him. He didn't even have to be close. Apparently, he could take the gorgeous man's breath away just like that, causing his fingers to turn almost white with the force that they applied to his drink.

_He’s gorgeous._

Hoseok was being an asshole for using a person to get a reaction out of another, but the knowledge didn’t stop him as he wrapped an arm around the blonde guy’s waist and let his fingers run over his round ass before pulling it towards his groin and catching a gasp with his lips.

His tutor's eyes were still focused on him, watching intently and barely breathing. Hoseok could tell so easily because he knew him so well, the way Hyungwon pulled his lips into his mouth to stay quiet, how his eyes began to wander and the big hands that shivered now instead of holding on tightly.

_Who knows, now that he’s getting married soon you can show him some things he won’t get in his boring straight marriage._

Grinning into the kiss because he felt super bitter about some of the things that he chose to let out in their previous talk, Hoseok whispered some hot shit into the small ear and curled one hand into the blonde hair, pulling on it to be able to nibble on the pale skin of the guy’s neck, eyes observing Hyungwon all that time.

_You don’t even know his name._

For a brief moment those brown eyes left him and Hoseok barely contained his disappointment until he saw the way the tall man chewed on his bottom lip, abusing it mercilessly as he must have been fighting with himself, lying to himself that he didn't want to look, only to lift his gaze and stare right back at him. There was familiar desperation and need on the beautiful face, but also something else that Hoseok couldn't quite tell from the distance. Hyungwon's shoulders shook briefly and he could tell that the other man inhaled sharply, but only when the party lights illuminated his big eyes differently and a brief sparkle appeared on the golden cheek, Hoseok understood that it must have been hurt. Hyungwon looked hurt.

_Well, that was not what you wanted, or was it?_

He was impulsive, he had always been and hurting people with his actions wasn’t something he was surprised by. Just that there was always a rule.

_You have to apologize._

Grabbing the pale face with both palms, he placed a brief kiss on the thin lips and said that he had to go but that they were definitely going to continue as soon as he got back. A glance at the table revealed nothing but the glass, standing there half full as if Hyungwon hadn't even bothered to finish it and when Hoseok turned to look towards pure Changkyun and Kihyun, the tall man was also nowhere in sight. His tutor should have been easy to find with his height and he couldn't have gone to the exit in the short time that Hoseok excused himself either.

_Well, fuck._

Looking around, he walked along the bar towards the restrooms until he recognized the ash-brown shade by accident, turning towards the far end of the counter and finding Hyungwon who was trying to drink a double whisky in one shot.

“What are you doing? I thought you don’t drink.” Hoseok took the glass from the other man’s warm hand and chugged it without asking.

Hyungwon seemed baffled by his sudden appearance, eyes still wet and wide as they focused on him.

"The bartender said that might knock me out," his tutor muttered before turning away and letting his long fingers sink into his bangs, body tense like he was doing his best not to crack.

“Why would he give you something that would knock you out? I think he has bad intentions,” he commented and grinned, but quickly remembered being the reason for the other man’s hurt. “Are you hurt because of me?”

"I don't know, I just want to stop thinking," was the answer he received as the tall man didn't bother looking up and merely held his breath like he was fighting to keep his composure. Suddenly, Hyungwon lifted his right hand to give the bartender a sign, who lifted an eyebrow but still poured another double whisky and placed it in front of him. The big hand was quick to grab it and pour a considerable amount down his throat, but luckily not all of it. He must not be used to the burning sensation travelling down his throat. "I can't bear seeing you like this."

_Like this? Does he think you’re gross?_

“Disgusted?” he asked and chuckled before drinking the rest of the whisky and pushing the glass away from Hyungwon before he could finish it.

"Confused," Hyungwon answered and bit down on his bottom lip. It looked painful as color quickly created a contrast between the gorgeous skin tone and the red lips. "Confused and desperate because there is nothing I can do."

_Well, you made him watch._

“I’m sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you. At least not a lot…” he admitted and licked his lips. “I wanted it to pull a little bit.”

Hyungwon covered his eyes for a few seconds before leaning his weight against the bar stool next to him, looking a little dizzy.

"I'm the one who hurt you with my indecisiveness, so I can't tell you that I can't bear you kissing other people. It's selfish." Suddenly, a chuckle followed, but it sounded so dark that it was almost uncomfortable. "I'm hurt, but I have no right, so I'll do my best to forget and somehow be decent again. I don't know how yet, but maybe I'll figure it out. Hallelujah.”

_He looks like he’ll wake up in a ditch if you leave him here right now._

“Let’s go home. Would you like me to take you to your dorm? Or you can come with me to my place then I can make you something for your stomach and hope that it won’t be that bad tomorrow."

"I'm supposed to go to my parents today, but I can't go yet," Hyungwon muttered, eyes widening again like he suddenly had worst case scenarios playing in front of his inner eye.

“You are supposed to go to your parents? I thought you went already?” Hoseok stared at the other man’s antics while imagining his conservative asshole family judging him for being miserable and drunk, as if not everybody deserves to be miserable and wasted.

"I usually go late on Fridays and then stay the weekend." His tutor was a little more communicative than usual, but still dizzy, hands grabbing the bar like he needed it. "You can just leave me here and I'll go when I don't remember shit and don't feel like hurting the guy you were kissing.”

_Oh well._

“He didn’t do anything wrong, why would you hurt him? I don’t even know what his name is. I need to ask Monday in the lecture. In addition, I won’t leave you here because you just chugged two whiskeys and have an alcohol tolerance of a baby chicken. Come with me to my place, I’ll make you a sober-up cocktail and then you can go to your parents. Okay?” Hoseok wrapped his arm around Hyungwon’s waist and pulled him from the chair, dragging him towards the exit.

"I'll still smell like a minibar though, won't I?" Hyungwon chuckled and despite the fake amusement it was so easy to tell how desperate the older man was by how he wrapped an arm around Hoseok and leaned his head closer to his neck, inhaling as if it didn't mean anything.

“Lemon is the answer, Hyungwon. I went to lectures and exams smelling like fresh lemon after chugging half a bottle, so believe my skill. You can consider yourself lucky. You got the right person.” Smiling briefly, he pulled the other man up the stairs and walked towards his street. Living in the city center had many advantages.

_Just hope that he won’t faint or something. You would need to carry him up to the fourth floor. It’s a lot of stairs._

"Somehow, you're always the right person, aren't you?" the low voice whispered in his ear, but there was no hint of a joke. "I just can't figure out why."

"Because we click," he whispered back and opened the front door, pushing Hyungwon inside and pointing at the stairs. "Will you manage, or should I carry you?"

"I'll be fine, I have lean thighs," his math tutor replied and held onto the railing with so much force that his knuckles turned white as he placed one foot in front of the other as if he was climbing the stairway to heaven.

_Really man._

"Climb up." Hoseok overtook him and gestured at his own back. "We can save ten minutes."

Instead of hesitation, hot arms instantly wrapped around his neck and he felt Hyungwon's lightweight resting on top of his back, plump lips close to his ear and exhaling roughly.

"Hoseok," the other man muttered suddenly as he got up and began to climb up the flights of stairs. "But what if you staying away from me doesn't give my narrow mind peace? Is it selfish of me to hate it?"

_This is not the best conversation when being hardcore tipsy and carrying the reason for your masturbation fantasies of the past two weeks on your back._

"I hate it too, but it's supposed to help. Maybe you would've felt better about it if I didn't try to eat that guy in front of you. I wanted you to suffer too." He easily made the last few stairs before meeting his mom's face who was grinning and opening the door wide so he didn't have to put Hyungwon down.

"Come in, boys. Sober-up cocktail or a drink?"

Hoseok muttered sober-up and asked to give them a few minutes before going straight for his room and letting Hyungwon down.

"I do suffer." The other man sat down on his bed and stared at his knees, dressed in overly formal pants for a party, just like the white shirt and the elegant coat he was wearing. The coat didn't stay for long as his tutor took it off and threw it next to the bed. Hoseok couldn't help concluding that the formal attire was because Hyungwon planned on going to his parents. "But I know that I can't keep making you suffer too just because I can't give in to you. It makes sense that you go for somebody who can."

"Mhm, I know. That's why I promised you that I won't do anything provocative."

_And that sucking face part wasn't provocative, no?_

Hoseok heard his mom's steps and went to the door, opening it before she was able to knock.

"Thank you so much, I love you, you're the best," he muttered and took both glasses, smiling at his mother as she winked at him, and walked towards the bed.

"Your mother is so different," Hyungwon commented and let himself fall on the sheets, arms stretched out and ash-brown hair framing his face with gorgeous curls. Hoseok hadn't expected to have his math tutor on his bed again and especially not in such circumstances. "Makes me feel a little envious even though that probably makes me a terrible son. I should have brought flowers again."

"Parents are people too. They make decisions that might turn out good or might ruin something, so I think you're not a terrible son. You must still love your parents a lot if you didn't tell them to fuck off yet, so let's say that you're an amazing son." Hoseok sat on the bed next to the other man's overdressed self and took a sip of his sober-up cocktail before placing it back on the night table next to the condom jar. "You don't want to get sober?" he asked and raised an eyebrow in question.

Hyungwon didn't react at first before lifting his head and looking at him. Those brown eyes focused on his and reminded him of the way they had widened at the party.

"Then I won't have an excuse anymore."

_An excuse?_

"An excuse for what? For being here with me? It's fine, I'm not going to eat you… at least not this time." The memories were too vivid and he licked his lips before returning his gaze to the handsome face.

Hyungwon shook his head slowly before reaching out and curling his long fingers around his bicep and pulling him down on the bed, aligning their faces without doing anything else. Only the hot fingers stayed right where they were, burning against his skin.

"No, for wanting to kiss you."

_Why is he doing this to himself and to you?_

"You want to kiss me? Why? Because I said that I won't dance around you anymore? And then? Then you will think that it's wrong and whatnot and make me feel as if what I feel is wrong too even though it's bullshit. I want you and I can find you attractive as much as I like, there's nothing bad about it and nothing scary about it either apart maybe from the fact that it takes so much strength to behave around you." Hoseok spoke quickly, heart hammering in his chest and his body shifting closer automatically.

"I don't think that what you feel is wrong, Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered and let his hands travel over his naked arm and graze the skin of his shoulders and neck. The touch felt so delicate and made him react even though he knew that Hyungwon was drunk and might not have reacted the same way without the alcohol. "I always want to kiss you. Always. But I know that I'm not allowed to feel that way, because the way I'm supposed to feel has already been decided. I'm just terrible at following the plan, like a broken toy."

_The bullshit is so strong. Will you ever be able to make him understand?_

"I'm not sure whether you just act as if you're an idiot or if you're really one. Nobody has the right to decide what you're supposed to do with your life. Nobody. Literally nobody, Hyungwon. And this whole 'I'm not allowed' story makes me so angry that I'm barely holding myself back to not go crazy right now. But I promised not to provoke you, so that's the only reason I'm lying here next to you doing nothing apart from being fucking angry and frustrated."

"You say nobody has the right to decide what I'm supposed to do with my life. Not even the one that gave it to me? What makes you so sure? Isn't it ungrateful to spit in the face of the one that gave you a gift?" The hot fingers were still tracing his skin, stroking over his neck and running over his jaw line. "That somebody has a perfectly set plan for me, decided piece-" Hyungwon let his index finger brush over his bottom lip like a step before the middle finger did the same with the top lip, "by- piece. But then there is me, unable to follow the simplest of instructions and ending up right here, wanting nothing but to taste your lips and forget whatever that divine plan is supposed to be."

_Divine plan? Oh for fuck's sake._

"It doesn't matter what they did for you Hyungwon. It's still nobody. Nobody has the right to tell you what to do with your life and expect you to follow it meticulously. It's sick. You're a person with a character, a free will, your brain develops in a unique way and the only reason why you think that you have to do it is because people forced those pathways on you. You want to taste my lips? Taste them." His heartbeat, the sensations of Hyungwon's fingers, the look in the other man's eyes and Hoseok's incredible anger weren't a good mixture. Not for performing tasks that required inhibition.

"But what if-" Hyungwon's body slipped closer and the big palm cupped his face, burning against his cheek. "What if that somebody takes it away as easily as they gave it to me? That thought scares me so much."

_What is he talking about? He's afraid to die? Really?_

"If you think that you'll die because you kissed me, then I have to tell you that it might indeed feel this way because it's so fucking intense that you think that you might die, but you don't really die. In general, I have bad news for you because you kinda will die. At some point. A point you don't know unless you get cancer and have some time to say bye. But believe me, nobody will take my soul away, Hyungwon, and if nobody took mine they won't take yours either."

Brown eyes observed him intently as the other man didn't reply and merely let the words sink in, showing him once again how easily Hyungwon responded to his proximity alone, to touching his skin and seeing his face. The beautiful man swallowed before letting his eyes flutter shut and inhaling through his lips.

"I don't think it is a fear that you can understand, Hoseok. Not unless you grew up with it and it became a part of you." Opening his eyes again, Hyungwon wrapped his other arm around his neck, pulling him close enough to have their thighs brush against each other. "But still I am here, barely breathing because the biscuit jar has broken in my hands and I am unable to fix it."

_They keep feeding his fears, don't they?_

"Maybe I don't understand your fears, but I understand the way you look at me," he whispered, hands curling into fists because he was so close to going crazy, chest shaking with every new inhale and heart beating so fast that I made him dizzy.

"And how do I look at you?" The gaze that he enjoyed so much was right there, wide eyes, plump lips parted in a silent gasp and heat that must have been spreading throughout the other man's body and colored his cheeks in a light pink.

_He wants you so much._

"Like you want nothing more than to come closer and taste me. Like it's the only thing that you ever wanted, like you know how it will make you feel and that it's just what you need because it makes you feel alive in a way you haven't experienced before," he breathed against Hyungwon's lips, having difficulties inhaling because of how thick the tension seemed between them. It was pulling on his lungs, his limbs, pushing him to act and to do the thing he knew they both wanted.

_That's the thing. You both want it, but why aren't you doing anything?_

Hyungwon was holding his breath, body trembling next to him and eyes unable to decide what to focus on, shifting from his eyes to his lips and back to his eyes.

"Please," the low voice begged suddenly, desperation seeping through.

_He needs to act. Not you._

"Kiss me," he whispered back, holding Hyungwon's gaze.

Hoseok could see it all, the want that was right there, too strong to be caused by alcohol and too strong to remain hidden in the depth of his mind only. The hot fingers stroked over his cheek before settling in his hair and applying pressure, tilting his head to the side as Hyungwon dared to move closer, carefully bridging the distance until he could feel those plump lips graze his own, exhales caught between them.

_This feels too good to die from it._

He was completely overwhelmed by his own physical reaction, neurons firing and creating a firework of tension and pleasure, levity and longing, arousal and inhuman want. As soon as Hyungwon's lips touched his, his hands curled around the other man's body, pulling it as close as possible and gasping against the hot mouth.

A whimper sounded between them, but Hyungwon kept the touch slow, much slower than the last time as if he was trying to taste every inch of him, to memorize every single sensation that came along with the passion they shared. Hands stroked over his hair and back, pulled him closer without being rough and the other man's kiss resembled the softness of a cloud, intimate and creating warmth and a tingling sensation in his chest.

_You're going crazy, but you need to let him explore. He wants to feel it._

Hoseok melted into the kiss and even though his body was burning to feel more, he enjoyed the way it felt. Somehow, even the smallest action, the briefest touch was different with Hyungwon.

The other man's lean thigh slipped in between his own, but without applying pressure as if Hyungwon merely wanted to increase their points of contact. The gorgeous man hummed into the kiss and deepened it, tongue carefully playing with his own and tasting him.

_You were longing for it, but you thought that you'd need to go further. Why does a simple kiss feel this way? Because you know that he's scared? But why would you get so much from it?_

"I missed this," he whispered because he was drunk and confused, kissing back and exploring how soft the plump mouth felt and tasting whisky on his tongue.

"I couldn't think about anything else," Hyungwon replied softly and caressed his jaw with his right hand before placing another soft kiss to each corner of his mouth and along his jawline before returning to his lips. "I can't breathe unless I'm kissing you, as if I'm already dead."

_Holy shit, that's intense._

"I hope that I don't make you feel dead. I hope that I can make you feel alive and breathing, feeling everything at once, just how you make me feel so much at once. I'm going crazy without your touch." His body attempted to get closer automatically, as if afraid that it wouldn't stay for long.

"Do you want me to touch you?" Hyungwon asked carefully before kissing his lips again and letting his eyes flutter shut. There was pure bliss written on the other man's face, as if being close to him like this was able to free him from whatever had been holding him back. Hoseok didn't want to admit to it, but it looked so fucking beautiful that he didn't want to break it.

_Do you want to be touched right now? It might change the way he looks at you._

"I want you to stay close. It doesn't matter whether you touch me. I want you to look at me like this. Keep looking at me," he whispered.

Hyungwon nodded in reply and brushed his lips along his jaw and neck, placing soft kisses on every spot he could reach until a hot palm carefully pushed him back against the mattress and the gorgeous face reappeared above him, kissing his lips again, but the feeling that came along with the touch made it seem as if it was so much more than a kiss.

_Maybe it means so much because he doesn't allow himself, so every touch is like a spark, something he thinks he shouldn't have, but is longing for nevertheless._

Hyungwon should have everything he longed for and he was ready to give it to him.

"I'm going to give you everything," he whispered. "I'm going to make you feel alive, make your heart beat so fast that you won't have a single thought in your head, just me and the way I can make you feel."

A smile pulled at the corners of Hyungwon's red lips as the beautiful man lay down on top of him and cupped his face with his hot palm, thumb stroking over his cheek as their lips met again.

"That sounds like a dream," the low voice murmured in reply, lips vibrating against his own. "Sweet, just like you are."

“Oh, I can be bitter too, but I’m glad that you think like that. Mostly I’m sweet, intense and so delicious that you won't want to taste anything else ever.” Hoseok kept his voice low, not quite a whisper as he stroked over Hyungwon’s thighs, nails digging into the fancy fabric as his fingers traveled over the other man’s prominent hip bones.

Hyungwon gasped, voice shaking from the effect the simple touch had on him. The beautiful man was so tender with him, caressing his cheeks and neck, tracing the shell of his ear and brushing his bangs away from his forehead before kissing him again.

"You make me wish that I was someone else," the low voice revealed, air tickling his lips before Hyungwon covered his jaw with kisses again.

Hoseok leaned in to catch the pretty, thick lips, licking into the other man’s mouth carefully while stroking over his sides. The desire to slip under the conservative white shirt was almost unbearable. “But I like that it’s you. You make all of this feel… different,” he replied and pulled the white fabric out of the fancy pants, letting one hand wrap around the slim waist, heat burning against his cold fingers.

Hyungwon's eyes fluttered shut, as if the sensation of his hands was too intense to keep kissing. The slim body trembled in his hold and the other man leaned in to have their bodies flush against each other, big brown eyes opening again to meet his. Those plump lips didn't say anything, they only parted to cover his own and return heat to his chest and whole body.

Hoseok was usually not the one to lose it quickly and gained more if his partners were sensitive and all over the place, it got him going, so the way Hyungwon reacted played right into his preferences, making him shift under the lightweight and yearn for more.

His hand slipped further under the white shirt and stroked over Hyungwon's naked back, pulling him closer against his body, thick lips catching his rough exhales as soon as the other man shifted right over his arousal that was more and more apparent the more time passed.

"I want to kiss your scar," he said, voice low and a little rough.

Hyungwon met his gaze as he sucked his plump lips into his mouth, observing him with his big brown eyes. The other man seemed vulnerable, perfectly aware that despite the thick tension between them everything still felt so breakable.

Nodding softly, Hyungwon rolled to the side to lie on his back and observed him, hands unwilling to part and stroking over his face as if he was incredibly precious.

_Maybe you're like a present, a desire, something he's not allowed to have._

The thought made him feel strange, as if there was no reason to deprive oneself so much that sharing kisses became that valuable.

Hoseok crawled on top of the slim hips, carefully unbuttoning the shirt that was closed right to the neck, slowly revealing the beautiful shade of Hyungwon's skin.

"Ah, I like it so much," he smiled and licked his lips before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on the end of the white line, closer to the other man's stomach.

Hyungwon's jaw seemed to tremble and the other man bit down on his bottom lip to make it stop, eyes remaining wide and focused on him. Fingers hesitantly brushed over his hair and intertwined with the longer strands, but without pulling at them. When Hyungwon shifted because of the way it felt, a thin silver necklace caught his gaze. A pendant was attached to the very end and seemed to be two strings woven into each other and creating a cross.

_Great._

Hoseok tried to ignore it, travelling over the scar and kissing every part of it without leaving any spot untouched before the cross was right in front of his nose and he took it, turning the necklace and letting it hang somewhere at Hyungwon's nape. As if to pay it back for distracting him, Hoseok turned to the small dark nipple and sucked it into his mouth.

Hyungwon moaned, loud and clear before the other man quickly used one of his palms to cover his lips, eyes wide as if he hadn't expected himself to react like that.

He would have loved to see it again, to provoke the same reaction, but an incessant ringing filled the room and only increased in volume instead of stopping.

_What the fuck?_

It was definitely not his phone, for that the ringtone was too annoying. Lifting his face a bit, but not enough to be unable to play with Hyungwon's pretty nipple, Hoseok muttered 'Important?'.

Hyungwon kept gasping behind the barrier of his palm and visibly struggled to say anything coherent until he finally tugged at Hoseok's hair to lift his head and pause the ministrations.

"That- depends on who it is," the other man muttered and glanced in the direction of his coat that the incessant ringing was coming from.

"Do you need to pick up?" Hoseok wouldn't be temptation if he didn't stretch out his tongue, teasing the tiny bud with the tip of it.

Hyungwon released a sound that was so close to a whimper that Hoseok regretted not pulling the big palm away from the other man's lips beforehand. After shifting under him, there was a nod as Hyungwon attempted to move towards the source of the sound and the person that decided to ruin the moment.

"Stay where you are," Hoseok commented with a playful smile, before jumping up and taking the annoying device to his owner, settling on top of his lap again and placing a kiss on the scar. "Feel free to pick up," he said with a grin.

Hyungwon observed him for a few moments, as if he wasn't sure what exactly to expect before pressing a button on his phone and humming as a greeting.

Instead of talking there was a noise that resembled shaky breaths, followed by sobbing. It sounded like a woman.

The other man's eyes widened, and he sat up, using his other hand to press the phone closer to his ear. Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon felt lost, eyes wide and lips parting without a sound coming out.

"M-mom?" the low voice finally whispered. "Mom, what happened?"

_Okay, this is not the time for nipple play, Hoseok._

Leaning back because Hyungwon sat up, he observed the handsome face, listening intently to what was happening on the other end of the line.

The other man's hand was shaking, probably because of the sudden rush of adrenaline as he visibly attempted to understand the words on the other side of the line. Hyungwon's mother must have been devastated with the sobs that kept interrupting her speech.

"Mom?" Hyungwon tried again and took a deep breath. "Mom, it'll be fine. I'll be there soon, okay? I'm sure he'll be alright."

Again, there were sobs and words on the other end, mingled in a way Hoseok couldn't understand. The slim man shifted and fixed the necklace around his neck, as if it was subconscious while he kept murmuring reassurances until the sobbing decreased and he hung up after a brief confession. Big brown eyes met his as Hyungwon took a deep breath.

"I think… I might need that sober-up," he murmured and brushed through his hair in a nervous gesture.

_Would've been too easy, right?_

"Sure." Hoseok crawled towards the bedside table and pushed the drink into Hyungwon's hand before closing all buttons the way they were before, also a skill he possessed because one needed to look decent after a quick thing in the uni restroom.

Hyungwon curled his fingers tightly around the drink and took a sip. The other man barely moved, as if whatever had relaxed him and calmed him down before dissipated into thin air after that phone call. Now only tension and a hint of fear remained, tasting like poison on Hoseok's tongue.

"My grandpa is in the hospital and she's scared," the low voice murmured eventually before Hyungwon brushed through his bangs without changing anything about them, just to have something to do with his hands.

"I'm sorry. My grandma was in the hospital last month too, it's scary. I hope that he gets well soon. My mom was also crying all the time, but she's okay now, so I think you'll be able to comfort her. You're very… good at this." The way Hyungwon's behavior changed was making him nauseous and he shifted away from the slim body, head leaning against the wall and observing him intently.

At first the other man hummed in agreement without moving, eyes merely observing his own hands and the way the liquid moved inside his glass. It was difficult to tell what was going on in Hyungwon's mind, as if the entrance had been tightly shut as soon as he heard his mother's voice.

"I hate dreams," Hyungwon suddenly whispered before drinking the rest of the sober-up and pulling his coat over his shoulders. "Because in the end one has to wake up."

"What happens with other people is not your fault. But more than anything, you're a coward," Hoseok muttered and stayed where he was, head pressed against the wall and clenching his jaw because he feared to say something that was even worse than an insult.

"I thought it was better to be a coward than dead," the other man replied before grabbing his bag and pulling it over his shoulder. He looked definitely more stable than when he arrived, but his hands were still shaking. "But now I'm not so sure anymore," the low voice added quietly as Hyungwon opened the door to his room and disappeared behind it.

_Remarkable how his arguments don't make any fucking sense. Must be a talent to explain everything with bullshit and believe in it yourself._

Damn, how much did he want to laugh about it and abandon the thought of getting close ever again because of how angry it made him, because of how fucking terrible it made him feel afterwards. But all those gasps still sounded in his head, just like the image of Hyungwon's big hazel eyes when he kissed him, mouth parting in the painfully genuine confession that he needed it to breathe.

***

_Disgust._

Hoseok had mentioned it so many times already, assumed that Hyungwon was disgusted by the fact that the other man chose men as his partners. That he was revolted by the idea that the first-year kissed men instead of gifting his affection to a woman, that he kissed Hyungwon. All this time his mixed signals seemed to suggest that it was the action of being with a man that caused his aversion, his devastation and the tears.

But Hyungwon was only disgusted by himself, nobody else. It wasn't the choices that Hoseok made for himself, because those were his and his alone. The brunette had the prerogative to decide who he wanted to be with and what mattered to him. He had his own life in the palm of his hand because nobody had been involved in giving it to him against all odds. For somebody who lived life as if it was a given, it was difficult to understand how it could be any different.

_But for you it is different._

Hyungwon heard it so often, the same words all over again. That his life was a gift, but not in the conventional sense. It wasn't the type of gift that was given without any conditions or repercussions. Instead it was like a promise, a promise to live the way that was expected in exchange for the ability to breathe.

His parents had told him often that it couldn't be explained in any other way, because the doctors didn't have an answer either. How could somebody who was clinically dead suddenly breathe again? There was no explanation, so it was clear that his life had been a gift, a gift with a price. The ability to breathe was one that he had to treasure while following the path of those who are chosen instead of his own. There was no need for his own path because he hadn't been the one to decide that he wanted to live.

_You were given air as a gift, but why does it feel like you are suffocating?_

He heard his predicament so often that his mind barely listened when his mother repeated it for him, hugging him tightly and saying that he is the only one she has, a gift that she is immensely thankful for and tries hard to repay.

_You're not the only one trying, they are too, but you just cannot fulfill their expectations._

Instead of living the life of a good human, starting a family and gifting another being life, Hyungwon was unfaithful, unable to give affection to the person that was chosen for him and turning towards alcohol as a way to let go of his inhibitions.

_You wanted them gone, you wanted to forget everything and breathe, but sin catches up so quickly, doesn't it?_

Instead of feeling the freedom of air passing through his lungs, the sensation in his chest resembled pitch, disgusting and heavy. One might have thought there were hands around his throat, pressing down and threatening to take his life away, but sitting there with his mother crying against his shoulder, he couldn't help but wonder if that would feel any different from the way he felt now.

_The blame is on you, isn't it? For everything._

Hyungwon didn't know what to say when his mother concluded that the hospitalization of her father must have been a punishment for something, a mistake that she made and had to undo. Deep inside he didn't believe it, not really, but still there was a voice asking, 'what if?'. What if he concluded that his actions had no influence on the happiness and misery of others, but in the end, he was the one causing misery?

_Is your own not enough? Must everybody else suffer from this too?_

Even Hoseok was suffering, sitting on his bed with his head leaning against the wall and calling him a coward for escaping temptation. Only that the other man was wrong, because Hyungwon couldn't escape temptation. It was right there next to him, covering him like black ink that wrote the words 'sinner' all over him, for everybody to see who bothered to look twice.

_Because you had forsaken your path a long time ago, even if only in the mind._

Only his mother didn't seem to see it as she soaked his white shirt in her tears and told him that he was the only one she had, the gift that they had to always be thankful for, no matter what happened.

It was moments like these when Hyungwon caught himself wishing that the doctors just hadn't bothered.

_

The filled fork disappeared in his mouth as Hyungwon forced himself to chew. Again his plate was arranged perfectly to have meat, a side dish and vegetables, only that he couldn't tell what exactly he was chewing. Everything tasted the same to him, like nothing.

The atmosphere wasn't as tense since the hospital had called and told them the good news of his grandpa's condition improving. They had suspected a heart attack, but luckily that wasn't the case. Somehow, not even relief was something that Hyungwon managed to make himself feel.

_You're really unworthy, aren't you? Unable to care about your own family because of your faults._

His father was cheerful, probably glad that Hyungwon had joined him on his trip through the neighborhood in the morning. Like everything else that Hyungwon seemed to do, it was just an attempt to cover what he had done, the thoughts and feelings he had but wasn't supposed to have. It felt like all of it was stuck to his skin, the kisses he shared with Hoseok, the alcohol he consumed to forget his responsibilities, the need that he felt towards the other man even when he was sober. All of it felt as if it was written on his skin, but nobody could see it. Nobody but him.

_He must see it too, contemplating whether you deserve to live._

His mother smiled and attempted to convince him to eat his vegetables and Sarah chuckled before sneakily removing them from his plate and eating them for him. She had always done that since they were kids and Hyungwon should have felt at ease. Everything was just the way it had always been, peaceful with him and his family, so why wasn't he feeling at ease?

_Why do you feel like you cannot breathe? Is this the punishment?_

"Shall we go up to your room?" Sarah asked as soon as their plates were empty, his only because the black-haired girl had done her best to eat all his vegetables. He hesitated, only to remember that he had already made enough mistakes.

_Why can't you act the way you are supposed to? Is it that difficult?_

Maybe he wasn't trying hard enough. Maybe he was just expecting everything to come his way for free, but only temptation did that. One had to fight for everything else.

He smiled and nodded before politely excusing himself and swallowing at the approving glance that his dad gave him. They had so many expectations and now he received worried glances whenever he avoided seeing Sarah.

_Seeing your girlfriend._

He couldn't explain it, but he never thought of her that way. Maybe because unlike most relationships there had never been a point at which they decided to be together, or to date. It had seemed like a given from the very beginning. The two of them were of similar age, in the same community, their parents were close and the older they got, the more obvious rules and regulations became.

_Until it was simply expected that you are dating, because why else would you be meeting each other, being of the opposite sex?_

"What are you thinking about?" Sarah asked when she arrived at the top of the stairs and Hyungwon was slow in following her.

"Us," he replied truthfully which made the black-haired girl smile. It felt unfair towards her, all of it, but Hyungwon didn't know how to address something that he had no influence on. He wasn't the one to establish whatever was between them in the first place, so how could he be the one to doubt it?

_Maybe you can repent by doing something right for once?_

"You seem a little out of it today." Squeezing his hand once, Sarah took the lead and closed his room door behind them, looking a little shy. Hyungwon hated that even though his childhood friend was trying her best to get close to him, he was the one who seemed to feel nothing. There was no excitement, no fear of repercussions, nothing.

_Is that it? Does it need to be forbidden for you to want it?_

Hyungwon doubted it. Why would he need something forbidden if it devoured him from the inside afterwards? The guilt and emptiness he felt were barely containable, so why would he yearn to feel it? It wasn't worth it if there was nothing else besides the desire.

_So it is not only desire that you feel next to him?_

"I'm sorry, I'm still taken aback because of yesterday," he murmured and sat down on the bed, gesturing for Sarah to join him. Again, a shy smile passed over the girl's lips before she wrapped an arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder, not saying anything.

The warmth was familiar, just like the sensation of another body next to him. But why didn't it feel like it mattered? Hyungwon had heard descriptions, independent of feelings of love. After all, nobody expected him to be in love with Sarah to marry her, but was it supposed to feel so empty, so meaningless?

'Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.'

He thought of his childhood memories and the way Sarah had helped him in many ways, showed affection and that she cared, but none of these occurrences brought about the same need to connect lips that he had felt the night before.

'Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.'

_It wasn't even about arousal, you just wanted to breathe, to finally breathe like a human being._

Hyungwon didn't know if sin was supposed to feel that way, like the only way to breathe properly and feel alive. What if that was the point of it, to pull him in?

He swallowed and reached out to stroke over the black hair, following it all the way to where it ended past Sarah's shoulders. The woman next to him was the person he should desire to be close to, the person he should be kissing and caressing instead of what his mind seemed to be yearning for. The one that he was meant to become one with.

_Maybe you just need to teach your body because it doesn't understand what you should be doing. It only knows what it experienced and so far that is mostly your suffocating desire for Hoseok._

His hand was shaking when he lifted it away from Sarah's hair and used it to stroke over her cheek and her round face. A soft breath left the girl's lips and she looked up, meeting his gaze and smiling at him. Why was she smiling?

"Shh, it's okay," Sarah whispered and moved a little closer, wrapping her right arm around his neck. Their thighs were touching and Hyungwon's heartbeat hammered in his chest, but it wasn't the same feeling. It wasn't anticipation of what would happen next and how it might feel. There was no excitement nor a hint of arousal that burned between his legs.

_You have to kiss her, Hyungwon. That's your responsibility. It's what you should be doing._

He swallowed and used his hand to tilt her head a little, to make it easier to let their lips meet as he leaned in. His senses were hyper aware of everything, of the color of her skin, of the green eyes that were open and looked at him until they finally fluttered shut and of the scent of dinner that still lingered between them.

Hyungwon didn't know what he had expected, but it seemed like there was no magic to it, nothing but warm lips pressing against each other and the weak scent of Sarah's perfume.

_Why don't you feel anything? Why can't you feel the way you are supposed to?_

Sarah wrapped her arms tighter around him and deepened the kiss, licking his lips like she wanted to be closer while Hyungwon felt like he wasn't in his own body. It seemed like he was only an observer, somebody who saw that Sarah was kissing him, how she tried to be closer and stroked over his thigh, but there were no sensations associated with it, no thoughts and no desires.

_As if you are really dead._

"Wait-" he forced out and leaned back, realizing that he didn't have enough oxygen and felt dizzy. It wasn't the pleasant dizziness that made him want to melt into the touch of the person next to him, but the fearful type, the one that made him want to pack his things and run, the further the better. "I don't think-"

"But it's okay, Hyungwon. Nobody is going to judge us for this. I know that you must feel bad because of last time, but now it's not taboo anymore. We can be close if we want to." Licking over her lips nervously, Sarah reached for his hand and placed it on her waist, sliding it down to her hips. It was intimate and the expression on her face told him that it affected her.

_But why doesn't it affect you?_

Wet lips met his again and it felt the same, wet and warm, but nothing beyond that. There was the same awareness of their position, of his hand on Sarah's hips, but none of it made him feel like he could close his eyes and breathe. Instead it felt like a prison, walls that rose around the nothingness and transformed it into routine.

_Because it's not about experience. It's not about experience at all._

His heartbeat sped up the longer their lips were connected, the longer he felt nothing but dread and fear of what might happen next, what expectation he might be confronted with that he couldn't fulfil.

_It's because you're broken, Hyungwon._

He must have been broken from the beginning on, a faulty toy that didn't react the way it was supposed to and didn't show the interests that were expected. The kisses he had shared with Sarah had never been more than curiosity and a convention because it was expected of a couple. The dates and meet ups were his attempts to keep their relationship platonic even though it wasn't meant to be.

_All of it has been about you trying to resist what you have to do, every single time._

It felt like he couldn't breathe, and he pushed against Sarah's shoulders to separate their lips. His hands were shaking, and his chest rose and fell rapidly. Hyungwon could tell from the expression on her face that she was a little scared.

_Because something is wrong with you and she can feel it._

"What's the matter? Did I-"

"No, you didn't do anything. I'm sorry, I'm just- I'm really not feeling okay recently and I don't know how to solve it yet." He stood up from the bed and brushed through his hair, still smelling her perfume which only reminded him of the failure he was. "I think I need to take a walk to clear my head. It's just the whole situation. I'll- I'll call you."

Hoseok was right. He was a coward. A coward that knew he was a broken toy while still trying to hide the insufficiencies from those around him.

_You have to leave or they'll be able to tell, they'll see what you really want._

Hyungwon didn't know where he planned on going when he threw on his coat, slipped into his shoes and told his parents some bullshit about something coming up that he had to take care of. His feet carried him out of the house all on their own and even when he was outside in the freezing air, he still didn't feel like he could breathe. There seemed to be a blockade, a something that saw him wherever he was and knew that he was a failure and tried to hide it.

_What will you do now? How are you supposed to solve this?_

Hyungwon didn't know. He felt helpless, still sitting on the ground with the broken jar of biscuits, realizing that there had been no alternative to eating them in the first place. He had expected himself to make the right choice, only to realize that he wasn't able to. The choice had been made for him, but what was he supposed to do if he couldn't follow it? If he didn't feel anything when he was next to the person he was supposed to kiss?

_The path is made but you are unable to follow it. Unworthy._

Tears burned in his eyes and the knowledge that neighbors might see him made him walk faster. A few drops landed on his leather shoes, staining them but Hyungwon couldn't even muster the strength to feel bad about that either. He felt like a shell, one that couldn't even contain tears.

He kept walking, passing houses until he ended up a few streets away and his eyes fell on a short woman in front of a familiar house. She was carrying several bags of groceries and fumbled with her keys, not paying any attention to what was going on around her.

Hyungwon didn't know what possessed him, why going to the place that brought him most of his doubts seemed to be the first solution he came up with. He quickly wiped over his face with the hope that it wasn't obvious and stepped closer, unsure how to act.

_Who cares where you go? There is no salvation now, you're just a disappointment. Temptation knows what an easy target you are._

"Ehm- Mari," he spoke carefully, remembering the first name of Hoseok's mother and doing his best to plaster a smile on his face. "Do you need help with these?"

“Oh! Hyungwon, darling! Did you come to visit? I’m glad, Hoseok was a little- down after you left yesterday. Come in, I’ll make you a good coffee to clear your skin and your mind.” The black-haired woman gave him a bag and opened the door, smiling at him as if seeing him made her happy.

_Is this why you came? To look for acceptance even though you don't deserve any?_

Hyungwon swallowed and carried the grocery bag up the stairs, staring at his feet because it was clear that he had hurt Hoseok again. How could it have been any other way after the intimacy they shared? Hoseok had told him that they were going to stay away from each other because it was easier for the brunette, but in the end Hyungwon had begged him for a touch of lips.

_You still want it, don't you?_

"Was he… very upset? I didn't mean to hurt him," he muttered, helpless because he didn't even know if he could share that with Hoseok's mother. She seemed trustworthy, but his mind was so used to never sharing such concerns with his parents. "I'm also sorry for coming unannounced and not bringing flowers. It just… happened."

“Oh no! What are you talking about? Hoseok’s usual visitors never get me flowers and I mostly also never see them again, so there’s that. You must have left an impression on him and that’s not an easy task. He is usually very independent and doesn’t let himself be persuaded, choosing who he likes and who he doesn’t quickly and keeping it rather stable. That’s why I think it’s interesting that it’s a back and forth with you both, isn’t it?” A warm smile appeared on the pale cheeks and he realized that despite Jeezy’s whimpers, the woman didn’t open the door, standing with him in front of it and talking like friends.

_Is she giving you privacy to say what you want to say?_

"The back and forth is my fault," he muttered and fumbled with his hands. He felt nervous somehow, standing there and talking about him and Hoseok with somebody who was so close to Hoseok.

_You haven't talked about him to anybody, because there is nobody you could tell._

"I'm giving him a hard time, because I'm not used to this at all. I don't mean to, but I just don't know what to do I guess." His eyes burned again, reminding him of the reasons he tried to be on his own. What was the point in bothering other people with his thoughts if there was nothing he could do about them? He was lost, wasn't he? A sinner as he is written in the books. "I'm sorry for telling you all that. Should I- take another bag? You don't have to stand here and listen to me. It must be heavy."

Mari placed the bags on the floor and wrapped her arms around him, patting his back. “Oh no, don’t give yourself all the fault, Hyungwon. He has his flaws too, you know? He tends to confront people with a very unapologetic attitude, expecting them to be the same. Sure, confident, unapologetic, righteous and all those other things that make him a little difficult to handle sometimes. You must be a bit overwhelmed by him, aren’t you?”

_You're overwhelmed by everything else because it suffocates you._

Hyungwon wanted to reply, to say something meaningless that could be easily brushed over and hid all those things he was trying not to think about. He really wanted to, but his voice didn't listen to him and neither did anything else. His eyes burned and his throat felt clogged, like he couldn't take a decent breath even if he tried. His back shook and he knew that there was no way to hide it anymore, to pretend that he wasn't crying while standing in the embrace of the mother of the man he desired more than anything. More than salvation or forgiveness or decency.

_One might think you are calling for death despite everything that was gifted to you._

“I’m so sorry, it must be really hard on you. I know that he really likes you. There must be something about you that made him stop and look twice and I’m happy that he did because I also think that you are a kind person. We don’t know each other, right? But the way he looks at you makes me very happy and I trust my son to know.” The hug didn’t loosen and Mari brushed over his hair with her cold hand, reminding him of Hoseok.

Hyungwon wished that he had a way to explain his tears, to tell her why he was reacting like this after coming all the way to her house. It must have seemed like Hoseok and him had an argument even though it was so much more than that. It wasn't about them arguing or about how much they cared about each other because Hyungwon knew that he cared, he knew that he loved Hoseok's smile and that he liked the person that Hoseok was. None of these things have ever been what broke his composure and confused him beyond belief. It was everything else, every single thing that went beyond friendship and showed him that he wasn't really breathing.

_That you weren't really living. Why does he make you feel alive if that's what you're constantly trying to deserve?_

"He makes me feel like I'm breathing for the first time, but all other times I just can't breathe," he forced out and used the back of his right hand to quickly wipe over his eyes. What was he supposed to do if he couldn't follow the plan that was made for him? What were the consequences? It was terrifying.

_You know the consequences, you knew them since you acted on your desire._

Hyungwon wanted to say it so badly, to have the words echo around him and see if anything would happen, if life suddenly faded from his body or pain filled his chest.

_He was right. You are a coward, hoping for the easy way out._

"I'm- I'm supposed to marry somebody, but I can't do it."

It was silent, only the careful touch against his hair continued repeatedly, not stuttering or giving a hint that what he said was terrible or should be judged.

“You shouldn’t do it if it’s not the person you want to share your life with, if it’s not the person who makes you feel alive, makes you feel as if you’re better than you actually are. You don’t have to, Hyungwon.” Mari’s voice sounded so comforting and sure that he wished he could feel the same way.

"There are too many consequences," he muttered in reply, aware that he had no way of explaining why he couldn't just decide not to follow through. "Too many people that will get hurt because of me."

He leaned back and brushed over his eyes again. He must have looked like a mess, crying in Mari's arms while telling her about his problems that she had nothing to do with.

“But what about you? What about you getting hurt?” The delicate hands brushed the tears from his cheeks as Mari smiled warmly, an expression he didn't deserve for his actions. “I think that is the most important. Whether you are getting hurt and if you are, we should do everything to help you to feel better. Is Hoseok able to do that? Is he a person who can make you feel good?”

Hyungwon swallowed, knowing the answer all too well without having to think about it. Hoseok was the only person that was able to make him feel better, to make him feel like nothing was going to happen as long as they were close.

_Until the moment breaks, but must it break?_

He nodded, hands yearning to wrap around Hoseok's neck and pull him closer, to feel what he hadn't been able to feel with anybody else.

_Are you this weak?_

“That’s nice. Then I hope that you can make him feel the same way because he planned to go to you on Monday. He doesn’t know where your parents live. He said you’re always at their place over the weekend.” Mari stepped back and took the bags, opening the door and walking into the kitchen before finally crouching down to play with the black Labrador who threw himself on the floor to get his stomach rubbed.

_He wanted to see you, by himself, even though you hurt him._

"Is- Hoseok home?" Hyungwon tried and swallowed once more before stepping into the apartment and feeling bad for walking in with his shoes on, but not planning to stay in case Hoseok isn't there.

“Mhm, he’s in the living room. He fell asleep watching a movie with us so we left him there. You can look to see if he’s awake yet.” Hoseok’s mom smiled and pointed at a room across from the kitchen that seemed huge.

“Hi, you must be Hyungwon, right? I’m Jin,” a male voice commented suddenly and he only belatedly realized that Mari was embracing somebody who was definitely not Hoseok. It was a tall man, black hair and broad build. “Nice to meet you! Hoseok pulled an all nighter doing whatever, I guess, so he fell asleep. Feel free to wake him up for us, we don’t want to be confronted with the consequences,” the man added and chuckled.

_It must be his dad. They are so casual._

Hyungwon did his best to be polite and quickly slipped out of his shoes, arranging them on a rack and took off his coat before wiping his tear-covered hand over his pants and quickly shaking the hand of Hoseok's dad. He wasn't quite sure why his name was known, but considering that Hoseok was upset at him they probably had a mixed view on him.

_But his mother sounded different._

Mumbling an introduction and that he was going to do his best, he hurried to the spacious living room. He felt out of place, because usually it had been just him and Hoseok and now that so many people knew about what was happening between them but no consequences followed, he didn't know what to think.

_But the consequences are only for you and your family. You know that you will experience them as soon as you go back._

The living room was mostly dark, but Hyungwon easily found Hoseok who was lying on the couch, curled up and resembling a child a little bit with his delicate hands folded under his cheek, his swollen lips and messy hair. He was only wearing sweatpants and a thin white muscle shirt, tattoos on his upper arm looking like shadows in the dimmed light.

Hyungwon stopped in his tracks, realizing that he had really come all the way to Hoseok's house, talked to his mother about his problems and was now only a few meters away from the sleeping man as if it was okay to just run to people's houses when he felt desperate.

_But she said that you hurt him and independent of whether he makes you feel better, you should be making him feel better._

The sight got to him even if he didn't want to admit it. Hyungwon liked the way the sweatpants hung low on Hoseok's hips and how easily he could see the hip bone and a prominent line that led lower. He also liked the form of Hoseok's arms and the tattoos on them which gave him a sense of familiarity. The brunette looked beautiful and peaceful and even when he sat down on the floor in front of the couch, he hesitated to wake the other man up.

_He looks breathtaking._

Careful to not apply too much pressure, Hyungwon reached out and fixed the muscle shirt that was about to slip down one shoulder. As soon as his fingers met pale skin, he couldn't help it anymore, letting them travel along the broad shoulders and muscular neck all the way to Hoseok's round cheeks. The curved lips were plumper than usual, but Hyungwon resisted leaning in. Instead he let his fingertips caress them while blaming himself for desiring the gorgeous man even when he was asleep, wanting to kiss him without permission.

_Why is it becoming harder each day? As if it keeps growing bigger inside you until it will give birth to death as a consequence._

Hoseok shifted a little, pouting cutely and leaning into his touch subconsciously.

"You're still like an angel to me," he whispered and leaned in to place a kiss against the warm forehead. For once it was warmer than him, especially after coming from outside.

_This doesn't count as a kiss, does it?_

Hyungwon really hoped that it didn't, because he couldn't help it. He placed another on Hoseok's eyebrows and then pressed one against the tip of his nose. His heartbeat was quick, but it couldn't compare to the anxious way he had felt next to Sarah at all. There wasn't even anything happening, but why did he yearn to be close to Hoseok while he felt nothing next to Sarah?

_Because he is a person that makes you feel good, just like she told you._

But who decided that? If his path was chosen, shouldn't there have been something to keep him from feeling this way? Something that made him enjoy Sarah's lips in the same way instead of making him unable to kiss them? It didn't make sense.

_You want to kiss him so badly, but he might not let you, especially after leaving him like that yesterday._

Hyungwon had somehow believed that he could go back to pretending, but today had shown him that everything had begun to crumble in his hands along with the biscuit, even his pretense.

There was a long inhale, accompanied by more shifting, before the black, round eyes focused on him. Hoseok was staring without moving or saying a single word until his eyes fluttered shut and opened once again.

"I'm going crazy, aren't I?"

Hyungwon shook his head as his heart beat was strong enough for him to feel it in his throat, hands trembling as they reached out and stroked over Hoseok's cheek and the warm neck.

"No," he breathed out and leaned in, perfectly aware of what he was doing and that he had no excuse, none at all as he bridged the distance and pressed his lips against the other man's, overwhelmed by the explosion that the contact evoked in his chest. "I am."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 7

It was a nice dream, a warm summer rain and he danced outside, warm drops hitting his face. It was a little cold, but the water seemed warm especially the drops that fell on his face. It was strange that the sky was blue and he felt the picture fade slowly before realizing that he was lying on a soft surface, warmth still caressing his cheeks, nose and lips.

_What's that?_

He opened his eyes, but instead of the living room that he could remember seeing last, there was only the gorgeous face that mainly consisted of thick parted lips and big hazel eyes that were looking at him with so much feeling that it immediately mirrored inside his chest and he felt his lungs constrict.

"I'm going crazy, aren't I?" he whispered, sure that his dreams had gotten scarier and realer.

Instead of dissolving into thin air, Hyungwon stroked over his cheek, whispering that he was the one going crazy before he felt the hot mouth on his, pushing awareness into him like a soul into a body. Hoseok was burning from the inside, like a match that the warm lips lit up in a matter of seconds and he yearned to move right into the fire, where it was the hottest and burned the most.

He removed his hands from under his head and curled them around Hyungwon's slim neck, to be close or to make sure he didn't leave like his previous dream, he didn't know for sure.

Hyungwon responded by leaning over him and crawling closer on his knees that were right in front of the couch. Long fingers raked through his hair as the other man kept pressing their lips together and only interrupted the touch to add more to the corners of his lips or his jaw. It seemed desperate, more so than the night before as Hyungwon repeated his admission of having lost his mind and whispered that he wanted nothing more than to kiss him.

"I'd rather be dead than away from you, Hoseok."

_You can't make this up, can you?_

He had never heard anything like this before. Nobody had ever told him that they'd rather be dead than to be apart from him. There was nobody like that and there was no need. The people Hoseok was usually with were there because it was fun, because it felt intense and they left because he never wanted anything more than that. There was no reason to want more. He was self-sufficient.

_Are you?_

It didn't feel like it at all. It felt as if he needed to hold Hyungwon with his whole body because the other man could leave at any second. He’d said that he wasn't supposed to do it, but not in a hypocritical kind of way, but suffering and genuinely believing that he was a bad person for his desire to be with Hoseok.

"Don't go," he whispered back and pulled the slim body on top of the couch, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing him as if there was nothing else he could've done. "I won't let you be miserable all by yourself. I hate it. I will find you and show you that you are wrong."

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around him and intertwined their legs, lips searching for his whenever they separated until the other man leaned back and met his gaze, eyes vulnerable and bloodshot as if he had cried.

"I have nowhere I could go," Hyungwon whispered and kissed his forehead, lips lingering a little longer than usual. "I know now that something must be broken in me, so broken that I can't even pretend."

_How can he even think something like that?_

"You're not. You're not broken, Hyungwon. Why would you say that? Is it because you want to be here? Is that the reason for thinking that way?" He grabbed the small face with both palms and locked their gazes.

The other man shook his head and bit down on his bottom lip even though the brown eyes remained focused on his face.

"I couldn't do it," the low voice muttered and there was so much self-loathing in Hyungwon's voice that it made him sick. "I couldn't even kiss her even though I'm supposed to, Hoseok. I never could, not when all of this was decided and not now. I just feel nothing, nothing apart from fear of what I might have to do next. How am I supposed to do as I'm told if I can't even pretend? I feel nothing unless it is you."

_Oh shit._

The 'her' must have been referring to the person his parents wanted him to marry and Hoseok got nauseous just thinking about how somebody could bear the responsibility of purposefully ruining the life of an innocent human being. A human that had to bear it for the rest of his life.

"I don't know what to say apart from 'don't'. Don't kiss her and don't touch her and most of all don't ever marry her if it's not what you want to do. Don't, Hyungwon. There's no 'supposed to' in this. Fuck this. They're supposed to let you decide what makes you happy? I don't care that they want you to marry her. I can't accept this shit if you're suffering from it and you just gave me another reason to not give up." Hoseok leaned in and kissed the beautiful thick lips. They felt like a cloud every time. "I'm going to keep kissing you because I know that you want it."

"I do," Hyungwon replied softly, words drowning in the next kiss they shared. "But I don't know what to do, how to act now that I know I cannot pretend. What if they see it? What if it's written all over my skin that I'm not the way they wanted me to be, that I cannot love a woman and be as planned?" The lean arms tightened around him and Hyungwon seemed so scared even though Hoseok struggled to understand what exactly he was so scared of.

_Be as planned. The sentence alone is so wrong._

"You feel attracted to a guy, so what? That's simply how your brain works, you can't force yourself to change it. It won't work, it's stable. The only thing you can do is pretend and feel fucking miserable and unhappy, but I won't allow that. Now that you caught me with your big eyes, your pretty scar and your ability to make me furious and emotional at once, I will consider this my personal business." If Hyungwon didn't know what to do, then he would be there to help him understand what it is that he really wanted to do.

"But what I don't understand is why God would make me this way if he has different expectations for me. Is it a test? A test that I'm failing?" Hyungwon sighed and leaned his head on the armrest of the couch, big eyes still observing him. "You think that I'm crazy now, right?"

_Holy fuck, religious talk._

_Okay, you can do this, Hoseok, you don't have a boner that will disappear, everything good._

"Let me just very carefully suggest that if the God you're talking about exists, they would be an entity that shouldn't give a single shit about whether you're kissing a woman, a man, a dog or your math assignment. Don't you think people take themselves too seriously? Thinking that there's something constantly monitoring what you think and where you stick your dick? Just a thought, no offense. You should be thankful that I don't have an erection. It would be gone now." Smiling briefly he distracted himself with how gorgeous Hyungwon looked and how much he actually wanted to kiss him again.

"You're trying really hard," the other man commented before smiling too. Luckily, he didn't seem offended by what he said. "I tried not to mention it, because I figured that you wouldn't understand, but faith is pretty important to me. I understand what you mean, but the idea is that humans are a creation, so it seems only natural that one observes one's creation. Of course, I don't know what is important to God and what isn't, but since he would want his creation to continue, procreation makes sense, hence the unity between a man and a woman. Not everybody has to follow that and I don't blame people for not having faith or living differently, but knowing that I would be dead without some supernatural interference makes this hard for me."

_Yeah, but calling lack of knowledge God is a little over the top, isn't it?_

Hoseok pressed his lips together to not straight up comment that it was all complete bullshit and a few dudes just made it all up to control others.

"It's hard because it's not logical. Do you know that it's not, or…?" he asked carefully, feeling exactly zero arousal which was okay but also kind of strange when lying next to an incredibly attractive man.

_Is that how they do the celibacy shit? Because all of it is just so ridiculous that you just can't get yourself to feel arousal at all._

"What do you mean by 'that'? Nothing is logical apart from math if you ask me." Hyungwon smiled and shifted a little closer before his expression turned more serious again. "I just know that me being alive isn't logical. Nobody can explain it, so there has to be something, you know? I grew up to believe that the something was God."

"I grew up to believe that the something was lack of knowledge," he replied. "I'm studying neuroscience, you know, and how the brain works. I've been interested in this topic for a long time because there's so much we don't know about the brain and how it works. So if you argued with me about this, I would tell you that your thoughts are nothing more than electric and chemical signals that are going along some pathway in the brain, so your thoughts about being alive because of God are there because that pathway is a frequent one. When you grow up and people tell you that faith is the way it is, the pathway gets stronger and you come back to it frequently, explaining to yourself and feeling familiar with it. What happens now is… a little complicated, I guess. The way your body reacts doesn't fit with the complex belief system that underlies that pathway that you have, so for you, doubting the implication equals doubting the pathway. It must be terrible." Suddenly Hoseok realized how much dissonance Hyungwon must be suffering from. He felt so sorry that he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the slim shoulders, pulling the other man into his embrace.

"I'm- I'm just so confused," Hyungwon whispered and leaned his head against his shoulder, breaths tickling Hoseok's collarbones. "You're basically telling me that I'm only thinking this way because my parents taught me to think this way. That my brain developed like this I guess, but there have been so many experiences independent of my parents that showed me that I must be existing for a purpose, that I can't just happen to be alive just like that. I should have died, but I didn't, so I need to repay it somehow."

_Man… are you sure you want to do this to yourself?_

"I want to blame everything on your parents for selfish reasons, but of course they are important because we learn from other people's behavior a lot. When you're a child you're scared, so fueling fears works well too, saying things like, 'if you didn't have faith you wouldn't be alive right now'. Of course, you believe it and are fucking scared as a result because we trust adults judgements. What I cannot understand is why anybody would care about what you are doing apart from your parents because they're controlling and conservative people who mind other people having a good time. But none of them is that entity you're talking about. And whatever it is, there's no such thing as repaying someone for being alive. You can be thankful, but this is not business. Being alive is your right and your nature. Your body metabolizes carbohydrates and gives them to the brain so that you can breathe, that your heart can beat, that you can see me and feel the need to kiss me and be close. All of it is in the same place, Hyungwon. In here." Hoseok pushed his finger into the other man's forehead.

"To be honest… it's not like I don't know that my parents are extreme. I told you before that I'm aware that most of their decisions concerning me are a little… unnecessary, but I cannot apply it to everything. I'm kind of the reason they are religious in the first place. They weren't before I was born and before the whole issue with my heart. It was afterwards that they switched everything around and said they have to do it right, to be thankful because I'm alive and make sure I'm the way it's supposed to be. How the hell am I supposed to talk to them about not being able to live the way 'it's supposed to be'? I can't give them a talk about the brain, Hoseok. They won't understand. I'm not even sure I understand, I only know that I can't help wanting to be with you and even though I keep expecting to get punished nothing is happening." Hyungwon slipped one of his legs in between Hoseok's as if he was testing the punishment he talked about, seeing if he got hurt for something as simple as seeking human contact.

_They made a reckless decision out of desperation and fear, forced it on him and now it's a mess. Classical parenting._

"You think you'll get punished? Do you want to try it out? I'll take you into my mouth and we'll see if lighting comes down and kills us both." Hoseok grinned and shifted closer.

"Did you just-" Hyungwon's eyes widened comically and he shifted as gorgeous colour covered his cheeks, telling Hoseok that the other man knew exactly what he had meant. "Sweet Jesus."

"Why? You don't like the image?" Hoseok smirked, loving the obvious reaction and how his words made the other man feel. "I like it a lot." His gaze turned playful as he reached for Hyungwon's neck and let his fingers stroke over the warm skin before travelling over the shirt the other man was wearing, stopping right at the waistline of his pants.

He could see that Hyungwon swallowed and glanced down at his hand before returning his eyes to his face.

"I'm only a little baffled by the fact that… I'm admitting to you that I'm scared of consequences and you talk about blowjobs so easily." The blush on the other man's face only increased as he inhaled through his nose and stared at the ceiling. "You're so… easy-going. Your parents are right behind that door, but neither you nor them seem to care. I can't get this into my head."

"I'm a scientist, Hyungwon. You are scared of consequences, so I want to experiment and see what kind of consequences there are." Licking his lips slowly, he leaned forward and exhaled hot air against Hyungwon's neck, speaking the next words right into the small ear, voice low and breathy. "But then again, I just really want to take you into my mouth."

"Have you never heard of 'curiosity killed the cat'? Also- you just woke up and must be tired and feel uncomfortable. And we're not really alone and-" Hyungwon started babbling, coming up with all kinds of reasons ranging from Hoseok's condition to his own concerns about not knowing how to deal with his situation because he couldn't just do everything he considered forbidden and then come back to his parents as if nothing happened. Towards the end, he sounded more embarrassed than anxious. "I've- I've never done that before, Hoseok."

"Curiosity gave the cat knowledge, enabling it to make informed decisions," he whispered, amused by Hyungwon's embarrassment. "You never did it before? You would be surprised how good it feels." Hoseok licked his lips again because damn, he wanted to see the expression on Hyungwon's face when he made use of his skills.

"I… bet," was the quiet reply as Hyungwon shifted again, face obviously burning.

"Don't you think you would look awesome between my lips?" Hoseok pointed at his mouth, playing with his bottom lip.

"Hoseok-" Hyungwon's big eyes followed his motions before they quickly slipped down, staring at his chest instead. The other man's exhales got quicker and he shifted his legs, one of which was still located between his own. "Don't do this to me."

"Why? Don't you want to know how that would make you feel?" He caressed the soft neck, fingers playing with the sensitive spot and sinking into the ash-brown hair.

"Not- not here," Hyungwon forced out and seemed to get even more embarrassed by the admission that it was a question of location only. The other man's big hands reached out to stroke over his shoulders and naked arms, burning against his skin because of how easily Hyungwon reacted to him. Rough breaths brushed over his lips and jaw. "Would you… kiss me again?"

_He must be so shy._

He was very much surprised by the fact that he loved it, even though it wasn't what usually turned him on.

"Mhm. I always want to kiss you," he whispered and started with the soft skin on Hyungwon's neck, placing open mouthed kisses against it and moving towards the pretty thick lips.

The other man's breaths hitched in response and Hyungwon pulled him closer, one leg smoothly wrapping around his. He loved how those lips felt against his own, giving in easily as Hyungwon parted them and licked into his mouth, tasting him while letting his hands roam over his shoulders and back.

"You make me feel so much, Hoseok," the low voice whispered against his lips before kissing him again. "I must really be crazy if I can't think about anything else but you."

The way he felt was like a hunger, an unquenchable desire that burned under his fingertips and on his tongue when he was finally able to inhale Hyungwon's scent, taste him and feel his burning body hesitantly shift closer to his own.

"I'm so fixated on you, I don't understand it either," he replied truthfully in the short break between their desperate kisses.

Hyungwon stroked over his hair and leaned back to trace his jaw with his lips, humming in agreement.

"This must be so difficult for you," the other man whispered before lifting his head again and meeting his gaze, body flush against his as Hyungwon allowed their noses to brush. "You must be used to so much more."

"I'm not going to lie, I'm used to having all of it at once, but I'm definitely not used to thinking about one person for such a long time and definitely not used to a kiss feeling this way. You're doing magic." Hoseok grinned into the touch of their lips to make his words seem less meaningful. "But don't feel pressured, it's no fun if the other person doesn't want it. That's why I was so angry when you implied that I would do something you don't like just to show you that I'm bad."

"I'm sorry for hurting you, back then and also yesterday." Hyungwon leaned in and licked over his bottom lip, tasting it before kissing him properly for a few seconds. "I don't feel pressured, not by you. I'm only lost because I don't know what I'm going to do as soon as you let go of me and everything starts suffocating me again. You might laugh if I tell you that I don't believe in magic, but the emptiness I feel when I'm away from you is too real."

_Why does he always manage to make you feel this way?_

"I think I'm not able to make you burn because you are faster, saying something that makes me feel… strange. Like I want to destroy anything that makes you miserable and hug you forever." Hoseok wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's waist and pulled him on top of himself, staring into the pretty brown eyes.

Hyungwon chuckled and cupped his face with both of his big palms before smiling widely.

"I told you that you are sweet," the beautiful man whispered and kissed him one more time. "With the smile of an angel. Is it your weapon? Temptation is supposed to be sweet and irresistible, but somehow I can't get myself to care when I'm next to you."

"I'm sweet, huh? I think you're the first person apart from mom who told me that. That's why I don't trust you. You should be saying that I'm hot and desirable. Sweet is not what I'm going for." Hoseok cupped the pretty face and took time to observe how long Hyungwon's lashes were, how pretty they fluttered when he closed his eyes, how the round nose complimented the red, plump lips that parted in rough exhales and the look, the look in those hazel eyes was what made him go completely crazy. How could anybody look at him like that?

"But everybody tells you that, Hoseok." Hyungwon smiled and used his thumb to brush over his lips, responding by parting his own as soon as he parted Hoseok's. It seemed like he did it subconsciously, mirroring his expression. "So shouldn't you already know that you are hot and… desirable? Just because I don't say it doesn't mean that I don't think it. I tried so hard not to look at you when we met at the pool. You know exactly what effect you have on others."

"But I want to have that effect on you, because I want you," he whispered, gaze intense and focused on the gorgeous expression on the other man's face. Hoseok wanted time to stop, to stop thinking about when Hyungwon had to go back home and feel like shit because of all those things that prevented him from being happy.

_That's why you want him to feel pleasure. All the pleasure there is._

"You do," the other man replied and kept his palm cupping his face, stroking over his skin and observing him intently. "Isn't it blatantly obvious from how my breaths hitch and how my hands shake because I want to touch you so much?"

"Then why don't you?" he asked, wrapping his legs around the skinny hips and pushing their groins together.

Hyungwon gasped which quickly transitioned into a moan before he caught himself, eyes wide and lips parted to exhale against his.

"Maybe I am just scared of what will happen once I do, whether I will be able to stop, whether there will be consequences." The other man shifted, gasping once more and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "I've never been close to anybody like this, nothing beyond kisses and touches that... didn't go well."

"Didn't go well? Maybe… they didn't know how to touch you right," he whispered and sucked the skin of Hyungwon's warm neck into his mouth, licking a strip from his earlobe to the jugular vein that quickly pulsated against his tongue.

"I think-" Hyungwon inhaled sharply and sucked his lips into his mouth, trembling from the way it must have felt. "I think it was rather me. She was very enthusiastic, but I- freaked out. Jesus, I can't believe I'm telling you this."

_Didn't go well, huh?_

"You can tell me, it's fine. The first time I had sex, the guy I was with was super aroused and enthusiastic and I pushed myself inside but orgasmed right away, that was hardcore embarrassing. Won't happen to me nowadays, but the memory still hurts," he chuckled and kissed Hyungwon again.

"I didn't even get that far," the other man muttered it reply, but he was smiling into the kiss. "I struggled to get aroused and there was only this feeling of liquid dread in my stomach. I felt so bad towards her and ended up avoiding her because she's seen me aroused before, but it wasn't next to her. Jesus."

_What a mess._

"That sounds highly complicated. Let's go to my room." He stood up, simply carrying Hyungwon along before he let the other man down and grabbed his hands, pulling him towards the hallway under the amused glances of his parents who were drinking coffee in the kitchen.

"Do your parents always drink coffee in the evening? They seem more like your friends," Hyungwon commented and looked a little awkward as he tried to greet them again on the way. "I don't know how long I'm able to stay. To be honest- I just ran and ended up here even before deciding to come here. But your mother was right, I feel better next to you."

"You talked to my mom? Oh no. I hope she didn't say anything… much." Hoseok pulled the other man into the room and locked the door. "You need to go? But I want to make you feel good before you go. I want you to know that you can and that you deserve to." Hoseok licked his lips and pushed the other man into the room until he fell on the bed.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and the blush that had faded a little didn't need long to return to its full glory.

"N-now?" the other man stuttered.

"Yes, now. Of course, I won't if you tell me that you don't like it, or don't want me to," he whispered as he crawled on top of the attractive body, slowly opening the buttons of the simple shirt and attaching his lips to the golden skin that was so warm that he shivered.

"What if they can tell what I did?" Hyungwon whispered suddenly, voice so scared even though there was nothing to be scared of. It wasn't even being close to him that the other man was so scared of. "I always feel like everything I do is written all over my skin in black ink but nobody but me can see it. As if to torture me."

"But it's not you, you're just lying here and then there's me, temptation, sin, the bad person or whatever people like me are called in your belief system. I'm the one taking the initiative to make you feel this way. They can't look into your head and it's not their business what you did, Hyungwon. Your life is yours. Stop thinking." Hoseok found one of the dark nipples, deliciously sucking it into his mouth.

Hyungwon moaned, sounds sweet in his ears and only motivating him to hear it again. The other man's hands reached out for his shoulders, stroking over them at first until they began to apply pressure, encouraging him to continue.

"Hoseok," the low voice whispered as fingers tugged at his hair until he lifted his head to meet those big brown eyes. Hyungwon's expression seemed vulnerable, like the other man wasn't sure what he was doing, but couldn't help it, couldn't resist the way his body burned up and his lips parted in a gasp. "Please touch me."

_You want him so badly, fuck._

Biting down on his lip and feeling his pants getting tighter with every passing second, he nodded and leaned down, caressing Hyungwon's flat chest, stroking over his scar and sucking his nipples into his mouth, teasing them with the tip of his tongue as his skillful fingers arrived at the waistband of the other man's pants, undoing the button in a split second. He wanted to say something, but all the things he usually said in moments like these seemed so unfitting, so his lips parted in a confession about how beautiful he thought Hyungwon was instead.

The other man didn't say a word and only inhaled rapidly before air passed through his lips in quick intervals and his chest rose and fell with anticipation. Hyungwon didn't glance away from his face even once, looking at him with every sign of pleasure right there for him to see and big hands tenderly stroking over his arms and shoulders. It felt intimate and the sheer trust that the other man was putting into him despite the blatant fear that Hoseok knew was there felt overwhelming.

The reactions were clear, the gasps and shifts of Hyungwon's long legs, the disappearance of hazel color from Hyungwon's eyes and the fabric at his groin that slowly filled out.

_Show him how fucking amazing it will feel to let go._

Smiling genuinely, he crawled up one last time and kissed the path from the pretty white line on Hyungwon's chest to his chin and finally his mouth before crawling back down and licking his lips in anticipation.

"You're gorgeous," he whispered and pulled all fabric down the slim hips, curling his cool fingers around the attractive length that somehow looked just like what a perfect erection should look like, long straight and full. Giving it a few strokes, Hoseok circled the tip with his tongue, teasing the slit and gaze not leaving Hyungwon's face, not even for a second.

He didn't know what he expected, but the curse that left Hyungwon's lips wasn't quite it, clearly spelling out 'fuck' as if the other man didn't have the capacity to reflect on what he was saying. Tension built up in the long legs and Hyungwon failed to contain a jerk of his hips, showing Hoseok how much he liked it. The gorgeous man gasped for air and threw his head back while his hands grabbed the sheets and tugged, pulling part of them off the mattress on the other side.

Breathing roughly, Hyungwon mumbled his name and looked up again, pupils blown and eyes wide as he watched him in awe.

"Oh my god."

_Why would he give him credit if it's you?_

Hoseok smirked and decided to let the leaking tip disappear between his lips, sucking roughly once before continuing with lighter sucks as he didn't forget to move his one hand along the shaft while his other played with Hyungwon's balls.

"Fuck- Hoseok," the other man cursed again and gave up on holding his head above the sheets, throwing it back and moaning with his mouth open. The sounds were beautiful and loud, just like Hoseok liked it. When feeling pleasure Hyungwon's voice was lower, vibrating through his body and adding to the constant trembles that passed through the long limbs from the ministrations. "This feels so good, I'm going mad."

_This won't be a long one, will it?_

Hoseok felt the twitches between his lips and decided to make it maximum pleasing, letting go for a few seconds before taking the pulsating length completely and moaning around it on his way back up.

Instead of blessing him with the almost scream that followed as Hyungwon's whole body contracted with the effects of an orgasm, the other man turned his head to the side and pressed his lips to the sheets, shaking from the aftermath. Whimpers of sensitivity followed and Hoseok felt tugging on his hair, but not strong enough to tell him to stop or move away.

"Hoseok, you-" Hyungwon mumbled but didn't finish his sentence as he inhaled roughly and stroked over his hair and shoulders again, brown eyes wide as they observed him. The bright blush on the other man's cheeks was beautiful, just like all other signs of post orgasmic bliss.

"I?" he asked after swallowing and kept teasing the other man's length because he really liked it and felt as if the pleasure was way too short.

Hyungwon threw his head back and moaned again, obviously sensitive as Hoseok felt another twitch against his lips. The other man's knuckles were white from holding onto the sheets and he subconscious spread his legs a little, breathing roughly.

"You make me want to kiss you and forget myself," the low voice finally breathed out as brown eyes met his and Hyungwon reached out to tug at his shoulders, urging him to move up. "I feel so dizzy, like I'm dreaming, but I don't want to wake up."

"You might taste yourself, but if it doesn't freak you out," he murmured, overwhelmed once again by the intimacy that Hyungwon managed to create independent of the situation they were in. Crawling up, he pulled the beautiful man into a tight embrace, kissing his forehead, his cheek and soft warm lips, constantly wondering what was so different about Hyungwon that made him act and think differently too.

***

The sounds around him faded out, turning into a pleasant buzzing in his ears. For once his surroundings corresponded to the blurred lines in his mind and it felt good to tune it all out, to only focus on the body of water he passed through as Hyungwon dove deeper. He tried to stay below the surface for as long as his lungs allowed him to, before breaking the surface and taking a much-needed deep breath.

_Would be nice if you could remain submerged for longer._

The weekend felt like a blur, something that he passed in a trance like state by acting the way he always did and pretending that he was the perfect son. He had done it all, apologized for his sudden disappearance, embraced Sarah who had been waiting for his return and told his parents some bullshit about last minute responsibilities.

Hyungwon didn't know if they believed a word of it, but after he joined his father for evening prayer and went to church Sunday morning, whatever doubts there might have been calmed down.

_But nobody can tell. As if it's only happening in your head._

When one of the neighbors asked him when he planned on finishing his studies and marrying Sarah, it seemed like he had dreamt his brief escape into Hoseok's arms. None of it felt real while he was surrounded by the same demands and expectations.

_But it has to be real. You'll go mad if it isn't, suffocate all by yourself._

The water was cold against his burning skin, not enough to cool it sufficiently but pleasant nevertheless. It was evening, not the time Hyungwon usually went for a swim, but he couldn't bear sitting in his dorm room anymore.

_You need to submerge yourself to make the outside correspond to the inside for once._

More people noticed him than in the morning, probably because they saw him for the first time. But as expected their interest faded quicker than when he was showing off his scar.

_Only your interest doesn't. You still think about it, unable to forget how he made you feel, how his lips feel against yours._

Hyungwon was taking a break at the edge, holding on and waiting for his lungs to recover and his muscles to stop burning so he could swim more laps, exhaust himself sufficiently to fall into bed without a second thought.

_Because you couldn't sleep yesterday._

He still didn't know what to do or how to act. There was no way for him to break free from the trance that he seemed to be in. He had felt nothing as he talked to his parents and said the things they wanted him to say. One might have thought he used up all the emotions he had, being next to Hoseok, only to return to his parents as an empty shell.

_Why aren't the consequences coming yet?_

It wasn't like he accepted the way he felt, not yet, but he knew that there was no point in pretending it wasn't there. He could feel it whenever his mind created a thought that concerned Hoseok, remembered his touch or his smile. The feelings weren't comparable to what he knew and Hyungwon couldn't tell himself that they weren't there.

_You can't lie to yourself anymore. It's not lack of experience and it's not about him. It's you feeling that way._

He sighed out loud and leaned on the edge of the pool, observing the few people that prepared to swim a few laps. A man climbed up the stairs to the 10 meter diving board, well-built for swimming with muscular arms and clearly defined abs. The thighs were similarly formed, showing decently because the older man was only wearing speedos that he filled out rather well.

_Why are you staring?_

Shocked by how long he had been observing, Hyungwon quickly turned away and focused his attention on the wet tiles in front of his nose. They were shaded white and light blue and definitely more appropriate than checking out the bodies of other men, excusing it with a healthy interest in swimming.

_Is that what you have been doing all this time?_

He swallowed as his mind easily provided him with the brief glance of Hoseok's naked body he had enjoyed before, similarly defined muscles and black ink that decorated it gorgeously. Hyungwon's mind was a mess that jumped from thinking of Hoseok's smile and wanting to cover the pale face with kisses to the desire to see the brunette moan the way he had that one night, when it was genuine.

_What is it now? Can't you settle on something?_

He was so busy furiously staring at the tiles that he didn't realize that a pair of pale feet had appeared right next to his hands. A snake tattoo was gracing the right foot and Hyungwon felt himself swallow even before he decided to glance up. His eyes passed over muscular, pale legs all the way to thick thighs, right one covered in ink and tight swimwear leaving less to imagination than one might think.

He licked his lips quickly and hoped that his face didn't look as hot as it felt.

"Did you space out?" Hoseok's low voice asked before the other man crouched down and sprinkled some water into his face with a bright smile.

"I got distracted," he muttered truthfully and wondered how he could have been embarrassed by staring at another man if glancing at Hoseok without pants already made it possible to fry an egg on his face.

Hoseok looked gorgeous, brown hair wet and a few drops covering his handsome face and the curved lips that Hyungwon liked so much. The other man's arms and thighs were flexed because he crouched down and Hyungwon really felt helpless at this point, staring and hoping that it looked like he was admiring the tattoos.

_How are you supposed to remain focused if his presence makes you want to pull him down into the water with you and kiss him?_

"Distracted? By me? Sounds reasonable. I got distracted by you too, I watched you swimming and also checking that dude out, but my thighs look way better and my abs have more definition, just so you know and don't waste your time on less than you deserve." Hoseok sat on the edge before slipping into the water next to him.

_Jesus Christ._

Hyungwon was immensely thankful that Hoseok didn't decide to remain sitting on the edge with his groin right in his face. He had never considered that particularly problematic, but his mind must have rewired and decided that everything related to Hoseok was a very good reason to get aroused.

_Be thankful that the water is cold._

"As if I can really think about anybody but you anyway," he replied eventually and chewed on his cheek before allowing himself to return his gaze to Hoseok's face.

Hoseok crossed his arms, staying above the surface by moving his legs and rolled his eyes. "You shouldn't because I have it all and I can do it all too, so don't bother. Do you want to go to the sauna? I finished my routine, so I'm ready for some heat but now that you're here I want to take you along."

_The sauna? Really?_

He wasn't sure how going to an even hotter place where Hoseok wasn't going to wear any clothes in the first place was supposed to make him feel any better. But the way the brunette seemed to want him to only think about him made him smile. It was cute somehow.

_Only that he already achieved that without knowing how bad it is._

"I finished my usual routine, but- I kind of hoped to exhaust myself. I told you before that I've never been to a sauna. I don't like being naked around a lot of people." He smoothly ignored the fact that there weren't a lot of people one and a half hours before closing time.

_You're worried that you will react, aren't you?_

"There is no one. It'll exhaust you nicely and you'll be able to sleep well. Plus as there is no one, we can talk to each other without being judged. Come on." Hoseok winked and poked his side before gesturing to get out.

_Do you even have any decent arguments?_

He didn't feel like there were any that would have convinced Hoseok. He held onto the edge and pulled his body on top of it, belatedly realizing that now he was the one confronting Hoseok with his groin as the other man remained between his legs.

"What if I react?" he finally whispered truthfully and glanced to the side, embarrassed because Hoseok didn't shift away.

"To me?" the other man whispered and grinned. "I'll be able to deal with it. It's not that you'll be reacting by coming down my throat, so don't worry. To be honest, even if it is, don't worry. It's hot."

_Oh god._

"But not in public," he muttered and shifted a little, thereby brushing his right calf over Hoseok's shoulder because the other man was still happily floating between his legs. "People don't go to saunas to get hard. It'll be weird and they'll already stare because of my scar."

The worst part was that Hyungwon wanted to go. He wanted to spend more time next to Hoseok and he shamelessly wanted to see him naked.

"It's just us and the 90-degree Finnish sauna, Hyungwon. Nobody will judge you apart from yourself, and you're doing a great job, so don't worry." Hoseok propped his hands next to his hips and lifted his upper body out of the water, brushing over his inner thighs and chest, face so close that it burned before laughing and letting himself fall back. "Let's not do this when you're shy about bystanders. I'll be a good boy, I promise."

_You'll be able to be next to him._

"Okay," he finally agreed and got up, standing there in his swimwear and t-shirt while wondering how Hoseok made everything seem so easy. The brunette was so relaxed about his body, perfectly aware that at least two people glanced in their direction when he climbed out of the pool and showed off the drops that travelled down his pale skin. Hyungwon might have felt out of place if Hoseok's delicate hand hadn't reached for him and pulled him along towards the locker rooms.

"You'll have to teach me though," he commented once they entered the showers and he quickly washed his hair with shampoo without bothering to undress. At least he didn't keep his eyes shut, so it was already less embarrassing than last time.

"I will, just undress and I'll get a big towel for you!" Smiling like a happy child, Hoseok stepped out of the shower and disappeared behind the locker rooms.

Hyungwon fought with his hesitation, but simply pulled off his clothes in the end and furiously washed his body with the shampoo to be clean. Then he wrapped his towel around his hips because it wasn't big enough for everything else and made his way to his locker, face already burning.

Hoseok was standing there with a big towel around his hips and typed something into his phone with a smirk, before the smirk disappeared and he smiled at him. "I got you a big towel. You put it on the wooden bench and lay or sit on top of it. Naked." The other man put away his phone and gave him the towel, gesturing towards the spa.

"So I can't cover my lap I guess," he muttered and quickly dried himself before putting the wet clothes into his locker and covering his hips with the big towel. Even though it was big enough, he felt embarrassed wrapping it around his chest like a weirdo. He changed the topic by pointing towards Hoseok's phone. "Did something good happen?"

Hoseok looked confused for a second, before replying and walking into the spa area that was indeed empty. "Something good? No, someone wanted to meet up and I said no. But look, there's no one here!"

_He cancelled it for you?_

"Mmh," Hyungwon agreed and already felt better because there was indeed nobody around. He also felt strangely happy because Hoseok decided that it's nicer to hang out in the sauna with him even though he freaks out than meet whoever wrote to him. The thought plastered a smile on his face and he glanced at his feet because it must have been obvious. "I'm… kinda thankful."

"Don't worry, it was just someone who wanted to have sex, but I'd rather spend the time with you." The interesting thing was how Hoseok looked a little surprised after replying, as if he didn't expect to say something like that. But as usual, the pale face quickly returned to its familiar expression and Hoseok left his slippers in front of a glass door, gesturing inside.

_He'd rather be with you than sleep with somebody?_

Hyungwon wasn't sure how his company could compete if sex was anything like the way he had felt on Saturday, but he felt ridiculously happy, so happy even that he forgot he had to be naked when he followed Hoseok into the hot room.

_But why does it make you so happy? Because you hate the thought of him meeting somebody else just like you hated the sight of him kissing that guy?_

"That's why I'm thankful," he repeated and let his fingers run over Hoseok's arm, only briefly because he felt like he needed the touch but knew that it wasn't necessarily the right place for it. "I agreed because I wanted to be with you."

"You don't need to be thankful, I made a conscious decision to be with you right now, so I'm glad that you went along even though you're shy." Another smile was his reward before Hoseok simply undid the towel around his hips, spread it on the highest bench and lay down, one leg bent and pointing at the bench right across from him. "You can lay there. Or do you want to be under me? On the bench I mean."

_You need him so much._

Hyungwon swallowed because Hoseok had to clarify and because he was obviously staring. His eyes passed over Hoseok's muscular thighs and even though one leg was bent and he couldn't see as much as he secretly wanted to, his breaths sped up regardless.

"Which is closer?" he asked quietly and undid his towel, waiting for Hoseok to tell him while he stood there naked in the dimmed light.

_Do you want him to react too? Why are you doing this?_

"Ah, Hyungwon, fuck my life," the low voice murmured before the other man chuckled and pointed at the bench right under him, changing the leg he was bending.

Hyungwon stared, unable to help it and didn't even know how he would have described his feelings if somebody asked him to. Hoseok was beautiful and it didn't have anything to do with the fact that the brunette was a man and muscular and ridiculously attractive. There was so much more to it that pulled him in, more than the newfound knowledge of how Hoseok looked naked, that he was well-endowed with a gorgeous and thick length and that Hyungwon couldn't have looked away even if he hadn't known him.

_But you know him and it makes you tremble._

He didn't want his hands to shake but they did as he reached out and placed his towel on the bench below Hoseok's, lying down on it and staring at the ceiling even though he wanted to stare at Hoseok instead.

_Why do you want him so much? What is it?_

His hands were placed at his sides, but instead of keeping them still his brain kept telling him to reach out, to touch the pale skin of Hoseok's thighs and to trace the dips in his abdominal muscles. Hyungwon wanted to see him smile, but he also wanted him to be less nonchalant, to be just as breathless as he felt.

"Isn't it unfair that I can look at you from up here and you can't really see me from down there?" Hoseok must have smiled from the sound and inhaled deeply. "Would you like to sit next to me instead? Or are you feeling good like that?"

_You're not._

"But I can touch you," he whispered, barely loud enough for himself to hear as he lifted his right hand and let it caress the skin of Hoseok's thigh, mesmerized by how easily it sped up his breaths. He was nervous, worried that Hoseok might tell him to stop, but still he traced the firm skin all the way to the prominent hip bone before sitting up and meeting the other man's gaze. His fingers were still right there, tracing the prominent vline. "Where would you like me to sit?"

The gorgeous man was looking at him intently, pale skin warmed up and gaining color. "Honestly? On top of me," Hoseok replied, voice low and breathy. "But that's probably not what you meant, so the next best would be next to me, I guess."

Hyungwon didn't move at first, fingers still tracing the pale skin and eyes examining the expression on the other man's face, the increasing blush and the dark eyes. How much of it was due to the heat? He couldn't tell, just like he couldn't tell what consequences his actions might have.

_Are you experimenting too?_

Lifting up from his spot on the bench, he didn't sit down close to Hoseok's feet or the wet, brown strands. It felt too far away, too much like he was acting against the urge he kept feeling at the tips of his fingers.

_The heat must be getting to you._

Stroking over Hoseok's chest with both of his palms, he threw his left leg over the other man's broad body and kept the other one step lower to stabilize himself. He must have been crazy, following a comment that left Hoseok's lips just like that and sitting down on the other man's lap as if they weren't at a public sauna.

_He reacts, so you can't help but act._

"Fucking hell, Hyungwon," the low voice breathed out, black eyes fluttering shut for a second before he could feel Hoseok's hands on his thighs, still cool in comparison to his burning skin. The other man was observing him, gaze travelling over his body, his shoulders and chest, his scar, stomach and thighs and finally staying on his groin for a little longer. "I would say 'don't do this to me'. But that would be a blatant lie. Fuck, please do this to me. All of it."

_He seems so desperate too._

"Even though somebody could come in?" he asked quietly, but his voice didn't sound scared. He didn't feel scared, as if all his previous concerns were suddenly meaningless and the only thing that mattered was the sensation of Hoseok's skin against his own and the brunette's groin that brushed over his behind.

_It's temptation._

Hyungwon should have stopped, excused himself for losing his mind and acting on the sudden desire that he felt for Hoseok. He should have, but he didn't. Instead his let his fingers explore, tracing the firm chest, brushing over the other man's nipples and fingers walking towards the pale face like two legs would. Just when their gazes met again, Hyungwon remembered the way he had pulled a moan from those curved lips before, how he had seen what genuine pleasure looks like on Hoseok's face.

Inhaling sharply, he moved his hips in a smooth motion, only briefly as he let them slide forward before moving back.

The low, vibrating moan was gorgeous, especially with the visual input of the red mouth parting and eyes rolling back. "Fuck. Didn't you say you were scared to react? But here you are, sitting on top of me and making me go crazy in a public sauna. Please don't stop." The delicate hands traveled up his thighs, nails leaving lines before going up to his chest and playing with his nipples.

Hyungwon gasped, not expecting to receive stimulation in return. He wanted Hoseok to be just as unable to resist as he was, to keep telling him not to stop as he moved his hips again, sliding them over the obvious length that slowly filled out below his behind. He wouldn't have dared to say it out loud, but he liked it, he liked Hoseok reacting to him and asking him not to stop. He basked in the moans that left those curved lips. His fingertips brushed over the red mouth as he still moved his hips, realizing that the sweat developing on their skin made it easier while the heat only made it more intense.

_You want him to go crazy, but even more than before._

"Why do you have to be so attractive, shit, do you even know how fucking gorgeous you would look riding me?" Hoseok continued biting on his bottom lip, hands roaming his body and eyes rolling back when he pushed his hips down during the slide. He could feel the thick length pulsate and twitch when he managed to pull out moans that sounded desperate and hot.

_He likes it so much._

The truth was that Hyungwon liked it even more. He loved the change of expression, how uncontrolled it seemed to be and that he was the source of it. Instead of being the only one going mad, he was able to share it, to pull those sounds from Hoseok's lips and help the brunette contain them when they got a little too loud for the small room. Hyungwon hated containing them, but he didn't want to be stopped, he wanted to see Hoseok lose it under him and beg him not to stop just like before.

His hips seemed to have learned the motion easily, aided by Hoseok's hands that applied pressure to make it just the way the other man liked it, length sliding along in between his butt cheeks and feeling so much better than he dared to admit.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, knowing well how shameless that was because he wanted to hear the opposite, have Hoseok say out loud how much he liked it.

_Maybe you are temptation, pulling him into sin all by yourself._

"No, don't stop, please don't stop," Hoseok moaned, cheeks pink and voice rough and low. It seemed as if the other man would've done so much more if he hadn't been caught in the constricting position, only able to use his hands and pull him over his prominent erection. "Damn, if you knew what I would do if I could move and if I knew that you want it too. You're beating me with my own associations." Hoseok chuckled before moaning once again, hands tightening around his hips and pulling him closer, motions more desperate. Suddenly the blushed face was right in front of his as Hoseok sat up and leaned in. "I'm going to come like this because there's so much more happening in my head. Do you want me to come, Hyungwon?" the low voice asked before Hoseok sunk his teeth into his neck.

_You do, that's exactly what you wanted, isn't it?_

Hyungwon moaned, stuttering in his motions before he resumed them with the help of steering hands on his hips. His fingers sank into the longer strands and tugged with each roll of his hips as he realized that he was out of breath, gasping from watching Hoseok's bliss.

He wanted to ask so bad, to know what it was that happened in Hoseok's mind and drove him mad in addition to the friction that his hips were able to provide. Hyungwon felt each moan against his neck, contained by every single bite that followed and burned him up from the inside.

"Do it," he gasped and let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the motion of his body and how much he actually liked the slide of it, how it burned along with the air temperature and how it made him want to melt into Hoseok's body and connect their lips. "For me."

Hoseok took the lead, sliding him over his length, low sounds that were moving between moans and something that was rougher, louder and so much more sexual as he felt the thick erection twitch and pulsate against him, covering Hoseok's stomach and a bit of his own thighs in the release that felt cool against his burning skin while the other man threw his head back, heartbeat pulsating in his neck, breathless and gorgeous like he imagined temptation to be.

_How are you supposed to not want this?_

Hyungwon was gasping too, waiting for regret, guilt and consequences to hit him the way they usually did. They should have after shamelessly provoking Hoseok himself and wanting to see the gorgeous man feel pleasure, so much that he couldn't contain it.

_Maybe you'll stop breathing now, as you expected._

He should have, but he didn't. Instead there were only his loud breaths, Hoseok's gorgeous post-orgasmic bliss and the overwhelming need to kiss him. Reaching out, he cupped the pale face and kissed each of Hoseok's eyes before connecting their lips and licking into the hot mouth. He didn't even care about his position or about the fact that somebody could have seen them. Now it was too late anyway and he wanted to be close, to show that Hoseok had the strange ability to pull him in by existing alone.

"How do you manage to own all of me with a single glance?" he whispered and wrapped his arms around the firm neck, enjoying the body contact even though he should have been embarrassed about being undressed. His arousal was obvious and a drop of precum joined the mess on Hoseok's stomach.

"I don't think I was the one owning you just now," Hoseok commented, glancing at the hourglass that he had turned after entering the sauna. There wasn't much sand left. "Now that nobody has thrown us out yet, I can taste you AAs well, right?" Taking Hyungwon's smaller towel, the brown-haired man wiped over his stomach and smiled playfully, one finger spreading the precum over his tip.

_He switches so easily when he's in control._

Hyungwon found himself enjoying both, having Hoseok moan under him and having the brunette smile at him and offer to make him lose his mind.

_You just like him, no matter what he does._

"Won't I be too loud? I tend to be-" he admitted and shifted on top of the muscular thighs, already gasping because the simple touch felt so good.

_Why aren't you worried about where you are? Is it because it doesn't feel real?_

"It won't be long and we can't stay much longer if we don't want to faint, so I'll do my best to make it quick." Hoseok pushed him from his lap and pointed at the farthest corner next to the door where people couldn't see if they looked from outside. "Would you like to fuck my mouth? Or did you like the way I did it last time?" Hoseok licked his lips and looked so intrigued just from staring between his legs shamelessly and the outlook of pleasing him with his mouth.

"W-what?" he muttered, a little taken aback and not fast enough to cover his groin with his hands to hide a brief twitch. His brain remembered too well how it felt, even if it had felt surreal after the trance that followed after. "You're asking a lot of questions to somebody who only recently learned that he enjoys all of this."

"Don't hide your reactions, they are what makes me go crazy," Hoseok breathed out and pushed him against the wall, taking his legs on top of his shoulders while kneeling on the lower bench and immediately closing his curved lips around his dick.

"Oh God," he moaned and hit his head against the wooden wall with such force that the bench they sat on shook in response. He couldn't have cared less though, not even about the pain at the back of his head. Hoseok's lips felt like pure bliss, a fog of pleasure that settled over his mind but made him hyper aware of the heat inside his body, of how good it felt to be touched. "Please," he begged and intertwined his hands with Hoseok's hair, tugging at it when it felt especially good and his thighs shook.

Hoseok didn't say anything, lips busy with providing him pleasure as there was only the intense sensation of vibrating humming against his tip and the other man's hands that played with his balls and massaged a spot under them that felt really nice but he couldn't quite locate. The sensations blurred when Hoseok moved down and took him whole, lips touching his groin before moving up and intensifying the motions of the warm tongue.

It felt good, so good that Hyungwon lost track of the sounds that left his lips, mouth remaining open to gasp and moan without restraint as Hoseok smoothly slid his lips up and down his length. His thighs had already begun to shake before he even realized that he was close, tension building and making him beg without a break, repeating Hoseok's name and how much he wanted him but didn't dare to admit it, all those things one shouldn't be saying out loud. When an orgasm finally washed over him it was accompanied by another wave of pain at the back of his head and bliss that was so intense it seemed to spread throughout his whole body beginning with his groin and going right to his head, white stars dancing in front of his vision as he got dizzy.

_Is this the point at which you die?_

Hyungwon's hand was shaking as he reached out to place it on top of his heart, to feel whether it was still beating or stopped because he had gone too far.

"We need to go out, I'm dizzy too because unfortunately we need air and making each other beg in 90 degrees is admittedly a lot of fun, but also strains your body. It's been way over 20 minutes." Hoseok appeared from between his legs, licking his lips as if swallowing his release was delicious and pulled him into an embrace, wrapping the towel around his hips carefully.

Hyungwon tried to pay attention to what was happening around him, but everything seemed to fade into a mass of dim colors and Hoseok's face. Stars kept dancing in his vision and the hammering in his ears was so loud that he couldn't hear anything else.

_What if you are really dying? You expected it, didn't you?_

Hyungwon didn't know what it felt like, but awareness seemed to be slipping away from him just like the feeling at his fingertips that used to be Hoseok's skin before. It was all fading away and leaving him with nothing but his own thoughts.

_But what if he will be hurt? You can't just die and leave him like this._

"Hoseok- I" he mumbled and tried to reach out, but he couldn't even feel the arms that wrapped around him. The other man said something too, even if Hyungwon wasn't able to hear him, vision still blurry. He tried so hard to come up with words that did his feelings justice, that were a good way to end everything while being truthful.

"I'm in love with you."

Only when he forced those thoughts past his lips, he allowed his body to give in, waiting for his heart to stop beating. The blackness was faster, covering his vision and erasing every single sound until his awareness turned off.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 8

_You didn't think it would end like this._

The thought was clearly an understatement in the light of what actually happened instead of the 'little bit of teasing and making each other horny plus nice conversation with dick out' that Hoseok actually thought of when he pulled his handsome math tutor into the sauna and lay on the top bench to sweat better.

_You did sweat better._

Hyungwon was like a different person, touching his thighs and asking him where he wanted him with those gorgeous eyes and parted lips and the long golden body, fuck, what else was he supposed to say apart from the truth?

_Just that he did it. He just sat on your lap and made you come just by moving on top of you. You're taking anything lately, aren't you?_

_Or you're only taking it if it's from him._

He had no regrets, not a single one. Not when he could barely breathe with the other man's perfect dick in his mouth and not when Hyungwon came down his throat with a gorgeous scream that he wished he could hear all the time.

Something about the handsome face was worrisome, but he didn't know what and he also felt quite dizzy deepthroating Hyungwon in a 90 degree sauna without much oxygen.

_Risky._

When the slim arms reached for him and he met the half-lidded eyes that looked at him with a desperation he didn't expect at all, words left Hyungwon's lips that he would have never expected to hear. Not in a sauna, not after a blowjob, not from Hyungwon and to be honest not from anyone else either, because he usually didn't meet anybody often enough for anything like that to happen.

_But it did._

'I'm in love with you,' Hyungwon had said before fainting right when he managed to tie the towel on his hips.

_Why would he say that?_

Hoseok was unsure what to do with the confession as he pulled the slim body out of the sauna, not bothering with his own towel because he had no time and didn't give a shit anyway. Next, he carried Hyungwon into the resting area and placed him on one of the lounges, quickly getting a glass of water. Only then he wrapped a fresh towel around his hips.

"Hey, let's drink some water, huh?" he murmured, holding Hyungwon's head and the glass to his lips. Has his tutor always been so handsome and soft? He didn't feel that way when they first met, did he?

_Don't think about it. He just said it. He probably thought he was dying or something._

Definitely! The other man must have meant god, or whoever he was afraid of. Why would he tell him that he was in love with him for no reason? They didn't even - date or anything. They just…

_He has a girlfriend and you're the dude on the side._

He shook his head. The way Hyungwon had held his hand to his heart and everything. He must've been scared of dying.

Hyungwon looked absolutely beautiful lying there with his parted lips, cute curled up ears and the pretty scar on his chest.

_Maybe you're the weird one._

He stared at the handsome face and the small nostrils as they moved to suck in and release air and how the red lips pouted a bit when he put the cold glass against them.

_He's adorable._

Leaning in, he kissed Hyungwon's lips once before trying to wake him up and make him drink again.

"Imagine if I have to call the hospital and they tell your parents that you fainted in a sauna after pseudo riding me and getting a blowjob."

There was a shift in the slim body, but he doubted that it was because of his words. For that Hyungwon reacted too slowly, groaning softly and stretching out his limbs. Judging by the obvious frown the other man must have been suffering from a headache, understandable after fainting in the sauna.

"H-Hoseok?" Hyungwon whispered eventually when his eyes fluttered open and he reached for his cheek, cupping it as if he was precious and a puff of magic that the other man was envisioning. It felt a little surreal because of the obvious affection and gentle touches. "I must really be dead if your face is the first thing I see. But why does everything hurt so much?"

_He did think that he was dying._

"You didn't die, Hyungwon, and you need to drink because you lost sweat and cum and are dehydrated. You were… babbling before you fainted. Did you think you were dying? And if yes, does that mean that you think you went to hell because I'm here? It's a good place." He grinned and put the glass to the other man's lips making him drink all of it.

Hyungwon swallowed greedily before visibly reflecting on his words as a pink tongue licked over the full lips. At first there was confusion on the pretty face, confusion that fluently transitioned into terror and parted lips that didn't manage to say anything.

"I- It really felt like it," he admitted eventually and glanced away, obviously embarrassed by his conclusion. "I stopped feeling your hands and couldn't hear what you said even though I saw that you were talking. Everything blurred and I was waiting for my heart to stop beating, the way I always thought it would. It- it was terrifying to be honest."

The way that Hyungwon inhaled without elaborating further was enough of a sign that he must have meant every word, body tensing at the thoughts until brown eyes finally met his and Hyungwon cupped his cheek.

"I didn't care if it was heaven or hell when I woke up. I… was just happy that it had you."

_That… Wow._

Hoseok really wasn't the one to be shy, not at all, but the fact that Hyungwon treated him with so much affection overwhelmed him. It was so unfitting to the reality of things.

"But why… me?" he whispered, feeling the sensation of warmth on his cheek even though they'd both been in the sauna, but only he had cooled down again.

_He's so much warmer than you._

"Because…" Hyungwon began, thumb still stroking over his cheek as the brown eyes suddenly widened in surprise and lips parted without saying anything. "Well- you make me happy. You're really sweet."

The other man let go of his cheek and leaned back against the lounger, chewing on his cheek and closing his eyes.

"I must still be dizzy, I'm sorry. I'm sure there's lots of reasons, you have a gorgeous smile, you care about what I think and don't force me to be miserable. Lots of reasons."

_Aha._

"I… like you. I mean - I told you before, that's why I want to spend time with you and I don't mean to be weird about it, it's just… maybe I should faint too to reset my consciousness. Water?" He went to the drinking corner that offered a few bottles of water, taking one and carrying it to Hyungwon who accompanied him with his gaze.

"I like you too. I think I was even first in suggesting that we spend time together." A smile spread Hyungwon's lips, but it disappeared quickly when he accepted the bottle and drank half of it. "Don't forget to have some too. You also need to drink. I'll be fine, I'm not dead after all. Only back in the reality of things." There was a hint of resignation in the other man's voice.

_You didn't want that. You didn't want that to happen at all._

"What? No! Listen, I know that you love God and everything, but my words still mean the same. I told you that I won't let you be miserable by yourself, you don't deserve it and I don't like it. The way you acted in there, wow, I mean, you completely owned me, and I remember every single thing from the way your body looked to how you lost consciousness, so… why do you… look so sad?" He placed the bottle on the small table and reached for Hyungwon's scar, before changing his mind and taking the other man's hand instead.

"Everything?" the other man asked before smiling suddenly. "I remember everything too. You seem to think that I'm upset, but that's not quite true. I simply catch myself on the thought that maybe it would have been nice to be in heaven or hell after all. You know… because then there wouldn't be moments like these when I have to return to what I know. But I'm glad that I met you today, Hoseok."

Hyungwon squeezed his hand before letting go and brushing over his hair once, touch as tender as always before he got up and took a few breaths to stabilize himself. The other man fixed the towel around his hips and gestured towards the exit.

"Shall we? They already announced that they are closing."

He hummed, observing the handsome face closely and feeling the need to change whatever made Hyungwon's smile disappear.

"You're glad that you met me today? Then meet me tomorrow too," Hoseok murmured, overtaking him and walking towards the lockers.

_

"Why does he have to be so fucking beautiful? He makes me feel all kinds of things, weird things." Hoseok packed the notebook into his backpack and threw it over his shoulder absentmindedly.

"Who's he? You mean his dick or his body? He makes you feel weird things? Did you decide to try bottoming again?" Kihyun grinned and punched his shoulder playfully.

"Huh? Bottoming? No, it's still not my thing. No, I mean… like- apart from the whole sexual business, he's handsome and funny and he looks at me with those big eyes of his, I can't even explain it." He waved at Lien who came in for her lecture just as he left the seminar room.

"Scary shit," his best friend commented with a bright grin. "At this rate you might get married and adopt two kids, oh my god. Who is the lucky one? Does he drink vodka while riding a motorbike with one hand? Did you introduce him to Mari?"

_What?_

"I'm nineteen. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not going to marry, and kids are gross and have no logic whatsoever. And you don't either, apparently." Hoseok shook his head and didn't say anything about the fact that his mother knew Hyungwon and that his tutor was the one having to marry some woman he didn't feel attracted to. "I'm going to drop by the dorm, I need to ask Hyungwon about some stuff the professor was talking about, I just don’t get it."

_Math, huh?_

"You're so diligent, he must be a really good tutor," Kihyun replied with a raised eyebrow but he simply ignored it, walking quickly from his own thoughts that were complicated and didn't fit into any of the schemes and pathways his brain was used to.

_

His heart was beating fast when he stood in front of the door that looked as if people had kicked against it many times, smile spreading his lips because he was looking forward to seeing those big eyes again.

_You weirdo._

Because there was no neuronal pathway, but if there wasn't one then he was going to create one. The brain had enough plasticity and Hoseok was going to do his best to teach his brain the right way. Plastering his usual grin on his face, he knocked three times and waited.

There was shuffling on the other side and a voice before the door opened much faster than usual and Hoseok was met with the face of a girl. She had really bright green eyes and long black hair, reaching almost to her waist. Instead of the usual college look she seemed to prefer elegant, wearing a long green dress with sleeves. What caught his attention right after her eyes and the golden cross around her neck was Hyungwon, who was leaning against the wall behind her and seemed rather miserable until his eyes fell on Hoseok.

_It's his pseudo bride, isn't it?_

"Good evening, are you a friend of Hyungwon's?" the girl asked politely, smiling as she stepped to the side to let him in.

"That's Hoseok," Hyungwon replied quickly and pushed himself off the wall, eyes remaining wide like the other man didn't know what to do in the current situation, hands shaking which he tried to hide by brushing through his bangs. "And- this is Sarah."

_She said two words and you already hate her, wow._

"Yes, I'm Hyungwon's _best_ friend, nice to meet you," he lied because it wasn't nice and he wanted to be alone with the other man who looked gorgeous as always. "Am I disturbing you? I didn't know that you had a visitor, but there's so much stuff from the math lecture that I don’t understand, I feel like I'm going crazy and the exam is next week, and you know how important it is, right? You're the only one who can help me. I need an A because otherwise my beautiful grades will be ruined by this," he elaborated dramatically after entering the small room and let himself fall on the chair that he bought, acting out a desperate student.

"Oh, you must be the student that he's tutoring then!" Sarah remarked and sat down on the bed with a smile before turning to Hyungwon as if she expected him to confirm. Hoseok could tell that the girl wasn't very fond of his intrusion but didn't say anything.

_You are not the student he's tutoring, you're the man he fake rides in a public sauna._

"We're closer than that," Hyungwon replied quietly as he examined him for a few moments, as if he tried to understand how much of what he had just said was true. "Don't worry about it, Hoseok. I should be able to help you. Sarah just wanted to pop by briefly."

Hoseok was unhealthily happy about the fact that Sarah didn't look like she had just wanted to pop by briefly.

"Hyungwon is always very dedicated to math," she commented and shrugged before standing up and wrapping her arms around Hyungwon's neck as a goodbye, kissing the other man's cheek before she let go and murmured something that Hoseok couldn't hear. "I'll see you on the weekend. Take care of yourself and don't think too much about it."

_Ew._

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek as he looked at him instead of his girlfriend that was putting on her shoes. Only when she was about to grab her coat, the other man was faster and helped her slip into it.

"I hope your exam goes well, Hoseok. Make sure to get enough sleep beforehand. I'll pray for you." Smiling one more time, the black-haired girl let Hyungwon open the door for her and disappeared down the hallway. As soon as the door closed, Hyungwon turned around and leaned against it, eyes fluttering shut.

_What the fuck?_

"I'm so sorry about that," the other man muttered.

"You're sorry? About what? Having to deal with this? I'm the one who's sorry. Are you okay?" He jumped up and walked towards the slim body that leaned against the door, big eyes closed. Was it okay to hug? Or to kiss?

_What if he feels super pressured because she just left and you're coming on to him? What exactly is your relationship?_

"I'm sorry that you had to see that and I was so awkward and unprepared. She came unannounced and wanted to talk and she never comes to my dorm, so I ended up using you as an excuse to send her away." Taking a deep breath, Hyungwon finally opened his eyes and looked at him. The other man seemed so miserable. "Thank you for coming, please don't leave."

Hoseok felt devastated because of the look on Hyungwon's face and couldn't hold back from wrapping his arms around his waist and placing a soft kiss against his plump lips.

"I don't like her, please use me as much as you like, I acted the concerned student well, didn't I?"

_Since when are you okay with being used?_

A chuckle sounded between them as Hyungwon reached out and wrapped his arms around his neck, tenderly stroking over his hair. There was still the same sadness on the pretty face, but Hyungwon's shoulders relaxed and he met his gaze after the brief kiss.

"You're a real actor," the other man whispered before he chewed on his bottom lip. "I believed you. Math is not the reason for coming?"

"You're the reason I came. I wanted to see you. Is it a bad reason? I think it's a legit one and I have no regrets. Apart from the fact that you look sad. I don't want you to be sad." Hoseok leaned in and kissed the other man's warm neck, his cheek before kissing his lips again.

_It's messy._

"I… told you before that you don't need a reason to see me." Hyungwon tightened his hold with one arm and reached to the left with the other, suddenly covering them in darkness with the exception of a few rays of light entering through the window. "But I must really be terrible. It's a hard truth to swallow."

_He feels so guilty._

"You're not terrible. You're amazing. I keep wanting to see you, so you must be addicting. Are you sure that you're not the temptation you keep talking about? To be honest, I couldn't handle the thought of you being possibly sad because of what happened yesterday." His body was yearning to be close, and he loved feeling the warm skin against his lips as he caressed Hyungwon's face and neck.

The other man smiled suddenly and stroked over his hair and cheek, holding him close.

"I was sad about what happened after, not about what happened with you. But that isn't something that can really be avoided. You said there are certain pathways and just like that we also live in certain circumstances and can't just change them through sheer will." Hyungwon sighed one more time before resting his head against the door, thereby baring his neck. "I feel terrible for hurting people. Sarah isn't somebody who deserves it, nobody does, but still I'm like this."

"Not to be mean and butt into other people's business, but she's your girlfriend, right? I would've never left, and I definitely wouldn't be happy seeing you on the weekends only, what the fuck? She doesn't deserve what? A weekend boyfriend who feels miserable because of this whole prearranged charade? Then she should love herself and tell you that you suck and that she'll do herself a favor and dump you. But the way she acts, it seems as if she thinks it's okay, and that's precisely the reason I don't like her. You're not the only one with a problem here, Hyungwon." Grabbing the small face, he leaned in, kissing the beautiful man for a few seconds before leaning back and meeting the hazel eyes.

"But she doesn't know anything else either, Hoseok," the other man muttered and seemed unable to resist as he pressed their lips together again. He seemed more at ease in the darkness. "The two of us grew up next to each other and it just always seemed set, without any questions or alternatives. She doesn't even know that it's strange because she doesn't see anything else. She still lives at home and goes to the Catholic University, how is she supposed to decide that she needs more than this? I'm terrible for letting her believe everything is okay while standing here knowing that you're the only person I want to be with."

"She's an adult, Hyungwon. Just like you are. We all make decisions and it's discriminating to say that she can't decide because of lack of knowledge. We live in a time where that's only a question of motivation. You seem to be so kind to everybody else, so why aren't you being kind to yourself?" He observed the way Hyungwon looked at him. It was the same, the unspeakable longing that he thought was so unique and something that he hadn't experienced before. "You want to be with me? I'm happy because I wanted to be with you so badly, that's the reason why I came right after the lecture."

"I do," the other man whispered in reply, long fingers tender as they brushed a strand of hair away from his eyes and caressed his skin, tracing his jaw all the way to his neck. "I really do, Hoseok."

"Then tell me how I can help you. I don't think it's healthy to constantly hate yourself for doing what you feel like doing. I want you to be happy, but every time I kiss or touch you, feeling so good, I have to think about how it makes you feel terrible and I hesitate. Hesitating is not my thing at all."

"Kissing you doesn't make me feel terrible." Hyungwon tightened his grip around his neck and switched their positions, causing Hoseok's back to be pressed flat against the cold door. The other man licked over his lips before leaning in and kissing him, hot tongue instantly tracing the form of his mouth and tasting him. "Everything else does. Knowing what all of this means does. Realizing that there will be a moment when I have to lean back does. I hate those moments the most."

"Then what does it mean?" he whispered, pulling Hyungwon flush against his chest by the grip on his waist.

The other man swallowed, eyes shaking as they met his own, holding his gaze without saying anything at first. Hyungwon leaned closer and rested his right elbow against the door as he exhaled against his mouth before kissing it. It seemed urgent, desperate even, fueling his desire. Those hot hands were roaming over his body, reluctant to calm down as nails lightly scratched over his chest. Gasps sounded in his ears and he almost stopped feeling the cold door in his back when those plump lips slowed down. The desperation from before made way for what confused him so much, affectionate kisses and the other man's attempts to be as close as possible. Hyungwon's hands were tender as they stroked over his face and neck, tracing his arms before cupping his cheek again. Only when warmth had spread throughout his chest, the other man leaned back and looked at him again.

"Desire fades, but this doesn't, Hoseok," the low voice whispered.

_The longing. It doesn't go away._

"It doesn't. I don't know how you do this, you make me want to be next to you and the way you look at me makes me feel all kinds of things. I came here without expecting anything much to happen and that makes me a little confused, but I'll figure it out and act on what I consider right." He nodded and licked his lips, missing Hyungwon's taste. "Please don't stop."

"I don't know how to stop," Hyungwon whispered and leaned in again, pressing his slim body against his and slipping one of his legs between his thighs. "How can your hands be so cold when I'm always burning because of you?"

"Lack of blood supply? My mom always says it's because I'm so mercilessly rational. I am, just not with you. Your belief system is literally the opposite of what I consider right, but look at me being all over you while you're giving God the credit for how I make you feel." Hoseok smiled and rubbed his head over the cold surface, loving how Hyungwon's thigh felt between his legs. "But still, don't stop."

"Maybe your blood is just too occupied being either up here-" The other man placed a kiss on his forehead before lifting his thigh a little, "or down there." A smile spread the plump mouth as it covered his own and Hyungwon hummed into the kiss, body relaxing as if it genuinely calmed him down. "I gave up on believing that God is the one making me feel this way, Hoseok. For that I simply feel too much for you."

"It's binary, either I'm cold-headed or I'm horny, but with you I'm everything at once and it makes me confused, but at the same time I want to be with you more and to feel more to know what it means and how it changes me. I want to know how to make you feel good, tell me." He leaned forward and took Hyungwon's thighs, lifting him into the air and licking into his mouth.

The other man gasped in surprise, but automatically wrapped his arms around his neck, holding on as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss.

"You don't have to do anything for that, being here is already enough," Hyungwon replied and sank his fingers into his hair, tugging lightly to adjust the angle at which their lips met. "Be with me."

_Bullshit._

"I know that it's not enough, so I need you to tell me what I have to do. I can make you see stars and I can make you moan until you forget your name, but what can I do after you calmed down and I don't see your smile anymore? I need to know," he whispered, placing affectionate kisses all over the handsome face. He was aroused too, simply because Hyungwon was so incredibly attractive, but still it didn't feel the same as he was used to.

"You want to know?" Hyungwon asked and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, playing with it until Hoseok couldn't help but make a soft sound. Instead of continuing in the same manner, the beautiful man began to cover his face with kisses, hot against his skin until he reached out and grabbed his hand as well, kissing the tip of every cold finger. "Hold me with your cold hands and tell me that you'll stay even if the desire doesn't. I'm scared."

_Would you stay after the desire? But that's what you keep doing, don't you? It's okay to say it. You can keep the promise._

"Then let me hold you," he whispered and carried Hyungwon into the room, sitting on the bed that screeched under them before he lay down and caressed the handsome face of the person that made him feel as if he was special without praising his skill or his body.

_He does it so easily._

"I will stay," he whispered. "Because I want to stay."

***

'I'm in love with you.'

_Love, huh?_

It could have been a misrepresentation of the situation, words that were created by his paralyzed mind in the hope of leaving an impression and making a difference. Hyungwon had been about to lose his consciousness, scared of dying while looking for something meaningful to say before his parting. There were so many different reasons for saying those words that had no connection to the real meaning they harbored, to the implications they bore.

_But why don't any of these apply?_

Each time Hyungwon felt like he was able to close his fingers around what was happening to him and gain control, it seemed like whatever he was trying to contain only grew. It slipped through the spaces between his fingers and travelled along his skin, covering it much better than any ink ever could. He had been worried about his actions being ingrained on his body, present but only visible to him and the one who watched over him. It seemed almost naive to be concerned about that when such sins could have been temporary. Desire was a fleeting emotion, intense and overwhelming but as brief as an orgasm.

_But this isn't desire and you know it._

Hyungwon understood it when he woke up in the brightly lit room at the sauna and believed himself to be in the netherworld. He didn't even mind the thought as soon as his eyes fell on Hoseok's face, as if the loss of everybody else and his prior life was absolutely meaningless as long as he had the other man next to him.

_How could it be anything else but love?_

The realization was so clear to him, words echoing in his mind and repeating in the same way that he had spoken them before losing consciousness. He had been desperate as he spoke them, but even his desperate self seemed to know what he was feeling, that whatever he had hoped for wasn't going to happen, no matter how long he waited.

_You're not a man who desires someone he shouldn't, you're a man who pretends in front of a woman while loving another man._

The desperation he had felt before seemed bearable compared to the burning he felt now, to the yearning he felt and couldn't quench. How could he if he desired a change that he couldn't have?

Before, he had hoped for the feelings to calm down, to bear the knowledge of what he had done while correcting it with his future actions. There were so many cases in which a man was able to prove himself and repent, but how could he if the sin was rooted much deeper than he could access?

_It's you. It's not even your inability to touch a woman. It's your inability to love her in the same way that you love him._

'You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination,' his mind whispered at him, making him sick.

The helplessness had been bearable before, even if he lived like he was in a trance as soon as he left Hoseok's embrace. Hyungwon had simply split himself in two, moved through the actions of being a good son and a good boyfriend before returning to being the man that desired another in the brief moments he allowed himself. It was a desire, one that would lead to sin which eventually leads to death.

_But still those brief moments aren't enough for you. You knew that it wasn’t enough and now you feel it with every part of your body._

Hyungwon felt it with every passing second, each moment that he wasn't next to the other man and began to feel a different kind of fear. The fear of not being enough, of not being able to satisfy the needs that Hoseok had told him about. There were so many things that the gorgeous brunette could receive elsewhere and their belief systems were incompatible. How could Hyungwon expect that it would stay the same, that the desire would remain the same even if he attempted to satisfy it with everything he had?

_It's not just desire for you and that makes it terrifying._

He found himself dreading the moment Hoseok dressed and disappeared in the dark after the sauna, the moment the other man got up in the morning after embracing him all night and left to go to a lecture. What did he have that promised him it wouldn't change? That whatever they had was enough for Hoseok while Hyungwon had nothing else?

_You cannot be without him, he's your only source of air now._

The thought was terrifying and didn't disappear. It only grew stronger the more time passed without Hyungwon seeing the reassuring smile that didn't expect him to be somebody else. Hoseok was the only one, the only one that made him breathe and wish that he was someone else, someone that didn't receive life as a gift.

_Are you supposed to do this forever? Live like this while pretending that you don't feel this way?_

Hoseok's words had reassured him, the promise that even if the desire faded the other man would stay, but was it enough? Was Hoseok's presence enough for him? It felt like Hyungwon grew greedier every single day, forgetting the expectations set for him and imagining how different everything could have been. How easy it would be if he had been born in different circumstances, without the need to prove himself and without conservative values that strangled him better than any rope could. It was shameless to think that way, to wish to be somebody else's son after everything his parents had done for him and how desperately his mother wished him well, but still the thoughts were there.

_But it is only a matter of time until consequences follow, until you will see the effect of what you're doing by betraying your own values._

Maybe it wasn't even the fear of what might happen as soon as the desire fades, but the knowledge that it would eventually. Hoseok spoke of feelings and affection, but was it the same, could it be compared? He had never felt that way before, but still he could tell that it was different from what he had ever felt for Sarah, from what he felt towards the objects of desire that he encountered through the years. None of it explained the fear of separation, the wish to disappear if he couldn't be with the other man and the constant lies and excuses that spilled from his lips when anybody asked him about Hoseok.

_You know that it's sinful, so you lie, thereby making it even worse._

The pretence was broken. It hadn't been stable next to the younger man, but now Hyungwon wasn't able to keep his composure. How could he remain calm if he didn't know how long he was still allowed to be close? How much time there still was until everything would fall apart?

_Until your heart stops beating because you don't deserve it._

His hands were shaking as he switched the page of the lecture book and waited for Hoseok to arrive for their Wednesday tutoring session. A whole day had passed without seeing each other, but Hyungwon felt like it was an eternity, like there could have been so many encounters and temptations that changed Hoseok's mind. The other man had no reason to yearn for him, he was free to choose his object of desire. Hyungwon was the one who had forsaken the choice that was made for him and desired somebody forbidden, another man that he had fallen in love with. What was it that he had to offer to somebody who was free to choose? He didn't know and had no way of comparing it.

_You know that your time is running out, greedy to be with him because the consequences cannot be avoided anymore. You've done too much for that, acted without excuses._

The sound of Hoseok's slow steps echoed down the hallway in the empty university building. It was almost Christmas time and there weren't many lectures, so the space emptied out quickly after noon. He could hear how the other man hesitated a few seconds before opening the door and smiled brightly, just the way he always did as he walked towards and around him before sitting on the chair on his right. "You look gorgeous," the low voice commented as Hoseok pulled out his notebook and the pen with the dicks.

_Is he pretending to be happy for you?_

The thought scared him and his hands grabbed the lecture book tightly enough to leave small dents where his fingers were.

"So do you," he whispered, but didn't dare to look longer than a few seconds. What if the expression had already changed? If Hyungwon had been dreaming it all up and had to face reality even though the protagonist of his dreams was sitting right next to him?

_You're scared of punishment being his fading interest, aren't you?_

"What… would you like to discuss today?" he asked eventually and looked for the lecture notes to remind himself what the topic was.

"I want to discuss the reason why you're not looking at me, but I guess you meant math, right?" Hoseok leaned his pale cheek on his palm and observed him.

_Are you hurting him with your indecisiveness again?_

The possibility was even worse than getting hurt himself, so he lifted his gaze and closed the lecture book. Hoseok was so beautiful, but the tense eyebrows told him that the other man had put his guard up, preparing to be hurt and defend himself with sarcasm as he did oh so well.

_Be honest, how could you lie to him too?_

"I'm scared that you changed your mind," he answered and felt a brief spark of pain from burying his nails in his palms without realizing. It was so difficult to keep the distance, to pretend to be a math tutor and not somebody who was hopelessly in love with the brown-haired boy sitting on the chair next to him and observing him calmly.

_Why do you have to pretend with him too? Because you feel more than you should?_

"Changed my mind? About what?" Hoseok asked, first calmly before he must've seen how tense his hands were and reached for them, stroking over the back of his hand gently. The delicate fingers were as cold as usual. Even then he wondered when the consequences would follow, at which point he passed the line of no return and was lost forever.

_Why can't the heavens decide to punish you already? Why are they playing with you like this?_

Hyungwon didn't dare speak out, too scared of what words might do. He couldn't tell what was happening with his mind as he stood up from his chair and used his hands to push Hoseok against the backrest of his, body easily slipping on top of the muscular thighs as if he belonged there.

_But what if he rejects you?_

His body was faster than his doubts, fingers tilting Hoseok's chin upwards before he clashed their lips together in an attempt to defeat the fear, to forget about the constant feeling of everything around him falling apart. Hoseok was the only one who gave him stability, he couldn't bear the thought of their relationship changing.

_You can't let the desire fade, none of it. Even if you get punished for it._

Hoseok attempted to say something, humming into their kiss, before he felt the muscular arms around his waist, pulling him closer and cold hands roaming his back.

"Hyungwon, you…" the low voice muttered before he could taste Hoseok on his tongue, the mixture of cigarettes and wild berry chewing gum. The taste was so familiar, calming his senses sufficiently to allow himself to lean back and take a deep breath before he caught those curved lips with his own again. He wanted to be so close that there was no way to create distance, so close that it was impossible to even imagine it.

_The closer you are, the less room there is for doubts and the knowledge that you are doing the wrong thing, no matter how right it feels._

"Be close to me," he whispered and began to cover Hoseok's jaw and neck in kisses, letting his teeth carefully slide over the pale skin because he remembered Hoseok enjoying the sensation when he performed it with his fingers. "Stay."

_What if your time is running out and you waste it by being away from him?_

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, Hyungwon, actually I-" Hoseok couldn't finish and gave in to his kisses, throwing his head back and moaning softly at the feeling of his teeth against his pale skin that showed a hint of red after he had nibbled on it. The cold hands slipped under his shirt and felt like ice against his burning skin as they stroked over his back, sides and stomach, making him shiver when they arrived at his nipples and Hoseok rubbed his soft fingertips over them in circles.

He moaned, welcoming the dizziness that arousal brought and how it blurred his thoughts. He tightened his grip around Hoseok's neck and gasped when the cold hands brushed over the sensitive tissue of his scar. Hyungwon really wanted to fuel it further, to push through with desire because it gave him more time, more stability, but his fear only grew, reminding him that he couldn't compete with what Hoseok knew.

_Desire can pass, but this isn't only about desire._

"Fuck," he cursed and broke the kiss, breathing heavily and cupping Hoseok's face instead, stroking over the other man's cheek because he loved him so much that it physically hurt. Instead of pulling away and behaving decently, he couldn't let go, not if there wasn't much time for him to be with Hoseok. "I don't know what to do, but please don't let go."

_Are you waiting for your punishment to get you because you cannot resist, not if it's genuine love?_

"Did something happen? I'm not letting go any time soon, so please tell me," the other man whispered, breathing quickly and erection visibly straining the tight black jeans as he still let his cool fingers brush over the scar on his chest.

_You're making him suffer no matter what you do._

"You-" He took another breath to be able to talk properly, hands still stroking over Hoseok's cheek and thighs pulling together to stay closer to the other man. "You said that I could keep meeting you after we were in the sauna together. You came to me on Monday, promising you would stay, but why couldn't I see you yesterday? I- went to the pool in the evening but you weren't there and I know it sounds ridiculous but the thought of you changing your mind drives me mad, Hoseok."

Hyungwon couldn't bear pretending with Hoseok too. He needed to keep this the one place where he felt at ease, like himself.

_For as long as you can until it fades away._

"Oh… I- I went to the pool early because I thought that I would see you. Amazing. I guess communication is key." Hoseok glanced to the side briefly, licking his lips and fumbling with the seam of his pants even though it was way too close to where it felt good. "I wanted to ask you whether you would like to come to my place after the lesson. We could watch a movie or drink, or just talk and then maybe you can stay over if you like?"

_He wanted to spend time with you, but you panicked._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he instantly leaned in, letting his eyes flutter shut as he brushed his lips over Hoseok's to feel close without having to say anything. He nodded because there was no way that he could say no to that. He didn't want to say no. It was his escape from his prison, the brief moments that he could breathe and forget who he was supposed to be.

_You want to be with him, even if he doesn't feel the same. Even if coming too close might take the gift you were given._

"I'm sorry for being unable to teach you properly, losing my mind instead," he breathed out and let his fingers play with the longer hair on the top of Hoseok's head. Even the sides had gotten longer over time and didn't feel as rough anymore. "I would love to stay over if you'll have me."

"I want more. I see you so often, but I feel like I need more, that's why I came up with this. Don't think that I only think about jumping you, I mean, I do, but it's not the reason for asking you to stay over. Seriously." The other man chewed on his lips and Hyungwon couldn't help but love the black eyes that were so round, almost cute and focused on him.

_There it is, the adorable gaze you like so much. Only the smile is missing._

He compensated by smiling himself and placed a soft kiss to the area Hoseok was abusing so mercilessly. "I'll happily stay over, no matter whether you want to undress me or not. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about your naked body."

_You're so honest, as if you are provoking fate to see what will happen. Are you so tired of pretending that you want it to be over?_

Hoseok was so good at taking away his fear for as long as he was right there, looking at him and reflecting that same affection when their eyes met. It felt real and Hyungwon couldn't imagine that it was just a product of his imagination. Only the way Hoseok had reacted after his confession, pretending that it never happened left a hint of bitterness behind.

_But you have no right to his feelings, just like you cannot control your own._

"I'll… do my best to concentrate then," he muttered and carefully climbed down from Hoseok's lap, belatedly realizing that he had carelessly jumped the other man in the middle of a seminar room at university. "I'm sorry for forgetting about proper conduct."

"Thank you for abandoning it for me. I appreciate that." Hoseok smiled and placed a hand on his thigh while he tried his best to get through the last lecture and explain all the things Hoseok needed to understand, shifting under the intense gaze.

_It is just a matter of time, isn't it? Have you given up on redemption because you are in love?_

"Do you need anything from home? I think I can give you everything you need," Hoseok commented nonchalantly as he packed his things back into his backpack.

"You can," Hyungwon agreed while knowing exactly that he wasn't talking about belongings but about the way he felt next to the other man. It wasn't comparable to anything else and since he decided that he couldn't bear lying to Hoseok it felt so difficult not to admit to it. "But- maybe pajamas. I usually don't sleep undressed. But… I guess I could."

_Are you planning to do more wrong? What is your goal, to stop the suffering?_

"I can give you a loose t-shirt and sweatpants, but you might be too hot. Or just the t-shirt? You can decide." Smiling brightly, Hoseok followed him out, holding his gaze and carefully brushing over his fingers when they walked next to each other.

_He seems so cheerful, as if he is mirroring the way you feel about his presence._

It was dark outside because winter didn't bless the earth with a lot of sunshine and Hyungwon found himself glancing around to make sure there was nobody around them. Pulling his scarf tighter around his neck and partially his lips, he reached out and wrapped his hand around Hoseok's freezing fingers.

"You're always cold," he muttered as an excuse and looked straight ahead because it was easier than admitting that he just did it because he knew that Hoseok wanted to hold his hand. "I'll be fine no matter what I wear to sleep, you'll take care of me."

"I'll be your clothes." Hoseok giggled and jumped in front of him, walking backwards before he looked around, suddenly pulled down his scarf and placed a kiss on his lips. "But my lips are warm," the beautiful man said with a smile.

_He makes you feel so much, more than anybody else ever could. Is this really what wrong feels like?_

"They are," Hyungwon whispered back before simply walking two more steps until Hoseok's back pressed against a lamp post and kissing him again, one arm wrapped around the other man's waist. He knew that it was reckless and unlike him, a place so close to his neighborhood where people might have recognized him. But he couldn't help it, not when his body felt so light for once as if nothing could hurt him, not even lightning if it decided to pass through his spine right at that instant.

_This feels so right, as if you are meant to be kissing him like this._

"You're making me feel like the shy protagonist in a romantic movie and it's weird and awesome at the same time." Hoseok chuckled and kissed back before skillfully turning around the post while holding his waist and continuing walking, cold fingers wrapping around his.

"I'm only doing what feels right," he remarked truthfully and let his thumb brush over the back of Hoseok's hand. He knew that it wasn't right, that he shouldn't have done it, but the feeling remained the way it was. It seemed surreal to be walking home like this, as if there was nothing that he had to hide, no consequences that caused desperation and sleepless nights.

_As if nothing was going to happen._

It was only him and the man he was in love with, holding hands as if it was okay.

"I like it," Hoseok commented quietly just before they entered the building. "Should I carry you up again?" the other man chuckled and pointed at his back.

Hyungwon grinned at that, glad that the temptation to confess his feelings again passed as quickly as it appeared. There was no point in admitting to them, not if Hoseok denied them and there was no way that anything could be changed. Hyungwon merely had to stay with his wrongdoings and his desires and wait for when everything was going to fall apart, crumble on top of him like a house of cards.

_Don't feel guilty about your thoughts, but about your actions._

Instead of thinking about his emotions, he pointed at his thighs and emphasized their strength before running up the stairs and regretting it as soon as he arrived on the fourth floor and felt like he had run a marathon.

"How can you be hot and adorable at the same time? This is ridiculous." Hoseok ran after him without putting in much effort and slapped his ass while he stood there bent over, trying to catch his breath. There was a genuine laugh and the sound of keys as the first-year opened the door and they were welcomed by Jeezy who must've been sleeping and was lazily rubbing his butt over Hoseok's calf. "Well… come in, I guess."

_You know for sure that you will do something wrong, but you still go through with it._

"You only think I'm hot because of all that heavy breathing," Hyungwon commented, smiling because of how cheerful Hoseok seemed. He crouched down and wrapped his arms around Jeezy and Hoseok's calf at once, rubbing his nose over the black fur and telling the lovely dog what a good boy he is. Petting Jeezy reminded him of home, even if his thoughts suffocated him more when he was at the place where he grew up. He hadn't even thought of bringing flowers for the brunette's mother even though he should have.

_Maybe that's what it means when the taste of biscuits becomes a part of you, so much that you cannot bear to eat anything else._

Hoseok had disappeared into the kitchen, pouring some water into Jeezy's bowl. "Ah, mom and dad are at a friend's place and will come home pretty late, so it's just you and me. Make yourself at home. Are you hungry? Thirsty? Horny? I'll take care of everything."

_It's only you and him, as if the heavens are playing with you again, waiting for you to make the same mistakes._

"I'll eat Jeezy," he joked and rubbed his nose over the dog's fur again, pretending to eat it to calm himself down and forget about the fear that developed in the pit of his stomach. "I see it's just you and me and your obviously safe for work intentions."

_Why are you pretending to be any better? Because you have no experience?_

There was nothing holding Hoseok back, but Hyungwon knew what he was doing by sitting on Hoseok's lap in the seminar room, by clashing their lips together and by coming all the way to the other man's home to stay for the night. It didn't matter what his intentions were.

_Because you cannot resist._

"Let me just tell you how funny it actually is that you don't know that my dog is called Jesus, and you just said that you will eat him. Jeezy is his nickname," the other man commented with a grin. "Also, I really - I swear by my ability to hit the prostate dead on - had no primarily sexual intentions when inviting you to my place. Of course I want you, duh, I would be lying if I said I didn't, but I mainly wanted to spend the evening with you, sleep in one bed and be ugly together in the morning." Hoseok leaned against the counter and seemed shy when talking about it.

Hyungwon wanted to express his shock at anybody in their right mind calling their dog Jesus, but the way Hoseok expressed his desire to simply be next to him without any other plans kept him from it. It sounded so close to what he wanted, just like the constant need he felt to be next to the other man no matter how recently they had seen each other. Nothing felt like enough and even right then, while crouching down and embracing Hoseok's dog, Hyungwon wanted to stand up, wrap his arms around the broad neck and kiss those lips even if it killed him.

_You want both, his body and his affection, but why does both have to be forbidden?_

"Me too," he replied quietly and took off his coat and shoes, placing them wherever there was space before stepping closer and meeting Hoseok's gaze, unsure how to elaborate. "I want all of those things too, but I keep thinking you might get sick of me."

_He might get tired of the pleasure and leave you nothing._

"Did I do something that made you think that?" Hoseok didn't wait for him to come closer and reached for his wrist, pulling him against the muscular chest.

_He pretended that you didn't confess because it's easier._

"It's just the knowledge that desire fades and we're not typical friends. You told me that often enough." Hyungwon smiled to be reassuring even though he knew that if there was no friendship and desire was the only feeling keeping them next to each other, then there would be nothing keeping Hoseok next to him as soon as it faded. "I told you that I'm scared of death and you happen to be the only person that helps me breathe, so of course I'm terrified to lose you."

_There's no way out, is there? You can only breathe next to him, but there is no way you can keep going against the plans made for you._

"Okay, now listen up, this here…" Hoseok gestured between them and focused his intense gaze on his face, "... is definitely not a friendship, okay? I don't know if it freaks you out, but you're not a one-night stand because we didn't go that far and I see you too often to call it a one time thing. In addition, you can be sure that I'm not doing any of this with my friends. I like Kihyun, he's my best friend, but when I see his face more than two times a day I want to hit him."

_As you thought, it's not a friendship and your inexperience keeps him from living out his desires._

Being so close to Hoseok made it difficult to focus, hands carefully roaming over the muscular arms as he thought about how to answer.

"We're not friends and you don't consider me a one-night stand because I'm inexperienced and you didn't act on your desires. If we take away the fact that I'm your math tutor and you're my student, what is left, Hoseok?" Hyungwon didn't know why he asked and why he tried to go past the few things that connected them. The desire remained because Hoseok couldn't act on it, didn't it?

"What's left? You and me are left. The way we can't seem to bear the lack of each other's presence. Do you feel it? How you want to be close to me and I want to be close to you?" The curved lips came closer and placed a soft kiss on his mouth. "I stopped thinking of you as my math tutor quite a while ago. You're Hyungwon, you're gorgeous and you're all over my mind."

_You know why you desire to be close to him, but why does he desire it? Is it the way you keep denying him, too afraid of what might happen?_

Hyungwon lifted his gaze and looked at those almost black eyes, at the curved lips that had touched his only moments ago. He still felt it, the brief warmth while knowing that he wasn't supposed to. Even though he knew it all too well, knew that he was someone else's and that he was too much of a coward to forsake what he was taught, still he yearned to feel them again, to have those arms around him and cold hands roam over his back. Hoseok might have thought that he needed more than that. Maybe it was true that he wanted it, that he wanted to be as close as possible, but the mere touch of their lips felt like a blessing that it couldn't be. A lie his mind told itself because he wanted it so much.

"I feel it," he replied quietly and reached out to brush his fingers over Hoseok's lips, to memorize how soft they were while he didn't allow himself to bridge the distance, not yet. He had to fight it, at least a little, resist until it was impossible. His chest was burning, and he stepped closer, hoping that proximity would either calm him or set him aflame the way it should have a long time ago. "It takes my breath away, only to return it when our lips meet."

"You are addicting. That's the only way I can explain it to myself, but what am I to you? Does it feel so intense to have me close?" Hoseok leaned forward and whispered the words against his neck, hot air moving against the shell of his ear.

A shudder passed through him at the contact, showing him how much he wanted to be close and how easy it was for Hoseok to get to the point where Hyungwon couldn't resist, where he didn't want to resist anymore.

_He has no idea how he makes you feel._

"I told you that I cannot breathe without you, Hoseok," he replied and let his hands slip down to Hoseok's waist, pulling him close and enjoying the body warmth they shared. "How could it not be intense?"

_You cannot tell him, Hyungwon, even if you want to. You'll be burdening him._

It had been selfish to talk about love before and had Hyungwon not believed that he was dying, he wouldn't have done it. He was stuck in this life and the decisions that were made for him, it was wrong to tell Hoseok about an option that he wasn't able to choose.

_Even if you are in love with him, there is nothing you can do. Nothing but be close when you cannot help it and live off the brief gulps of air._

"But what if I want to make you breathless because it seems as if you are more yourself when you gasp my name? What if that's the reason for wanting to give you pleasure so you can feel free and give me the enjoyment of seeing you lose all those unnecessary convictions? You say I'm used to more, I am, but it's different. Usually I want to get off with somebody else, making it nice for us both, but with you it's more… I want you, I want you so badly that I dream about you and touch myself thinking about you. With you it's more about seeing you being free that gives me a feeling I can't get anywhere else. I'm addicted to it." The cold hands slipped under his shirt and stroked over his sides as Hoseok's hot exhales continued hitting his skin accompanied by the brief touches of the other man's warm lips as he spoke.

_He enjoys seeing you be free?_

Hyungwon wasn't sure if he understood what that meant, why Hoseok would desire to see him lose his mind and his convictions. He was holding on to them, but it wasn't nearly as tightly as he had before, letting loose and reaching for Hoseok's neck instead as if there was nothing to fear. There was, there was so much to fear that Hyungwon didn't know where to start.

"I think I understand that, at least partially. Seeing the bliss on your face also makes me want to act, to make you feel more of it even if it has consequences." It was the reason Hyungwon acted in the sauna, despite knowing that it was wrong. "I know it's real and not pretense and I'm so sick of pretense."

Hoseok leaned forward and lifted him by a grip on his thighs, easily turning and placing him on the kitchen counter. "I'm sick of pretense too, but you're not pretense, otherwise I would be sick of you too. I'm addicted to you. I want you," the low voice whispered into his ear.

_He desires you._

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the broad neck and let one hand slip into Hoseok's brown hair, enjoying how close they were, how silky the strands felt between his fingers.

"What happens after?" he found himself asking, returning his fear from before, the fear that as soon as the desire is satisfied there is nothing left, nothing that keeps Hoseok next to him. "What happens when you have me, Hoseok?"

"After? The same thing that always happens after I've seen the bliss on your face. I want to hold you, be close to you and end up wanting it more." The other man leaned back until their gazes met, licking over his curved lips that were red from biting on them. "You are confusing me. First you're sitting on my lap and making me react before you slip down and try teaching me math. Then you step closer and reach out, just to look at me like this, telling me that you're not sure what happens after."

_Because you want him, you want him so much that you cannot resist._

Maybe it was his pathetic attempt to keep distance, to fight against what he knew he wanted because it was wrong and not meant for him, because it meant that he was rejecting the gift that he treasured so much.

"Because I cannot resist, but keep trying," he whispered and tugged at the soft hair to pull Hoseok closer, to inhale the scent of berries and smoke. Their lips were so close, only a few centimeters that needed to be crossed to feel connected, how the same heat returned to his chest and made him feel alive. "I want you too, Hoseok."

_You want him so much that you keep reaching out, no matter the consequences._

"Don't you want to kiss me? See how your hands and body can make my eyes roll back and how desperate I can get because I'm addicted to you and you alone and know that there's no substitution for the things you can do to me and the way I can touch you." The dark gaze stayed on his face, cold fingers stroking up his thighs and circling his hip bones.

It almost seemed as if Hoseok knew how he was making him feel, that Hyungwon wasn't simply desiring to be close to the other man, but that he was in love and treasured every single breath, touch and gaze that was directed towards him. How could he move back and deny himself if his chest constricted and the heat in his body made him feel as if he was going to melt if their lips didn't meet? Was that supposed to be a trial, a test to see if he was worthy? How was anybody able to pass it then?

_You can't, you can't push him away when you feel like suffocating without him._

"I do," he spoke quietly and let his free hand brush over Hoseok's lips, following the curve and trembling from how soft and warm they felt. He had tasted the sweet mouth only moments ago, when they were outside, but why did it feel so meaningful again? Was it because his mind knew that it was a conscious decision? An action he could choose not to perform, but wasn't able to?

_You're in love. Weren't the words 'do everything in love'? Why can't they apply to you?_

His whole body was shaking when he tilted Hoseok's head with his grip on the other man's hair and leaned closer, observing the black eyes intently until soft lips met his own and he felt like fainting again. His heartbeat hammered in his ears, lips and every fingertip, as if preparing him for the way it was going to feel once it disappeared. Hoseok hummed into the touch, low voice vibrating against his lips before the other man caught them, playing with his bottom lip and pulling him closer against his body.

It didn't take long for him to be carried to the familiar room, back landing on the soft sheets and Hoseok hovering over him, pale cheeks turning pink and lips searching for his own. "I'm addicted to you," Hoseok whispered.

_You're in love with him, but don't say it, Hyungwon. Don't._

He remained silent, showing his emotions through his actions even though he shouldn't have. His arms wrapped tightly around Hoseok's neck and pulled him closer, his fingers tugged at the soft hair and his other hand roamed over the muscular back, desperately memorising every dip even though he shouldn't have. Hoseok made him feel so much with his presence alone, with the cold hands that caressed his burning skin and with those eyes that seemed to harbor everything he wanted and more. How could he pretend that he didn't want it? How could he resist if it was melting him from the inside until only the other man's hands were able to calm the burns?

"I can't be without you, Hoseok," he admitted and clashed their lips together, eyes burning because of how desperate he felt. "There's nothing I can do, I need you and I feel like I'm dying when you're not around."

_Are the consequences that much worse than the way you already suffer without them?_

"Then don't be without me! Don't! You can have me, I'm all yours," Hoseok exclaimed and took off his shirt, throwing it to the side and laying on his back with his arms spread, muscles bulging at every motion. "You can take me. I'm lying here just for you and for you alone."

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, hesitating because it seemed so easy, like he only needed to reach out and bask in the way Hoseok's skin felt under his fingertips. He knew that it wasn't okay, but why was only his mind aware, why didn't his body know, his feelings, his conscience?

_Because you're in love, it's decided and you cannot fight it. You know that it's inevitable._

He crawled closer, still abusing his lips as he climbed on top of the other man, resting his behind on top of Hoseok's hips and hands flat on the muscular chest. He hesitated at first before his fingers began exploring, tracing the pale skin and every dip they could find, the hardened nipples, each rib and the defined abdominal muscles. A voice inside his head told him that it was wrong, but it wasn't louder than a whisper, no more than the voice that told him to kiss a woman even though he wasn't able to.

His body responded with arousal even though it was just touches and his face burned from how close they were, from the fact that he was acting on his own anda knowing exactly what he was doing. There was no heat, no alcohol, no desperation. Only his feelings and the knowledge that this was what he wanted.

A low gasp left Hoseok's curved mouth when he touched the other man's nipples, chest muscles flexing and cool hands moving to rest over Hoseok's head.

"Do you like touching me?" Hoseok asked, black eyes watching him intently.

"You are more beautiful than anybody I have ever laid eyes on," he replied and leaned in to place a kiss to Hoseok's curved lips, holding it for a few moments because it made him feel so much. When he leaned back, he let his fingers dance over the other man's nipples again, too fascinated by the way he could make his loved one react.

"It's interesting, I think the same. I think you are absolutely gorgeous. It must be one of the reasons I can't get enough of you, no matter what you do." Shifting briefly, Hoseok hummed at the touch of his fingers but left his hands over his head. "I doubt that there is anybody else who can make me feel this way with a single touch."

_But he must have felt so much more before, pleasure that cannot be compared._

"But how can my hands make this much of a difference?" he asked carefully while caressing the erect buds again and travelling towards a pale cheek, cupping it tenderly. Hoseok was so beautiful that Hyungwon felt warmth in his chest just from looking at him, from knowing that somewhere within there was the smile that he loved so much, the gaze that made him feel at ease and the embrace that removed all his concerns even though they were supposed to grow.

The scripture condemned being with a man, but at the same time it glorified love. What was he supposed to do then, love while keeping his distance?

_You can't, no matter how much it is required of you._

Leaning in, he let his eyes flutter shut as his lips met Hoseok's curved ones, moving together and spreading warmth and arousal throughout his body.

_Maybe being in love is enough to stay alive for a little while longer?_

'Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.'

Hyungwon would have believed it gladly, he really would.

If only love didn't have to be mutual and with the person that was chosen for him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 9

_He's unique._

It was clear that the longing for Hyungwon's lips, his affectionate touches and the low voice telling him that he was beautiful wasn't the usual thing he was going for and desired from being close to somebody. It was unique, something that was new to him and a feeling that he seemed to have gotten addicted to.

_In addition to the fact that you want him so much that your hands shake just thinking about it._

Usually it was the way somebody touched him, how they moaned from the precise motions of his hips that got him going, but it was definitely not the look, how Hyungwon observed him with his big eyes and made him go crazy just by carefully brushing over his nipples while sitting on top of him.

_Maybe you’ve gone crazy from not having sex for three weeks._

It was bullshit, but it surely contributed to the feeling of unbearable desire that he felt as Hyungwon leaned forward and caught his lips in a kiss with an intensity that wasn't comparable to how other passionate kisses have felt.

_You're addicted to him. That's why kissing that other guy didn't feel the same. It has to be him._

"How does this make you feel? How do I make you feel?" he breathed out, eager to hear that it was the same for the gorgeous man on top of him, that he was addicted too, that it was intense for him and took his breath away in the same way it did for him.

_Since when are you asking how you make others feel when you're not inside them?_

Hoseok could see part of the reaction in those brown eyes, the way they observed him and didn't dare to glance away. As if he might disappear if Hyungwon dared to sever the connection for a mere second. He also recognized the telltale signs of arousal, the tight fabric at the other man's groin that caused the zipper to bulge out. Still, he wanted to know more, to hear the other man talk about it.

"Like I'm burning from the inside, set ablaze with each second that I stay away from you. I find myself thinking of your cold hands, the way they feel on my skin and how you seem to be the only one who can control the fire even though you're the cause of it." Hyungwon swallowed audibly and let his long fingers trace each of his ribs, drawing patterns on his stomach before returning to his nipples and carefully rubbing the fingertips of his index fingers over them. "I fear the day you decide to distance yourself and I will burn to ash from the wish to be close to you. It might sound dramatic to you, but this is how I feel."

_It is indeed dramatic._

"Distance? I don't want there to be any distance between us. It's not right. Distance doesn't feel right with you," he whispered and gasped from the tingling that spread from his nipples to his groin, making him shift under Hyungwon's hips.

"It doesn't," the low voice agreed quietly before the other man leaned in and met his lips, kissing his cheeks, eyes and jawline next. Hyungwon's hands were so tender, even though both of them were obviously aroused. "Will you show me how to touch you, Hoseok? I want to know."

"How would you like to touch me?" Damn, he was so aroused that his body trembled from the pictures that flooded his brain as soon as Hyungwon asked. "You can explore and I will guide you. I want to see what you will do when I'm giving you myself like this."

"I-" The other man interrupted himself and let his white teeth settle on top of his plump bottom lip. He looked gorgeous as he let his eyes roam over his naked chest and arms, face and finally met his gaze again. A smile blossomed on Hyungwon's mouth and he stroked over his cheek, thumb tracing the line of his cheek bone. "You take every excuse I have and pull it right from my fingers, but why does it feel so liberating and terrifying at once?"

_Why is he so scared? He wants it too, you can see it._

Inhaling deeply, the gorgeous man shifted on top of him and let his behind slip further back on his thighs, hands following along by stroking over his naked skin until they arrived at the waistband of his jeans, caressing it softly.

"May I undress you?" the low voice whispered.

"Mhm. I want you to." He left his hands above his head and shifted his hips from sheer excitement and the outlook of having those fingers anywhere near his groin.

_Wow, the desperation is no joke, Hoseok._

Hyungwon kept chewing on his lips as his long fingers slipped towards the button and the zipper, attempting to push the button through the hole a few times and failing because he was shaking. "I'm sorry," the other man muttered helplessly right before he managed and glanced up briefly. Those big eyes instantly stole his breath away as Hyungwon parted his lips instead of abusing them and carefully undid the zipper while not daring to glance down.

Hoseok had problems holding his hands above his head. The expression on the other man's face made him want to grab him and make him moan his name. "If you knew how much I want to jump you right now, but I won't, I will enjoy every second of it with every sensory ability that I have."

"I'm sorry for not knowing what I'm doing," Hyungwon mumbled and slipped his fingers under his waistband before carefully pulling it down his thighs while shifting back himself to be able to continue. The other man was still shaking, but glanced down to look at his groin briefly, instantly chewing on his lips again as his face gained color. Hoseok loved how easily he could read Hyungwon's reactions from his face, the blush, the big eyes, the quick heartbeat that he could see where the other man's collarbones met. Those hands were burning where they touched his naked thighs, like the flames of several small candles, warming him up while spreading goosebumps.

"But I can see that you want to do it, so it makes me burn from the inside because of how attractive you look and how arousing your gaze is." If this continued at the same pace, Hoseok was going to become a good speaker, blabbering whatever in the length of a Ted talk because he wanted Hyungwon to touch him so badly.

"I- I do, I really want to touch you," the other man whispered and moved towards the edge of the bed to pull Hoseok's jeans off his legs completely, taking his socks along and leaving him in underwear. The vibrant blush only increased as Hyungwon moved back up and sat down on his thighs, hands tracing the firm muscles until they danced over the tight fabric of his black underwear and a single index finger dared to slide along the whole length of his clothed erection. Those plump lips parted and Hoseok could see that Hyungwon held his breath, as if he waited for some kind of repercussion for touching him, hands shaking.

"Is me twitching because you're driving me crazy also a sign that you shouldn't touch me? Because then I'll try not to, but it's hard." He chuckled and licked his lips, disbelieving that he was almost shaking from the tension around him even though he lay there in underwear and with his hands above his head. He didn't even put a plug in, so there was no reason to be feeling like this.

Hyungwon shook his head and sucked his lips into his mouth before repeating the motion, index finger stroking from his base all the way to the tip before pausing and applying more pressure.

"React in whichever way you like, you're beautiful," the low voice whispered as Hyungwon took three fingers this time and let them slide over his length, pausing at the tip that must have felt damp because of precum. "Can I- take this off too?"

"Please," he commented and gestured in a polite way, to remove the uncomfortable tension that stemmed from Hyungwon's fear to do something wrong. Apart from that, it felt a little funny because he was usually the one undressing last, but here he was, almost naked with a fully dressed handsome man on top of him. "I'll be your subject to experiment on today."

"I don't want you to feel like I'm using you, because I'm not," Hyungwon murmured but still slipped his hot fingers under the waistband of his underwear and lifted it away from his body. As the other man pulled his underwear down his legs there were a few shaky breaths and Hoseok could tell that those brown eyes were trying not to look, only to give up halfway through and show him those mesmerizing signs of arousal he liked so much. The discomfort in Hyungwon's pants must have been increasing every second, breaths loud enough to hear without even trying.

Once those slim thighs returned to rest on his own, Hyungwon swallowed and reached out to stroke over his erection, careful at first before the other man wrapped his long fingers around it.

"This might be the only place that is hotter than my hands," he whispered.

"Mhm, but it's warm because of you. Does it feel good? I love how your fingers can wrap around it easily, that's not always the case." Hoseok let out a shaky exhale and licked his lips, observing Hyungwon's every move.

"I like how it feels." Hyungwon glanced up again, observing his face as his fingers traveled to the tip and the other man's thumb carefully rubbed over it, testing out his reaction while still being so obviously nervous. "Does this feel good to you too? What… do you like, Hoseok?"

He gasped quietly before spreading his lips in a smirk. "I like you," he whispered, twitching in the other man's hand.

"I like you too," the other man replied before leaning in and kissing him despite the smirk. Keeping his fingers around his erection and stroking it carefully, Hyungwon didn't stop at his lips, kissing down his neck towards his chest that was glistening from the sweat that developed. It was a sign of the effort he was putting into not moving. The hot tongue didn't hesitate as it simply licked over a drop before those big eyes met his again. "I want to see you moan again, it's beautiful and real."

"I want to moan for you, you just need to make me." He let one of his hands travel from above his head to Hyungwon's cheek, cupping it before his fingers sunk into the ash-brown locks.

Observing him intently, the gorgeous man nodded and closed his plump lips around one of his nipples, sucking intently as he applied more pressure to the strokes of his hand, rubbing over the tip with his thumb. His words must have given Hyungwon more confidence as some of the fear dissipated and made room for desire.

Hoseok let himself go for a second, too thankful that he was finally being touched after weeks of complete nothing and pressuring tension. A breathy moan filled the room and he gave his best to not grab Hyungwon and show him what real pleasure was like. "The desperation is no joke, fuck, you're driving me crazy. Touch me, Hyungwon, make me moan your name like I know you want to."

His words must have been motivating and took the fear from Hyungwon's actions as the other man began to use his tongue to play with his nipples and changed the way he stroked over his erection, grip more practiced and confident. Occasionally, a thumb dug into the slit and forced his thighs to contract, pulling a gorgeous gasp from Hyungwon's lips as if it had been him who was touched.

"Why does it feel so intense? I'm addicted to everything you do." He was babbling, a little shy to be moaning so much just because of a hand job but he couldn't do anything about it, not if it felt this way.

"Maybe because you can tell how I feel," Hyungwon whispered and licked a wet stripe from his nipples to his navel, dipping his tongue inside before he began to nibble on the sensitive skin above his groin with his teeth. "I like the way you taste so much. It blurs my senses."

The hand around his erection sped up briefly, pulling another moan from his lips before those long fingers slowed down and traced his veins instead, playing with the transition of head and shaft. Hyungwon was obviously staring in awe, eyes almost black.

"Can I… really taste you, Hoseok?"

_Oh fuck, please._

The thought of Hyungwon's thick red lips around his dick made him twitch in the other man's hand, giving out everything he thought about it. "Of course, you can if you want to. I want you to."

Hyungwon nodded slowly before placing a few more kisses around his groin, brushing his nose over the delicate skin until he looked up again. The other man was so careful and detailed about everything, as if he really wanted to memorize it, to touch and feel it all without missing a single second.

Still holding onto his length, Hyungwon leaned in and placed a kiss to the base of his dick, tender and affectionate even though it was messy and arousing usually. Those thick lips kept travelling over his shaft upwards, kissing it until they arrived at the tip and kissed it too. Hyungwon's big eyes met his, visibly dark from excitement and there was that gaze again that Hoseok couldn't explain, as if he was a rare treasure. The gaze stayed as the other man carefully stretched out his tongue and licked over his tip, tasting it while exhaling roughly through his nose.

"Fuck, just like that, babe," he muttered, belatedly realizing that Hyungwon wasn't his 'babe'. "You are so attractive when you do it, Hyungwon," he corrected himself in between breathy moans.

_That you still have the cognitive ability for this, wow._

"You like it?" Hyungwon asked softly before using his tongue again and dipping it into his slit, as if he really wanted to taste him. The other man's plump lips rubbed over the velvety skin next and he seemed to enjoy it, both the feel of his dick and the way he reacted to it.

Those big brown eyes glanced up at him again as the other man finally closed his lips around the tip, using his tongue before he decided to suck briefly, as if to try it out.

"Oh fuck," he managed to gasp before his fingers tightened in Hyungwon's hair and his hips thrusted forward automatically.

_It's his first time, what are you doing?_

"Shit, I'm sorry," he mumbled, massaging the other man's scalp where his fingers pulled the silky hair.

Hyungwon coughed briefly, one hand tightening around his hipbone in reflex before the beautiful man shook his head. Inhaling through his nose, he leaned in and licked over his tip again. "It's okay. You must really like it."

The low voice vibrated along his skin before those delicious lips closed around the head again and Hyungwon sucked once more, tongue dipping into his slit at the same time. Each motion was slow, but still the intensity caused his thighs to flex and his erection to twitch against the other man's cheek.

"Fuck me up," he whispered, pulling on the soft hair. "Please."

Hyungwon held his gaze before sucking again and forcing his eyes to flutter shut, unable to watch how perfect the other man looked when he had him in his mouth. His reactions must have been fueling Hyungwon's arousal, causing quicker exhales to brush over his skin as more of his length disappeared in the hot mouth, accompanied by regular sucks. It felt so good that his thighs flexed, and he kept pulling at the other man's hair.

Hyungwon gasped around his length, showing more arousal as if those tugs on his hair were making him even more breathless.

_Your stamina is shit, wow._

"Okay, this is embarrassing, I might come soon, but I can go again after a ten second refractory period, so don't worry," he moaned, rubbing his head against the sheets and using all his strength to not fuck Hyungwon's mouth by accident.

_You can't do that, you're a lot to take._

The other man tightened his lips as he moved back up and sucked on his tip, dipping his tongue into it before he let go.

"You don't have to be embarrassed," Hyungwon murmured and tightened the grip of his hand, stroking so that he put more pressure on the transition between head and shaft. "I just want you to feel good, I can barely breathe because you are so beautiful."

_Because you're beautiful, huh?_

Licking his lips once more, the other man slipped down again, enveloping him in heat and kept sucking intently. Hyungwon seemed so aroused himself, body trembling on top of him and exhales getting faster and faster with each passing second. He looked beautiful with his big eyes, bright blush on his cheeks and lips parted to accommodate his size.

_He's taking you into his mouth, but you still want more._

"I'm close." His hand tightened in the ash-brown locks. "Place your hand on my hips and push if I'm too enthusiastic," he whispered, thrusting up a tiny bit, just enough to result in a low moan.

Hyungwon listened by placing both of his palms on his hips and stroking over his hip bones but without applying pressure. The gorgeous man met his gaze, observing him intently as he kept working him with his tongue and sudden sucks, accepting his thrusts with rougher exhales.

Hoseok's lectures about combined sensations and sensory input were all true, so Hyungwon's gorgeous face and his big eyes, the sound of the intense sucks and the feeling all of it gave him, threw him over the edge as he came down the other man's throat, thrusting forward, but being considerate enough to not bury himself completely between the swollen lips. He panted, pulling back a little and cursing under his breath, a little ashamed that it was so easy to make him come.

_Because it's him._

Hyungwon coughed after letting go of his length with a lewd sound and catching whatever he didn't manage to keep in his mouth with his palm. The other man's eyes were wide as he looked at him, but he looked neither disgusted nor terrified. Rather the strong blush and shaking thighs spoke for a mixture of arousal and embarrassment. A glance between Hyungwon's legs revealed a small darker spot on the fabric of his pants. It seemed damp and just enough to suggest that the other man had been responding to him, enough to show on his pants.

"Shit, I want to make you scream, Hyungwon," he hissed, leaning forward and pulling the slim body on top of himself, lips catching Hyungwon's in a split second, loving how swollen they were. "I want to know if you are sensitive. Did you try… putting fingers inside your body?"

The way the other man's eyes widened in shock was enough of an answer. Hyungwon kept his soiled palm in the air as he glanced to the side and chewed on his cheek before shaking his head slowly. Hoseok could see some of his release run down the thin wrist, but those plump lips didn't dare mention it.

"Would you… undress me?" the low voice asked eventually and Hyungwon looked so embarrassed, thighs contracting, and breaths ragged. "I want to embrace you without anything in between."

_Is it romantic, or is he as eager as you?_

It was hard to tell, the precum spoke for Hyungwon being completely gone, but the wish to be embraced didn't fit.

_What if you freaked him out with the fingering part?_

"I won't put my fingers inside you, not unless you want it. It was just a question, sorry." He inhaled deeply to calm down a bit and crawled on top of Hyungwon, nonchalantly licking his own release from the other man's fingers and wrist.

"You don't have to apologize. I just wanted to be close," Hyungwon murmured and hid his embarrassment by reaching out and stroking over his cheek. "I want to feel your skin against mine. Like… in the sauna."

_Like… in the sauna?_

That hadn't been particularly romantic, apart from the confession part, but then again it wasn't really directed towards him, so it didn't really matter, did it?

He didn't reply and only hummed, carefully crawling down and starting with the socks before he moved up, undid the buttons of Hyungwon's shirt, helping him out of it and undid the button of his jeans before simply pulling everything down at once without lingering.

_He's so attractive._

Hyungwon was extremely attractive and he loved the way seeing the gorgeous man naked made him feel.

_You want to be close, all over him._

"Well, come here then, I guess." Hoseok threw himself on the mattress and pointed at his stretched out arm that he expected Hyungwon's head to lay on.

A gorgeous smile spread the plump lips as the slim man crawled towards him and carefully rested his head on his arm. Hands immediately brushed over his naked skin and pulled him closer while long legs intertwined with his own. He could feel Hyungwon's erection press against his thigh, speaking of pleasure while the delicate caresses spoke of intimacy.

"Why does it feel so right to be close to you?" Hyungwon whispered and kissed his neck.

"Because that's what you want. It's what your body wants and your mind desires, so combined, it feels right to you." Hoseok asked himself whether Hyungwon felt shy to admit that he wanted to be touched, or really preferred to hug naked. He had no idea. Nobody ever wanted to hug naked while having a full-blown boner.

A low hum was his only reply as hot hands continued to roam his chest. Hyungwon was hesitant as he let his left leg slide over his thighs, wrapping around him and gasping out loud when it provided friction against his groin.

"Can I kiss you, Hoseok?"

_Is he by chance scared of going further? Is that why?_

It was understandable and even though most of Hoseok's hookups were experienced guys, there had been situations when he had to be very clear and careful due to the lack of experience some of his partners had. Wrapping both arms around Hyungwon's shoulders, he pulled him on top of himself and caught his pretty, swollen lips in a soft kiss that he kept purposefully gentle.

A gasp sounded between them and the other man stroked over his face and neck, caressing his skin as he kissed back and let his eyes flutter shut. He could feel Hyungwon relax into the kiss while still pressing their bodies together and sharing body heat.

"Why does it feel like you already own every thought of mine whereas I am still too scared to reach out?" Hyungwon leaned back and shifted to sit down on top of his lap, blush still prominent and slowly spreading downwards to the flat chest. The other man's big hands started on his shoulders before they reached for his hands and led them over Hyungwon's thighs to his slim waist, keeping them there as those hazel eyes fluttered shut from the sensation of cold fingers on his burning skin. The way the other man's swollen lips parted and he threw his head back was difficult to describe, as if Hoseok's hands alone were sufficient to take Hyungwon's breath away.

"Are you afraid of letting me touch you? Do you think that I will do something you might not like? I'm not a person like that, I told you, I will always make sure that you feel good with what I'm doing. But we can also not do anything if you're scared. I mean, I can take you into my mouth again, that was safe, right?" The topic was a little pressuring, so he held onto Hyungwon's warm waist without moving his hands and distracting from his words, while his eyes searched for the other man's big ones.

"You seem to forget how my mind works," Hyungwon replied as a smile appeared on his lips, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'm not afraid of you doing something that I might not like. I cannot imagine that happening with the way a single brush of your fingers makes me feel."

As if to prove a point, the other man used Hoseok's hand to stroke over his slim body again, following the length of his thigh before returning to his waist. The way Hyungwon's body trembled was stunning, a mixture of arousal and yearning that Hoseok couldn't quite place anywhere yet.

_Because you're addicted to him. Look at yourself._

"I am afraid of liking it too much, of letting go and having nothing to hold on to anymore, not even you." White teeth settled down on Hyungwon's red bottom lip and the gorgeous man led his hands to his chest, roaming over it as his eyes fluttered shut before resting them at his hips and moving forward. The motion wasn't big, just enough to place the slim man right on top of his groin. It seemed to have more of an effect on Hyungwon, as his lean thighs instantly flexed, and the perfectly straight erection twitched in reaction.

_Wait, is he scared that you'll dump him after getting what you wanted?_

Hoseok didn't usually dump anyone because the one-time thing was mutual. In addition, it was a little unfair, wasn't it?

"Are you scared that I'll fuck you and leave you behind? Is that it? Don't you think it's a little unfair to say considering I have been thirsting after you for weeks without doing anything much while being the fling on the side? I don't think this is right. This is not a one-time thing for me and I thought you knew that." He pressed his lips together and let his eyes flutter shut because it felt too good for the bitterness he felt.

"That's not it," Hyungwon replied and instantly reached out to cup his cheek, as if the other man hoped to return his gaze and calm his emotions. "I'm scared of wanting more than I can give, of being unfair towards you. At the same time, I'm scared of wanting more than you are able to give me, of feeling too much while waiting for consequences that don't come. I should have already stopped breathing, but here I am, losing my mind because I'm able to be close to you."

_What?_

"This… doesn't make any sense, Hyungwon. Do you want to come, to be able to think clearly?" Hoseok sat up and let the slim body roll over his half hard dick, lips attaching to the hot skin of his neck that tasted so good that he forgot what he was asking for a moment.

Hyungwon moaned in his low timbre, sound vibrating along Hoseok's lips that were still attached to the delicate neck. Blush returned to the handsome face and chest and so did goosebumps that spread over Hyungwon's long legs.

"I… don't think you will be able to understand, because it's not rational," the other man whispered before moving his hips on his own, visibly enjoying the way it felt even though he wasn't the one receiving friction. "But… please touch me, just like this, with your hands all over me."

_Just like this? But there's no friction._

Hoseok thought furiously as his erection returned to its usual size and twitched at an especially nice motion of Hyungwon's hips.

"As you like. I will touch you with my hands then," he murmured into the warm neck and wrapped his fingers around the perfectly shaped dick, applying a bit of pressure towards the tip as his other hand stroked down Hyungwon's lower back and cupped his pretty ass. It felt too fucking good and the knowledge only fueled his desire.

The loud moan that followed was breathy and desperate, revealing how much Hyungwon must have been holding back all this time. The other man's hands held onto his thighs, fingers slightly digging into his skin and legs pulling together because of how good he was feeling. Hyungwon enjoyed the motion, hips continuously sliding over his erection and thrusting up into his hand.

"Please," those plump lips mumbled suddenly as Hyungwon opened his big eyes and looked at him, lips parted.

"Damn, if you knew how much better I can make you feel," he whispered, holding the gaze for a few moments before continuing his strokes and sinking his teeth into Hyungwon's pretty neck, shit, why did it have to be so complicated?

The other man was moaning loudly while he kept begging him not to stop, scratching over his thighs with his long fingers and repeatedly rolling his hips. Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon wasn't thinking about his actions, that the red lines that developed on his thighs weren't on purpose.

_You didn't ask for an easy thing when you got addicted to a religious guy with a girlfriend, so don't complain. He is doing the self-loathing just fine by himself._

Hoseok sped up his motions, basking in Hyungwon's moans and reactions when he suddenly understood what he couldn't see before.

_He doesn't want you to give him the maximum pleasure. He just wants to be close to you and it doesn't matter to him how you do it or how you touch him._

Now was not the time to talk about it, so Hoseok did his best to hold him close, to kiss the warm neck and cheeks, to lick into the delicious mouth that still tasted like him while the firm length twitched in his hand.

The way Hyungwon let go of his thighs and cupped his face instead was the perfect confirmation of his realization, showing him how easily the other man responded to his kisses and affectionate touches. The arousal was still there, of course it was, breathy moans, begs not to stop, confessions of how much Hyungwon liked him. It was a little overwhelming for how simple the pleasure should have been.

_Because it's not just pleasure. It's him wanting you. But not just the release that you can give him. It's more._

It meant that they felt similar, just that he called it addiction and the handsome man on top of him called it 'irrational'.

_Just let him finally come and stop teasing so you can clean up and hug in peace._

Hoseok stopped the teasing motions and wrapped his whole hand around Hyungwon's length, skillfully moving it quickly while applying pressure towards the tip until an arousing moan that contained his name left the plump lips and the other man threw his head back, shaking through his release.

_He's gorgeous, isn't he?_

Hoseok nodded to himself and reached to the side automatically, pulling out some wet tissues and cleaning them both up in a matter of seconds before dropping back to the sheets with Hyungwon in his arms and covering them both with a blanket.

"Better?" he asked, placing a kiss on the wet forehead.

Hyungwon didn't say anything at first, reaching out and wrapping his arms around him before pressing his burning lips to his neck. A few more seconds passed until he could feel the other man nod.

"I wish I could stay like this with you, even if my heart stops beating."

_He's still scared of dying because of this, isn't he?_

"I want you to stay like this with me. I'll take care of your heart so that it'll keep beating as fast as it can," he whispered back and pulled the slim body as close as possible, feeling the said heartbeat against his ribs and the rapid exhales hitting the skin on his neck.

"I'd… really like that, Hoseok." He could feel Hyungwon smile briefly as he wrapped around him and placed kisses along his jugular, touch tender as if he was scared to apply too much pressure. It felt intimate. "I don't think I can describe how you make me feel. I've never felt this

way before, so there are no words, none that you wouldn't consider extreme."

"You said that you'll get punished by God for being happy and living like a breathing human with needs. That one was extreme." How could Hyungwon suddenly be scared of his reactions? Did he say something rough or mean? Hoseok couldn't remember. "I've never felt this way either, but I'm embracing it and will think about what I'm going to do about being an additional burden to you another time. I just hope that I'm making you feel good, maybe happy even, and as long as that's the case, I have no regrets about being close to you."

_That's nicely said, you went nuts not seeing him for a day._

"Right now… I do feel happy, lying like this in your arms. I'm scared of what it might mean to feel this way, but I cannot get myself to think about it now. I only feel your warmth and the way you hold me, the scent of berries that I like so much while hoping you might smile at me before I fall asleep." Licking his lips, Hyungwon lifted his head and met his gaze. "Do you think I'm being greedy, Hoseok?"

The request made him feel so warm that the smile spread his lips automatically as he reached out to stroke over the ash-brown locks. "Not at all. You're making me feel special and you're lovable. Very much so," he replied smiling again.

_You might be greedy for thinking about the next time you can see him, but then again, you want it and you know that he wants it too. There's no reason to feel bad about it._

"You're… very lovable too. It's a good word," Hyungwon whispered, small smile spreading his lips in response as he cupped his face carefully and leaned in to kiss him.

_Just admit that he makes you melt into goo._

"You're so nice to me that it makes me melt into goo. And gives me hope. Did you mean to give me hope? Or will you talk about being sorry for sending mixed signals again?" Hoseok chuckled and kissed back.

"I'm saying the truth," the low voice murmured but a hint of worry appeared in those big eyes. "I don't want to send mixed signals because they aren't mixed anymore. I- I know that this is how I feel, I can't deny it and I don't want to. What is it that you expect of me, Hoseok? What would make you happy?"

_Well, that's easy, right?_

"You. I want you. And I want you to be happy, but not in that sappy, selfless, stupid kind of way where I send you to somebody else thinking that you will be happy there, but the kind where you are happy next to me and I can keep you." It made so much sense that he nodded at himself for being able to word it right even though he was tired and horny at the same time.

Instead of nodding in understanding, Hyungwon's eyes widened and the other man stared at him for a few moments.

"You… want to be with me? In a way in which I am not next to somebody else, but only with you?" The other man's voice was quiet, as if he barely dared to ask while still cupping his face.

_Just hope that he isn't scared of your honesty._

"Yeah? I know that you have unreasonable religious repercussions and a girlfriend, but to be honest I hate her and she doesn't make you happy at all, so just dump her and come to me."

_That worked well, Hoseok._

"Do you… want to date me, Hoseok?" Hyungwon's voice wasn't louder than a whisper now, hands carefully sliding down from his cheeks to his neck and brushing over it as if the other man was scared to break him.

He wasn't sure why the topic was so sensitive, but for him it was pretty clear, just that Hyungwon's situation wasn't.

"Uh, yes? I told you that I want you, all of you, so of course it includes not only your body but everything else that comes along. To be fair, I did tell people I didn't want a relationship in my first semester at uni, but shit happens, and people change and so do attitudes. Plasticity is beautiful, don't you think?" Hoseok grinned and leaned down to kiss Hyungwon's pretty thick lips. It was a little sad that the swelling reduced, they looked prettier when swollen.

_But he'll look like that after you wake up. That's a thing to look forward to._

Hyungwon didn't say a single word, kissing back, keeping his eyes open and focused on him. Hoseok didn't understand at first until he saw how the other man tried to contain the way his bottom lip trembled by sucking it into his mouth. Hyungwon blinked more often and his breaths turned shaky and irregular, revealing how emotional he was, how close he was to have the first drop run down his cheek.

_Congratulations. You made him cry again._

"Listen, you don't need to act on it, I just said it because I wanted to be honest with you. I know that this thing with your girlfriend and God is apparently super complicated, so I'm not expecting anything for now. It's just a wish, you know? I want to, but I need you to want it too. Don't worry, really, no pressure." He smiled and kissed both eyes before kissing away the salty drops that ran down Hyungwon's cheeks.

"You don't understand," the other man forced out before sobbing and covering his mouth with his palm to stay quiet, shoulders shaking as he tried to control his emotions by glancing at the ceiling. "I want this, I want this so much that I feel like I'm going to suffocate without it. But I just - I don't know what to do. I want to finally stop breathing, but even then I can't be sure that you'll be there when I wake up. Fuck."

The pain that seemed to easily take over him as soon as Hyungwon felt it made his chest constrict and made him want nothing more than to make the beautiful person in his arms smile again.

_But you're cold headed and unapologetic._

"You feel like suffocating? Why would you want to stop breathing then? Nobody will be there when you die, Hyungwon. If you die the God you believe in dies too, and that's alright. There will be nothing, so you need to stay alive and act so you can breathe again. I'm here right now and I want to be with you, so let's think about how we're going to do this, because I'm not joking. I won't let you be hurt, even if it's your own belief that does that to you."

There was no reply, just the slim body that shifted closer, leaving warmth, the rapid breaths that hit his neck and the knowledge that things didn't work out only because they were based on a mutual desire.

They didn't. But Hoseok really wanted them to.

***

It was still pitch dark outside even though Hoseok had left the blinds open and it was early morning. Winter was good at making it seem like the night never ended. Hyungwon really wished that it wouldn't.

The burning he had felt in his eyes the night before was gone, hiding how bitterly he had sobbed in Hoseok's arms because of his own helplessness. The situation had changed again, become more complex than he was able to deal with on his own. At first he had explained it with desire and the fact that desire could fade. He had thought that maybe he could repent for what he had done if enough time passed but how was he supposed to repent if he kept doing it, if he fell in love and wanted nothing more than to be close to the gorgeous man in his arms?

There had been only two solutions after knowing his own feelings. Either Hoseok had to be the one to push him away, or consequences were going to catch up with him while laughing at his naive beliefs that nothing might happen because it was love after all.

Love was supposed to be a virtue.

_You hoped for the second, didn't you? You wanted to stop breathing because it's better than not seeing him again._

The desperation stayed the same, but the helplessness increased. There was no sign of repercussions, of punishment for what he had done. He didn't love Sarah and preferred to bask in the affection of another man, a man that wanted him for himself.

Hyungwon should have hated himself for desiring to be with a man instead of the woman that was chosen for him, but his body and feelings didn't seem to care about the plans others made for him. It was sinful to be with another person behind Sarah's back, but still, he felt complete lying in Hoseok's arms, feeling the other man's body heat against his skin and soft breaths on his neck. He wanted to be close like this every day, every hour, every second.

_That's the reason you cried yesterday. You want this, you want this more than life itself, but there is nothing you can do._

Sitting up, he let his fingers dance over Hoseok's puffy cheek, the curved lips he had tasted yesterday and the soft hair that smelled like berries. It was early enough for him to get up and go to his lecture, but he wanted to bask in the moment for a little longer, to let himself be close until the bubble of happiness popped and he returned to make believe life.

_Why can't you just let it be? Why can't you just be on your own instead of hurting Sarah as well?_

The answer was simple and he knew it, but desperation kept making him question it. His life had been a gift and the decision to be righteous and create life through a bond with a woman was supposed to be the way to repay it. Hyungwon had never thought of his other actions as enough, of helping others and not expecting anything in return. He did those because they felt right and because he enjoyed helping, but none of it justified forsaking his role and being with a man instead. For someone else it might have been acceptable, but unfortunately not for him.

_Maybe he really shouldn't have gifted you life back then._

His hands were shaking as he cupped Hoseok's face and kissed those warm lips in goodbye before crawling out of bed and getting dressed. It was the first time that he’d slept naked and he didn't even feel bad about it. It felt natural and close, as if there was less separating him from the person sleeping in the gigantic bed.

_Are you a sinner, Hyungwon? One that sees his lover while it is dark and thanks winter for giving him more time._

He swallowed and finally turned away before looking for a piece of paper and a pen. He didn't want Hoseok to think that he left without a word and because he regretted what happened. Instead he was feeling guilty for not regretting it and knowing that he would do it again if given the opportunity.

_Because you cannot resist._

Hyungwon stared at the white paper for a few moments before finally writing 'Thank you for making me happy, Hoseok.' and leaving it on the night table next to the big condom jar. It looked out of place, but he didn't know where else to put it or how to express himself sufficiently. Speaking of love was too grand for a simple piece of paper like this and Hyungwon didn't dare do it again, not even when Hoseok admitted to wanting to be with him.

_There must have been a reason to pretend that you didn't say it and you don't want to burden him._

Now it seemed they both had a burden to carry. Hyungwon was in love but didn't dare expect too much of Hoseok and Hoseok wanted to have him for himself while Hyungwon wasn't able to give him everything that he deserves.

After glancing at the sleeping man one last time, he entered the bathroom and used one of the packaged toothbrushes. He wrote his name on top of it just in case Hoseok accidentally offered it to somebody else. He didn't expect to see anybody this early, but when he entered the kitchen there was Hoseok's mother sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

"Good morning, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you," he muttered and brushed through his hair. "I hope you had a nice time with your friends."

_You don't even know when they returned. She must think that you are running away._

"I have a lecture early, that's why I have to leave. It's not because- because I want to."

Mari smiled at him, listening to his helpless mumbling before gesturing at a chair next to her. "Good morning, Hyungwon, darling. It's so nice that you stayed over. We came home late yesterday, so we didn't say hi, but I saw your shoes and coat, so I assumed that you were staying. How are you? Should I make you a cappuccino? What do you eat for breakfast?"

Hyungwon felt a little overwhelmed by all the questions but sat down at the table and folded his hands on his lap as if he was a child that had been caught doing something bad.

_Eating the biscuit._

"I'm… okay. Thank you for asking. I hope you slept well even though it must not have been long. A cappuccino would be very nice. Can I help you somehow? I don't really eat much for breakfast."

"You are very adorable, I have to say. I think you two fit together very well, as bunny is adorable too, just that he doesn't want to be called that because it doesn't correspond with the image that he wants to have for himself." Hoseok's mother chuckled and stood up. Mari used the coffee machine without looking as she made him a coffee, adding milk and foam with practiced motions before placing it in front of him. "I can offer you a croissant. I got some at the bakery to spoil Hoseok as he really likes them, and got more in case that you like fresh croissants too. Does it sound good?"

"That sounds really nice, thank you," he replied, unable to hide the smile on his face. It was somehow sweet that Hoseok's mother kept calling him bunny. The coffee also smelled delicious and he lifted it closer to his nose. "I… also told him that he's sweet, but he said he doesn't trust me because you are the only one who calls him that."

He couldn't help but wonder how much Hoseok's mother knew and what she thought about the situation. Did she know that Hoseok wanted to be with him? Was it okay with her?

_You told her that you have to get married. Jesus Christ, Hyungwon._

"He's cute. I'm glad that he finally asked you whether you want to stay over. He was running around and contemplating it a lot. I suppose you didn't want to wake him up, right? Or did something happen?" Mari unpacked very delicious-looking croissants and placed them on the table before returning to her spot and taking a sip of her coffee, legs crossed and back leaned against the chair. Her eyes had a lot of similarity with Hoseok's, round and very dark in color.

"No, nothing happened. I just-" That already sounded like a lie even though that wasn't the reason for him leaving. He was babbling again because he didn't know what to tell Mari. "Well, I'm leaving because of my lecture and I didn't want him to wake up. He was sleeping very peacefully. I left him a message though."

"You look worried. Is it because of the family circumstances you told me about? Hoseok mentioned it briefly, saying that it's complicated. Ah, I wanted to ask how old you are. Older than Hoseok, right?" A warm smile spread the woman's lips as she pushed the plate with the croissants towards him.

_Is it so easy to tell? Does she mind that you are older?_

Hyungwon wondered if his concerns were written on his face or whether Mari had simply remembered how he had cried in her arms like a child. He was generally crying a lot considering that he was told it was unbecoming of him throughout his childhood.

"Yeah, I'm a third-year but I started university a little later than usual. I'm 22," he replied because it was a safer topic and because he didn't know how he would address his family circumstances. Still, it felt wrong not to say anything, so he merely nodded after a while and bit into his croissant. It was delicious and didn't really go well with the mess inside his head.

"So three years older, I see. But still way too young to be thinking about marrying somebody you don't want to marry. Nobody should be thinking about that, if I'm honest. I assume that your parents don't know about it? You and bunny, I mean." Mari took a piece of croissant and put it into her mouth, chewing in a funny way. "I would really like it if you didn't think that I'm a scary person. I am interested in how you are doing and what's going on inside your head, but you can tell me to stop and I'll refrain from asking."

_Oh no, you're sending the wrong message again._

"I don't think that you are scary, Mari, not at all!" He waved his hands around to emphasize that he meant it, eyes widening almost automatically. "I'm just not used to anybody your age asking me all those things. Also… I usually don't break down in front of people I don't know well either. I'm really sorry about that."

Taking another bite from his croissant, he stared at his hands again, suddenly remembering how he let them travel over Hoseok's naked body the night before.

"They don't know," he whispered.

"Mhm. It must be hard to tell them. And about breaking down, it's okay to break down whenever you feel like it, darling. And I'm not as old as I look." The black-haired woman grinned and winked at him playfully. "I guess that your parents wouldn't approve of your relationship with Hoseok. Is that the problem? In addition to the marriage story that is a little hard for me to tolerate."

_It must seem so strange to her considering how liberal they are._

"I guess one could say that they wouldn't approve," he replied, knowing that it was a gross understatement. He couldn't even imagine how his parents would react. His mother would probably cry and wonder what they did wrong while raising him even though they had tried so hard all this time. His bottom lip trembled just from thinking about it and he glanced at the ceiling for a few seconds to calm down. "My parents believe that gifting life is the duty of a human, that one needs to marry and have children."

It was quiet for a few moments before he heard a sigh and felt Mari's cold palm on top of his. "They are free to believe it, it's their choice, however, no matter how strange it might sound considering that they brought you up, it has nothing to do with you. They might and they probably do have those expectations towards you that will lead to disappointment, but you are you, and your belief system doesn't have to correspond with theirs. I believe that they love you, because all parents usually start off nicely, with unconditional love, just at some point it gets lost on the way and replaced by beliefs that have nothing to do with love. You don't have to be with a woman or to be with anybody else and you don't have to have kids either."

_But she doesn't know about the fact that you wouldn't have survived without interference._

"It's… more complicated than that. I know that not everything they believe is the truth and I realize that some things are quite… extreme. But at the same time there are certain things I agree with and I don't want to disappoint anybody. Do you believe in miracles, Mari?" Hyungwon struggled to talk about his convictions because he knew that they must seem stupid to others, irrational even. He knew all that, but still it felt terribly real to him. The cases when he made a mistake and something bad happened and each time that he ended up in hospital because of heart problems. It just didn't make sense that it was by chance and all this time it wasn't his fault.

"Miracles? Hoseok was a miracle because I was told that I couldn't have children because of cysts, but I got pregnant and even though he was born three month too early, a preemie, he survived. The church volunteer at the hospital told us that he's a present, but I think everyone is a present, each life is, right? It was a hard time, but look at him now, all muscular, handsome, smart and self-sufficient." Hoseok's mother chuckled and took another sip of her coffee.

_Hoseok was also a miracle?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he didn't know what to say at first. The other man had never mentioned it, not even when Hyungwon spoke of only surviving because of something the doctors couldn't explain. Of course, Mari was right and every single life is a gift, but Hyungwon had been so convinced that one needed to repay it somehow in these special cases. Why else would there have been so many punishments when he was a child, punishments one couldn't explain with anything apart from bad behavior.

"Hoseok… was also a miracle? It was similar with me. I had a heart transplant as a child and was clinically dead for a while. Nobody knows why I started breathing again," he whispered and clenched his fists. There was no real reason to be so tense, but Hyungwon couldn't understand it. There was no pattern that he could explain, nothing set about what happened that easily differentiated between him and Hoseok. Was there even a difference?

"I'm so happy that you survived it. To be honest, Hoseok told me about liking your scar, that's why I know about it. Bunny was at the hospital for two months and had breathing problems every once in a while, that's why I couldn't handle beeping noises for a year or so after he came back from the hospital. You know, when the oxygen saturation gets low and all the machines start going crazy? It's a little traumatic. But as I said, he did really well. He usually doesn't talk about it apart from mentioning it as an achievement of modern medicine and making fun of the fact that he was born without nipples." Mari shook her head with a grin and gestured towards his coffee that he forgot about.

Hyungwon quickly took another sip while contemplating how difficult that must have been. His mother had also mentioned that she was terrified of losing him after what happened, but that she was convinced if they did the right thing nothing bad would happen anymore.

"My father works with families who had premature babies at the hospital. He does counselling and support," he explained and took another sip before taking a bite of his croissant. "He's a deacon and provides support apart from working during church service and with youth groups. Hoseok never mentioned that he was a premature baby. Does he ever feel like… there is something he needs to do to pay back for surviving?"

"Oh, your dad does that? Then maybe the worker was someone he knows. But regarding your question, Hoseok thinks one needs to be a decent human in general, independent of what happened to you. He just finished school, started his studies and is pretty young, but he's doing really well in my opinion. I mean, I'm biased, I know, but the way he talked about you and your situation, how determined he is despite all the things that are making it complicated, makes me feel proud of him and protective of you." Again, the cold palm caressed the back of his hand briefly in reassurance, as the black-haired woman stood up to make herself another coffee.

_She must love him so much and even though you keep hurting him she's so nice to you._

"I feel sorry towards him," Hyungwon replied and emptied his cup. It was probably time to leave and he didn't want to keep Hoseok's mother from her duties. "Because his life would be much easier if it wasn't for me. I'm happy and I can't help it, but I just know that he might be happier in different circumstances."

Mari shook her head without turning around and waited for the dark liquid to flow into the cup. "I think you're mistaken," she said quietly. "I don't want to talk about things that he should be sharing with you, but I personally think that you are making him feel in a way he couldn't if it was somebody else, so it has to be you for him right now. It might be hard, but we don't learn from easy tasks and circumstances, do we? He’s had it easy the past few years and now it looks like it'll get challenging. The challenge suits him well."

Hyungwon nodded and stood up, returning the chair back to its spot and stuffed the last bit of croissant into his mouth.

"Thank you for being so nice to me, Mari," he commented and chewed on his cheek as he made his way towards the hallway. Hyungwon shouldn't have said anything, not the thoughts that kept passing through his mind, but he couldn't resist. "Who knows, maybe Hoseok is in love too."

His feet were quick as they carried him to his shoes. It was embarrassing and he really hoped he wasn't going to be confronted or anything. It was a desperate attempt to share his feelings because there was nobody he could talk to. It was a little stupid because Mari could have told Hoseok, but somehow Hyungwon didn't think that she would.

_So you're both miracles, huh?_

Why was he the only one who had to repay it then?

He put on his shoes and coat and opened the door and only then did he look back, facing the black-haired woman who stood in the doorframe of the kitchen and smiled at him. "If you feel loved, then he probably is," she said.

Hyungwon swallowed, heart hammering in his chest and face probably turning the color of the red hat that Hoseok had forgotten in his dorm room a while ago. Instead of replying, he nodded and hurried through the door, telling himself that he couldn't be thinking about this now, not when he was supposed to be functional.

_But what if you are in love with each other?_

_

The trance that he moved through had seemed stronger over the weekend, when he saw his parents and heard them talk about all the things they were looking forward to that Hyungwon wasn't able to do. Now that it was still the middle of the week it seemed almost banal how typical everything was. The lectures were the same, math still provided the same comfort and nobody who looked at him was able to tell that deep inside he wanted to be with a man instead of fulfilling his responsibilities.

His fellow students giggled and told him about parties, one of them asked him about how prepared he felt for the midterms and apart from that nothing was different.

_Nothing but your thoughts._

Hyungwon kept thinking about it, but there was no solution. Hoseok wanted to work on it, to find a way they could be together, but there was no way. His relationship wasn't going to dissipate into thin air and his parents weren't going to suddenly accept the fact that he wasn't the person they had put so much effort into creating. It seemed like he was playing childish games until the one above got sick of watching him and punished him just like he had before.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts on his way towards the dorm that he almost fell into the snow when a small arm wrapped around his neck and pulled him down to his best friend's height.

"I called you at least four times. Are you deaf?" Changkyun was smiling when their eyes met and finally let go of him before winking. "Jesus man."

Hyungwon couldn't help but smile at the typical greeting and fixed his hair that covered his forehead in random strands after the abuse.

"Whoever redid your hair made you less cute," his best friend pointed out and fake pouted before gesturing for them to continue their way through the snow towards the dorm. "I wanted to visit you since we haven't seen each other since church on Sunday."

The company was a welcome distraction and Hyungwon nodded before grinning and making a similar comment about the drawn dark circles under Changkyun's eyes. His friend enjoyed it but his parents weren't big fans of the look, same with the tattoos that he covered and the many piercings that he always had to remove before the weekend.

"I'm glad you found the time. You seemed pretty busy." It wasn't an accusation, but Hyungwon had definitely seen his fellow students more often than his best friend.

Changkyun lifted an eyebrow as they passed through the hallways and arrived in front of his dorm room that he opened quickly.

"I could say the same about you." Shrugging, his best friend took off his shoes and arranged them on the side before staring at the coat hanger for much longer than was appropriate. "Isn't this Hoseok's?"

Hearing the name of the man he was in love with instantly made Hyungwon nervous and he dropped his coat twice before he managed to hang it up properly and cover the hat.

"Yeah, he- forgot it here when he visited."

Opposed to a random playful comment, Changkyun merely got comfortable on his bed and pointed at the chair. "Nice chair. A present? I know that you don't buy any furniture for your dorm room. For some weird reason."

Hyungwon hummed as a reply, feeling obvious about all the marks Hoseok had left in his room. Most were on him though, but he didn't know if Changkyun was able to see those too.

_They might be too deep to see._

His friend crossed his legs and leaned against the wall, observing him as he ran around and put his bag in place and rearranged stuff on his desk even though it wasn't necessary.

"How's it going with Sarah? I talked to her a few days ago," Changkyun remarked suddenly as if that was the best topic to talk about. Hyungwon hadn't minded before, not really, because there had never been much to talk about either way. Sarah and him met up, talked about history or art, maybe discussed a few passages that they interpreted differently and that was pretty much it. Their meetings had been equal to those of friends and only now things were changing and showing what a terrible boyfriend he was and how badly the two of them worked sexually.

"It's complicated," he answered truthfully because it was. "What did she tell you?"

"That she thinks you're suffering from a bad influence." Changkyun didn't look like he thought the same, for that his eyes were too defiant, but Hyungwon couldn't tell what it was that his best friend was hinting at.

_She must have meant Hoseok._

"Do you also think that Hoseok is a bad influence?" he asked instead and sat down on the white chair, hands rubbing over the firm wood.

"I don't know him well enough to give much insight, but he's a good guy. He's nice to people and he compensates well for his best friend who can be a pain in the ass." Shrugging, Changkyun grinned and shifted on the bed. Hyungwon decided not to comment on the fact that his short friend was hanging out with Kihyun a lot for somebody that was 'a pain in the ass'.

At first, he wanted to say that Hoseok was a friend of his, but that didn't seem right. The two of them weren't friends, not only, they were two people who were immensely fond of each other. Two people who wanted to be close and didn't want to be with anybody else. Maybe even two people who were in love with each other.

"He's-" he began but didn't know how to finish it. Instead, he threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. "Do you think God could have different plans for two people that he gifted life to?" he asked instead.

_Like you and him._

"Different plans? To be honest, it's more about doing the right thing, isn't it? God gifts life and then he observes what his creation does, but there is no real plan for them. I think it's more about us making decisions and acting on what we think is right and God sometimes ads a little bit of excitement into it." Changkyun shrugged again and smiled. "At least that's my take on it."

Hyungwon nodded to show that he was listening and thought about it. If God was indeed only an observer, then why would he send punishments? Why would he make people suffer if not for their wrong behavior?

"But there are consequences for doing the wrong thing, so obviously there has to be a right thing, doesn't there?"

Again Changkyun shifted and pursed his lips. "Well, you don't agree with everything that your parents think is right, correct? The same is the case with me. What our parents think is based on the bible and everything can be found there in one way or another, but I think it's dangerous to stop thinking. I have my favorite passages in there and they motivate me, but then others just make me roll my eyes and want to be blasphemous."

"But how can you differentiate one from the other? What if I believe everything except for that killing is bad, so I'll go ahead and kill everybody I don't like?" Hyungwon couldn't understand. Only choosing parts of the bible one liked meant that it was arbitrary and different people could develop different virtues for themselves.

"Well, I'm not saying to choose it arbitrarily, I'm saying that we have a brain for a reason. A lot of it was written by humans too and they make mistakes and have opinions. Leviticus said sleeping with someone of the same sex is bad, but he also said that one should never make physical contact with a woman on her period, which I'm sure both of us agree is bullshit." His best friend was grinning again, probably because he knew that he had a point with this one. Hyungwon didn't believe every single word that was in the bible, but it was difficult to argue with punishments that happened right after he made a mistake.

_But there were no punishments for being close to Hoseok. What if all of it is because of what your parents believe again?_

The thought was even more terrifying because it meant he couldn't be sure what to believe. Shaking his head quickly to stop thinking about it, he returned his attention to Changkyun and thought about how to explain his concerns better.

"But let's assume I make a mistake according to the bible and then something bad happens, wouldn't you consider that to be a punishment for my actions?"

His best friend thought for a while before grinning again.

"I think we punish ourselves enough and God doesn't need to bother. When we get angry and hurt somebody, we often hit our hand against something, right? I don't think that's God. I think that's our own carelessness while we are emotional. Now let's assume that I went to party and failed my exam. The next day a tree falls over when I try to drive somewhere. Do you think that's punishment? I think that's just chance and we are just really good at connecting the dots, especially when we feel guilty. It's nicer to think that I can avoid something bad happening to me if I act right, than knowing it could happen anytime."

_He almost sounds like Hoseok._

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, wondering whether the times he had been punished could be so easily explained by something else. The doctors always had an explanation, but why was it happening to him then? He must have done something wrong.

"Hyungwon, can you tell me with full confidence that when you followed the bible to the fullest not a single bad thing happened?" Changkyun asked him instead of waiting and leaned forward, obviously expecting him to deny it.

Hyungwon thought about it, wondering whether the years when he feared consequences the most were the ones when he didn't feel any.

_You can't say yes, even if you want to._

It would have been a lie. There had always been something happening, constantly, and somehow Hyungwon was always convinced he must have made a mistake. He looked for the mistake each time, but even he had to admit that sometimes it was a little far-fetched.

_Were you trying to make it rational?_

"Then what about miracles that we cannot explain, Changkyun? You said yourself that they are done by God."

"I did, because I think that God gifts life. But I don't think that he tells us what to do with it. I think he probably just wants us to be happy and not hurt each other like I do when I get a few new pets and hope that they'll get along. Maybe he throws a few challenges our way when it gets boring, but those can be exciting to overcome right? For example, I have an exam next week and didn't study anything. That's a challenge that I'll have to overcome." His best friend was grinning as he stretched out his leg and poked his thigh with it.

Hyungwon couldn't help but grin too, even though his mind felt like it was going crazy. Even if those occurrences hadn't been punishments but challenges, what exactly was his current challenge?

_Is it to resist your feelings or to find a way to act on them?_

When Changkyun turned on chess on his phone and arranged it in between them, Hyungwon felt grateful for the change of topic. They laughed the way they always did and cursed quietly depending on who was winning. One might have thought there was nothing in the air and Hyungwon hadn't just started to doubt the one thing that kept him away from the man he was in love with.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 10

"What's going on?" Kihyun never bothered much with elaborate introductions, but why did it have to be first thing on Friday at ten after he came home at four in the morning, thinking about how to date somebody who was already dating a woman and felt like the biggest sinner.

_Yeah, a lot is going on._

"No, seriously, Hoseok. I've seen you and your tutor walk out of uni holding hands, are you okay? I asked Changkyun, who's his best friend, he's straight and religious, what in fuck's name is going on?"

_Oh well._

Sighing briefly because he didn't know what else to do, he thanked the guy at the counter for the espresso. He was happy that he didn't fall asleep after the eight o'clock lecture. Hoseok finally turned towards his best friend after inhaling deeply and tried to come up with a decent explanation that didn't require a lot of concentration.

"I want him. I want him, but it's a little challenging because there are some problems." It wasn't very elaborate, but he simply didn't feel ready to talk about it.

_Some problems. Like the fact that he still has his pseudo bride and you are the one he sins with, scared that lighting will kill him when he touches you._

"You what? You want him? Didn't you listen? He is taken, straight and religious, what are you doing? How did you persuade him to hold your hand?" Kihyun grabbed his shoulders and was trying to shake him with the espresso in his hand.

"Can you like- stop? I didn't persuade him. Well, not really. He wants me too, his life is just a little fucked up and he feels helpless about it. He feels helpless, but that's not my style, so I'm going to war." Licking his lips after he drank half the espresso in one shot, he stared back at Kihyun who looked at him with a mixture of disbelief and shock.

_Why is he like this? It's not as if you're the one with the unreasonable beliefs._

"You're going to war? What does that even mean, Hoseok? Why are you like this all of a sudden? Didn't you just want to pass the math exam? It's next week!"

_Good. Then you have more reasons to see him._

"Yeah. He will help me pass. Going to war means that I'm not going to sit around and wait for stuff to happen," he murmured, glancing at the few empty tables when his eyes settled on long black hair and a round face that he had seen somewhere before. Prior to his recollection processes starting, he recognized the golden cross around the girl's neck.

_Well, look who's here._

"I'm going to start now. Please excuse me, my dear friend, I need to have a talk with that woman over there." Grinning briefly, he quickly walked over, sitting down on the chair across from Hyungwon's girlfriend.

"Hi, Sarah." He smiled brightly and placed his cup on the table, next to the green tea that the woman was drinking. Why wasn't he surprised? "I thought it was you, but aren't you at a different university?"

"Oh-" the black-haired woman gasped in surprise, green eyes settling on his face as she needed a few seconds to remember his name. "Hoseok, Hyungwon's student, right?"

_She'd like it if you were._

Sarah smiled and rearranged the position of her cup of tea to leave more space for him.

"Yes, I'm actually at the Catholic University, but I wanted to visit again, so I'm waiting for Hyungwon to have his break. I thought we could see each other before the next one and before he has to teach."

_Is she getting paranoid?_

"Ah, I see. That's so nice of you. I thought you only met on weekends." Hoseok took his cup and shifted closer before taking a sip and humming at how good it tasted.

"Well- that's because he's very busy, so I thought I should try to be more flexible." Sarah reached out to wrap one of the long black strands around her index finger and glanced at the table as she spoke before looking at him with a smile. "For a long time we only met with either his or my parents, so I guess this is still very new and exciting. Are you getting ready for your next lecture, Hoseok? Did Hyungwon help you with math last time?"

_Holy fucking shit._

"Exciting?" He was so dumbfounded that he forgot how to act for a second. "Oh wow, okay. Anyways, yes, he helped me a lot with math, he's an amazing teacher and an amazing human, I really like him and he deserves everything good in this world."

Sarah was the one to be dumbfounded this time, lips parting but no sound coming out until she simply smiled and nodded. "I've known him since he was little and he's always been a wonderful person. I'm glad that you think so too. I dare say the only bad thing about him is his inability to eat his vegetables." Hyungwon's girlfriend chuckled and glanced at her cup again, as if her thoughts were cheering her up like this.

_This is terrible._

Hoseok really wanted to be sneaky, but this whole orchestra of bullshit didn't let him. He had pity for everybody who was caught in this gigantic pile of shit. Taking another sip of his coffee, he leaned forward and made sure to catch the green eyes with his gaze.

"Okay, let's drop the whole charade, you have enough of that every day and I'm getting asthma just thinking about it. First, it's great that you've been friends for a long time and he's probably very thankful to you and all the things that you've done and all the vegetables that you've eaten for him, however, it's not my business. For me, you are simply a person who contributes to the fact that he can't do what he wants to do. You're an adult, so I'm telling you as an adult that I want him for myself and you can be completely sure that your meetings on weekends, your vegetable eating, Jesus, God or whatever it is that holds you together ain't going to stop me." He sighed briefly and leaned back, before brushing back his longer hair. He needed to cut his sides again. "Ah, this is probably unnecessary, but if I were you, I would dump him because I have some self-respect."

Sarah stared at him for what felt like an eternity, green eyes big and lips pressed together into a thin line. After a few moments, Hoseok realized that she must have been composing herself, the way people in front of his door did when he called them out on their bullshit.

"And what do you think it is that he wants to do?" she asked calmly but the fingers that held onto the tea cup were almost white. "You've known him for barely a month or two, what makes you so sure that you know better?"

"Maybe we live in a different reality. You think you know what he wants and I think I know what he wants. I won't repeat his words and tell you anything about what he said because it's unfair, but it does make me kind of sick that you act as if there's no doubt. I will just tell you what I think and what I want because I think that it's fair this way. I'm in love with him, I want him, I'm going to fight to have him for myself. That's basically it." He nodded and emptied his cup before standing up and pointing at his own lips. "I know that you wanted to curse at me and believe me, you should have. It's healthy." Blowing the black-haired woman a kiss, he took his cup and placed it on one of the trays before walking towards Kihyun who was sitting at the exit and staring at him in disbelief.

"Who's that? What the fuck just happened?"

_You just told his girlfriend that you're in love with him. He will hate you, won't he?_

"I told her that I want her boyfriend. She isn't happy, but I think she wasn't happy before either, so there's that." Hoseok sighed and walked out of the cafe, feeling cold because he forgot his favorite hat in Hyungwon's room.

_Maybe it's an excuse to visit._

Maybe.

***

After finishing his lecture and feeling satisfied now that his brain was mostly occupied with math, Hyungwon made his way towards the student cafe for his usual cup of coffee. It was necessary if he wanted to survive until the end of the day.

_You also need to help Hoseok because his midterm is next week._

Focusing was difficult at the moment, but Hyungwon was looking forward to the gorgeous smile on the brunette's face when he suddenly realized that he had the skills to solve all the equations. Not many things were able to make him feel as content and happy as Hoseok's smile did.

_You must be so hopelessly in love, even though your situation is a mess._

"What are you thinking about? You're smiling so prettily," a familiar female voice commented next to him before a paper cup of coffee was pressed into his hand. It was the cappuccino with double foam that he always bought.

"I asked Changkyun before coming here." Sarah smiled and winked once, but Hyungwon's whole body froze in place. A while ago he wouldn't have minded at all, rather the opposite, because the two of them got along well and it was a nice gesture.

_But now you are constantly hurting her behind her back, doing all those things you aren't sure about anymore and that she definitely condemns._

"Thank you," he replied once he caught himself and let Sarah pull him out of the cafe and towards the dorms. She seemed much more goal directed than before and it made him terribly nervous.

_What if she expects you to do something?_

When they passed the lamp post close to the building where Hyungwon had kissed Hoseok in the seminar room, he suddenly realized how risky he had been that day. He had pretended to be free like a bird next to the beautiful man while still being promised to a woman. Nothing had changed about that. Nothing apart from his thoughts and the realization that it was so much more than desire that he felt for Hoseok.

The black-haired girl was surprisingly quiet as they made their way across campus and she held onto his arm tightly, fingers digging into the fabric of his coat but not enough to be painful.

"Are you okay?" he asked eventually when they were walking up the stairs and Sarah still hadn't said anything. It wasn't like her at all.

"I just really need to talk. I'm sorry for acting so strange, but I'm really worried." His childhood friend and girlfriend had her lips pressed together as she waited for him to open the dorm room and fumbled with her hair. She always did that when bad things were coming up, especially when she was scared of the possible consequences.

_You know that feeling so well._

Before, Hyungwon had always been the terrified one, but seeing Sarah be so unsure confused him. In an attempt to be reassuring, he took off his coat and squeezed her shoulder briefly before sitting down on the bed and leaving her the chair.

"What would you like to talk about?"

"I think that Hoseok isn't good for you, Hyungwon." The black-haired girl hadn't even sat down yet when the words rained from her lips. Only when she settled down on the white chair and connected her hands on her lap, did she looked up at him. "You're spending so much time with him and I'm sure he has bad intentions."

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little because despite feeling guilty and knowing that he was avoiding his girlfriend, he hadn't thought that Hoseok would be the one she wanted to talk about.

_But she already told Changkyun about her worries._

When the words registered he almost laughed because he had heard the wording too many times. Hoseok wasn't somebody with bad intentions. Rather the younger man was blatantly honest and true to what he wanted.

_You hurt him back then, assuming he had bad intentions towards you._

"He's not somebody like that, Sarah. He's a good person," he replied, surprised how calm he sounded even though this might be the moment his house of cards falls apart.

_What if she realizes that you aren't able to feel anything for her, nothing but friendship?_

"I know that you believe that, Hyungwon, but it's not true. It's not true at all!" Hyungwon had never seen the short girl that anxious, constantly fumbling with the black dress she was wearing. "He has bad intentions and he even told me. I saw him today. He- he said that he wants to take you away from me."

_Oh no._

Not even for a second did Hyungwon doubt Sarah's words, even if she was wrong about Hoseok having wrong intentions. He could imagine it so well how Hoseok went to Sarah and told her that he wanted him and that it didn't matter to him what God thought about the matter. The image was so clear in his mind that he gasped and couldn't find the right words, merely staring back at his scared girlfriend.

_She's scared of this falling apart because it's the only thing she knows._

Sarah grew up the same way, sure that they would end up together because girls and boys didn't have close friendships. Now it felt almost stupid when he compared the way he felt next to Sarah to the burning that spread throughout his body next to Hoseok. It was Sarah that he was friends with, not Hoseok.

_But what are you supposed to tell her? What are you supposed to do, Hyungwon?_

He had never been confronted so directly and not many things were as detestable as lying. It couldn't even be considered a white lie because Hyungwon was hurting her all the time. Hiding that he didn't want to be with her only made it worse.

_Does she even love you?_

He didn't know, but he mentally begged that she didn't. That God had spared her the pain of loving a man that could never love her back.

"What do you mean by… take me away from you?" he finally asked, careful not to reveal too much. She could have been talking about time, even if Hyungwon doubted that very much.

"He- he likes men, Hyungwon. There is only one way in which he could mean that. He doesn't want you to be with me, but with him. He said you're miserable and he's not going to…" Sarah swallowed nervously and suddenly she looked so scared that Hyungwon felt the urge to calm her down and tell her everything was going to be alright.

_But it won't. You know that it won't, even if you tell her the words. Don't be a liar, Hyungwon, you have sinned enough._

"He's not going to?" he asked again even though he knew the answer. Hoseok was a strong person, self-sufficient as his mother liked to say.

"Give up. He said he's not going to give up. Why are you so calm, Hyungwon? Did you know this?" Sarah's eyes widened and she slipped down from the chair, kneeling on the floor as she reached towards his right hand, holding it tightly. "This doesn't make any sense. You're not like that, Hyungwon, so why would you still want to be close to him if he wants you like that?"

_Because you want him too._

Hyungwon couldn't say it. Even when he imagined speaking the words, the immediate tremble and pure terror in his body kept him from it. Sarah could tell his parents and cause his whole world as he knew it to fall apart like a house of cards. Even now it felt like the ground barely held their weight, shaking as Hyungwon had no way to explain himself without hurting the woman in front of him or hurting himself and Hoseok.

_It wouldn't matter if it was only you, but you can't hurt him._

'The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.'

"He's right that I'm miserable," he whispered eventually and couldn't hide the way his hands were shaking, enough for Sarah to feel it through her own that grasped them tightly.

It was quiet for a few moments, leaving nothing but his own heart hammering in his ears and Sarah's uneven breaths.

"Because of me?" the familiar voice whispered eventually and even though he should have expected it, the slim shoulders shook irregularly.

_Now you're making her miserable._

"Because of myself," he answered, because it was the truth. He was miserable because he couldn't force himself to feel the way he was supposed to and at the same time he couldn't accept his fate. Instead Hyungwon was constantly looking for loopholes, for anything that justified his love for a man and turned it into a virtue for as long as it made him happy.

There was no such thing, but he wanted it so badly.

"If it's about what happened- that's not a problem, Hyungwon! We just haven't tried it much and of course it's strange after not touching each other and just being friends for years. We could-"

"I can't do it."

He didn't know why he was able to speak the words so easily, to let them slip past his lips while Sarah was babbling and desperately trying to find a logical reason why he could neither kiss her nor be aroused next to her. The black-haired girl knew that as well as he did himself, but still she preferred not to talk about it, to pretend that the one time Hyungwon responded to her brother in his swimming shorts was an accident.

"You…you can't?" she asked softly and tugged at his hand, as if she hoped that he would come closer and take all of it back. "What does that even mean, Hyungwon?"

_You can't tell her that either, can you? Even as your friend she has to deal with your silence._

"I'm in love," he whispered and closed his eyes, too scared to see her reaction. "But with somebody else."

It felt freeing to say it out loud, to admit it to somebody even though there was also dread in his chest, fear of how Sarah would react and whether she would be hurt. There was no way that his confession was meaningless to her. Just like Hyungwon broke apart his own expectations of the future, he had ruined those of his childhood friend.

Sarah didn't say anything and not even her hands were squeezing his anymore. The black-haired girl let her hands fall to her lap and stared at the grey carpet, not even complaining that it ruined her tights.

Hyungwon knew that it was hurtful. He did, but he owed her at least that, at least the knowledge that he couldn't be the person that fulfilled all those points on her list, married because of love, fathered a beautiful child. He couldn't do all those things, not even when he forced himself to and feared death as a consequence.

_You couldn't even kiss her._

"What am I supposed to do now?" his childhood friend muttered instead of questioning him further or accusing him. There was no anger and no frustration, only resignation as if Sarah knew that as soon as love was involved there was nothing she could do.

_You thought the same, didn't you? Even though he is a man._

'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.'

"Stop letting me hurt you like this," he replied and placed his hand on her shoulder, hoping that it provided comfort without being more than that. Hyungwon wasn't quite sure what he was going to do yet, what the consequences were going to be. His heart was still beating too fast and even though he was still waiting to be punished, a voice inside his head told him that it wasn't going to come.

"How?"

"Meet somebody who can, somebody who- who sees you more often than I do, who doesn't run away and doesn't give you stupid excuses. I'm sorry, Sarah, I really am. You deserve better than this, but I just can't." This was the point at which his voice gave in and he stopped talking, staring at the ceiling instead. There was a hand on his thigh briefly, just enough to feel it before it disappeared and Sarah stood up to put on her coat.

"I need some time to think," she breathed out quietly and wrapped herself in several layers while Hyungwon kept staring at the ceiling. It was cowardly, but he didn't want to break. He didn't want to see how much he hurt her and what was going to happen to him now. His heart was still beating, not even skipping a single beat as if there was nothing to fear, nothing but his own thoughts.

Only when Sarah was at the door and had put on her shoes, he finally stood up and looked at her. Her eyes were wet, but she was holding back much better than he ever could. Only a twitch in her eyebrows told him that she wasn't okay, that there were many things he had no access too and might never find out. It hurt to see her like this, to know that it was his fault and he was the source of her pain.

"It's him, isn't it?" his childhood friend asked suddenly, expression unreadable as she turned off the light and opened the door, hiding herself behind it. "He told me that he's in love with you."

There was no way for him to ask or to stop her as the door fell into the lock and left him alone in the dark in his tiny dorm room, with only a few hours left until he was going to see Hoseok again.

Hyungwon should have been terrified, shaking because Sarah suggested he might be in love with a man. His mind should have been reconstructing scenarios of what might happen next, of the way his world was going to fall apart because his parents would know and get involved.

He should have been doing all these things, but instead his chest burned, his hands shook and there was only a single thought on his mind.

_He loves you too._

***

It was cold and he wished that his ears didn't stick out ninety degrees from his head, freezing first and turning red as he walked towards the seminar building where he was about to meet Hyungwon. His thoughts were messy, focusing on the way Hyungwon's girlfriend looked at him, eyes full of preconceptions and judgement.

_Until you told her that you want him. Then she just looked as if she wanted you gone._

It wasn't the first time and it didn't matter to him. What mattered was that she finally understood that this wasn't going to work, that she was lying to herself along with Hyungwon, who hated himself for wanting to be with him and for being unable to do anything about his own situation.

_Is that why you went to her?_

Not really. He went to Sarah and told her all those things because he wanted her to know that he didn't plan on giving in any time soon, that he wanted Hyungwon and that he would continue doing anything he could, because giving up wasn't a word present in his dictionary. The black-haired woman was involved in this, even if he didn't want her to be and the way she desperately tried to hold onto the crumbs of her fantasy life made him sick.

_You wanted her to doubt, didn't you?_

He did. Maybe he had crossed the line and Hyungwon would hate him for it, but he would do it again. Hoseok knew about the consequences and he knew that he might have done something that the other man despised, something that he considered a private matter, but he had taken all of it into account and acted in a way he considered right.

_You are really in love with him, this is crazy._

Hoseok smiled because despite all the problems that made it hard to be close, he felt happy. Happy and in love, but always ready to fight.

Brushing his hair back, Hoseok entered the room and closed the door, before walking over to Hyungwon who stared at him with his big hazel eyes and thick parted lips, as if he knew that he was weak for it.

_You want him so much that your skin burns._

He wanted to sit on the chair and let the other man explain linear algebra to him, he had been determined, but Hyungwon's antics drove him insane and he felt as if he was going to scream if he didn't kiss those lips right that instant. Grabbing the small face with both palms, he threw one leg over the slim thighs, sat on the warm lap and kissed the handsome man, nibbling on his thick lips and humming into the kiss because it felt too good to keep silent.

_It's one of those instances where you just want to go completely crazy, but with the addition that you're too whipped to just do whatever._

"I'll take this one even if you hate me, okay?" he murmured, licking into the hot mouth that tasted like Hyungwon had eaten some fried almonds from the Christmas Market. Delicious.

The other man moaned into the kiss and instead of stopping it and telling him that they needed to concentrate, lean arms wrapped around his waist and Hyungwon tilted his head to be able to kiss him better. Fingers danced over his back and travelled upwards, stroked over his neck and tugged at his hair once they reached it. There were no words, but the strength with which Hyungwon pulled him close seemed almost desperate.

"Can't you take them all?" the low voice whispered.

_So he isn't mad._

"I will. I want all of you, Hyungwon. Everything," he whispered into the small ear and shifted forward to be closer, biting into the soft neck and leaving a red mark as his hips rolled forwards.

The other man moaned again, but his grip got firmer, pausing his hips even though he obviously didn't want to.

"But- we need to prepare you, Hoseok, maybe-" Another gorgeous moan followed and Hyungwon's thighs flexed in response to the ministrations. "Maybe we can be close… a-afterwards?"

"You want to prepare me? Uuuh. Bottoming is not really my thing, I like it more the other way around, but if you insist. We can't do it here though." Hoseok licked his lips and pushed his hips down on purpose.

The way Hyungwon's lips parted in a loud moan was the perfect reward for his efforts even though the other man's long fingers tried to stabilize him again. It seemed rather half-hearted, like Hyungwon knew they should be doing something else, but couldn't really help it.

"I- I meant math," the low voice mumbled and Hoseok instantly felt like kissing the blushed cheeks and feeling them burn against his cold fingers.

_What's the least unpleasant, bottoming or math?_

"Ah, you mean maaath, I thought you were trying to tell me that you wanted to fuck me. I'm way better the other way around, but fine, then let's do math, but I'm going crazy so I might just randomly jump you." He grinned, held onto the back of the chair and slipped down Hyungwon's thighs before catching the other man's gaze.

"Would you like me to touch you?" the other man asked suddenly before biting down on his bottom lip. His eyes were wide and dark, a sight to behold in addition to the increased blood flow to his plump mouth, just the way Hoseok liked it. "I could… make you feel good first."

"You misunderstood, I want to put you on the desk and blow you so hard that you scream because it feels so good that you can't help it. So, instead of that, let's do math, I guess." Hoseok leaned forward and nibbled on Hyungwon's bottom lip with his teeth before inhaling sharply and letting himself fall on top of the chair. A glance down revealed that his pants were too tight to be having a boner.

_So uncomfortable, wow._

Hyungwon was obviously staring and Hoseok watched the way his Adam's apple bobbed before the tall man forced himself to tear his gaze away and fumble with some notes.

"We'll just be doing the midterm preparation, so mostly tasks. If you can do them all, you should be ready for next week," Hyungwon murmured, obviously trying to concentrate. "When I made my way here I wanted nothing more than to see you smile, but here you are making me lose my mind in a matter of seconds. I was so determined to focus."

_He met Sarah, didn't he?_

Hoseok took his notebook and pen and started by writing down the date. "I wanted to distract you a little from the fact that I told your girlfriend that I'm going to have you for myself."

Hyungwon stopped fumbling with the pages and Hoseok doubted that it was because he finally found what he had been looking for. Instead of looking angry or terrified, the other man sucked his lips into his mouth and waited a few seconds before speaking. He seemed nervous.

"Did you mean what you told her?"

_Huh?_

"That she's contributing to the fact that you're feeling miserable? I know it sounds harsh, but it's kind of true, so yes. I meant all of it. Why else would I talk to her? I had something to say so I did." Hyungwon was probably mad because the woman obviously told him and felt bad. "Are you angry at me?"

Hyungwon instantly shook his head and looked up, teeth still abusing his bottom lip.

"That's not what I meant," he whispered and Hoseok couldn't understand why the other man looked so nervous, as if he was scared of what Hoseok might say. "Did you… Sweet Jesus- I can't breathe."

Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut and threw his head back, taking a few deep breaths even though Hoseok couldn't understand what made the other man react like that in the first place. Those big hands were trembling and let go of the notes, holding onto the edge of the desk instead.

_Is something wrong?_

"Are you okay? Did something bad happen? I'm going to go to her if she's the one who makes you feel like shit, believe me I have no shame," he murmured and turned to the side, one palm placed on Hyungwon's warm thigh.

Again the other man shook his head quickly and there was even the hint of a smile on his lips.

"That's not it, I'm just a coward, you were right." Inhaling one more time, Hyungwon finally opened his eyes and met his gaze again. "Did you… did you mean it when you said that you love me?"

_Oh. You said that, right._

"Aaaah, that. I did say that, yeah. Of course I meant it, do I look as if I'm lying?" Hoseok leaned forward until his face was just a few centimeters away and made his eyes big and round. "Do you think that I run around saying 'I love you' for kicks, Hyungwon?"

"No! Of course not, I'm just-" Hyungwon cupped his face with his right palm and groaned, resting against the back of his chair and finally letting go of the edge of the table. Those big eyes were still observing him and he could tell the other man barely contained an urge to reach out. "I'm just scared of being too happy about it."

_Excuse me?_

Licking his lips Hoseok decided that now was a good time to sit on the other man's lap again and threw one leg over the chair, cupping the small face and brushing both thumbs over the soft cheeks. "I love you, you coward," he whispered.

Hyungwon gasped and instantly pulled him closer, kissing his mouth tenderly before leaning back and smiling a little. "You're also a coward. I told you before, but you just pretended that I didn't say anything. Of course, I was scared to talk about it."

_The sauna?_

Well, that wasn't fair was it?

"That's bullshit, Hyungwon. You thought you were dying, so of course I ignored it. It's like me saying I will never drink and have sex when I did both and woke up half dead for the 8 o'clock lecture."

"But I meant it." Hyungwon looked a little hurt, eyes shaking as he focused on the floor instead of his face, but still held him close. "I thought I was dying, so it was even more meaningful. I was desperately looking for something truthful to say, something that sufficiently described the way I felt before my heart stopped, and I wouldn't be able to tell you anymore." Those big eyes focused on his again and Hoseok felt his body warm up from the way the other man looked at him alone.

"I'm in love with you, Hoseok."

_You're so whipped. How is that even possible?_

He swallowed and stared at the beautiful face in front of him, unsure what to say as he didn't expect a confession. "Then date me, you coward. Be mine, I'll take care of you."

"I want to, I really do," Hyungwon whispered and kissed him again, big palms stroking over his hair in tender motions. "I told Sarah that I'm in love with somebody else. I don't know why I'm not dead yet. Maybe God likes watching the two of us too much to interfere."

_Here he goes again._

"You're not dead yet because you're a healthy, twenty-something male. Your libido is a little low for your age, but people are different, no need to be concerned." He grinned and kissed the thick lips. "If that God of yours is an asshole like you make him seem, he would've killed me first."

"Changkyun said he merely likes watching and doesn't interfere much, nothing beyond challenges," the other man murmured while not bothering to separate and let his hands roam over his body. They felt like flames again, burning hot and slipping into the space between his shirt and pants. "I want this so much and if it is a challenge, then is the challenge to stay away from you or to find a way to be with you? I want it to be the second so badly, I can't think about anybody but you and if it is the first then I can't do it. I just can't."

_He can make you angry so easily, wow._

"Hyungwon do you really think your job here is trying to resist me? Well, you can try then," he hissed and leaned forward, biting right into the connection between neck and shoulder and lowering his butt slowly in a rolling motion.

"I- I can't," Hyungwon stuttered before moaning loudly and tightening his grip around his waist, fingers still slipping under his shirt and leaving burning trails. "I just told you that I can't resist you. I can't and I don't want to. Please kiss me, Hoseok."

"Date me," he hissed as his fingers tightened in the soft ash-brown locks and pulled to bare Hyungwon's gorgeous neck. "I know that you want me too. I knew from the first time you looked at me like that."

The other man was breathing heavily, eyes wide and face a gorgeous pink color, showing how affected and at the same time desperate he was.

"I do," Hyungwon whispered, "I want you more than anything."

Taking a deep breath those hot hands travelled upwards until they reached his neck, tenderly brushing over it and fingers tracing the form of his lips.

"I need time to find a way to win my own challenge, so… can I give you yours?" Hyungwon whispered and held his breath.

_A challenge?_

Hoseok surely hoped that it was about making the other man go crazy with his mad skills, or at least something about being honest to complete strangers like Hyungwon's parents. He could do that.

"Feel free," he murmured and rolled his hips, placing small kisses around the bite mark that he left when he was a little too excited.

Hyungwon tried to reply but failed, moaning instead and thrusting up instinctively. Those big eyes fluttered shut and the other man kept his lips parted for a few more gasps until he caught himself and tightened his grip.

"I… want you to get an A in your exam," the low voice muttered nervously and stroked over his skin again. "I'll help you and even though I'm helpless when it comes to my family, I'll try to do something. I want to be with you, Hoseok. I promise. I love you."

_What?_

He stopped his motions in the middle and leaned back, staring at the big hazel eyes in disbelief. "Okay, I hope you're aware that I won't get an erection next to you ever again," he commented and slipped down from Hyungwon's lap who was obviously aroused, but nobody had ever done him dirty like that. When his butt landed on the hard chair, he rubbed his face with both palms and ruffled his hair to get his shit together before opening his eyes and staring at the stupid fucking math book. He wanted to get an A and not date Hyungwon on purpose.

The other man was breathing heavily and fumbled with his hands, definitely having a harder time composing himself.

"Do you mean that?" Hyungwon asked and bit down on his bottom lip, opening the test exam sheet he must have created and keeping his legs spread for comfort. "I didn't want to upset you. I just remembered you saying you have A's in everything else and I would love to see you smile when you get an A in math too. I know that you can do it."

Hoseok hoped that his lifted eyebrow and vicious gaze were enough hints for Hyungwon to understand that he was mad. Spinning his dick pen in his right hand and feeling the tips of his ears burning, he stared at the equations and wrote them into his notebook furiously.

The other man observed him at first, not saying a word as he worked through them until Hyungwon suddenly reached out and paused his hand with the pen before he could start the next one.

"I'm sorry," the low voice murmured and Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck suddenly, hugging him tightly with the round nose brushing over his neck. "You're right, I'm a coward. Of course I want to date you, no matter what you get on your exam, but I'm terrified of what it will mean. I already told Sarah that I'm in love with somebody else and she seemed to know that I meant you. I don't know what she told my parents and I will go there tonight. I'm just scared, Hoseok."

"I'm also scared because it seems as if it doesn't matter what I feel because you and the people that matter to you live according to some kind of arbitrary rule system that I neither understand nor can change with reasonable arguments. Do you know how fucking scary that is? That the person that tells me he loves me prefers to let my happiness depend on a grade I get in a subject instead of doing something about it?" Exhaling sharply, he freed himself and packed his stuff into his backpack. His lungs didn't feel as if he was getting much air and his words were too true to ignore. "Maybe I'll fail. Then you don't have to deal with this." He stood up and walked towards the door before remembering something. "I said that I'm not going to get aroused next to you because I'm hurt," he whispered to not allow any misunderstandings and left.

When he arrived outside his lungs were burning, but not from the cold. There was only one way to dampen the feeling, so he took out his cigarettes and lit one, remembering how his mom said they didn't save him five times from lung failure for him to smoke, but oh well, he never asked to be saved, so it was his choice what he did with it. Just like it was his choice to leave because the pain was so bad that he couldn't show it without hurting Hyungwon on purpose.

_Is that why you haven't been in love before? Because it's fucking painful?_

Maybe. But maybe it was also completely unrelated like everything else. Like the smoke constricting his lungs and increasing his pain instead of healing it, the cold air freezing his skin and his inability to put on his jacket because he forgot it in the seminar room, too hurt to pay attention to what he was doing.

Happens. _Right?_

***

_Suddenly all of your fears appear meaningless, don't they?_

Hyungwon's emotions were like playing Scrabble with numbers, only that there were no solutions to any of the equations. He had been scared to be happy because there were still doubts about whether Hoseok was really in love with him. Then, instead of being happy, he panicked as soon as he got his answer, scared of what it meant to be mutually in love.

_It could be so easy if you were somebody else, as easy as embracing him and kissing his lips._

The light was as dim as always and Hyungwon hadn't moved from his spot on his chair, staring at the jacket that Hoseok left behind as if it wasn't cold outside. He should have grabbed it and run after the man he was in love with, like a person with common sense, but he hadn't been able to. His body seemed frozen to the chair just like his thoughts only circled around the same conclusion.

_You hurt him, but what for?_

Seeing the bitterness on Hoseok's face, the admission of being hurt after something as sweet as a confession felt like a fist to his face. Hyungwon hated himself for making the person he loved feel that way and for constantly making the wrong decisions in an attempt to save himself from confrontation. Was death really much worse than this? He couldn't imagine it.

_You wanted to make him happy in the simplest way you could think of, in the most cowardly way possible._

Hyungwon could easily help Hoseok with math, so he had hoped to bring a smile to the other man's face that way, without making any sacrifices and without doing the one thing he actually wanted the most.

_You want to date him, of course you do. What's wrong with you?_

He and his family were wrong, about his beliefs, his conclusions and his fear of repercussions that still weren't forthcoming. He was mutually in love and even though he hurt Sarah, he hadn't heard anything from his parents yet. Whatever had made him deny the beautiful brunette and offer him an A in math instead, it was bullshit.

_All of it is bullshit. Why was he hurting another person, a person that you care about so much it feels like your whole chest is being ripped apart?_

Hyungwon could still picture the hurt expression, the way Hoseok admitted to being scared because no matter how much he kept arguing and fighting, Hyungwon was like a wall, an inaccessible wall.

_But you don't want to be. You want to be with him._

His hands packed up the math books almost automatically, stuffing them into his bag as he put on his coat and scarf next. Hoseok was the one who confronted Sarah, the one who enabled Hyungwon to admit to being in love with somebody else. Even though he hurt the black-haired girl, he knew that it was for the best, that the same would have continued endlessly. If being with Hoseok was a sin, then he was a sinner, one that would never be able to redeem himself because he didn't want to. He didn't want to stay away from Hoseok, he didn't want to stop loving him.

_You love the way he makes you feel, just like you love him._

His hands wrapped the warm jacket into a ball and he pressed it to his chest, overwhelmed by how strongly it smelled of berries, of Hoseok.

_You have to apologize and make it right._

There wasn't even a hint of guilt in his chest when he wrote to his mother that he might only get to them on Saturday and hurried to the flower shop on campus, hoping that they were still open as he bought a bouquet of tulips for Hoseok's mother and another with lilacs because of the sweet scent that reminded him of the man he wanted to apologize to. It wasn't enough and he knew that flowers weren't going to buy him forgiveness, they never did, but he hoped to deserve it with his actions.

_You've never been like this, reckless and abandoning your fears because you love somebody._

Even if the one above condemned it, Hyungwon couldn't help but like it. It was the way he had always imagined love, a force in addition to a feeling, one that was worth making sacrifices for and facing one's fears.

When it was evening and he stood in front of Hoseok's apartment door, courtesy of the neighbor who let him in, the fear returned slowly.

_Because he might not forgive you and you know that you couldn't bear it._

Holding his breath, he reached out and knocked instead of ringing the bell.

Jeezy barked first before snarling quietly with his nose pressed against the thin door crack. Slow steps sounded, and the door opened to reveal the broad figure of Hoseok's dad who smiled at him and let the dog slip past his legs to greet him.

"Hi Hyungwon! Come in, Hoseok is in the shower, but he's been showering for thirty minutes already, so he might come out eventually." The black-haired man opened the door wide and gestured for him to come in, calling Jeezy back into the apartment.

_Is he showering for that long because of you? Because you hurt him?_

Hyungwon did that sometimes, letting the water surround him with loud noise while he tried not to think about anything. Smiling at Hoseok's dad, he lifted the tulips.

"Is Mari here? These are for her. The others… are for Hoseok, but we can put them aside for now." He smiled once more, a little embarrassed and stroked over Jeezy's black fur to distract himself. Bella and him would probably get along well. He hung up Hoseok's jacket to not seem like he was only there because of it and took off his own along with his shoes.

_Does he know that lilac is a flower for a loved one?_

"Wow, bunny must've done something good for you to give him flowers. Mari will be happy, she's out with a friend and will be back a little later. You can drink coffee with me or go to Hoseok's room. I guess you'll feel more comfortable there. I'll take care of the flowers, don't worry." Jin took the flowers and carried them to the sink.

_They are both so relaxed, as if you are a friend of the family and not somebody who constantly ends up coming by to apologize._

"Do you want to take some lemonade or water along?" Hoseok's father asked and took two glasses out of the cupboard before pointing at the fridge. "You can take the bottle out of the fridge."

"Thank you, please don't take it personally. I need to collect my thoughts, but I would love to drink coffee with you another time," he replied and blushed a little before quickly taking the bottle of lemonade and the glasses and hurrying to Hoseok's room.

It felt unusual to be there without Hoseok around. He placed both glasses and the bottle on the bedside table next to the condom jar and stared at the bed for a few seconds before simply sitting down at the edge and letting himself fall back. It smelled so much like Hoseok that he inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, smiling because it made him feel at ease.

_How could this be wrong when it feels like a blessing?_

He heard a low voice singing some melody that got louder before the door opened and Hoseok walked in wearing a white towel around his hips and staring at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

Hyungwon instantly sat up, eyes wide and suddenly feeling guilty for lying in Hoseok's bed and smelling his sheets after being an asshole to the other man.

"I-" he started and bit down on his bottom lip. His eyes were guilty of passing over the other man's mostly naked body, the muscular legs, the towel that covered his groin and the sculpted chest. "I wanted to apologize."

"Uh-uh," Hoseok hummed and walked to the wardrobe, opening the door with the mirror that showed him sitting on the bed and staring. The gorgeous man unwrapped and dropped his towel before pulling on black underwear that he took from one of the shelves.

"Apologize for being an idiot," he elaborated and swallowed because he found it shameless of himself to stare like this when Hoseok was obviously still hurt by his words and his pathetic attempts to avoid changes. "And acting like my fears are the only ones that matter."

"I see. Didn't you have to visit your parents today?" Hoseok slipped into grey sweatpants and didn't bother wearing a shirt as he walked to the bottle of lemonade and poured some into a glass. "Thanks. It's my favorite," he murmured and emptied the glass.

_His dad must have known when he gave it to you._

He nodded softly before pulling his legs up on the bed and arranging them under his butt. It seemed so difficult to remain in place and not reach out for the other man, to be close for as long as they could.

_Can't you make it so that you can be close all the time?_

"I decided to see you instead," he replied and brushed through his hair as his eyes still followed every motion of Hoseok's body and his hands yearned to reach out. He could tell that the other man was hurt and it hurt in return, like a metal ball with spikes that was stuffed into his ribcage and kept expanding. "I told them I won't come today. If you want me here that is."

"Well, what do you think?" Hoseok crawled on the bed and leaned against the wall, stuffing the thick pillow behind his back and crossing his legs.

"I think that love doesn't fade that quickly if it's true," he replied quietly and decided to move closer, crawling towards Hoseok until he dared to throw one of his lean legs over his muscular ones and observed the breathtaking face. "Will you be with me, Hoseok?"

_You don't even care what it means anymore, do you? The consequences don't matter to you if pushing him away hurts so much._

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" the low voice asked as Hoseok lifted his gaze towards him, delicate fingers stroking over the sheets instead of his skin.

Hyungwon trembled, knowing that it was his fault that Hoseok wasn't touching him, that he was holding back because he probably didn't know if he meant it.

_What if you are affectionate towards him now that you are alone, but as soon as you leave his room it'll be the same hesitation all over again?_

He nodded and reached out to cup Hoseok's cool cheek, feeling a few drops of water that ran down from his wet hair. He hoped that it was okay, that he was still allowed to be this close.

"Please let me," he whispered and leaned down to kiss Hoseok's chest right above where his heart was. The next kiss was on the other man's solar plexus and Hyungwon finally glanced up again. "Let me be yours, Hoseok."

"But do you want to be? I feel as if you aren't sure about it and I can deal with rejection, I do, but with you it's like whiplash, you take a step towards me, just to take one back as soon as I reach out. Tell me what you want from me." The black eyes observed him and Hoseok seemed so grown up all of a sudden, pretty smile absent on the handsome face.

_What were you so afraid of? Now you know what hurts the most._

"Hurting you feels worse than anything God could ever do to me," he whispered and placed a careful kiss to Hoseok's forehead. He knew that it wasn't an answer, that's why he moved closer and tried to have as many points of contact as possible, palms resting on Hoseok's shoulders. "Please date me, Hoseok. I love you and there is nothing I want more. I don't know how my family will react, but I want it, I- want to be with you and I want to be yours. Will you let me?"

He was trembling, much more susceptible to rejection than Hoseok was. His thoughts were a mess as soon as he imagined it, seeing nothing ahead of him instead of salvation. Not having Hoseok wasn't salvation. It was no different than death, a dreadful emptiness that ripped him apart piece by piece.

Round black eyes observed him for a few moments, before he could feel Hoseok's cool hands on his knees, carefully stroking up his thighs. "I love you and I want you, what do you think I can say to that? That I won't let you? How could I if you're the only one I can think about?"

Hyungwon gasped from the feel of hands on his thighs alone, realizing how much he missed it, how different it felt when the other man wasn't responding to him.

_You need this, Hyungwon. It doesn't matter what the consequences are. You'll have to deal with them when they come._

"Please never stop touching me," he breathed out and pressed his forehead against Hoseok's, inhaling the intense scent of berry shampoo and shower gel. "It feels like I'm an empty shell when you do."

"But you were fine before, just watching me with those big eyes and parted lips that made me want to have more. What changed now? Why is it unbearable now?" The careful touches became bolder as the delicate fingers brushed over his sides as Hoseok kept observing him, lips parted and rough exhales giving out the fact that the other man wasn't as composed as he seemed.

"Because I know what it feels like to have them and what it feels like when they are gone, I can't bear it anymore." He sucked much needed air into his lungs and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck before covering his smooth jaw with kisses. "I need you, I need you so much, Hoseok."

He couldn't explain the sudden desperation, the way his eyes burned as if he was about to cry only because of the possibility that he could lose the man in his arms. The thought was so painful that his whole body trembled, and he found himself trying to get as close as possible, to keep his lips attached to soft skin and surround himself with the familiar scent that calmed him down. "Please let me be with you. I- I beg you."

"You don't have to beg me. I want you, I want to be with you and I was open about it, so of course I will. I'm just scared, and I don't want to be hurt, so I find myself getting into a defensive mode, ready to protect myself from you, even though you're the only one that I want." Hoseok finally wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer, placing a careful kiss against his lips.

Hyungwon felt like he was melting, body shaking from the small sign of affection alone. His vision became blurry and he desperately looked for a way to redeem himself in front of Hoseok, to show the other man that he meant every word and was offering himself. Hoseok could have all of him, everything that he wanted and Hyungwon wouldn't take it back, he couldn't.

_You were so close to ruining everything, so close._

"Have me," he whispered and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck as well as he could, thighs pulling together to feel more of him while his fingers sank into the wet hair. Hyungwon didn't stop kissing those curved lips, as if separating might have meant that Hoseok would misunderstand and think that he didn't want this. "Please have me."

"Then please have me too," Hoseok whispered in reply and kissed back, warm skin heating him up even through the thin fabric of his shirt as the muscular arms pulled him closer.

Hyungwon hated that he couldn't feel all of it, that there was something in the way, a convention that seemed meaningless when it was just the two of them. Still kissing Hoseok's lips, he removed one arm from the broad neck and unbuttoned his shirt with quick motions of his fingers. When his fingers brushed over the necklace around his neck, in place because he was meant to see his parents, he paused. There was a brief hesitation, but the memory of Hoseok's face was stronger, of what it felt like to yearn for the other man's closeness but not receive it.

_You can't, you need to choose._

Closing his eyes, he tugged at the pendant roughly, enough to break it before he threw it to the side and wrapped his arm around Hoseok's neck again, connecting their lips.

Hoseok seemed hypnotized by his naked skin as he brushed over his sides and leaned in to kiss his scar, round eyes fluttering shut. The man in his arms took the time to touch every single spot of the white line with his hot lips, travelling to the left and right and placing soft kisses against his nipples before returning to the scar.

He gasped, affected by the tender touches and the knowledge that Hoseok's affection towards his scar had not faded away with time. He kept exhaling roughly and stroked over the wet hair, fingers tender in return to show the other man that he cared, that he was mesmerized by every inch of his skin. He didn't bother to let his shirt slip down his arms, too occupied with holding Hoseok close to let go. He didn't want to let go, too scared of what might happen.

"How can I love everything about you? How is that even possible?" the low voice vibrated against his chest as the other man continued caressing his nipples, one hand stroking over his scar. "You're beautiful."

"So are you," he replied and cupped Hoseok's jaw to lift his face and be able to kiss him again. "Will you be close to me? I don't care how, I just want to feel you, Hoseok."

The muscular arms wrapped around him and Hoseok pushed him forward, letting his back hit the sheets and hovering over him. "Mhm. I want to feel you too. I will take whatever you will give me. I'm just happy that you came."

He wanted to see the handsome face for a little longer, but the curved lips attached to his skin, leaving burning trails and providing sparks of pleasure whenever Hoseok's tongue rubbed over his nipples or traced his scar. The wet hair tickled his skin while the other man was traveling lower over his stomach and placing kisses right over the waistband of his pants, where it seemed that they went straight to his groin.

"You… can undress me if you like," he whispered and wasn't able to contain the way his thighs flexed and spread a little for Hoseok to fit better. Before he had been lying flat on his back and he wasn't able to part his legs that way, but Hyungwon didn't even feel embarrassed as he pressed his head into the sheets and arranged his shirt-covered arms above his head. It was similar to the time when Hoseok had let him explore, only that it was him and he welcomed everything the other man had to offer. "Do what you like with me."

"You shouldn't be saying that," Hoseok murmured and lowered his head, eyes watching him intently as the other man undid the button with his teeth and pulled down the zipper. "I have to be reasonable with you."

"But I like everything you do to me." Hyungwon felt his eyes widen and couldn't contain the way his body responded, easily revealing how aroused he was despite focusing on affection and his need to be close to Hoseok. "I like that I can feel you like this."

_Does it arouse him when you admit to feeling that way?_

Smiling, he used his calf to slide it over Hoseok's side and back before spreading his legs again.

"Would you… like to try something new?" Hoseok asked, after pulling his pants, underwear and socks down his legs and nibbling along his inner thigh towards his very obvious erection.

He nodded, sure that he was going to enjoy it for as long as the other man stayed close to him. His left hand let go of the sheets he had been holding onto and raked through the brown strands, accidentally tugging whenever a tingling travelled from the points Hoseok was kissing towards his groin.

The black eyes appeared between his legs and Hoseok started placing kisses around his groin and balls, exhaling hot air against the sensitive skin under it. "It involves my fingers inside your body. Would that be okay? We can immediately stop if it's not your thing."

Hyungwon wanted to be casual and unaffected, but his eyes betrayed him again, widening instantly along with his thighs that contracted in response. There were no rules on that and he had never specifically thought about being close to anybody in that way.

"Will you cover my lips if I scream?" he asked quietly and glanced to the side, embarrassed that he had to ask in the first place.

"You think you might scream?" Hoseok asked back, smile spreading the curved lips. "I hope that you will."

"I tend to react a lot," he muttered and decided not to mention that he enjoyed sitting on top of Hoseok when they were both naked because the sensation did something to him, arousing him beyond belief. "Will you? I don't want to be too loud and make anybody uncomfortable."

"My parents are used to it, but I promise I will. And you promise me that you'll tell me if it doesn't feel good, okay?" A brief motion towards the bedside table and Hoseok had a condom and a small bottle in his hand. Something must've been happening in the other man's head as his cheeks gained color, just like his ears and the black eyes turned even darker.

_Is it arousal or did you do something to make him react like that?_

"Would you undress too?" Hyungwon ended up asking as his eyes passed over Hoseok's naked chest to his pants. "I… like it more when we are both naked."

Nodding once, Hoseok pulled the sweatpants and underwear down his legs, revealing how aroused he was. "But first I want to kiss you there," the delicate index finger pointed between his legs, but a little lower from where he had expected, "because that's something that I enjoy a lot and wanted to do for a long time."

_You've never felt that way looking at another person, not even another man._

Hyungwon felt his face burn up suddenly and he merely nodded, aware that he was only going to stutter if he attempted to talk. His head sank into the soft sheets and he let his fingers travel over his own chest briefly, distracting himself with the way it felt until he arranged his arms above his head. It seemed safer that way.

Hoseok shifted, wrapping his hands around his thighs, spreading them and pulling his lower body up a little until he felt the other man's rough exhales against his rim. He didn't have much time to think about it when there were warm lips placing kisses around it, soft and feeling so good, especially accompanied by the hums that Hoseok let out.

There was a hint of embarrassment, of course there was, but Hyungwon couldn't focus on it with the way his face was still burning. A few gasps left his lips and he closed his eyes instead of staring at the ceiling. The sensations seemed even more intense when there was only darkness and he suddenly remembered Hoseok asking him if closing his eyes wasn't making it more difficult for him.

"Oh god," he gasped and felt his thighs flex whenever there was a break, as if his body already anticipated the next touch.

At some point he was sure that he could feel Hoseok's tongue, accompanied by cool air that sent shivers down his spine and a curse that the other man let out from something that had been going on.

"Fuck, you're so fucking gorgeous, Hyungwon." The words sounded affected and he could feel them right where he was most sensitive apparently as Hoseok did something with his hands. "I will take you into my mouth and then we will try it out, okay? You liked the touch, didn't you?"

Hyungwon only hummed, still feeling a little embarrassed and tightened his grip on the sheets above his head. He couldn't explain it, but he felt sure that Hoseok had the ability to steal his breath and also his coherency away, turning him into a screaming mess that couldn't be quiet.

_You like this so much, no matter what he does._

"I thought so. The first few seconds are not the best, but as soon as your body gets used to it and I find the right spot, we will see if it's any good for you, okay?" He didn't have much time to reply as Hoseok's lips closed around his tip, sucking so intensely that his thighs quivered and he felt cool wetness right where Hoseok's lips had been before.

Hyungwon couldn't help the loud moan and the way his hips thrust forward, instantly forgetting about the cool sensation until Hoseok slid one finger inside his body, lips still working around his length.

He froze briefly, tensing up, but not for long as the next suck made him tremble again and rub his head over the sheets with a groan. The feeling was confusing because arousal burned between his legs and at the same time there was an unfamiliar intrusion he couldn't quite place. The sucks continued, and he felt the digit move inside him for a few moments that were overshadowed by pleasure before Hoseok let go of his length, crawled up while leaving his finger inside him and smiled brightly, curling the digit in some kind of way that made him moan so loudly that the whole neighborhood must've heard him.

Hyungwon's eyes widened because of the sound that left his lips, unrecognizable and much lower than his usual timbre. He wanted to use one of his palms to cover his lips, but Hoseok repeated the movement and his eyes rolled back as he almost screamed, meeting the motion with his hips.

_This can't be normal, you must be crazy._

His eyes were still closed when he tried to speak and simultaneously tell his hips to stop pushing down, just like he wanted his hands to stop using their grip for leverage to slip his body closer towards Hoseok's hands.

"Found it," the low voice whispered next to his ear and he felt Hoseok's body around him, the teeth against his neck and the digit that started rubbing against that something inside of his body that made him go crazy. "Do you like it? You sound as if you do."

Hyungwon couldn't answer, not with coherent words as his lips remained parted to release loud moans. A tremble so strong passed through his limbs that he felt there was a direct connection between that spot and his erection that twitched in response. His hands still held onto the sheets, pushing his naked body lower and closer towards Hoseok's hand while he lifted his legs a little higher. His head felt light like a balloon with stars dancing behind his closed eyelids.

"This is so hot, I might come just from watching," Hoseok's voice muttered into his ear again. "Do you want an explosion-like orgasm, Hyungwon? I can give it to you. Tell me, another finger, or my lips around you? What would you like more?"

"Another-" he moaned even before his brain managed to wrap around Hoseok's words and make sense of them. Everything seemed blurry apart from the pleasure that centered in the middle of his body. Had dizziness and pleasure not been familiar already, Hyungwon might have believed that he was dying again. "What- what if I faint?"

"Then it will be a glorious finish. Don't worry, I'll take care of you, Hyungwon." The overwhelming sensation disappeared for a second before there was more stretch and it returned full force as Hoseok started moving both fingers against the spot, stabbing it and making him lose his mind.

Hyungwon wasn't even sure what his hands were doing anymore, whether he was grabbing the sheets or still pushing against the mind-blowing pleasure. His eyes remained closed but he could see white sparks of light dancing in front of the black background. The pure bliss seemed to be increasing, burning its way through his body until it suddenly exploded and pulled a scream from his lips, loud enough to vibrate in his own ears as his body shook but there was no feeling of release or wetness on his skin.

_Are you even still conscious?_

"Holy fuck, Hyungwon," the familiar voice muttered somewhere in his proximity before the body heat disappeared and he felt tight hot lips around his dick in addition to the fingers that were moving inside him and pushing the spot for more mind-blowing pleasure.

Hyungwon didn't feel like he had the strength to push back anymore, so he didn't. His mind was holding onto the little bits of awareness he had, the feeling of Hoseok's naked skin against his calves and the slick noise of lips that mixed with his groans and screams. His body didn't hold out for long, white sparks creating a whole sea on black background as his erection twitched and an orgasm washed over him, strong enough to pull the air from his lungs along with a scream.

Just when he thought there couldn't be anymore white lights dancing in front of his vision, they suddenly faded into a black circle that closed in, leaving him only Hoseok's words that he would take care of him.

And somehow, he had never felt that safe before.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 11th of March at 2 PM CET.  
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CHAPTER 11

_He's your weakness, isn't he?_

He didn't want to give in easily because the pain was not something that he considered meaningless enough to forget, but Hyungwon's hands, his lips and pleas made him melt like butter, replacing the pulling in his chest with an unbearable longing to be close.

_You're so easy._

In general, it didn't matter whether he was easy or not, he just wanted to be with Hyungwon and the handsome man came all the way to him instead of going to his parents who wanted to marry him off, so that was a good thing, wasn't it?

_He is so beautiful._

Hoseok didn't think he could be any more in love, but the way the gorgeous body reacted to his ministrations, the low screams and how Hyungwon tried to push against his fingers, gasping and looking completely gone made him think that they were made for each other.

_Now that you know how sensitive he is, you want him even more._

His dick twitched without being touched, just from the way Hyungwon's body pulsated around his digits, pulling them in as he dry orgasmed. Fuck, Hoseok wanted him so much.

Settling between the lean thighs, he placed them on his shoulders and took Hyungwon's leaking erection into his mouth, sucking harshly and mercilessly rubbing the sweet spot before the low voice screamed and he felt the warm release in his mouth and the contractions around his fingers.

_How are you going to keep your hands away now?_

He wasn't sure when he removed his hand and discarded the condom that he used before glancing at Hyungwon who lay there with his eyes closed.

"Is everything okay?" Hoseok asked, crawling on top of him and slowly realizing that there was no response.

_Did he really faint? Holy shit._

Apparently Hyungwon was extremely sensitive and probably dehydrated and didn't get enough air from screaming and moaning so intensely. Hoseok slapped the pink cheek a few times, holding the round thighs a little higher to allow the blood to flow towards the brain that Hyungwon needed to live.

"Hey, wake up and drink a glass of lemonade. Hyungwon?"

It took a few seconds, but Hyungwon shifted and let his eyes flutter open, recognizing his face, before they fell shut again. A smile spread the plump lips and he stroked over the sheets carefully as he took a few deep breaths.

"I wish you could always be the first thing I see when I wake up," the beautiful man whispered.

"Is that your post orgasmic bliss speaking? Hyungwon, your body gifted you sensitivity, it's a sign that tells you what you should be doing with your life." Hoseok grinned and pulled the slim body into his arms, stroking over the silky ash-brown locks and poking his twitching erection into Hyungwon's flat stomach.

The other man was still a little dizzy but hugged back and placed a kiss to his collarbone, still smiling.

"I meant it, seeing you makes me happy." The way Hyungwon's cheeks lifted and his big hazel eyes seemed to shine overwhelmed him a little. "You're a blessing."

"I don't think so, but I definitely need to touch myself, otherwise I'll faint because my blood has been down there for too long." Hoseok grinned and wrapped his hand around his dick, stroking it and hissing at how good it felt. "Fuck, it was so hot. You are so hot."

"Wait- let me," Hyungwon muttered and covered his hand with his own big one, stroking over his length and observing how Hoseok used his fingers. He seemed to be trying to learn and remember what he liked. "Can I… use my lips?"

"Please. Shit, if you knew how hard I could make you scream, Hyungwon," Hoseok hissed and thrust into Hyungwon's hand, removing his own. "You made me pretty damn desperate with your reaction."

Suddenly Hyungwon's eyebrow twitched, lips pulling together while he kept stroking over his erection.

"You promised…" the low voice whispered as Hyungwon leaned in and nibbled on his neck and the transition to his shoulder, travelling lower with his gorgeous lips.

"I did, I couldn't hold your mouth shut but I didn't go all out with my fingers, so I take it as compliance." He moaned, one hand settling in the longer hair and tugging at it.

"You… didn't go all out?" Hyungwon looked mildly terrified, eyes wide and lips parted until he decided not to investigate that further and continued kissing down his collarbones and chest, tongue playing with a nipple. "I want to make you moan too. Please show me what you like."

"The way you scream. I like it so much I thought I was going to come. I also liked how your body contracted around my fingers," he whispered, eyes fluttering shut and imagining how Hyungwon would feel around him.

"But it won't help you if I just scream," the pretty man whispered and licked over the tip of his erection. "I want to learn what you like. I… really like how your hand feels in my hair."

"I would love to fuck your mouth, apart from having sex with you, but I'm a lot to take, I'm not sure that you'll be fine with it." Hoseok pulled at the other man's hair, twitching right against his lips.

Hyungwon hummed and sucked at his tip once before glancing up and blushing profoundly.

"Please do it," he whispered quietly and exhaled roughly through his nose.

_He wants you to fuck his mouth._

"Are you sure?" he whispered, but couldn't refrain from wrapping his fingers around his shaft and carefully stroking over Hyungwon's bottom lip with his tip, eyes focused on the gorgeous blushed face.

The other man hummed and parted his lips, as if he did it subconsciously in response to the sensation of his tip. Hyungwon's big hands stroked over his thigh and he seemed a little nervous, eyes large and face getting redder.

_He's so fucking hot._

"You're beautiful," he whispered and licked his lips in anticipation before pushing his tip against the thick bottom lip and slipping his length into the hot mouth with a moan. Hyungwon felt so fucking good, so he tightened his grip on the other man's hair and started moving his hips, one leg bent to have some space and gaze fixed on the handsome face and how well Hyungwon was taking it.

Those big hands kept stroking over his thighs as the other man let his eyes flutter shut and relaxed his throat, tongue flat on his teeth to make sure not to hurt him. Full lips were tight around his length and Hyungwon kept breathing through his nose to allow him to slip deeper. It took a few moments until he looked at him again, making him react because of the arousing sight.

"Fuck, you're taking me so well," he muttered, allowing himself to go a little faster, to slip a little deeper, moans leaving his lips as he let his imagination run wild.

Hyungwon hummed, but it couldn't have been because he knew how good it felt. The pleasant vibrations blessed him each time he slipped a little deeper and the other man's hands applied more pressure to his thighs. One might have almost thought that Hyungwon enjoyed it, eyes falling shut as he encouraged him by taking more of his dick into his mouth.

_Shit, this is so good._

He stabilized the other man's head by a grip on his hair and fucked his mouth, moaning and pulling at his hair, loving how fucking good Hyungwon was taking him despite his size. He twitched a few times and came down the other man's throat with a loud groan of his name, burying himself quite deep, but pulling back as soon as his awareness returned.

Hyungwon coughed, but kept everything between his lips with his hand, swallowing quickly and looking up at him again. Those big hazel eyes were wet from taking him and the other man's lips were gorgeous and swollen, just the way he loved it.

"You look beautiful when you reach release, blissful and unaware," Hyungwon murmured, voice rough as he wrapped his arms around him.

"I just came but I want you again. Does that even make sense?" He shook his head and pulled Hyungwon up, wrapping around and immobilizing him. "I love you and I love that you're my boyfriend," he murmured, licking over the other man's swollen lips. He liked the texture and how soft they were.

"Sweet Jesus," Hyungwon gasped and at first he thought the other man was terrified of being his boyfriend and was going to change his mind, now that the arousal was out of the way. Instead, Hyungwon grabbed his own face, squishing his cheeks and blushed profoundly. "How am I supposed to look your parents in the eyes now? I have to leave a good impression but- but you didn't keep me quiet and now they must think all kinds of terrible things about me."

"They think that we are a perfect match because I would've made the same sounds if I had been inside you." Hoseok grinned again and cuddled the slim body selfishly. "Look how you fit right into my arms? We are perfect for each other. Ah, I'm sorry that you had to have the uncomfortable conversation with Sarah. I couldn't deal with the duplicity and needed to tell her."

Hyungwon nodded slowly before replying. "To be honest, I don't think I would have been able to tell her. I only did because she told me to stay away from you and I can't, no matter what she wants me to do. That's why I told her that I love somebody else and that I can't be with her. I didn't explain why, but she must know. She- she saw that I can't react to her like a man."

Hoseok stared at him, dumbfounded and unsure what he meant. "Like a what? Like a man? But you react like the best man one could ever wish for, like I can't believe my luck."

A chuckle was his reply as Hyungwon brushed through his hair nervously. "Yeah to you and very apparently to her brother in swimwear. I've never been able to react to her, no matter how much we kissed or touched."

"Because you're gay. I mean the level of attraction is different, but I'm also super gay. I like dicks, nipples and I like butts. Especially your butt, it's perky and cute but also kind of hot because of my imagination." Hoseok rubbed his nose into the crook of the other man's neck, enjoying the way he smelled.

_Is that what a real loving relationship is like? Being close like that?_

"That- makes no sense according to my belief system." Hyungwon chuckled again, a little more desperate this time as he hugged back and stroked over his shoulders. "I guess if God really wanted me to be with a woman there would be no point in making me like this."

"You were born this way. It's not something you learn. The belief system isn't accurate if there's no place for people who are different," he murmured.

"I know it must be difficult for you to understand as somebody who grew up without it, but my belief matters a lot to me. It gave me reassurance when nothing else did. Maybe all the rules associated with it don't make sense and make me miserable, but the belief itself never did. Does that make sense to you?" Hyungwon lifted his head and kissed him briefly, hot hands stroking over his nape and back. "A lot of those rules were taught to me by my parents and I know that many of them aren't right. I guess it's shocking to see that there are so many more than I thought. Your mother told me that you were a miracle too, but nobody forced you into anything, ever. It- it feels so unfair to me even though I'm glad that you're happy and turned out to be the person that you are."

_Your mom told him?_

"Did she also tell you that I should stop smoking because they didn't resuscitate me five times for me to ruin my lungs? If yes, forget it again." Hoseok chuckled and placed a kiss against Hyungwon's jugular vein. "We are born, we are healthy or we get ill, there are many ways it can go, but it doesn't mean that one has to repay for being more lucky than somebody else. It's just the way life is. I know that you don't want to abandon your faith and I feel that I will have a hard time dealing with it, but I love you so I will have to, I guess."

"Do you struggle because it's not rational?" Hyungwon asked and reached for the blanket, probably feeling cold with his burning skin out in the open. "I think there are a lot of things we cannot explain and sometimes, when things get hard, it's nice to have the idea of somebody who listens. It feels… less lonely, you know?"

A smile passed over the other man's lips and he suddenly glanced to the side, staring at the glistening silver of his necklace that was reflecting the lights.

"I can't believe I did that, even if I don't regret it. It felt like a choice and I chose you."

"Do you know what my mom always says? She says if somebody tells you to choose between them and someone else, always choose the someone else." He smiled and pulled the blanket higher to cover them both. "You must have been super lonely. I think it's a system that feeds itself. Your faith helps you to survive in the system I guess. It is irrational to me, but what I despise the most is the shifting of responsibility. The whole idea that everything is set and you just have to follow simple rules for everything to turn out amazing is foreign to me."

"Mmh, you mean that somebody else is responsible because they made the rules?" Hyungwon seemed in thought for a few moments before nodding slowly. "Changkyun also said that he has his favorite bits in the bible and those that he considers wrong. I agree that it's important to decide for oneself, but how can I be sure whether I'm doing the right thing? The thought of making a mistake is terrifying."

"I think all of us should try not to hurt ourselves and each other while living, that's the main rule. You can't always do it, but one should try. Everything else is… arbitrary in my opinion. Do you think that being with me, dating me, wanting me, that any of it is a mistake that you're making?" he asked quietly, lips moving against Hyungwon's warm neck.

It didn't take long for the other man to shake his head and brush over his brown hair, fingertips tracing the form of his ear. "I don't. I've never felt as happy as I feel next to you. It cannot be a mistake and I'm in love with you. Love- could never be something bad."

"Is it an exception?" he smiled, trying to not sound bitter about it.

"What do you mean by an exception?" Hyungwon asked and seemed to hear the change in his voice, cupping his face to let their gazes meet before he kissed him.

Hoseok smiled and hummed into the kiss before replying. "Am I an exception? Someone you can see because I'm just that one thing that doesn't correspond with your values."

"What?" Hyungwon seemed surprised at first until he understood and his eyes widened in shock. "Do you think I am a person like that? Somebody who keeps their beliefs despite evidence to the contrary? I'm struggling, but I know that it doesn't make sense, that there is no logic in forcing a path onto one child but not another. I also cannot come up with anything other than my parents that tells me that I have to marry and be with a woman. A lot of it stems from old scriptures, but the way I was punished for my mistakes made it feel true."

"What punishment? Listen, I'm not some kind of devil-sent guy who is only here to make you a sinner or some similar bullshit. I know that you're religious, but I love you, that's just how it is. I just want to know whether you're confident in what you're feeling towards me because otherwise it makes me feel hurt."

Lean arms instantly wrapped around him and pulled him as close as possible before Hyungwon's beautiful face was right in front of his, breaths tickling his lips. The other man had that gaze that he liked so much, the one that made him feel the most.

"I've never been as sure about anything as I am about being in love with you, Hoseok. I know that I'm a coward and failed to show you that I want to be with you, but- I do. I want to date you and I want you to be the person I'm with. I'm scared of how my parents might react, but I don't expect to stop breathing because of my feelings for you."

He listened, observing the expression on Hyungwon's face and how it made him feel. He felt the warmth surrounding him and the heart that was beating behind the beautiful scar that he reached out for, and stroked over with his fingertips. "I love you," Hoseok whispered, overwhelmed by the intensity of his emotions that threatened to spill. "Please don't let anybody change your mind."

Hyungwon let his fingertips stroke over his curved lips before he kissed them softly.

"I won't," he breathed out. "I promise."

_

"Is it still the same back and forth?" his mom asked and smeared butter on her croissant. Hoseok lifted his gaze from his hot coffee.

"You mean with Hyungwon?" he asked, acting as if it was nothing much and took a sip, letting the bitter liquid burn his tongue by accident. "I'm not sure, but we're dating. At least he said that we're dating."

The way his mom stopped chewing and stared showed that she must've been surprised to say the least.

"You two are dating? Really? I suppose his parents and his bride to be don't know about it?"

_Why does she know so much?_

"Well, I guess not yet, but I told you that it's complicated, so it might take some time. They don't even know that he's into guys, it will be super shocking." Shaking his head at the amount of deception, Hoseok ripped off a piece of croissant and put it into his mouth, chewing briefly. "I'm really proud of him for speaking up to his pseudo bride. After I told her that I'm in love with him, but still."

"I see you went all out. But I thought so, you're not one to wait in the corner until you get noticed, are you?" A grin appeared on his mom's face and she pushed the plate of pastries towards him. "But it will be a hard one, I think his faith is very strong and he feels guilty for feeling like this. You will need to help him."

_She's right._

"I know. He thinks that he has to repay his health, which is all kinds of fucked up. Why would he think that?" He groaned, ruffling his hair in frustration. It was so hard to understand.

"He was told so, I guess. Imagine hearing that you're only alive because of God in the same frequency that you heard us telling you that you have to study, because we live in a society that doesn't value anything else. It'll stay as a truth in your belief system and will make you act according to it."

_Right._

"But it will be so hard to challenge," he whispered, swallowing his croissant. "I'm a little scared of that."

"Of course you are, but you wouldn't be Hoseok if you gave up just like that. You like him a lot, don't you? To be honest, I think he is very adorable, but it also makes me sad that he has to deal with all this while being so young. And then again…" His mother reached for his cheek and stroked it gently. "Then again he is lucky because you are the one next to him."

He smiled and pouted because his mom thought it was cute before nodding without saying a word. They understood each other like that.

***

The air was still as cold as ever, courtesy of December and the fact that Hyungwon had an inexplicable dislike for hats.

The way to his parents' home wasn't far, but each step returned the fear that he had felt the day before. He knew better now. They weren't going to look at him and see what he had been doing the night before. Even if it was written somewhere on his skin, a mark that Hoseok might have left with his lips, his parents weren't going to see it and understand. As long as he didn't say anything, there was nothing to be afraid of.

_But the problem is that you're sick of pretending and the one who must have spoken to them already is Sarah._

His parents talked more to his childhood friend than they talked to him, possibly because he excused himself with the reason that he was too busy for long phone calls and additional visits.

Since starting university there was more distance and more understanding on his side, awareness that a lot of the measures that his parents had taken weren't necessary and might have even been counterproductive. Hyungwon didn't struggle to admit that and therefore preferred not to talk about topics that resulted in disagreement.

The problem was that being in love with a man wasn't only a matter of disagreement.

_To them it will feel like you are forsaking everything they have ever taught you._

His hands were shaking when he finally reached the house and pushed his key into the door. Only Bella's barking provided a sense of comfort, the knowledge that there was at least one family member that wouldn't judge him for the things that made him happy.

The wet nose that instantly rubbed over his cheek as soon as he crouched was familiar, but the sensation of eyes on his back was not. Hyungwon felt uncomfortable and placed a kiss to Bella's head before turning around. His eyes fell on his mother who stood in the door frame and had her lips pressed together.

_Sarah must have told them._

His heart hammered in his chest as he stood up and didn't know what to say apart from the usual greeting and that he was home. He hung his coat on the coat hanger as usual and arranged his shoes next to the other street shoes before slipping into his house shoes.

"You're rather late," his mother remarked eventually and brushed over his shoulders as if to remove invisible dust. Instead of angry, she seemed resigned suddenly. "I know that you said you wouldn't come yesterday, so we didn't expect you last night, but I hoped you would be here for breakfast. Sarah came all the way and it's always so embarrassing to us when you're not here even though we expected you to be." Warm hands, similar to his own, brushed through his hair and cupped his cheeks before his mom sighed again and made her way towards the living room.

_Sarah was here? But why aren't they asking anything yet?_

It must have been the tradition of talking about serious topics when the whole family was sitting in the living room and feeling anxious. Hyungwon followed and barely contained the way his eyes widened when they fell on Sarah in a simple black dress, sitting on the couch next to her father and discussing something. She looked up as soon as he entered and smiled widely, immediately standing up and embracing him before kissing his cheek.

_What's going on?_

Hyungwon didn't know what to say, feeling like he was caught in a bad movie, or in the past while dreaming of his own salvation. There was no reason for Sarah to kiss his cheek and act as if nothing had happened, as if he had never told her that he loved another person.

"I made some Christmas cookies and even though they were meant for breakfast, I'm glad that you are home now." The black-haired girl smiled again and offered him a glass jar filled with various types of seasonal cookies, eyes remaining affectionate. Hyungwon looked at the ones with a red dot made of jam in the middle, waiting to wake up from the nightmare he must be having. Was he still asleep in Hoseok's arms, scared of what would happen once he got home?

_But this isn't what you expected. You expected tears, anger and accusations, but not this._

It felt like bile was travelling up his throat, making him dizzy and blinking more times than necessary as he simply grabbed a cookie and stuffed it into his mouth. It tasted like poison on his tongue and he wondered if that was it, if that was the way he would get punished for trying to oppose the way he was raised, poisoned by the woman he was supposed to love, but couldn't.

Hyungwon coughed, keeping the crumbs to himself by covering his lips with his hand. His mother was chuckling, telling him to eat slower even though Sarah's baking skills are superb. His father was smiling too, encouraging Sarah to take care of him and spend some time as the two of them. It felt like the same situation all over all, the same sham that Hyungwon had fought to escape by speaking the truth.

"Come on, Hyungwon," Sarah urged and kissed his cheek again before pulling him on the sofa and cuddling up against his side. "Your parents wanted to watch something together, one of your favorites."

The familiar feeling of being better off dead returned quicker than Hyungwon was able to forget it, hands shaking as they held onto his own thighs. His chest felt like a big void, one that words and feelings simply dropped into without any means of escaping. His lips were tied with needles and yarn, tightly to keep him from speaking out while the people around him kept rebuilding the nightmare he had tried so hard to escape.

_Hoseok isn't a dream. It's your life that is a nightmare._

_

It was deadly quiet in his room when Hyungwon finally dared to unbutton the collar of his shirt and removed the silver necklace around his neck.

_You only removed it before going to university before._

He didn't do it because he considered it wrong or stopped believing. Rather, wearing it gave him the feeling that he was caught in a nightmare that kept repeating. No matter what he said or did, the people around him acted in the same way, encouraging his relationship with Sarah while talking about future life plans and where they would get an apartment for the two of them.

_It's almost like you're Coraline, only that your real parents are the ones wanting to sew buttons on your eyes._

It made him feel sick and like both the collar and the necklace were trying to choke him, keeping him from escaping a place he neither wanted to be, nor felt safe.

_The place you called home has become a prison now._

It was already late evening, only two hours left before midnight and usually Hyungwon wouldn't have considered leaving the house. After all, he enjoyed being at home, in the room where he grew up and that contained all his childhood memories, things he loved and cared about, sleepovers with Changkyun.

_Now it's like a room that shows you all those times you didn't fit in, feeling desire when you shouldn't and feeling nothing when you should._

Sarah had left about an hour ago, acting out a perfect relationship that they didn't have while Hyungwon felt like she stabbed him in the chest with a knife each time she touched him.

_You need to get out, you'll go mad otherwise. You have to breathe and see that you didn't imagine everything._

Right now it seemed like nothing had changed, Hyungwon hadn't been close to Hoseok and hadn't promised that he wanted to date him, to be next to the person he loved instead of the woman he was promised to. Was he going crazy, having wishful scenarios of what he wanted?

Ruffling up his ash-brown locks, he stared at his reflection in the mirror and tried to understand what he saw. It looked like him, the way he tried to look, well-dressed apart from the unbuttoned collar and with big eyes and full lips. He looked real and not like an imaginary figure, one that was punished by having to relive the things that make them miserable over and over again.

_Maybe you don't need to be a ghost or a spirit for that._

Chewing on his cheek, he unbuttoned the shirt completely and threw it on the bed before slipping out of his elegant pants. There was no need for pretentious clothing when he was going out on a late-night stroll through the neighborhood.

Just when he was about to pull a simple, baby blue pullover over his head, his eyes stopped at a red mark on his shoulder. A second glance revealed it to be a bite mark, perfectly visible and contrasting with his otherwise smooth skin.

It wasn't much and to anybody else it might have even been meaningless, but for Hyungwon it was the only sign he had that he didn't dream what happened. He had really been with Hoseok the night before, sleeping in the other man's arms and kissing until the early morning hours. The bite mark on his shoulder told him that they had really been close, that Hyungwon fainted from how intense it felt and that his lips had been the ones to evoke an expression of bliss on Hoseok's face. All of it had happened and the little mark on his shoulder was proof of it.

Swallowing, he stroked over it with his fingertips, remembering how Hoseok's lips felt on his skin. Now there was even more reason to leave the house, to breathe fresh air and forget the nightmare that he was caught in, at least for a few moments.

Hyungwon slipped into the pullover and a pair of blue jeans and hurried downstairs. He said goodbye to both his parents, arguing that they must be tired, so he would take Bella out for her nightly stroll. Usually it was just a short walk around the corner, but he needed more than that.

His favorite girl was excited as she jumped around and licked over his face before finally letting him fasten the leash. Hyungwon made sure to dress warmly, thick coat, scarf and gloves, but as usual he didn't bother to wear a hat.

_You still have Hoseok's at your place, bright red and smelling like him._

He smiled and hurried out of the house, closing the door behind him and breathing for the first time in hours. Was it going to be like this forever? Hyungwon didn't want it to be, he wanted to be able to feel at ease, to meet the person he was in love with and share as much time with them as possible. Was it that difficult?

Bella barked suddenly when they got closer to the nearby park, but he shushed her, concerned that the neighbors would complain about the noise. 

Despite his efforts his Golden Retriever didn't care and pulled at the leash, barking once more and tugging him deeper into the park like in a bad horror movie.

A black dog ran over to them, fitting the theme all too well and smelled Bella, before jumping at him and almost sweeping him off his feet. A male voice sounded, and the familiarity overwhelmed him, pulling at his chest before he could see the brunette man who ran towards them.

"Don't jump, Jeezy, you ass," Hoseok yelled and stopped in front of him, eyes widening briefly as soon as he recognized him. "Hey. This is the first time I've met you here, but we meet so often recently, I think it's a sign," the low voice chuckled followed by a gorgeous smile. "Are you alone?"

Hyungwon knew that it was ridiculous, but all his worries during the past few hours had made it seem as if Hoseok was only a product of his imagination. The way humans invent their own salvation in desperate times by seeing angels and thereby enduring whatever was happening to them.

_Did you invent him to get out of this nightmare?_

Instead of replying, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, nose buried in the thick scarf the other man was wearing. Jeezy obviously felt left out, attempting to squeeze himself between their legs while Bella barked at Hoseok, probably thinking he was a threat.

"It's okay, Bella," he whispered, but didn't lift his head from Hoseok's shoulder. The mind couldn't be so detailed with hallucinations, could it? "It really happened, didn't it? When I came to you yesterday and slept in your arms. Please tell me that I'm not imagining things."

"Was it bad?" the pleasant low voice asked and he felt Hoseok's arms around him, cold hand stroking over his hair and warm lips whispering against the shell of his ear. "It's been a few hours, but I missed you so much. Am I greedy?"

_You must be losing your mind._

"I don't know, am I? I missed you too," Hyungwon chuckled and squeezed Hoseok once before stepping back and taking the cold hands between his own. "Why aren't you wearing gloves? You're going to freeze, especially while walking a dog."

Hyungwon glanced down into Hoseok's dark eyes, convincing himself that he wasn't going crazy, that the two dogs running around them and complaining weren't part of his imagination. He tightened his grip on Bella's leash to make sure she didn't decide to run around them a few times and make the two of them drop to the frozen ground.

_But why do all of them keep pretending? Why did nothing change?_

"I'm so happy suddenly that mom forced me to take Jeezy out." Hoseok cupped his face, sending shivers down his spine with how freezing cold the delicate fingers felt against his cheeks. Leaning forward, the hot lips touched his, covering him in the scent of cigarette smoke and wild berry chewing gum. "Sorry, I probably smell like an ashtray, but I can't resist."

"It's not good for you," Hyungwon murmured, but the way his lips parted and his whole body moved towards Hoseok was enough of a sign for how much he wanted to be close to the other man. He didn't even care about being outside where everybody could see them if only they left their houses and entered the park. "I went out with Bella because I felt like I was going to suffocate. Like in a movie in which one wakes up in the morning and has to go through the same terrible events over and over again, unable to stop the cycle."

_He's the first person that you can talk about your concerns to without a second thought. Is that what makes it so different, why you need him so much?_

The other man hummed, stepping closer and meeting his parted lips in another deep kiss. "Do you feel as if their reaction is suffocating you? Or is it pressuring? You have the right to feel bad about this. You want them to accept you the way you are, so if it doesn't happen, it hurts a lot."

_The problem is that nothing is happening, like a curse._

"There wasn't even a reaction, Hoseok. When I came home my mother was simply disappointed because she invited Sarah and I wasn't there in time for breakfast." He inhaled sharply and bridged the distance one more time, pressing their lips together and enjoying the closeness as Jeezy began crying for attention and Bella was pretending to be independent and walked around them. It felt like a small sanctuary for the two of them, a place where he felt safe because he was with the person he loved. "Sarah, she- she didn't tell them anything. She just kept pretending that I wasn't in love with anybody else, embracing me and talking about what kind of apartment she would like and- I felt so sick, Hoseok. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"She did what?" Hoseok leaned back and stared at him in complete disbelief. "She's nuts. She knows perfectly well that this won't work out, what the fuck?"

"I don't know. At first I thought it was because she's scared too, but she seemed so at ease while pretending. As if it's not difficult for her at all while I felt like she was stabbing me with a silver knife." Hyungwon sighed and wrapped his hands around Hoseok's cold palms again before simply taking off his gloves and pulling them over the other man's delicate hands. "It felt like I just dreamt of being with you and it didn't really happen. That's why I was going mad and had to go out and breathe. The bite mark- it… reminded me of you."

He swallowed, suddenly embarrassed and glanced down at Jeezy who had his mouth open and stared at him with excitement, tail constantly brushing over their legs.

"The mark? You mean it's still visible? I'm sorry, I was a little too excited. I want to be close to you every day and so often that you won't be able to doubt it. But I don't understand how she can act close towards you and as if nothing happened if she knows that it's making you miserable. I can't tolerate that." Hoseok wrapped his glove covered hands around his waist and pulled him closer, placing kisses on both his cheeks and his lips.

_Maybe she thinks that she is protecting you from your own thoughts?_

The way Sarah had talked about Hoseok loving men had already given Hyungwon a taste of what she thought about that, why she considered the brunette a bad influence and somebody to stay away from.

"Don't apologize for something that made me happy." Hyungwon let his fingers brush over his own shoulder briefly, right where the bite mark was, before meeting Hoseok's gaze. "She must think she's doing me a favor, keeping me from making a wrong decision that will turn me away from religion and belief."

_But she doesn't understand that it's too late, that it will make her miserable too._

There was no way that pretending could make him somebody who loves a woman, not in the way that was expected of him.

_And you don't want to. You want to be with him._

"I guess it'll be a fight then because I made it clear that I won't give up. I maybe have no faith, but I know pretty damn well what I want. I want you, Hyungwon. I don't care that she is delusional about this, I only care about how you will deal with having a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time." Grinning briefly, Hoseok fixed his hair and embraced him, low voice whispering confessions in his ear.

_But you told her that you love somebody else, how can she still expect to keep the relationship going?_

"I don't want to have both, I only want to have you," he replied and kept wishing that he didn't have to go back and continue in the same manner, answer questions about the future that didn't apply anymore and suffocate in expectations he couldn't fulfil.

Only when the sounds got too quiet around them did Hyungwon suddenly remember to tug at Bella's leash. Unfortunately, it was too late as his sneaky Golden Retriever pulled towards a few trees in the park and tightened the leash around their legs, causing both of them to fall sideways on the frozen ground.

His head throbbed from hitting it against Hoseok's shoulder and he cursed silently before finally opening his eyes.

"God, I'm so sorry, she hates being bored-" he began before he just stopped, a little overwhelmed by how beautiful Hoseok looked in the minimal white light with his dark eyes, bright scarf and the remnants of ice on the ground around him.

"I hate being bored too, so I can understand that. I like lying on the ground with you though, it's comfy," the other man commented and pulled him on top of himself, smiling brightly and completely unbothered by the fact that it was freezing cold. "Fuck, you're so beautiful and I'm so whipped. Let's just stay here, huh? Nobody pretends, and I can have you for myself."

_A dream again._

"You'll freeze," Hyungwon muttered, rolling his eyes, but secretly he felt the same, wondering if anybody would even find them, lying on the ground in the dark park and kissing because it kept them warm. "I still believe that you are a blessing, but luckily not one that is only in my mind. I'm so happy that you are real, Hoseok. I know it's a lot to ask, but can you help me? I don't think I can fight this alone. I'm so sorry."

"Where do your parents live? I really want to invade that space and plant evil doubt everywhere because it's healthy. I will help you. There's no way I can be without you. I told you that I love you. I mean it." Hoseok managed to grab a random stick and throw it for Jeezy, before kissing him again, muscular body wrapping around him. "You should invite me for dinner."

Hyungwon should have thought about it, murmured that he would eventually while kissing those curved lips and forgetting about his concerns. He should have, but instead he babbled his full address, an invitation to come and begged for the brunette to save him, all in one breath.

_Because maybe he can finally wake you up from this nightmare._

***

The look was so unusual that he lifted one eyebrow and ignored his mom's chuckle as she fixed his collar.

"I don't look like myself, why do I have to wear this?" he murmured, hating the white shirt and the fact that he had to completely button it up because one could see his chest tattoo otherwise.

"Well, because they're still his parents and you don't want to show them your naked ass and force them to accept you, do you? They're not pushing their beliefs into your face either." His mom stepped back and glanced at him. "Just in Hyungwon's face," she added quietly.

_Yup._

"I'll wear a black shirt. It fits better," Hoseok murmured and unbuttoned the white one quickly before exchanging it for a black one that he tucked into his black jeans. He looked hot.

_But they won't appreciate it, will they?_

He chuckled and took the expensive dark chocolate that his mom got as a present from her friend who worked at a dessert shop before fixing his hair a little and walking along the hallway to put on his shoes.

_Your theme is darkness, impenetrable and evil._

"I'll try not to ruin anything. But I need to help him, he asked me to." He hoped for a brief comment from his mom who told him that everything was going to be okay. Instead, she looked at him intently before a brief smile appeared on the familiar face that made him feel warm.

"They're people too, Hoseok. They just think very differently from you, but that doesn't mean that they don't have the right to live the way they like. They made the decision and it's not your job and place to educate them about your own way of life. You just want to make Hyungwon happy, so think about that first."

_You want to make him happy._

Hoseok hummed and nodded before giving his mom a brief hug and running down the stairs. The other man's family lived five minutes away and it was scary considering that he had run around doing all kinds of things over the past few years. The chance was high that Hyungwon's parents had seen him smoking, making out, or screaming 'Jesus for fuck's sake' at his dog trying to eat poo.

_But you need to invade that space, he told you that he feels like dying._

When he arrived at the door, he could already hear Bella barking before he rang the bell and put on his most beautiful smile.

There was a female voice calling out 'just a moment' before Hoseok heard steps and the door opened. In front of him was a very slim, but not particularly tall woman, maybe a few centimeters taller than his mom. She had her hair up in a bun and pressed her lips together when she smiled which looked a little funny.

"You must be Hoseok. Please come in. This is the first time that Hyungwon has invited somebody from university for dinner." Hyungwon's mom told Bella to sit and be patient which the Golden Retriever did immediately and gestured for him to enter.

The hallway wasn't broad, but the house still seemed spacious. To his right there was a small bathroom and to his left a small kitchen. Further along the hallway he saw a few black leather couches which must have been the living room and a round stairway that led to the upper floors.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Hoseok, you must be Hyungwon's mom. This is for you, it's homemade chocolate from a friend of my mother. She can do it really well and I hope that you like it." He smiled again after placing the chocolate into the woman's hands and glanced at the detailed arrangement of shoes before reminding himself of model learning and placing his own pair on the free space on the rack. Next, he took off his jacket and hung it on the hook above.

_It's all regulated. Wow._

He heard the sound of a door opening and closing on the upper floor and steps hurrying down the stairs before his eyes fell on Hyungwon who was wearing the typical white shirt and fancy pants and stared at him like a lost puppy. He looked adorable.

_You're so in love._

"I'm really glad you came," the other man murmured, barely loud enough to be heard and skipped the last three stairs with a single step because his legs were long enough. Hyungwon's mom was still smiling even though she also looked surprised by her son's antics.

"This is very nice of you, Hoseok. Please tell your mother that we're really thankful. We can have them with our evening tea afterwards while Hyungwon's father will probably enjoy a beer. He's not a big fan of tea unless it's black." The smile on Hyungwon's mom's lips stayed a little funny, as if she tried not to smile too widely and show teeth. "Let's go to the living room and eat, we prepared the bigger table."

Hyungwon's mother went first and also didn't bother to tell Hoseok her name as she entered the living room and left him with Hyungwon, who obviously couldn't stop staring at him.

"I love you. You look gorgeous," he half-whispered half-mouthed, making extra big motions with his mouth to cheer the other man up.

"All of this feels like a fever dream," Hyungwon mouthed back, but didn't bother to move his plump lips very much. "I love you too."

The other man seemed so shy, almost as if he was really afraid of what his parents might say. One might have thought it was a different person from the one that smiled brightly, told him he was adorable and taught him math. Even though Hyungwon was older, he seemed younger when he was at home with his family.

For a brief moment, the other man wanted to reach out and tug him along to the living room, but resisted in the last second, gesturing for him to walk through instead.

"I hope you like typical German food," Hyungwon spoke with a small smile. "My father loves it."

'I hate it,' he mouthed before grinning and replying that he was sure he liked anything his parents prepared. It was strange as he felt the need to say something nasty to balance all the phoniness and Hyungwon's behavior.

_You want to pull him into some room and leave another bite mark on his body._

'I hate that one third is always vegetables,' Hyungwon mouthed back and briefly stroked over his muscular arm before chewing on his cheek and finally entering the room after another call from his mother.

The living room was spacious with two black couches and a black couch chair arranged on the left and a large dining table on the right. The space seemed full with various shelves and drawers, an aquarium close to the couches and several paintings on the wall. A few of them looked like originals and others had quotes that looked suspiciously close to Bible verses. Right next to the dining table was a gigantic candle with a cross and other inscriptions on it, only partially burned and otherwise fulfilling its purpose as decoration.

_Scary._

Hyungwon made his way towards the dining table and sat down across from his parents. The plate in front of the other man was empty while potatoes, beef rolls and cooked cauliflower and beans were arranged in separate pots on wooden table mats.

"Please join us," a man next to Hyungwon's mother remarked and gestured for Hoseok to sit down next to his boyfriend. "I'm Hyungwon's father."

_Well, no shit._

At first Hoseok didn't realize why the slim body type and the face shape was familiar. Hyungwon's father had the same hazel eye color and a small face, curls that had already lost most of their black color and a really big mouth. It seemed even bigger when he smiled at him, eyebrows twitching briefly as if in recognition.

_Wait._

He stared for a few seconds before recognition kicked in and he inhaled deeply, composing himself as much as he could.

"And just like that, we meet again. Last time I didn't introduce myself, I'm Hoseok," he commented and smiled, acting as if he hadn’t laughed about the church while standing at the door in underwear and tried to persuade Hyungwon's dad and his friend to donate their organs to at least do something helpful for humanity.

_You did amazing. Unbelievable._

"Nice to meet you, Hoseok. It's pleasant to know that Hyungwon has a university friend that lives so close by. Have you found a way to help families in need? I remember you saying that you preferred to look into it at your own pace." Hyungwon's father smiled and it was impressive how he was able to make it look genuine, even if Hoseok couldn't imagine a man who forced his own son to live in abstinence would be accepting of somebody without belief and a bunch of tattoos.

"You've met before?" Hyungwon's mother asked, obviously curious. "I haven't seen you in church, Hoseok, so was it at the hospital? Do you help out there?"

His boyfriend seemed mildly terrified by the realization that they had met, but didn't comment on it, merely staring at his empty plate and Hoseok in succession.

"No, I don't go to church. We met in front of my door. And yes, I talked to my parents and donated to the children's hospice instead. I think it was a good investment. I would've never thought that you are related, but now that I think about it, it makes so much sense. I hope that you were successful with the donations." He didn't want to continue talking because something emotional might have come out, so he smiled at Hyungwon's mom instead. "Hyungwon hates vegetables, doesn't he? Can you give me his portion? They're my favorite."

"Oh, of course, just a moment," Hyungwon's mother muttered, obviously a little surprised, before she returned her attention to her husband. Hyungwon's dad smiled at him and commented briefly that the donations were successful and that also a hospice is a great way to help before suddenly folding his hands in front of his chest. Hyungwon's mother and his boyfriend did the same, closing their eyes and making the sign of the cross on their bodies by briefly touching their forehead, their chest and their shoulders. Hoseok simply stared, unsure what to say.

_Help._

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen," Hyungwon's father spoke before opening his eyes and smiling. "Enjoy the food."

_He should've knocked you out beforehand._

Hyungwon's mother smiled too and began to put food onto their plates, starting with potatoes, then beef rolls and sauce on top of the potatoes and finally the vegetables. As requested she placed more on Hoseok's plate, but still added a few to Hyungwon's, as if she wasn't able to ditch them completely.

"I hope you enjoy the food, eat as much as you like, Hoseok. There will also be dessert." Lifting a glass bottle with water, the black-haired woman poured some into his glass before doing the same for everybody else. The atmosphere seemed friendly, but somehow still tense.

"Thank you, this will be enough," he smiled back and poked his fork into Hyungwon's veggies before inserting them into his mouth and chewing thoroughly. He could tell that Hyungwon's parents didn't quite approve but didn't say anything.

"Sarah does it too," Hyungwon pointed out suddenly and shrugged before smiling at him and happily squeezing his potatoes with his fork to turn them into mashed potato with beef roll sauce. "It's nicer like that, you should try."

The dinner was generally rather quiet until Hyungwon's mom asked his dad about the hospital and he shared some stories of prematurely born babies and the families he was trying to help. Apparently Hyungwon's dad was providing support by talking to the families, listening to their concerns and visiting them even after the children left the hospital.

_That's cool._

"That's really nice, I was also born three months preterm. What do you do?" he asked Hyungwon's mom who somehow preferred to talk only when Hyungwon's dad said something. It was the other way around in his family. In addition to his question he stretched out his leg and stroked over Hyungwon's calf after taking off the provided slippers. Unfortunately, the other man was obviously not used to fumbling under the table and jerked so hard that he hit his thighs against the table and had to mumble some dumb excuse about burning himself at his mom who instantly asked whether he was okay.

It took a few moments for Hyungwon to resume eating and briefly glance in his direction as color spread on his cheeks. He looked beautiful.

_You are so whipped._

"I take care of the elderly at a retirement home. Since it's not full time I still have enough energy and time for taking care of the house and Hyungwon when he visits on the weekends. Sometimes I have to work on weekends, but I try to avoid that as much as possible," Hyungwon's mom explained and smiled at her son who was still blushing and stuffing beef rolls into his mouth. "Did your mom give birth in the nearby hospital? Maybe she got some support back then. My husband was already helping out at that time, even if he wasn't a deacon yet."

"Yeah, I was born at the City hospital, but I don't know if my mom got any support. It was a pretty rough time for her, I wasn't very eager to stay alive. Taking care of elderly people must be a very straining job, I admire you for doing that, it's really cool." He smiled genuinely and repeated the motion of his foot, carefully stroking over Hyungwon's knee.

His boyfriend didn't jerk this time, but pulled his lips into his mouth while blushing even harder. His fork was poking the mashed potato before shoveling some into his big mouth. Hoseok had never really paid attention to it before, but the similarities between his boyfriend and his parents were there when one looked closely.

_Duh._

"That's really sweet of you to say, Hoseok. It is tiring, but also rewarding. I enjoy singing songs with the elderly or hearing stories about their lives. There is always a lot to learn. Would you like quark with cherries for dessert?" Hyungwon's mom stood up and began to collect the plates as Hyungwon quickly jumped up and helped her carry everything into the kitchen. Remaining seated with Hyungwon's dad felt awkward, but the other man seemed to mind it less, merely observing him briefly before sighing in satisfaction.

"How did you and Hyungwon meet? You seem younger, so I guess it wasn't during lectures." Hyungwon's dad smiled once more before pouring more water into all four glasses. "I feel like I might remember your mother, especially if you resemble her."

_Awkward._

"I look just like my mother, but that would be nineteen years ago, it's been a long time, so I don't think you'd remember. I was in one of Hyungwon's tutorials and asked him if he could give me one on one lessons and he did. My exam is next week, so I hoped to get some more help today too," he lied with a smile because the tension was driving him insane. "I guess he didn't say anything about me, right?"

"You must be the student then!" Understanding dawned upon the features of Hyungwon's dad and he nodded once more before returning his wide smile. "Hyungwon mentioned you a lot, especially since he was taking so much time to help you and decided to come much later on Fridays. I hope all those lessons helped you and of course the two of you can go up and have peace and quiet for additional studying."

_Of course you can, because you're a dude._

Hyungwon's mom returned with a big bowl of quark and smiled as she put it in small glass bowls. A teaspoon was next to each bowl and Hoseok couldn't believe how organized everything was. Hyungwon kept chewing on his cheek and answering in brief sentences about life in uni and his lectures until they finally emptied their plates and were allowed to stand up.

"I wish you success," Hyungwon's father remarked as they made their way up the stairs, obviously to Hyungwon's surprise.

"Success with what?" his boyfriend asked once they arrived on the second floor and he saw four doors. One obviously led to the bathroom, the one on the very left. Hyungwon entered the room right next to it and tugged him along by wrapping his long fingers around his wrist. Only when the door was shut behind them, Hyungwon took a deep breath, as if he hadn't been able to all this time.

The room looked like a child was living there, a single bed against the wall on the right, a colorful carpet, a desk with a few complex geometric constructions on it and finally a bunch of bookshelves and drawers that were filled with books on math, novels and some language textbooks. Right above Hyungwon's bed there was a lamp with a wooden cross hanging from it.

_Scary._

He didn't pay too much attention to the room because he had felt like suffocating too. Wrapping his arm around Hyungwon's waist, he pushed the slim body against the door and clashed their lips together in a deep kiss that felt so liberating.

The other man gasped, hands instantly lifting up to lie flat against his chest, but Hyungwon didn't push him away. Instead it seemed like tension finally left the broad shoulders and the slim body melted into him, plump mouth giving into his own and ash-brown hair rubbing over the wooden door.

"I understand what you mean, but I'm not going to give up. I need you. I need this," he whispered, trying to make as little noise as possible as he stroked over Hyungwon's back, his perky butt and back up, lips finding the plump one's and feeling as if nothing was enough, as if he was bound to feel the longing no matter how close they were.

"I need this too," Hyungwon breathed out and finally wrapped his arms around his neck. "But they'll never understand, Hoseok. They don’t even suspect anything, convinced that I'm the way I'm supposed to be."

"But you are the way you're supposed to be. You are so perfect. You're mine, I'm not going to share." His lips couldn't get enough of the golden skin that smelled like some vanilla shower gel mixed with Hyungwon's specific scent that he loved so much that he wanted to drown in it. "I know that right now the thought seems crazy, but they will have to accept it at some point because I firmly believe that every parent loves their child and if they don't, they aren't parents. Simple as that. They will need time, but they will have to accept that this is you and this is what makes you happy."

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely tightened his embrace around his neck, round nose brushing over the sensitive spot behind his ear.

"When will this finally feel real to me?" the other man asked quietly and kissed the tip of his ear. "I know this is what I chose and what I want, but it feels like I only chose which lottery game I want to play and winning isn't up to me anymore."

"I don't know how to give up if I want something. I'm not able to. You must be scared, but I'm here. Do you see me?" Hoseok leaned back a little, licking his lips and stroking over Hyungwon's soft cheek. "Don't I feel real to you?"

Those hazel eyes observed him intently, passing over his eyes and lips, down to his collarbones before glancing up again. Hyungwon nodded hesitantly.

"You do," he whispered and pulled him closer. "And it makes me so inexplicably happy. Already having you here, next to me in the place I grew up and had all those thoughts and felt punished and- I can't even explain it. Having you here makes me feel like it doesn't have to be the way it is, like I can also have it your way."

_This is so fucked up. How can he even think that he can't have the things everybody else enjoys?_

"Do you have a key?" he asked, smiling briefly and glancing around.

Hyungwon's eyes widened before he shook his head. "There has never been a reason to have one. At night everybody sleeps and during the day it's just me and my constructions." A smile was on the plump lips as Hyungwon pointed at one of the geometric figures on the desk. "My parents never enter, they don't have a reason to."

"Good. I'm going to touch you but this time I promise to hold your mouth shut. Deal? We won't do anything complicated, but I need to give you new associations for this place." His fingers reached for the white shirt and unbuttoned it quickly, greedy to touch the beautiful skin, the scar in the middle of Hyungwon's chest. His lips tingled from the desire to taste every single bit.

The other man stuttered something that Hoseok wasn't able to decipher before shaking his head furiously. "But- what if I can't be quiet? Or- they suddenly call for us, or-" Hyungwon didn't finish and merely held his breath, trembling in what must have been anticipation and instant arousal.

"Do you trust me?" he asked and leaned forward, licking along Hyungwon's collarbone before kissing down the beautiful white line of the scar, savoring every bit. "Look around and look at me. I'm going to give you everything you want, no matter where we are."

Hyungwon didn't look around, but kept his gaze fixed on him. It seemed so vulnerable and affectionate, the same expression that always got to him and made him feel so much. The other man's lean chest was rising and falling quickly and his body relaxed, plump lips parting and whispering his name.

"I trust you," the low voice replied.

"I want you to feel me. Try to pay attention to my lips and hands on your body, tell me how it makes you feel," he whispered, attempting to make Hyungwon gain awareness, to make the memory strong and stable as he purposefully went slow, carefully letting his fingertips brush over his bare sides, feeling the goosebumps spread under his fingertips when his lips travelled over Hyungwon's small, dark nipples.

"Like… you are sliding an ice cube over my skin, but even though it's cold there is this tingling that travels down. I'm- I'm not sure I can explain it," the other man murmured as his eyes fluttered shut and he pressed himself closer to the door, gasping repeatedly. "But your lips are so hot in comparison, the flame of a small candle."

"Now I want to play with an ice cube and see how your nipples harden when I slide it over them. I'll have to wait for when we're at my place next time." Feeling as if his lips were candle flames was already a good sign, so he used his tongue to play with the tiny buds as his hands stroked around the waistband of Hyungwon's fancy pants, opening the button easily. His lips travelled lower and he kneeled, wrapping both hands around the slim hips.

"Are you-" Hyungwon began, but silenced himself with something that resembled a low whimper before closing his eyes. "Everything you do always makes me feel so much. I don't know how to be silent, Hoseok, you make me scream."

"Then take me into your mouth," he whispered with a grin and used his teeth to pull down the zipper, mouthing around the perfectly shaped erection that twitched against his lips.

"But it's-" Hyungwon held his breath and grabbed his hair, tugging right when he must have been close to a louder moan or whimper. The additional wave of arousal that followed must have convinced him. "Show me how."

"Does that screech?" he asked and pointed at the bed before standing up and pulling Hyungwon towards the single bed.

_You are really showing him what kind of things one can do on a single bed. Just hope that his parents really don't come in. It'll be traumatic._

The other man shook his head quickly and tagged along, face a beautiful pink and erection straining against his black underwear.

"You are always so relaxed and aware," Hyungwon murmured and leaned in to kiss him briefly, big hand stroking over his hair and pulling him closer. "Were you ever shy too, unsure about how to touch somebody?"

"Mhm. With you. Because I want to have you, in every way possible, but you're inexperienced, so I feel shy about wanting it. I feel shy when you look unsure about us, when I think that you changed your mind. It makes me anxious and confused. But like this, when I see your big eyes and that look, I feel free and I’m just where I belong." Hoseok smiled and sat down, beckoning him over.

Hyungwon was quick to follow and simply climbed on top of his lap, as if it was a part of the way they interacted, the best way to make their lips meet.

"I don't know what to expect, otherwise I would probably want it too and there wouldn't be a reason to be shy." Plump lips brushed over his own and the other man tugged at his brown hair, testing out how long it had become. "I dreamt about the way you made me feel that night. I haven't had those kind of dreams since I was a teenager."

"I dreamt about it too. You can touch yourself like that too. Test it out in the shower, it's easy. But now… come here and sit on my face." Hoseok gestured towards his face and licked his lips suggestively.

Hyungwon's eyes widened briefly but he slapped his shoulder playfully and pursed his lips. "Don't we have to undress first? I don't think you like my elegant Sunday pants and underwear enough to lick your lips like that."

"I thought you would undress for me." He smiled and let his gaze travel from the broad shoulders to the slim thighs, letting his hands follow.

The gorgeous blush was right back as Hyungwon stammered a quick agreement and slipped the pants down his legs before discarding them at the side, along with his socks. Next the tall man pushed his white shirt down his shoulders and finally pulled his underwear down his perky butt. He looked embarrassed as he stood naked in the middle of the room he grew up in.

_He's so gorgeous._

"Maybe I should have left the shirt, just in case," Hyungwon muttered and brushed through his hair, obviously containing the urge to cover his groin. "I'm not really used to undressing like this."

"Come here and sit on my face, Hyungwon. Let me taste you and you can touch me in return." He was so aroused that it burned in his lower stomach accompanied by the longing that he felt next to Hyungwon, a longing that couldn't be satisfied.

The beautiful man nodded slowly and climbed on top of him as soon as he lay down on the single bed, head comfortably settled on the soft pillow. Hyungwon was hesitant but arranged his thighs on each side of his face while reaching out and lifting his shirt to cover his abdomen in kisses.

"I should be scared and worried, but you always make me feel as if nobody can hurt me, not even a divine being."

"Because feeling pleasure with another person is nothing a divine being should be punishing anybody for. It's beautiful." His fingers settled in the firm hips and he covered the cute butt in kisses before licking between the other man's but cheeks.

It must've appeared strange, his immediate switch to the sexual, but for him it made so much sense. If his words and his presence couldn't make Hyungwon feel as if all of it was real, then it had to be something intense, an experience that would form a strong memory, remain, just like the look in the big eyes always appeared in front of his inner eye when he thought about the person he loved, the person he wanted to make happy but couldn't.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 12

_Is this how enlightenment feels?_

Hyungwon couldn't be sure. After all, there were no proper descriptions of it and everybody who was believed to have reached it, didn't seem to be able to describe it sufficiently. Each prophet had their own way of describing it and what needs to be done for all others to achieve the same.

_But does it apply to others? What if it's something one needs to discover as an individual?_

Jesus had spoken of building a church inside one's heart, but people built churches on earth instead. Hyungwon had never really thought about it that way before, but somehow it seemed like whatever teachings prophets tried to deliver to the crowd, they were only misunderstood and changed into the grotesque. In the Jewish tradition a calf is not supposed to be bathed in the milk of its mother, something that was interpreted as a necessity to split food according to meat and milk products. All of these decisions seemed arbitrary if one considered that the messages were something that certain people found out for themselves.

_Maybe you also need to find your own message?_

Hyungwon's nightmare seemed to stop whenever Hoseok was close, pulling him back into reality. At first it was in the park where both of them kissed until they weren't able to feel their limbs anymore, frozen from the cold. But as soon as their lips separated, and confessions quieted down, he had to return home where his father asked him to join for the evening prayer and he heard the same request towards God to let him be an honorable human and bless the family with marriage and a child. He hadn't even thought about it that way before, but it was truly terrifying how his father requested the same thing as if it was God's will and not his own.

_Why is he requesting it if that's what God wants?_

The masquerade continued along with the nightmare until Hoseok stood in the hallway of his childhood home and smiled at him like the sun itself. The thought was ridiculous, but Hyungwon couldn't help wondering if Hoseok was his enlightenment, the person who would aid him in understanding the message that was meant for him without spelling it out word for word.

_He's so beautiful that it takes your breath away._

Hoseok was a breathtaking man, a breathtaking human and just seeing him in the hallway of his nightmare made it seem like there was a chance to wake up, no matter how slim it was.

The dinner was uncomfortable and tense, filled with the phoniness and the knowledge that Hoseok wasn't being himself. He missed the carefree conversations that he experienced with Hoseok's family, the way issues were discussed with ease and nobody bothered to pay attention to the way a beef roll was cut.

But still it wasn't the same nightmare, not with the brief touches against his legs or the way Hoseok pushed him against the door of his childhood room and kissed him senseless. Hoseok didn't fit into the picture, into the familiar space that only consisted of him and his worries, his wrong thoughts and the knowledge that something was off about him, that he was not the way he was supposed to be.

Hoseok was able to get past the facade and fill the empty space with himself. It was just enough to breathe, to feel tension leave his body and allow him to feel the soft skin under his fingertips, to tremble from the arousal that coursed through him as soon as lips touched him intimately. Hyungwon wasn't sure how to react, how to keep quiet so his room could remain their sanctuary, a place where he could be himself.

_Maybe it's possible, maybe you only need to learn how to stop being so afraid?_

Despite knowing that there was no place for his fear, Hyungwon still didn't want to be too loud, to gain unwanted attention by moaning from the way his body burned in response to Hoseok's tongue. He quickly fumbled with the other man's jeans and tugged them down the muscular thighs with trembling fingers. He wanted him so much, to know that he was feeling good and that they were close, that it was their choice to be close because they were in love.

_You're close to the person you love because you want to be, even in the place you consider a prison._

It felt so freeing, as if nothing was impossible as long as Hoseok was next to him and as long as he had the support of the man he loved.

It was probably unnecessarily emotional, so he didn't speak of it and put his efforts into removing the other man's underwear and freeing his firm erection. It was hot in his hand and he traced its shape with his fingertips before finally closing his lips around the tip.

Hyungwon didn't want to make too much noise and wanted Hoseok to feel good, so he did his best to suck and use his tongue, containing the whimpers that sounded from deep within his chest by taking more of the other man.

_You would have never done this before, too scared of what might happen if you were found out._

Maybe it was the pleasure that got to his head, but somehow even the thought of his parents finding out scared him less and less. Hoseok's touches stole his breath away while making him feel safe, making him forget about caution and lift his head despite the mind-blowing pleasure.

_He's the only one who makes you feel this way._

"I love you," he whispered, knowing that it might not have been the right situation to say it, but being unable to keep it to himself. Hoseok felt like a part of him, lying on the bed that he had spent such a big part of his life on.

_It's as if he belongs now, really belongs to your life instead of being a dream._

"I love you too. That's why I want to give you everything beautiful. The pleasure, the intimacy, I want to fill everything with it." The breathless whispers quieted down as Hoseok shifted under him and took him into his mouth, hot and wet.

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip with force to contain any sound and resumed his efforts to make Hoseok feel the same, to make him feel pleasure too until he could wrap his arms around the beautiful man and enjoying the closeness, the body heat and the intimacy.

He was doing his best, sliding gradually more of Hoseok's length into his mouth and using his tongue to stimulate the tip the way he had learned to. The slight bitterness of precum only made it more real, so he welcomed it while caressing Hoseok's hips and attempting to stay composed with the constant pleasure.

Hyungwon's face was burning and his legs kept shaking from attempts to stay upright and hold back his orgasm because Hoseok wasn't quite there yet. His breaths got rough and frequent and he kept inhaling through his nose while whimpering because it felt too good to not make a sound. Meanwhile Hoseok took him whole, pulling his hips down and letting his tip hit the back of the other man's throat, humming around him before lifting his hips again with his strong arms.

"Fuck my mouth, babe, do it," the rough voice whispered and he felt the warm lips around him again.

Hoseok talked differently when he felt pleasure and even though it was unusual Hyungwon liked it a little bit. His eyes squeezed shut from how good it felt and he moved his hips. He was too close to slow down, so he didn't, feeling the heat and the pleasure until it exploded behind his eyelids. He purposefully took most of Hoseok's length into his mouth to keep quiet, whimpering around it and feeling embarrassed for not holding out.

At first he wanted to apologize, but instead he increased his efforts, humming and moving quicker while trying out how it felt when he swallowed around the tip.

Hoseok started moving his hips too, swallowing around his length and making him shake from sensitivity shortly before he came as well, moans vibrating around his erection.

Hyungwon did his best to swallow and tried to make sure nothing spilled because his mother was the one taking care of the sheets. It would have been another uncomfortable situation that he preferred to avoid. Hoseok's skin was hot under his fingertips and he stroked over the other man's hip bones and traced his vline before climbing off of him and kneeling naked on the small bed. It felt a little strange to be completely undressed whereas Hoseok only had his pants lowered while breathing heavily, just like him.

"I'm sorry that I can't hold out for long. I'm not really used to it," he murmured and chewed on his cheek. "Like this, lying on this bed, it really seems like you are finally part of my life and not just an escape from the nightmare I call home."

"I'm so sorry that it feels like a nightmare to you," the beautiful man breathed out and sat up, pulling him into a tight embrace, delicate fingers carefully massaging his scalp. "I want to replace this feeling so badly."

_He can._

"Hold me," he whispered in reply and instantly wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck to feel him close. Hyungwon wanted to keep the warmth, the proximity and the feeling of intimacy that they shared when they embraced and kissed softly. One might argue that he should have yearned for the sexual, but somehow it was the tender touches and intimate kisses that made him feel the most.

Maybe it was because they made it seem like it was okay to be feeling this way.

_

Hyungwon didn't know what he expected when he asked Sarah to come to his dorm room. Maybe it was that the black-haired girl would decline or be uncomfortable about it. He had even expected her to cry as soon as she saw him because of the truth he had shared with her and the effort it took to maintain their pseudo relationship.

_She can't be okay with this, can she?_

He hadn't expected his childhood friend to stand in front of his door with a wide smile and some chocolate that she bought on the way.

_Can't she tell that you want to talk about the situation?_

"I'm so glad to see you," Sarah exclaimed and kissed his cheek before sitting down on the white chair and crossing her legs. "How's university going? I hope you're not too stressed."

Hyungwon was still standing at the door which he closed carefully and couldn't help the nausea that developed instantly. It was the same feeling of helplessness, as if Sarah had brought a pair of iron cuffs and a gag and restrained him.

_But you can speak out, even if she doesn't want you to._

"I wanted to talk to you about what I told you last time," he began after swallowing down the sensation of bile moving up his throat. The smile faded away and his childhood friend pressed her lips together for a few seconds before pretending to be cheerful again.

"What about it?"

_Does she really want to pretend that you didn't say anything? Why is she doing this to herself?_

"I- I meant it, Sarah. I'm in love with somebody else. I don't think we should be doing this to ourselves," he tried again and entered the room to be closer before sitting down on the bed. The screeching didn't make it any easier.

"Aren't you being selfish?" Sarah's green eyes focused on him and she inhaled through her lips. "We're not doing this to ourselves. You're doing this to us while I'm fighting to keep everything together. Do you think this is easy? It hurts to think that you don't feel that way about me, but is it really worth breaking everything we worked for all these years?"

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he didn't know how to react, what to say to the bitterness that was so thick in the air he could almost taste it.

"But… why would you want to continue like this, Sarah? I won't be able to give you what you want and need, there's no way anything is going to change about the way I feel. I- I really treasure you as a friend, a childhood friend, but I cannot give you more than that," he tried and brushed through his long hair to get it out of his eyes.

_Doesn't she see that it's confining her too?_

"You've managed all these years, holding me and spending time with me until that one time when things didn't work out. Are you making such a big decision because of that alone?"

_She doesn't understand the way you feel about him, that it's not comparable._

Hyungwon shifted and tried to find the right words to say the truth without being hurtful.

"It's not that one time, Sarah. It's- every time. I've been forcing myself, thinking that I had to, but I don't think that way. It makes me miserable and I don't want to do this anymore," he murmured, feeling the sudden need to hide his face and not be confronted with the girl in front of him. It hurt to know that she considered him selfish for wanting to end the nightmare he was surrounded by.

_Can't she see that you're not the right person for her?_

"You're miserable now, because you don't understand that it will fade." The black-haired girl stood up from the chair and sat down next to him, one palm stroking over his shoulder. "It is so easy to ruin something that's already there with your actions. It's so easy to break what we’ve had all these years because of a heathen like him, Hyungwon. But it's difficult to build something anew from scratch and you know it. You know that I'm right, but you're only listening to temptation. Let me help you break free from it."

Sarah curled her arms around him and pulled him closer, wet lips suddenly meeting his and causing a shudder to pass through his body. Hyungwon felt revolted, but not because of the kiss or because of what his childhood friend was doing. It was her words and how convinced she seemed that she was doing the right thing, freeing him from misery instead of inflicting it on him.

His hands were quicker than his mind as they pushed the slim woman away and he stood up, leaning against the wall and breathing heavily to calm himself. One hand covered his face and eyes, giving him a moment of darkness to collect his thoughts, to understand what he was supposed to do.

"I don't want to," he forced out and gritted his teeth, body still shaking because he felt so helpless. "I don't want to break free from it because it makes me happy, Jesus Christ. He's the first person who made me happy."

It was silent as Sarah slowly stood up from the bed but didn't walk towards him. Instead the black-haired girl wrapped her coat around her shoulders and donned her scarf and fluffy hat on the way to the door.

"You might think that now, but I won't give up on this as easily as you have. You will see reason, Hyungwon. I only hope it won't be too late for redemption then."

There was no sound of the door falling into its lock, but Hyungwon didn't even care as he slipped down the wall and tried to contain his tears, chest shaking with sobs and the familiar feeling of helplessness and guilt that he had tried to abandon all this time.

"Oh, why are you here again? To make him miserable?" Hoseok's voice sounded in the hallway like a hallucination.

"The only one who makes him miserable is you. There is nothing holy, nothing sacred about you, so you go around and break people's lives apart," Sarah hissed in reply, sounding more hostile than Hyungwon had ever heard her.

_Are you imagining things?_

He lifted his head, but his tears still blurred his vision and turned the door into a vague mix of brown.

"That is definitely bullshit and you know it. You just try to explain to yourself why you selfishly attempt to keep somebody who doesn't love you next to you by conviction. I guess you're scared to face the truth that it won't work out. If your holy anything promotes that kind of shit, I'm sorry for you and for everybody who has to deal with that, but it's still people making decisions, so I guess you're just using God as an excuse to be selfish." He could hear shuffling and steps coming closer as he kept his eyes closed before he felt ice cold hands against his cheeks. "Are you okay?" Hoseok whispered and he could smell the mixture of raspberry and cigarettes.

_It's as if he knows when you need him the most._

"No," he muttered before chuckling because his current state must have been obvious. "I never thought allowing myself to be happy would be so damn hard."

Sarah had not left yet as he didn't hear the door, but Hoseok didn't seem to care when the soft, warm lips touched his in a kiss so gentle and comforting that he wanted to cry even more.

Hyungwon didn't care about who saw as he wrapped his arms around the other man's neck to have him close, to be able to breathe again and lessen the pain in his chest. If Sarah needed to see it to understand, then so be it.

"I go mad without you," he whispered against the familiar curved lips and stroked over Hoseok's soft hair, overwhelmed by the effect those kisses had on him.

"Then I need to be close all the time, easy task," the other man chuckled and kissed him again, pulling him into a tight embrace and holding him close. Only the ice-cold hands on his back sent shivers down his spine.

The door fell shut suddenly, but Hyungwon didn't even bother to check. He merely kept his eyes closed and their mouths connected, trying to erase the fear and pressure that he felt.

"What am I supposed to do, Hoseok?" he murmured. "She doesn't listen to me."

"Maybe she'll listen to me. I'll give her some time because I'm nice and then I'm going to go public with this. I won't let you suffer, this is not right, Hyungwon. I will help you if you want this. If you want to be with me." The warm lips covered his once again, drowning all his concerns.

_He'll help you. He's the only reason you were able to tell her in the end._

Desperation returned as soon as he thought about the fact that his situation was forcing him to remain silent, to continue the way it has always been. Hyungwon didn't want it to continue, not anymore. Each time he thought about having to pretend and not being able to have Hoseok next to him, his chest constricted, and he felt like fainting, scared of what it meant.

_You want to be with him, Hyungwon. He's the only person that makes you happy._

Hyungwon needed to reach out, to tell Hoseok that he wanted the help, that he couldn't do it on his own. Still, he hesitated, but not because he didn't want to be with Hoseok. There was nothing else that he wanted, but some of Sarah's words stayed with him, pulled at something he had considered the truth too.

_You also believed that you would be punished, that this isn't what you should be doing._

But why were so many people living without consequences then? Why was Hoseok able to make his choices and have a supporting family as somebody who was gifted life despite all odds?

What if it was true that enlightenment needed to be reached in one's own way, without instructions given by others?

_You cannot find out if you don't challenge it._

"I want to be with you," he gasped, realizing that he hadn't inhaled for several long seconds. "But I think I should break things with her first, make my parents understand that I- that I don't want to be with her. I'm sick of this pretense."

_She kissed you, but it felt like she was calming her own insecurities._

"But can you?" The dark eyes settled on his face and Hoseok looked at him, serious and determined.

_Can you?_

Hyungwon swallowed because saying that he wasn't scared would be a lie. He was, he was terribly scared of the disappointment he was going to see on his mother's face. She was probably going to cry, thinking about what she had done wrong even though it wasn't about that at all. He couldn't even predict how his father was going to react, whether he would be angry or disappointed.

"I- I have to," he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip to distract from the images in his head. "I have to at least end things properly, without giving her the opportunity to keep pretending everything is okay. She won't stop until I do that because she's just as convinced and scared as I was, Hoseok. She's waiting for the day I see reason, but I know that day isn't going to come."

"When?" the low voice asked, as Hoseok licked his lips and leaned back. "I just want to make sure that it's serious for you and you won't keep putting it off. You're struggling, and I believe that you would've already done it if you could."

_He's right. You keep telling him that you love him while dragging out the deception because you are scared._

"I feel like I'll never know what's right unless I challenge what I kept forcing myself to do all these years. I'm sorry for making it sound like I'm not serious about this. I am, I promise." He observed the way the other man looked at him, the knowledge that it was clear as day that he struggled to tell his parents anything, no matter what the topic was.

_You were even scared to cancel dinner plans._

But that was because he felt guilty. Hyungwon had felt guilty for not being able to fulfil their expectations and for feeling miserable in the life his parents had built for him.

_But that won't change. You have to change their expectations to stop being a disappointment._

"I'll go there today," he whispered. "I have to."

"Do you feel pressured by me? I don't mean to pressure you, but I also feel that this is a fear that I don't want to feed. You don't need to be scared that someone will punish you, nobody is punishing you but yourself." There was a brief sigh, before Hoseok wrapped his arms around him again and placed a kiss on his forehead. "It's not going to be easy."

"They will be disappointed, I- I know that my mother is going to cry and think that she did something wrong. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that yet. I'm the reason for their belief, Hoseok. I can't even imagine how it will feel to be the one to break it." Hyungwon kept chewing on his lips and tried to focus on the warmth that still remained after Hoseok leaned back, the sensation of hot lips against his forehead.

"I guess it's hard for me to understand because I never grew up with it, but it's revolting to think that you have to sacrifice yourself for it. I can't accept that." Hoseok looked serious again, chewing on his lips and looking nervous.

"It's difficult because this seems to be the bad side of it, the side that restricts me and doesn't allow me to be in love. But there has also been the side that made me feel like I have a place where I belong, the side that calmed me down when I was upset and that gave me an explanation for the things I didn't understand. Belief is somehow part of a person and losing it is like losing a big chunk of yourself."

_Just the way losing him feels._

"I- feel the same way about you, Hoseok. If I have to part with you, I might just as well rip my chest open because it feels the same. I don't know if you understand that, but that's how it feels to me." Hyungwon glanced around the simple dorm room before standing up and deciding that he had sat on the floor long enough. "I need to find a way to keep the things that matter to me, both of them, but I'm not sure I found a way yet."

"I think…" Hoseok started, low voice sounding hesitant as he stood up and sat on the bed, producing a loud screech. "I think you will have to explain it to me. I mean… what all of this means to you. I don't think I am able to process it. To me it just seems like a prison, but you are comparing being with me to having faith, so I obviously don't understand."

_He'll never understand you unless he sees that it's a part of who you are and the way you think._

Hyungwon thought at first, wondering about how one could explain the importance of faith and the comfort it provided to somebody who didn't feel that way.

"Let me try to explain," he began before joining Hoseok on the bed and placing one of his palms on the other man's thigh. It felt intimate this way without suggesting that he wanted to go further, providing comfort. "Coming home feels like a safe place when you are a child, doesn't it? It's the place where you are protected and taken care of and no matter what happens there is somebody to turn to. Having faith is similar to that, only extended to the whole world. No matter where I am, there is the knowledge that there is somebody to turn to, somebody who cares and even if that somebody doesn't necessarily interfere, it is a calming thought. My faith has helped me through many lonely and hopeless moments as a child, ensuring me that even when I felt alone, I wasn't really because there was somebody to talk to who listens. It's… the knowledge that somebody who loves you is always out there, watching over you."

Hyungwon felt a little embarrassed even though his words were the truth and he tried to explain as well as he could. The unease stemmed from the knowledge that Hoseok didn't believe, not even in the slightest. It must have seemed like a waste of time to him, unscientific and close to a lie. But as a source of comfort that has always been there, abandoning faith was like losing a part of oneself, a part of what one has always believed to be true.

_As if somebody had suddenly turned off gravity._

"You say it gives you comfort? It makes sense, just that to me it seems like it's making you miserable, constricting you. Sometimes I believe that the things you believe in and how you act upon them are contradictory." Hoseok shifted and pulled one leg under his butt.

_Because faith and the rules associated with it don't necessarily have the same effect._

"My faith gives me comfort, whereas the rules that I have learned make me miserable. It's two different things. The thought that a divine being watches over me, makes me feel at ease whereas the belief that this being wants me to marry a woman and have a child makes me miserable. I'm starting to doubt the sources of these rules while wanting to keep my faith. Does that make sense to you?" Hyungwon felt the sudden urge to reach out again, so he wrapped one of his arms around Hoseok's shoulders, pulling him closer and against his chest. It felt nice to be connected like this and to talk. The other man might have had different opinions, but he never made Hyungwon feel like he was making fun of what mattered to him.

_That's why you need to help him understand._

Hoseok smiled at his explanation and lifted his delicate hand to stroke over his hair. "It's your right to keep your faith, but if those rules are making you miserable we need to get rid of them."

"I'm trying to understand them, to see where they came from. You know… my father always prays for me to marry and have a child, but if that is what God wants, then why would he need to pray for it? I'm struggling to make sense of some of these things because they go beyond the mere comfort that my faith gives me." Hyungwon smiled too because the way the other man's curved lips spread has always been a source of comfort for him. "There are a few truths that I know for sure. I know that I am in love with you and that I have faith. Now I only need to figure out everything else around it."

"I would come with you, but I think that you need to do it without me because I don't think that this issue is exclusively about our relationship. I think it's so much more. Please call or come over. I’ll be home today." Leaning in, the warm lips placed a soft kiss on his lips and Hoseok got up, forcing the bed to screech loudly.

"I'll try to talk to them and then come to you, if you'll have me," Hyungwon replied and already felt a wave of anxiety because Hoseok had left his side and the reality of what he was going to do was starting to sink in. He wasn't even telling his parents that he was in love with a man, but even breaking off a relationship they had believed in since he was a child was a hurtful step.

_But you have to. Remember how much it hurt to pretend, how nauseated you felt, like a puppet in a play._

"Of course I'll have you. Please come." A breathtaking smile followed as the handsome man walked towards the door, slipping into his shoes and waving once. "Who knows, maybe you're not a coward, Hyungwon. Let's find out."

Right at that instant, Hyungwon knew that he was. But he really wanted to change that.

***

The formula looked like a blurry snake moving along the pages of his tutorial book. It made him dizzy and no matter how hard he tried to focus on the numbers, his gaze travelled somewhere else, just like his thoughts escaped to the big hazel eyes that looked at him as if he was salvation.

_You are actually making his life hard because your beliefs don't match and you keep pushing him to go against everything he considers familiar._

It was a strange feeling to be acting according to his values but still feel unsure about it. Hyungwon's reaction didn't make sense to him because on the one hand he felt caught in the prison and nightmare as he liked to call his life, but on the other hand didn't do much to escape.

_Can you be sure that you would be able to escape, if it were you?_

He wasn't sure, but his values had always been the most important to him, more important than manners, harmony or even relationships. Although he couldn't be sure that his thoughts were right, he still tried his best to act accordingly and to not sink into the usual hypocrisy of implementing values into action only if it was useful.

_Is that why you told him to tell his family?_

He sighed, ruffling his freshly cut hair and closing the math book. It was no use, he couldn't focus anyway and despite his exam coming closer, there was no way for him to forget about what Hyungwon was about to do and how it was going to affect his boyfriend mentally.

_He'll be so sad, won't he? They will probably try to guilt trip him so hard._

"Mom," he yelled, rolling back with his chair and throwing his head back, eyes slowly getting used to everything being upside down before his mother's figure appeared in the doorframe.

"Are you ok?" she asked and smiled before stepping closer and turning his chair playfully.

“No. Hyungwon is going to tell his parents that he is dumping his girlfriend, he’s probably doing it right now and I hate the fact that I can’t be next to him because I know that they will try to guilt trip him into thinking that he is doing something terrible and that he ruined their life or something similarly disgusting. Can you imagine people who would sacrifice the happiness of their own child for shit like that? How are they even human? They shouldn’t be parents in the first place if they can’t love their child like he deserves.” Hoseok was so fucking angry, lifting his head and shaking it to get his thoughts back in order.

_Assholes._

“Wow, you are really emotional about it and I can understand. You like him and you don’t want him to suffer, but at the same time you need to understand that they are his parents. He loves them and they must have given him many things as he grew up, things you can’t see right now, but things that contributed to his development and made him the person that he is now. I do think that they are wrong to demand that he marries someone he doesn’t love or marries at all and I think that they did wrong telling him that he has to repay his life because nobody has to repay anybody or anything for being alive, but saying that they aren’t human is simply wrong, Hoseok. They might do the wrong thing, but they can change too, you know? Don’t give up on them. I can imagine that Hyungwon will be extremely miserable if they weren’t there, so don’t assume you know the big picture only because you feel helpless. Try to be there for him and encourage him to be braver, to do the things he considers right, without disregarding his faith that seems important to him and without disregarding the people who were there for him when you weren’t.” His mom sighed briefly and pushed his chair towards the desk where the math book lay closed and abandoned. “Try to think about math. You can’t do anything right now, so it would be good to spend the time doing something useful instead. You need to make his efforts worth it, don’t you think?”

_She dissed you really badly just now, didn’t she?_

Hoseok pressed his lips together and wrapped his fingers around the edge of the wooden desk without saying a word. He knew that his mom had a point, but it was so hard to understand people who considered their religion more important than their son’s happiness.

_But they’re people he loves. You are hurting him by hating on them._

“Mhm, I will,” he murmured finally and reached for his mother’s hand that she carefully placed on his shoulder, assuring but at the same time light like a feather, without applying pressure. Somehow Hoseok thought that this was the way parenting should be like for everybody.

_

It was a struggle to keep his eyes open, so he jumped up from his bed and fixed his sweatpants before carefully moving along the long hallway towards the kitchen. It was midnight, but he hoped that the coffee would give him a little more energy without waking up his parents who slept across from the kitchen.

_The machine is fucking loud._

Everything was quiet apart from his dog who for some reason sat in front of the door and whimpered desperately.

_What's going on?_

The behaviour was very strange and he hoped that Jeezy wasn't in pain. Crouching, he stroked over the black fur and played with the warm ears, but the whimpers continued as his dog buried his nose in the thin crack in the door. Hoseok was worried and almost didn’t hear the shifting on the other side.

_Is someone there?_

It was a little creepy, but Jeezy would have barked if there was a person he didn't know. Lifting from his position, Hoseok carefully opened the door and stuck his head out to look around.

His eyes fell on familiar long legs that were clad in a pair of elegant black pants and bent to fit into the narrow space within the door frame. Hyungwon was sitting on the floor and leaning against the frame, arms crossed on top of his knees and head hidden among them. The sound of the door must have caught the other man's attention as he looked up quickly and met his gaze with wide eyes.

The sight was painful. Tears streamed down Hyungwon's beautiful face and had already left red lines on his round cheeks. The other man's bottom lip was trembling as he fought to stop, but couldn't stop, sobbing quietly instead.

"I'm sorry," Hyungwon whispered, voice rough like he hadn't used it for a long time. "I know it's late, but- you're the only person I can go to."

_Oh fuck._

He didn't say anything and pushed Jeezy a bit as his dog tried to lick Hyungwon's face and it was admittedly not the best timing to do so. He crouched too and stroked over the warm cheeks, removing the tears. "Let's go inside," he whispered, questioning his mother's arguments against hating on Hyungwon's parents. "It doesn't matter how late it is, just ring the bell and I'll come to you."

Hyungwon sobbed a few more times, swallowing to compose himself and chewed on his bottom lip. He looked so devastated that he could barely take it.

"I don't want to wake up your parents," the low voice whispered before Hyungwon suddenly wrapped his arms around his neck and held on so tightly that it was almost uncomfortable. The other man must have been terrified of letting him go, holding on like his life depended on it.

"Let's go inside," he said once again, before simply lifting the slim body from the dirty carpet in front of his apartment door and pulling him inside by a grip around his waist. "How long have you been sitting here?"

"I don't know," Hyungwon whispered but followed him, body barely moving as he slipped out of his coat and hung it up, as if that mattered. "I lost track of time." A glance at the other man's shoes revealed that he wasn't wearing the usual leather shoes, but house shoes which were completely soaked through due to the snow outside.

He swallowed the mixture of shock and overwhelming anger before crouching and helping Hyungwon out of the soaked slippers and socks. "Let me get you some fluffy bunny socks. You are freezing, aren't you? Tea? Do you drink tea? What kind of tea?" he babbled, scared because Hyungwon's feet were way colder than his hands which was bad.

"Anything really," Hyungwon replied, staring at nothing in particular. Suddenly, the slim body sank to the floor and he wrapped his arms around him again, holding on tightly. "I- I don't care about tea, I need you, Hoseok."

He swallowed and lifted to his feet, taking Hyungwon along. He might have seemed like salvation, but he knew that the human body needed more to function, so he hurried to the fridge briefly, taking out a bottle of lemonade and pulling Hyungwon along towards his room.

"Drink something. Please," he muttered and pushed Hyungwon to sit on his bed as he opened the bottle and held it in front of his nose. There wasn't even a questioning glance as long fingers wrapped around his own and Hyungwon drank several big gulps without bothering to hold the bottle by himself. Tears had stopped running down the other man's cheeks, but he seemed a little out of it, in a daze.

"Did I keep you from drinking coffee? The scent is in the air," Hyungwon whispered suddenly and kept stroking over his fingers around the lemonade bottle.

"Are you crazy, Hyungwon? Why would you care about my coffee right now when you just sat in front of my door crying for I don't know how long?" After placing the bottle on his desk, he crawled on top of the bed and threw the thick blanket over Hyungwon's body, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"It's just nicer to think about you and your coffee than everything else." Long legs intertwined with his own and Hyungwon rested his head on top of his chest, rearranging until he was right above his heart, listening to it beating. "Do you ever feel like you are sure of something, but then the sky comes crashing down?"

"No," he admitted and stroked over Hyungwon's moist hair. "I do feel scared or sad, but I can explain things to myself really well usually. It doesn't make me less sad, but mostly less scared." He thought about the time when his grandfather died. It was devastating and shocking, but he could somehow explain to himself that people stop functioning after a certain time and felt less scared about it. He still cried sometimes remembering him. The sadness and the memories stay. "Does it feel as if the sky is falling?"

Hyungwon nodded slowly and he could feel the other man's lips tremble against his chin and his jaw tightened, probably fighting another wave of tears.

"How am I supposed to believe that there are no punishments for my actions when as soon as I try to act on my own wishes a person dies, Hoseok?"

_Oh no._

"Did someone die? I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss," he whispered, taken aback by such devastating news. "How are you even remotely responsible for such a thing? You can only be held responsible if you are the one who made that person die, and I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case."

"I- rationally I know that," Hyungwon whispered and lifted his head to look at him. Tears were developing in his big eyes and travelled down Hyungwon's cheeks again, making it difficult for him to speak. "But how am I supposed to convince others? I thought they were so quiet because Sarah had told them something or because they could feel that something was wrong with me. I didn't know- I didn't think they would connect it. My mother cried so much, Hoseok. I've never seen her cry so much, begging me to reconsider and to do things right again because my actions have consequences. I've... never seen her like that."

The other man's whole body shook and he buried his face in his neck, wetting it with his tears. "I only told them that I'm not going to marry her, that I don't want to and that it makes me miserable, but they looked so scared, terrified of what I said as if they were going to stop breathing themselves, Hoseok. This can't be okay, I know it isn't, but- oh god."

"I'm so sorry, Hyungwon, I don't even know what to say to not make you even more miserable. How can they give you the blame for something like this?" _How can they do something like this to their own child?_

"I think they are helpless and scared," Hyungwon whispered and only hugged him tighter. "I can see it, but so am I. I'm also scared, but I don't want to live like this anymore. I just ran, Hoseok, I couldn't take it anymore when my father told me to ask for forgiveness. How am I even supposed to ever go back?"

_This is fucking terrible._

"Just stay with me," he whispered, helpless and unable to say anything else, anger pulling at his insides and adrenaline making him want to go to Hyungwon's parents and scream at them for doing this to their own son. "I won't let them treat you like this. I won't. They can't," he murmured.

"They looked so hurt, Hoseok. As if I ripped out a part of them when I said I don't want to be with Sarah. I don't even know how they will react once they know that I love a man, that I love you." Hyungwon coughed, a side effect of talking while tears were still running down his face and causing it to swell up. "Is it so wrong? I thought I was so sure that I finally understood, but here I am, selfishly crying because of rejection instead of crying for my loss. Of course, they think I'm a monster."

"But it's not your fault, Hyungwon. You are like this because instead of comforting you, telling you that it will be alright and giving you time to mourn your loss, they preferred to guilt trip you because you don't want to be with another person. I will never understand. I don't even want to understand that. I'm so sorry for your loss, Hyungwon, I'm sorry and you must be so devastated. I will hold you and I will kiss your even though I know that it won't make it better."

_But what if he thinks that it's wrong now?_

"If you want it. If you still want me," he whispered, fingers tightening in the silk shirt.

"Fuck," Hyungwon cursed and it was so unlike him as he lifted his head and suddenly cupped his face, looking at him intently. "You're the only thing I want. I told you before that I'd rather die than be without you. I still feel that way. I'm hurt, and I don't know what to do, but losing you is still worse, it's- I can't even describe it. Please don't leave me."

He chewed on his lips, but it wasn't enough to hold back his tears that ran down his cheeks because he felt so helpless and hurt. Hurt that Hyungwon's parents inflicted all that misery and sadness on him selfishly, scared and ignorant of actual consequences. "Do you think I will leave you? I'm not some deity that apparently kills people for living the way they like, I'm a human that understands you and loves you. I want to scream at your parents and I can not forgive them for treating you like this, but I will never let go of you," he pressed out through tears.

"Shh," Hyungwon breathed out and stroked over his cheek, removing the liquid that had spilled from his eyes. The other man acted as if his tears were worse than whatever had happened to him, repeatedly kissing his face and finally his lips. "Don't cry because of me and please don't be scared that I will let go of you. I know that I haven't proven myself to you in any way, but please believe me when I say that I love you. I told them because I don't want to hurt you anymore, it's worse than hurting myself."

"But what's the point of telling them if they just put all the blame on you? What changed after you did that? They think you inflicted misery on them, that's just not right. All of it is so fucked up, why do you even have to deal with this? Is the fact that you hid in the closet your whole life not enough? Now you have to do more? Make more sacrifices? For whom? Until when? Did God say when this shit stops, or do you just force yourself to live a lie until living seems worse than any kind of punishment? I will not… " he inhaled, tears still flowing like a waterfall as pressed his lips together, body shaking from the adrenaline and anger. "...I will not let them do this to you. I won't."

Hyungwon's hand was still stroking over his cheek as the other man observed him, eyes still wet and face a little puffy from crying. A small smile spread the plump lips and it felt so out of place at first. "That's what I thought too," the other man whispered and rubbed some of the tears from his own eyes. "The God that I believed in all this time and that I saw as a source of protection wouldn't do this to anybody. It's wrong. I don't want to believe in a God that does something like that."

Hyungwon took another deep breath and rested his head right above his heart again, listening intently and stroking over his cheek, neck and shoulders. "They must be so desperate, Hoseok, lost in their own beliefs and the punishments that they expect. My mother kept saying that she shouldn't have done it, not even telling me what 'it' was. It seemed like there was something they keep blaming themselves for and I was supposed to be the way to salvation. Like- like some sacrifice instead of a gift."

"You are not…" he whispered, struggling to breathe properly. "You are not supposed to be anything to your parents apart from being a child, a person, somebody who has individual rights and ability to make decisions. You're not their anything, Hyungwon. You are not the problem here. It's them. They need to understand that you're not a dump for their fears and the salvation they can't find in their lives, you're not theirs."

"But how am I supposed to make them understand?" Hyungwon sighed and pressed a kiss to his chest while attaching himself to his body, one leg draped over his thighs and the other flush against his own. "I told them because I wanted to stop pretending, to stop Sarah from acting like I never said anything. But I don't know what I'll do now, whether I can go back. I'm scared of how they will react. What if they won't even let me go to the funeral?" Again the slim body tensed and Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon was fighting his tears, breathing roughly.

"I'll go with you," he replied even though he really didn't like funerals, but at this point he was ready to do a lot of things. "I will do what I can, but I won't be able to replace your parents. My mom said that you love them, no matter how wrong they might act towards you, so I feel helpless because I know that I won't be enough." He finally stopped crying, but the words hurt so much that he held his breath again, trying to suppress the tears. Hyungwon was so warm, making him feel cozy and taken care of, he wanted to make him feel the same so badly.

The other man was silent at first, only leaving the sounds of their breaths until he shifted and pressed his lips to his neck, keeping them there for a few seconds. "I wish I could make them understand. I don't even need them to think it's right or accept it. I just want them to understand that this is what I want, that I've never wanted anything as much as I want to be with you. It makes me happy."

Hyungwon whispered the last words and returned his ear to his heart, breathing softly as if he didn't want to disturb the sound.

"I'm so thankful that you're alive, Hoseok. Thankful for whatever happened back then that made sure you can be next to me like this."

"I'm thankful to chance but most of all I'm thankful to you. Do you know why?" Hoseok felt his heart beat faster, feeling shy and a little excited, adrenaline still strong and making him dizzy.

Hyungwon glanced up at that, eyes attentive and making him feel so much at once through his gaze alone.

"Why?"

"Because despite what you were taught and despite the fear that you felt, thinking you were doing the wrong thing, you still looked at me like that, still took my cold hands and still kissed me. You can't be a coward if you were able to do that against all odds." Hoseok smiled for the first time since he found his boyfriend in front of his apartment door and shifted to be even closer, t-shirt riding up and feeling the sensation of silk against his skin.

Hyungwon mirrored the expression, smiling back and taking his hand to place a kiss to the back of it. "Because love is a virtue and a person that makes me feel this way is worth more than anything else to me. You're special and a wonderful human, sweet and lovable. I thought of you as sin, but you are a blessing."

"But I made you cry so many times. I don't think I've ever met anybody who cried as much as you in my presence. One guy got emotional because I made him come untouched once, but that's basically it." It was the truth, Hyungwon really cried a lot because of him and despite not being used to it, he managed to fall in love with that part of Hyungwon too. He loved everything about him. "I want to say that I will try to make you cry less, but I'm afraid that it won't really work out."

Hyungwon was still smiling when he shook his head and kissed him on the lips.

"You were never the one to make me cry, never from hurt. I cried because I wanted you, because I felt helpless and because I felt too happy being in your arms, so happy that I worried it wasn't real and only a dream of mine." Again, plump lips pressed against his and Hyungwon shifted to lie down on top of him, fingers carefully pulling at his t-shirt to uncover more of his skin that the other man caressed tenderly. "But I'm going to make it reality."

"I want to lie here naked with you. That way there's not much difference between us, just that my hands are cold and your heart beats faster than mine." He smiled and thought about how Hyungwon must have felt losing a family member and being blamed for the loss, but there was nothing he could do to help, nothing apart from holding him close and making sure that he felt loved.

"I couldn't want more than that," the other man whispered and sat up before pulling his shirt over his head and beginning to unbutton his own. "Hold me and let me sleep in your arms."

_Demanding._

He smiled at that and nodded before undressing completely and laying on the warmed-up sheets, one leg bent and looking at Hyungwon. "Come here," he said quietly and patted the spot next to him.

Hyungwon smiled too before unbuttoning his shirt to the end and letting it slide down his shoulders. Next, he slipped the black pants and his underwear down his legs, briefly surprised by his own naked feet as if he hadn't been in his right mind when he left his childhood home.

Licking his lips, the tall man climbed on top of him and arranged himself in his arms, lips close to his ear while fingers traced his chest.

"Did you ever lose somebody, Hoseok? At first… it doesn't feel real, but then all those memories come crashing in, shared experiences and things he said to me. Does it make me a bad person if I want to stop thinking?"

"No. When my grandfather died it was shocking because we were super close, and I was younger, so it felt unreal and cruel. I spent days and nights just reading books on neuroscience. That's how I got so good at biology and chemistry before starting university. I tried to distract myself and do something else because thinking about all the things we did together and becoming aware that there was no going back and no additional memories to make felt so painful that I'd rather not think about anything at all." Hoseok stroked over Hyungwon's warm back, carefully tracing his spine and dancing over the broad shoulder blades.

"I miss our conversations too," Hyungwon whispered. "My grandfather wasn't religious, I told you that I'm the reason my parents found faith. I couldn't see him much, but when I did he taught me math. It hurts to think about it. I just- want to stop. To stop thinking for a few moments and have peace without wanting to cry."

"I'm so sorry." Hoseok pulled the slim body closer and placed a kiss on Hyungwon's forehead, enjoying the feeling of warm skin under his fingertips as he continued caressing the broad shoulders and sides. "I wish I could make it better somehow."

"You already do more than anybody else could." Hyungwon smiled before reaching out to cup his face and connecting their lips. "Can you make me stop thinking too? Or is it a shameless request?"

_Oh._

Suddenly the meaning of Hyungwon's words dawned upon him and he swallowed, still kissing back with a low hum. "Would you like me to make you feel good?" he asked, body reacting so quickly that it was almost embarrassing.

"Does requesting it make me terrible?" Hyungwon asked and placed kisses along his jaw and neck, breaths getting a little quicker as his slim body trembled on top of him.

"No, it makes you human. It doesn't mean that you're less sad or less stressed, it just helps you to cope with certain things. When you halfway rejected me back then I just touched myself and imagined how you screamed riding me and felt a little better afterwards. I'm not saying it made anything better, but it did help me be less devastated and more balanced." Hoseok licked his lips and let his hands travel lower, cupping Hyungwon's perky butt and squeezing the firm flesh with his fingers. "I want to make you feel good because you deserve it. You should be feeling good, it's not something that should make you feel guilty."

Hyungwon hummed softly and shifted in his arms, lips not leaving his skin. "But my pleasure will result in displeasure for your family. I cannot keep quiet."

"They will be okay," he muttered, legs wrapping around Hyungwon's hips and pulling him flush against his body as he nibbled on the other man's soft neck, hands roaming over the bare skin in a futile attempt to feel everything at once. "I want you. Hyungwon, I want you so much."

A gasp left the other man's plump lips and he sucked on one of his collarbones, responding to the proximity until he lifted his head and looked at him.

"You spoke of me riding you," Hyungwon whispered. "Is that what you want?"

_Is that what you want?_

"I want to make you feel good and I know that I can. I want to be close to you, I do, I want to be inside you, I do, but it doesn't mean that I want it no matter what. It's only fun if you want it too," he replied and licked over his lips slowly. "I must be completely stupid to say this, but I don't think now is the right time to do that. I'd rather repeat what we did last time and if you like, you can ride my fingers." The thought was so arousing that Hyungwon must've felt the obvious twitch.

"I understand, you want me to be in my right mind," the other man whispered before lifting his body and sitting down on top of his hips, carefully sliding his behind over his erection. "But how am I supposed to want something that I never experienced? I can tell you that I want you to touch me like that again, but I don't know about anything else."

Hyungwon seemed much less embarrassed than usual as he moved his hips and caressed his chest, as if he didn't allow himself to focus on anything else but him. Only the pink blush told a different story as it suddenly appeared on those round cheeks as soon as the other man observed his own state of undress on top of him and how quickly his own length filled out.

_This is too damn hot, fuck._

"I will touch you however you want me to touch you. Just watching you makes me twitch. I'm so whipped, shit." He moaned, head rubbing against the pillow and hands stroking over the lean thighs towards Hyungwon's hip bones. "Just imagine how fingers feel, only smooth and so much fuller."

"Do you miss it?" the other man asked suddenly as he rolled his hips and hissed at the way it made him feel. "The feeling of being inside another person? It is said to be an 'intoxicating delight'."

_What is he talking about?_

"I do miss it, but at the same time I don't want to just be inside a warm body, I want it to be you, so it's okay to wait. I guess. The feeling is overwhelming, pleasure and pressure at the same time, it feels amazing. But to be able to take me you need preparation, unless you can ease yourself down a barge pole without it, that would be the same kind of fun." He grinned and rolled his hips into Hyungwon's smooth motion.

A moan left the plump lips and the blush increased as Hyungwon nodded but looked rather embarrassed. "I wanted to know if I am depriving you because of my own inexperience. I'm glad that the person you want is me. It's the same for me. Would you… touch me the way you did?"

_Why are you still talking if he could be screaming instead? Are you okay?_

Nodding quickly, he reached for the bedside table and got a condom and lube, pulling the latex over his fingers and covering it sufficiently. "I want to show you how to clean up some day so I can eat you the way I want to," he commented, licking his lips and missing the contractions against his tongue.

Hyungwon didn't comment on that but nodded softly while stroking over his chest with his long fingers and nibbling on his bottom lip. Once Hoseok was done coating his fingers, the slim man lifted up a little and used his right hand to cover his mouth, as if he knew that he wouldn't be able to stay silent as soon as Hoseok touched him.

He reached past his thick length and shifted a little to be able to reach Hyungwon's entrance as he circled it carefully, spreading the lube and waiting until it warmed up before applying more pressure, eyes fixed on the handsome face. His other hand went to Hyungwon's pretty length, fingers wrapping around it and stroking it lazily.

Hoseok only heard a muffled version of the pretty moan that resulted as Hyungwon clasped his fingers tightly over his lips and flexed his thighs in anticipation. It was arousing to see how the other man's body already slipped towards his fingers, as if he couldn't wait to forget himself.

Instead of giving Hyungwon what he wanted, he teased him, applying pressure to the tip and dipping one finger inside his hot body that immediately contracted around it.

A hiss sounded through the space between Hyungwon's fingers and he pushed back even though Hoseok hadn't even identified the spot yet. The pressure on his dick must have already felt good enough as big eyes fluttered shut, followed by a whimper of his name.

Shifting a little further down, he bent his wrist and curled his finger, searching for the right spot, before he finally found it and started off by rubbing it in circular motions.

This time the moan was much louder, but still muffled by Hyungwon's hand as he pushed his hips down to meet his digit and allow it to slip deeper. Several rough breaths followed and Hoseok could feel contractions that went hand in hand with the flexing of Hyungwon's thighs.

"Please," the low voice gasped before Hyungwon covered his mouth again.

"Please what?" he whispered, playing with Hyungwon's tip and rubbing the precum over it. "Would you like another?"

A nod was instant as another moan was muffled by Hyungwon's hand and the slim body kept trying to push against his hand, eyes fluttering shut.

"This feels so good," the other man murmured and closed his lips around his middle and index finger, probably hoping to be more effective in keeping himself silent.

The sight was too fucking hot and he wasn't sure if Hyungwon was aware of what he was doing to him by trying to ride his fingers and simultaneously sucking on his own. He moaned and pulled his digit out before slipping two inside, finding the spot quicker this time.

"You can move," he said, voice rough and eyes focused on Hyungwon's blushed face as he kept the position of his digits and pushed his index finger into the swollen bit when he got no answer.

Hyungwon's whole body trembled as a consequence, followed by a rough motion of the other man's hips to feel more. Fingers couldn't have been enough to muffle the moan that followed, but Hoseok still felt sorry for the loss. He didn't even have to lead Hyungwon into smooth motions as the other man did it all by himself, one hand holding onto his shoulder for leverage while his hips repeatedly pushed down against his fingers to turn the sensations into moans and screams. The sensitivity he had seen the last time didn't disappear and being in control didn't reduce it either as Hyungwon's motions were quick to turn erratic and desperate, causing the pretty erection to twitch like it had just before the other man dry orgasmed the last time. It was so hot to watch and his mind easily supplied arousing images of Hyungwon taking him.

Delirium must have caught up with Hyungwon as he removed his fingers from his swollen lips and held onto his shoulders with both hands instead to have more leverage and be faster. Loud moans echoed through the room and transformed into screams as the gorgeous man threw his head back and only focused on slamming his hips down on his fingers.

Hoseok could observe it clearly, the way Hyungwon's abdomen tensed first, followed by his thighs and several twitches of his erection, but without the usual release. The slim body almost collapsed on top of him and Hyungwon exhaled roughly, still breathless from pleasure while moving his hips.

"Would you like another one, or are you good?" he asked, swallowing briefly and shifting to get a tiny bit of friction, because fuck, Hyungwon was so hot that he felt like exploding, especially after feeling the pulling at his fingers during the dry orgasm.

"I feel like I'm going mad if I don't move," Hyungwon replied and chuckled before pushing his hips down and moaning again. "But thank you for asking."

"Then move," Hoseok commented and moved his wrist, rubbing the sensitive spot with his fingertips as his other hand curled around Hyungwon's leaking erection.

"I want another," the low voice gasped suddenly as Hyungwon leaned forward and rested his forehead against his, exhaling against his lips. "Please."

_He must be feeling so good._

Hoseok nodded briefly and complied, using more lube and carefully inserting three fingers into the tight body, quickly searching for the spot to not put too much attention on the stretch. Hyungwon hissed first before exhaling against his lips again and tightening his hold on his shoulders. Those long fingers must be leaving marks with how desperately they held onto him, all until he found the spot and Hyungwon seemed to forget his previous concerns and pushed his hips down to meet his wrist.

"Shit," the low voice cursed before plump lips met his in a rough kiss, but without stopping the quick hip motions.

His fingers tightened around the tip and enabled Hyungwon to thrust into his hand while riding his fingers. He was going mad from the sounds, the sight and the way the arousal burned him from the inside, reaching peaks he didn't know were possible as his lips attached to Hyungwon's and didn't want to let go, licking into the hot mouth and moans disappearing between them.

Hoseok couldn't tell how much time passed, whether it was seconds or minutes, but it seemed almost too quick when Hyungwon's whole body contracted, a scream was caught by his lips and he felt warm liquid cover his hand.

_What a ride._

He rubbed the sweet spot one last time to see Hyungwon's erection twitch again before carefully removing his fingers, discarding the condom and cleaning everything up with wet tissues.

"You're breathtaking, do you know that? You make me feel all kinds of things just from watching you."

Hyungwon's eyes were only half-lidded and he was breathing heavily, much quicker than when he fainted due to feeling too much. Even though he looked spent, the beautiful man lifted up and rearranged his body until he was sitting on Hoseok's painful erection, sliding it over his lubed crack while chewing on his cheek.

"You must be going mad too," he whispered and rolled his hips before grabbing one of Hoseok's hands and kissing the palm. "I can't describe how good you make me feel. There isn't a single thought in my head except for the wish to feel more when you touch me. Is it supposed to be that way?"

"If it's good then yes," he hissed before moaning loudly and thrusting into the motion, arousal pulling in his lower stomach almost painfully. "I want you so much that it literally hurts." He chuckled and moaned again.

"Like this?" the other man asked softly and rolled his hips one more time while fingertips brushed over his nipples. "Or would you like to- to fuck my mouth again?" Blush spread on Hyungwon's face as soon as he said the words.

_He wants that, doesn't he?_

"Would you like that?" He reached for Hyungwon's blush-covered cheeks and let his index finger brush over the thick lips, chewing on his own in the process.

He received a nod in return and another smooth roll of Hyungwon's behind over his dick. Even though it was sexual, and he was aroused by the suggestions and the blush on the other man's face, still intimacy remained in Hyungwon's eyes, a gaze that told him he meant the world to the person looking at him.

A glance between Hyungwon's lean legs revealed how aroused he was once again. He didn't want to miss the way Hyungwon's face looked when he felt pleasure and was emotional at the same time, so he sat up and took the big palm, poured some lube on it and wrapped it around their lengths because it was too much for his own hand. "I really want to look at you, if it's okay. I like how you look when you take me between your lips, but right now I would like to be touched like this. Okay?"

Hyungwon smiled, expression genuine as he leaned in briefly to kiss his lips and nodded right after. The other man's thighs flexed as soon as there was stimulation and even though Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut at first, he opened them right after to meet his gaze.

"You probably don't believe in fate either, but I feel like I'm meant to be with you," the low voice whispered before stroking over both of their lengths in a slow rhythm at first.

"I don't." He smiled and hissed at the way Hyungwon's hand moved. It was arousing how the long fingers were able to curl around both of their dicks. "But it doesn't make it less meaningful to me."

"I'm glad we feel the same then." Hyungwon moaned softly and changed the angle of his hips a little to make it easier to move his hand. As soon as the stroking motions got faster, the other man bit down on his bottom lip for a few seconds. Then Hyungwon simply gave up and watched him with his lips parted, moaning each time he applied more pressure to the tips. "I love your genuine sounds, ever since I heard them for the first time."

"I love how you are when you feel pleasure. It is as if all the tension and restraint disappears and you become yourself suddenly, gorgeous and only for me to see." He moaned and shifted, one arm holding Hyungwon by his slim waist and looking up as if his boyfriend was some kind of deity.

_Your deity._

"Who knows maybe it's because-" Hyungwon gasped but smiled right after, "because I'm so unfamiliar with it. You make me stop thinking, just the way I wanted you to."

"No, I think that it's because you're supposed to feel this way, because you're made to feel like this, your body, your sensitivity, you're made to feel pleasure, Hyungwon, look at how you react, it's perfect. You're perfect." He leaned forward and sunk his teeth into Hyungwon's neck, leaving another mark.

Louder moans followed, encouraging Hyungwon to speed up the movements of his hand, just enough for Hoseok to forsake talking just like the other man did. The emotion didn't disappear and perfectly integrated with the pleasure, showing him how different it was to be close to a person he loved.

Their breaths sounded desperate and it showed in Hyungwon's motions, speeding up and making them both ecstatic. He bit into the soft neck, twitching in Hyungwon's hand as he came shortly after Hyungwon's warm release dropped on his stomach.

He listened to their loud exhales, bodies flush against each other and hoped that he had been able to give Hyungwon the salvation he was hoping for.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 13

A single turn was sufficient to create a whole concert of screeching tunes, filling the empty air in his dorm room better than any furniture could have. Hyungwon was lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, focusing on nothing in particular as he wished for time to pass and the feeling of dread in his chest to pass with it.

Before, he had been terrified of wasting the weekend away in a trance, but now that it applied to weekdays, he felt somehow thankful for it. It was easier to go to his lectures, to give the last tutorial before the midterms, to focus on math and the feeling of nothing instead of his concerns. It was easier not to think of the passing of his grandpa, the funeral that was on Sunday and the fact that his parents hadn't even contacted him once over the 4 days that he’d given them to think about what was said.

_It's Friday now. You cannot avoid it forever._

Hyungwon missed the math lessons with Hoseok, now that they weren't necessary anymore and the Christmas break was coming up. The other man had been the only one to break the trance for a short while, coming to his dorm room after his exam to celebrate and to wrap around him on his single bed.

_You miss it, even if you spend more nights on your own._

Hoseok's scent wasn't on the pillow anymore because Hyungwon had to change the sheets and he hated it, hated that he couldn't have Hoseok next to him at all times without the constant knowledge that there were people who wouldn't approve. People that he cared about, but who couldn't understand that he didn't want to follow their plan, that it made him miserable.

_The more you are on your own, the less you can agree with their conclusions._

Changkyun had called, but his best friend didn't sound like he knew all the details, only the short version he must have heard from his parents. Hyungwon thought of explaining and sharing, but it didn't feel settled yet. He didn't want to share the end of the conflict before it was talked through.

_You still have hope, don't you? Hope that they will understand._

The loudest silence came from Sarah, who hadn't written him a single message and not even her parents had contacted him. They weren't very communicative, but big changes were usually enough to hear from them.

_Who knows, maybe your parents are pretending again, thinking that you were delirious and didn't mean it._

He was procrastinating, letting the seconds and minutes pass by in the hope that it would become easier to stand up and go to his parents, to confront the two people that had been crying and accusing him of being the reason for his grandfather's passing.

The mere thought hurt enough to push the air from his lungs and force him to cough as he sat up and stroked over the sheets briefly, still hoping to find anything that calmed him down. Only the red hat, still hanging on his coat hanger, gave him a little bit of reassurance.

_Even if everything goes to shit, there is one person you can go to. He won't send you away._

Hyungwon smiled to himself even though there was nothing to smile about and put on his scarf and coat. Hoseok still had his gloves from the last time he visited and stayed the night because Hyungwon hadn't wanted those delicate hands to freeze again. The reason for his smile was also the other man, he had told him that smiling could be a way to lie to one's own body that everything was fine, that there was a reason to be cheerful and curling up the corners of one's mouth.

He wrote one last message to Hoseok, telling him he was going to his parents, before leaving the sanctuary of his dorm room and wondering what arguments he had for himself. There were several, the fact that love was a virtue, that nothing in the bible spoke of being forced to love another person. There was no reason for him to be with Sarah and even if his parents couldn't understand his love for Hoseok, then they should at least understand that he had the choice of his significant other.

Hyungwon had also realised how emotional he had been himself, so shocked by the accusation that his grandfather's death had been a punishment for his actions, that he didn't even think about how to argue against it, how to show his parents that it couldn't be true.

_Because you felt that way for so long too, it's not just the day you chose to tell them._

His thoughts were jumping from one argument to the next, one explanation of his feelings that was truthful to another that only mentioned the parts about himself that he dared to speak of. He couldn't tell whether his parents' mindset had changed, but he was the most afraid of them pretending, playing out a theatre piece in which he was back to being Sarah's boyfriend because that was what everybody wanted. Everybody but him.

Bella's barking was reassuring and Hyungwon whispered a few sweet words to her before ringing the bell. He wasn't sure whether he was welcome enough to use his own key.

Part of his worries dissipated into thin air as his mother opened the door and smiled at him, gesturing for him to come in. Hyungwon couldn't help the way his eyes widened, like he was expecting something hurtful to follow even though he couldn't quite explain where the sudden fear came from.

"Why are you ringing the bell? Don't you have a key, Hyungwon? Let's sit down for dinner, your father is already waiting."

At first glance, it seemed just like before, but his mother's lips were more tense and she didn't stay to watch him take off his shoes and hang up his coat. Once he reached the dining room, his father was sitting at his usual spot and observed him intently, as if he expected something to happen.

_You won't take it back, because you can't. It doesn't matter what they expect of you._

The tradition was the same, a prayer, meaningless conversation during dinner with the exception that his parents didn't ask him even once about his future plans.

Hyungwon knew it, he knew that serious talks were addressed after dinner when everybody sat on a black leather couch and had something to drink in their hands. When the silence stretched for too long, his father finally glanced up and sighed.

"I understand that you do not want to be with Sarah, Hyungwon. It is a personal decision of yours, but you have to understand that we are also shocked by how sudden your decision was. The two of you seemed to get along so well and it is difficult to speak to Sarah's parents without feeling embarrassed." His father's voice was calm as he took a sip of his beer and leaned back against the leather backrest, eyes tired and making him seem so much older.

_But they don't know how difficult it was for you to pretend all this time._

"But it's not sudden. I- I thought about this for a long time. I just wasn't able to tell you because I wanted to be sure. I am sure now and Sarah is not the person for me." _She never was._

Hyungwon didn't dare to speak the whole truth, too aware of the way his mother's eyes filled with tears that she quickly wiped away with her sleeve. His father was more composed, nodding slowly as he glanced up at the ceiling.

"We leave the choice to you, but it might be difficult to see other members of the community at the moment. I hope you understand with the talk that must already be going around. Your mother and I have thought about this and considering that you need to show remorse for such a quick change of plans, it might be better if you are absent this Sunday." A low sigh followed as his father met his gaze again, expression unreadable. "We hope you understand."

_What?_

Hyungwon was familiar with shock, with helplessness and with guilt that took over him whenever he was home. Those feelings were already second nature to him, but it was the first time that he felt anger develop in his chest, warming his blood until it boiled and forcing him to clench his hands into fists.

_They want you to miss your grandfather's funeral, so you can show remorse?_

It made no sense. There was no reason why being absent showed remorse, rather the opposite. His absence would only show a lack of respect, lack of any feelings towards the person that did so much for him in his life, bringing him all those things that gave him happiness.

"I don't," he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip. "I don't understand, because it is not my fault. I miss him too and I want to be able to show it."

"But Hyungwon-" His mother finally glanced up from her sleeve, still crying softly, "don't you understand that you have to make sacrifices to prove your faith? This is how you can do it, be absent and let us go on our own, to calm the eyes and ears of others and the one above."

_They won't let you go with them._

His body was shaking as he stood up, mind working furiously to wrap around their conclusions, to see the fallacy and to understand why they were thinking that way, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't do it and he couldn't change their minds. The way his father held onto the armrest of his chair with his fingers, turning them white like the walls, was enough proof of that.

"I won't be going with you," he replied quietly and made his way towards the hallway, perfectly aware that he also couldn't stay, not now.

_They don't want you to say goodbye to him, as if you are some monster they have to hide from the village._

The anger transformed into burning in his eyes and the familiar sensation of tears and Hyungwon was quick to slip back into his shoes, wrap his coat around himself and give Bella a kiss on the head as a goodbye. It wasn't her fault that he couldn't bear being in this house anymore.

The way to Hoseok's house felt like a single breath away, as if Hyungwon only needed to close his eyes and as soon as he opened them there was the familiar front door and the several flights of stairs that he ran up.

Leaning against the wall, he felt sorry for the late hour again, almost 10 p.m. and rang the bell. It took only a few seconds filled with silence before the door opened and he saw Mari. Hoseok's mom had cut her hair and smiled at him briefly before simply wrapping her soft arms around him.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Hyungwon," the pleasant voice whispered, accompanied by a pat on his back.

_It is always so different when you come here, isn't it?_

"Thank you," he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip, trying to swallow down the fact that his parents didn't seem to care how he felt about losing a person, forcing him to stay away as a punishment.

_Because they still think it is your fault, don't they?_

"I'm sorry that it's late, Mari. I wish I was able to visit at decent times and not like this."

"But you're always welcome here, Hyungwon. You're Hoseok's first guest who cares about what time it is. But you can come here anytime, I mean it. Even if Hoseok isn't here, just ring the bell." Hoseok's mother leaned back and stroked over his hair once before taking his coat from his shoulders and hanging it on one of the black hooks. "Hoseok is out with Jeezy but will be back in a few minutes I think. Would you like some tea, or do you prefer to wait in his room?"

Hyungwon thought about that for a moment, but he really didn't want to be alone right now, not even for a second.

"Tea would be really nice," he muttered and slipped out of his shoes while taking several deep breaths to stay calm.

"I brought some chrysanthemum tea from Thailand and made a pot for myself five minutes ago, would you like some? Or maybe a different kind?" Mari walked to the counter and lifted on her toes to get a cup for him before walking back to the big table and gesturing for him to sit. "Have you come from your parents?"

"Any tea is fine, really," he replied and sat down, feeling a little bad for not helping her get the cup. "I… just had dinner with them a few hours ago, so… yes."

_Does she know the situation?_

Hyungwon wasn't sure, but there was something about Mari that always made her seem aware, as if she didn't need to know to see what was happening.

She poured him some tea and placed the cup in front of him without making a noise. "You looked devastated, so I assumed you came from there. Was there some uncomfortable talk?"

Hyungwon nodded but didn't elaborate. The hot tea calmed his nerves a little. "The talk is rarely comfortable," he muttered before chuckling, surprising himself. "It seems to be another rule."

"I thought you would have some disagreements. You seem rather open minded, but some people struggle to follow up with that. It's not your fault, parents need to change too. We all need development."

"You seem pretty open-minded yourself, much more so than me. I wouldn't even say that it is open mindedness, but rather an attempt to understand and to question things. I'm sorry if I'm boring you with this." Hyungwon sighed and took another sip of his tea to stop talking. It was nice of Mari to go as far as calling him somebody who was open-minded but considering the things that happened inside his head over the past few months he was anything but. "I'm just a prisoner surrounded by metal bars who's trying to figure out how he ended up behind them."

_Did they slowly rise from scratch or were you the one who built them yourself while not knowing any better?_

"Awareness is a necessary step and you seem to be perfectly aware of what is making you feel this way. For some people, the metal bars can mean prison and constriction, but for others they feel like a home, providing a welcome stability, like a way of living without having to decide. But you know, in the end it's about you, how you live your life and what makes you happy, so you need to take yourself into account and try to make important people around you understand why you need to live this way and why you need to make that decision for your happiness." Mari smiled, drinking a sip of her tea and reaching for a truffle praline, nodding at him to take one too.

"I'm glad that Hoseok has somebody like you and Jin next to him," he replied before following the invitation and sucking the chocolate first because he preferred pralines in pieces instead of their combination. Hyungwon understood what Mari was telling him, it hinted at the same conclusion he had drawn for himself before. If Hoseok was the person he wanted to be with, then he had to find a way to make the people that matter to him understand.

_But they don't even understand it when you don't want to be with a specific woman, not really at least. How are they supposed to grasp that it is not a woman at all?_

"If you give somebody the fault for something terrible that happened, how would you punish them?" he asked quietly. It might have been out of line, but he needed to know what somebody like Mari would do, to see an alternative.

Hoseok's mom stared at him for a few moments, before stuffing another praline into her mouth and chewing funnily. The dark eyes remained round and attentive before she finally replied. "Giving somebody the fault for something terrible… First, I would need to know if they are really at fault, objectively involved in what led to the specific outcome and if they really are then it's not my place to punish them. Either I will take legal action, or I will leave them be, because honestly speaking, most of the time, people punish themselves all too well without the involvement of others."

_But it's not a situation for legal action._

"Let's assume that you are convinced that the person did something bad, but it's nothing that could be prosecuted legally. It's just- something that pains both you and them. What would you do?"

"It hurts me? Then I need to talk to that person. I think the most important thing one needs to understand is whether the pain comes from an objectively devastating action, or if it has to do with my own expectations. If my expectations were not met, I will talk about it, but I also need to understand that having those expectations is not some kind of rule. It's me. Who am I to punish somebody for that? I can make decisions to stay away or minimize the interaction, but punishment… I don't think it's right." Suddenly, Mari leaned back and glanced at him, one mouth corner lifting briefly. "Are your parents trying to punish you for something?"

Hyungwon stayed silent, not daring to say anything while being painfully aware of the fact that Mari's conclusions were different, so different that she instantly knew what was happening without him saying it.

_It's not you, but why does it still hurt so much?_

His fingers tightened around his cup and he nodded, feeling like crying because his parents wanted to punish him for something that hurt him at least as much as it hurt them. His lips trembled and he hated that he couldn't have nice and cheerful conversation with Hoseok's mother, not even once.

"Aren't you a little too grown up for unreasonable educational methods? Is it because you are trying to let them accommodate to the decisions you make for yourself? I really need you to know, that no matter what they say, you are not them and even though they might have difficulties understanding you now, please don't stop trying. They will eventually understand when they see that happiness is not unidirectional." Mari reached for his hands and curled her cold fingers around his wrist.

"But do I have to keep trying to make them understand or keep fighting? I'm not sure anymore, not with the way they deal with what I tell them." The cold sensation reminded him of Hoseok for a moment and he smiled briefly, missing the other man's arms around him and warm breaths against his ear. "You should also wear gloves to keep warm. I gave mine to Hoseok and the same type might serve you well too."

_Are you supposed to explain why it hurts you not to go to the funeral or are you meant to go anyway? What it is?_

"Don't give up. Parents can be extremely stubborn because they think they know better even though they don't. I just think that you won't be happy abandoning them and not keeping in contact, so you should fight to make them understand." Squeezing his hands briefly, Mari looked up, gaze wandering towards the door where they heard Hoseok and Jeezy before the brown hair, covered by a few snowflakes appeared in his sight.

Hyungwon didn't know what his expression looked like when his eyes finally fell on Hoseok's round face and the rosy color that the cold had brought to it. For a brief moment he wondered if the brain was able to change his perception so much, that he was the only one who saw Hoseok that way, like the source of his happiness and the only reason he was able to smile genuinely.

"Hoseok," he muttered and couldn't help the way his lips spread as soon as black eyes settled on him. "You cannot imagine how glad I am to see you. I missed you."

Only belatedly he remembered to be ashamed for how obvious his affection was.

Mari chuckled and called the dog, removing the leash and collar and turning away as the Labrador tried to get rid of the water covering his fur. Hoseok smiled too and didn't bother taking off his shoes, simply walking over to him and placing a kiss on his lips. "I missed you too," he said and stroked over his cheek with his freezing cold hands.

"Why aren't you wearing gloves?" Hyungwon mumbled, feeling somehow ashamed because Hoseok had kissed him right there, in front of his mom. He reached out to cover the other man's hands with his own and hoped that they were going to warm up. "You're- you're getting the floors wet too."

"Yeah tell me about it," Mari commented and giggled. "He must not be in his right mind as soon as you're around." Hoseok's mom took his boyfriend by his hood and pulled him towards the hallway.

"Are you okay?" Hoseok muttered, forced to take off his shoes and jacket before returning to his previous spot, removing some of the dirty water with his socks.

Hyungwon couldn't help a chuckle even though the question reminded him that he didn't really have a reason to be cheerful, none apart from finally seeing Hoseok again.

"I'm better, now that you are here," he whispered until he realized it could be interpreted the wrong way. "I already felt better after talking to Mari, but now- I can't explain it."

"Should we go to my room?" Hoseok wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pulled, expression worried.

Hyungwon nodded, preferring to talk about his problem in private. Mari was busy with Jeezy who tried to push her towards his bowl and Hoseok didn't say anything as he pulled him down the hall, attaching his lips to his mouth as soon as they were alone.

He gasped in response, not expecting the sudden contact, but simply wrapped his arms around the other man's neck and tilted his head to ease the kiss. The touch reduced some of the anxiety that had been hiding in the background while he was unable to decide what to do, whether to act against his parents or to try to make them understand.

"They don't want me to go," he breathed out and kissed Hoseok's cheeks and lips once more, desperate to be close. "Like I'm a monster."

"What do you mean they don't want you to go?" Hoseok leaned back and stared at him, hands carefully caressing his waist through the fabric of his shirt, waiting for his response.

"They don't want me to go to the funeral, to stay away and-" The mere thought was sufficient to make him feel like crying and Hyungwon hated it so much, as if he couldn't say a single sentence without feeling helpless. "And to show remorse that way."

"Fuck them," his boyfriend hissed, eyebrows furrowed and making him look dangerous. "Who the fuck do they think they are to tell you to show remorse?"

"My parents," Hyungwon replied and closed his eyes, realizing once again how much he depended on the help of his family. He cared about them and he couldn't bear his mother crying the way she did, but at the same time he knew that it was wrong, that they were purposefully hurting him with this while thinking it was the right thing to do. "They accepted that I don't want to be with Sarah, but they don't want me to go there. They must still believe that I am guilty for changing my mind. I don't even know what to say to that anymore."

_Can you even say anything that would change their mind?_

"My mom would say they're cruel out of foolishness, but to me they're just cruel. No way they're going to force you to stay away. When is it? You're going. With me." Hoseok chewed on his lips, making the change from anger to nervousness visible.

_Is he acting against his own will?_

"Sunday," he whispered, but the expression on Hoseok's face worried him. Reaching out to cup the other man's chin, he tilted it upwards to have their eyes meet, wondering if Hoseok was doing something he didn't want to. "But you don't have to go with me. I- I want to go, but you look uncomfortable. I don't want to be the reason for that."

Shaking his head, Hoseok took his hand into his cold one, fingers stroking over his skin gently. "No, it's not about you. I'm just scared of funerals, but I will go with you! It's just my brain playing around with uncomfortable memories. Of course I will go with you! I even have a black suit."

_He probably remembers his own losses._

Hyungwon pulled Hoseok closer and placed a kiss on the other man's head, wanting to be reassuring instead of the one who needed constant support.

_You keep forgetting how young he actually is._

"I don't think there is anybody who likes going to funerals, Hoseok," he murmured and stroked over the long brown strands. "Would you like to talk about it? I... understand if you don't."

"The funeral… Will it be a religious one?" the low voice asked as Hoseok's hands continued roaming over his sides and applying some pressure with his fingers.

He nodded, because it was going to take place in the church, again something that his parents must have requested because his grandpa had never cared much about religion.

"My parents were the ones to organize most of it, so it's taking place in the church two streets over." He swallowed and pulled Hoseok closer again, feeling sorry that the other man was doing this for him even though his eyes told a story of their own. "My grandfather was not religious, but still they will have it in a church."

_It's selfish, isn't it? Just like asking you to stay away._

"Well, then I guess I'll have to listen to the 'death is the cure' bullshit again. I think people are fucking scary sometimes. How can you think that death is a cure when life is what is full of perception whereas death is just an end? A nothing. It made me so angry back then, I threw my jacket at the dude and left, so yeah, it wasn't a very smooth funeral, but I'm older now, so I'll behave, I promise. In addition, it's not about me but about you." A brief smile spread Hoseok's curved lips as he pulled him towards the bed, sitting down and glancing up, delicate fingers still wrapped around his wrist, cold as ice cubes.

Hyungwon mirrored it, wondering how to explain why the church glorified death. Probably because they believe that the person is better off after death, going to a sacred place where they can be happier instead of earth which is filled with suffering.

"They- they try to make themselves feel better that way. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, because if you tell the one who is grieving that their loved one is in a better place, then somehow it hurts a little less. Like letting go of the person you love because that other place will make them happier than you are able to. I- I'm not sure if I believe in life after death, at least not the way the Bible speaks of it. To me it rather seemed like a way to return into the material of the earth, atoms and small bits that get rearranged into something new again." Blinking a few times, he realized how long he had been talking. "Sorry for boring you with my thoughts on the afterlife."

"My grandpa was killed by a car, Hyungwon. By a dude who was driving drunk. It didn't hurt less when that church asshole told me that it's better that way. Bullshit." The pale face disappeared from his sight as Hoseok threw himself on the sheets, staring at the ceiling instead of him. "It was so long ago, and it still makes me fucking angry. I'm not only angry because of the way they marginalized my pain and loss, but also how they assume that the drunk asshole did what God wanted. No consequences, no thoughts, just ignorance and inability to question problematic parts of religious practice."

"The man was never caught?" Hyungwon asked until he realized how insensitive that was. He climbed on top of the bed and lay down next to the other man before pulling him into his arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry that happened and that the church tried to make you feel like it's okay. People like my parents they… believe that evil gets punished, so they don't do anything to prosecute people because they think God will do it for them."

"I don't understand how you can live as if everything is decided. What's the point?" Hoseok whispered, immediately curling around him, muscular arms pulling him flush against the warm chest. "But I'll come with you, Hyungwon."

_He doesn't even know how much this means to you._

"Thank you," he whispered and kissed the top of Hoseok's head. "Thank you for being there when I need you. I'll be there for you too, I promise. If it gets too much you'll have to grab me by the hand and take me away, just like you told me about during lessons."

Hyungwon smiled because the image seemed so sweet, Hoseok with his curved lips who grabs him and takes him away from all the pretense.

At first he thought it was too good to be true, but then again he had thought the same about being with Hoseok, having him as his boyfriend and kissing whenever he wished to do so.

"You'd actually do that, wouldn't you?" he asked with a chuckle and kissed Hoseok's lips briefly, glad that they were as warm as his own. "You're crazy."

The other man shifted in his arms and mumbled his reply against his neck. "I would definitely do that. But not before I told everybody what kind of shit people they are for making others miserable while preaching about kindness and love. I will kiss you in front of all those people so they can choke on their hypocrisy."

Hyungwon hummed, not commenting because there wasn't anything he could contribute to the image. Hoseok would be the proactive one, showing how much all of it meant to him while he would stand there frozen, too shocked about what was happening and a little outraged himself. Who knows, maybe a small part of his brain would even expect his heart to stop for defiling the church like that, even though humans were the ones who created it.

_Isn't it enough yet? Can't you let yourself be happy for once?_

"I want to be the one to kiss you," he whispered and let his eyes flutter shut. "I'm so sick and tired of being a coward, Hoseok."

***

_Funny how you never drive because you’re drinking all the time._

He stopped in front of Hyungwon’s dorm and left his dad’s fancy car to have a smoke to calm his nerves. He hated everything, starting with the stupid car, the prospect of listening to church bullshit and having terrible flashbacks to his grandfather's death.

_Don’t forget his parents who are worse than any enemy._

Inhaling the bitter smoke, he chuckled, wondering whether Hyungwon expected him to come in a Tesla. His suit was perfect and he could’ve been mistaken for a businessman, if he didn’t have an undercut and wasn't leaning on an expensive vehicle, smoking cheap cigarettes.

_Do you care?_

He didn’t, but he cared about Hyungwon. A lot. So much that he didn’t think for a second before offering to go with him to his grandfather's funeral even though there was more than one thing that made him uncomfortable about it.

_If you are uncomfortable, how bad must it be for him? If his own parents act like the worst assholes towards him._

He exhaled and walked a few meters to the trash bin, discarding the cigarette there and turning around just in time to see Hyungwon coming out of the building. The tall man was dressed accordingly, all in black. Even his coat was black and he wrapped it around his slim body because it was fucking cold outside. Hoseok had his own coat in the trunk and his nervousness made him lose awareness of the temperature outside.

At first Hyungwon didn't see him, glancing around and probably expecting him to come on foot, but once he spotted him leaning against the car, the tall man hurried over.

"I hope you didn't steal that," his boyfriend muttered and the comment was so much unlike him that Hoseok didn't even need to ask whether he was nervous. "You smell a little more like smoke than berries today."

“I just had a smoke, but I’m going to try my best to overshadow it with chewing gum,” he muttered and gestured for Hyungwon to sit in the passenger seat. “It’s my dad’s car. I almost never drive because I drink when I go out.”

"I hope you know your limits then," Hyungwon murmured and walked around the car before climbing in. "I don't think anybody will mind you smoking, at least outside of church. Half my family on my mother's side smokes and they don't really care about regulations or what that says about their health. I never thought about it before, but I hope you don't overdo it, both smoking and drinking. I care about you."

A big palm landed on his thigh and squeezed briefly while Hyungwon sat there like somebody had impaled him on a stick to make sure he remained motionless.

"What an understatement, I can't be without you," Hyungwon added suddenly and pushed himself deeper into the seat, face almost as white as chalk.

He started the engine and pulled out before driving around the block, following the quiet voice that told him where to turn next. “I smoke and drink way less when I’m with you. I guess you substitute my addictions.” He smiled, placing his palm on top of Hyungwon’s. “Are you scared?”

"Only of the worst-case scenarios in my head, like my parents forcing me to leave or proclaiming that it's my fault in front of all those people. I know that would harm them and there's no reason to act that way, but my imagination is creative." Hyungwon had his eyes closed, but he opened them and turned before speaking his next words. "I'm glad that there is at least one good thing I'm able to give you. I don't think being called temptation, sin or whatever it is I said before made you feel particularly good. You're constantly helping me and I end up sobbing in your arms. I wish there was something I could do for you too, anything."

“You can be absolutely sure that I will tell your parents or whoever dares to make you feel miserable everything I think about them and their fucking hypocrisy, so don’t worry. They will be the ones leaving, if anyone leaves at all,” he hissed and turned around the corner, looking for the parking area next to the church. “You are battling everything around yourself. I had a talk with mom and she said that it is so much harder to go against everything one knows and is familiar with for something one doesn’t know. You are doing so much to be with me, even though you don’t know how it will turn out. You don’t really know… me, I guess, but you still do all those things while I’m doing exactly what I've always been doing. Apart from maybe being in love, but that’s not really some conscious behavioral choice, is it?”

"Your mother is a wonderful person," Hyungwon commented instead of remarking on everything else and let his fingers travel along his thigh, upwards before slipping down to his knees. The action didn't seem to be conscious and felt like it accompanied the other man’s words. "Sometimes it feels a little bit like sitting in your room, at home, and feeling at ease until you realize that the door you never bothered to open, is actually not a door but a bunch of metal you cannot go through even if you want to. It was your mother that told me that a prison can seem like a sanctuary to some. I think it was the same with me. I thought it was a safe place to be with everything decided, but it turns out that the only safe place is you."

“The safe place is you because you are able to tear down your own metal bars. Nobody else can do that for you.” He smiled to himself, too focused on parking the gigantic car without creating any trouble. After turning off the electric engine, he unbuckled and turned towards Hyungwon, holding onto the seat and leaned in to kiss the beautiful plump lips.

Those brown eyes widened instantly and Hyungwon’s hands grabbed his shoulders, probably to push him away, but hesitated in the end. A few seconds passed until the other man leaned back, breathing heavily and looking so afraid, lips trembling.

"What if somebody saw?" his boyfriend whispered while staring at his lap. "They might make our lives hell."

_Wow._

He hummed and leaned back. “Isn’t it already hell?” he asked before leaving the car and getting his coat from the trunk. It was cold.

Hyungwon didn't say anything, but the expression on his face was enough of a confirmation.

A bunch of elderly people were leaving their cars and offering condolences to each other, some obviously more affected than others. Almost all the people were older than them and the way none of these people paid any attention to them, suggested that Hyungwon didn't know them either.

"A funeral is often combined with a church service, so not all people are affected," his boyfriend whispered and reached out to grab his sleeve, holding onto it even though he had wanted distance between them before. "It's… it's not hell when you are next to me."

_It is because he didn’t want you to kiss him, scared that somebody would see._

He didn't have a chance to reply as an elderly woman in a suit hurried over to them, very much unlike the long elegant black dresses that everybody else wore. Not bothering to say anything, the woman wrapped her arms around Hyungwon and as Hoseok was right next to him, she simply hugged him as well, touch warm and tight.

"I'm so sorry, grandma," Hyungwon whispered suddenly and Hoseok hated how guilty his boyfriend sounded even though it had nothing to do with him.

"What are you even sorry for?" Hyungwon's grandma leaned back before squeezing both of them one more time and wiping over her eyes briefly. She had a nice smile, even if it didn't fit the current circumstances. "The only thing you should be sorry for is for visiting so little. Who is this lovely young man?"

“Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Hoseok. What’s your name?” he asked, because there was nothing more weird than addressing somebody by their societal role or place in the family tree. Like- how weird was that?

_Like Hyungwon’s mom because she didn’t want to tell you her name._

"Ah, you're of course right, where are my manners? I don't like my first name, so most people just call me Rose, I hope that is fine with you too. You have a very lovely smile, Hoseok, I'm sorry that it faded as soon as you left the car." Rose stroked over Hyungwon's hair who looked very pale suddenly and gestured for them to walk up the rest of the hill towards the church. "I hate that building, but of course nobody listens to an old woman around here."

"Did mom ask for it?" Hyungwon asked which was followed by a shrug and a nod from his grandma. His boyfriend still looked pale, but the more time passed the less extreme it became.

"Your mother tends to forget what an opinion is. I guess that comes from being next to somebody who constantly preaches his."

_So not the whole family is fanatic, huh?_

“I’m very sorry for your loss, Rose,” he commented, briefly brushing over Hyungwon’s hand as they walked next to each other. “I’m also sorry that among all this you have to drag yourself up a hill to a building that you don’t like.”

"Thank you, Hoseok. From your lips it sounds very genuine, I appreciate that." Rose smiled at him and stroked over Hyungwon's hair again, looking a little sad. "I'm also glad that you drove my grandson here after I was told that he wasn't feeling well and couldn't come."

_Those assholes._

"That-" Hyungwon hesitated to say more, probably contemplating whether he wanted to tell the truth and call out his parents or lie to the only reasonable person in his family that Hoseok had met until now. "They… they didn't want me to come."

"And why is that?" There was obvious shock and a hint of hurt on Rose' face as she stopped halfway to the church entrance and didn't pay attention to a couple that nodded at her to show their condolences.

Hoseok didn't consider himself a part of the question until he suddenly felt Hyungwon's fingers around his arm, holding on tightly as if the other man needed the touch, no matter where they were.

"It's- complicated."

"Oh, for heaven's sake." Rose looked furious but merely pressed her lips together the way Hyungwon's mother had and continued their way towards the church. It was relatively full with only a few spots in the first two rows, probably for the family.

"Can I take Hoseok along?" Hyungwon asked softly, still holding onto his sleeve. There had been no need to be careful and ask as Rose had already pulled them along towards the second row, sitting down right behind Hyungwon's parents. Of course, they turned to talk, only to freeze as soon as their eyes fell on Hyungwon. Hyungwon and him.

He really felt like cursing and calling them out but inhaled deeply instead and smiled in a mixture of disgust and disappointment that they must have recognized. Next, he turned to Hyungwon and placed a hand on his thigh and squeezed it briefly without making it seem inappropriate.

Not even a second passed until a hot hand covered his and Hyungwon chewed on his cheek. The other man's parents didn't say anything, only looking at both of them for a few moments until Hyungwon's father caught himself and thanked him for coming. It was the first time that all the effort to be nice didn't look genuine, even if the man tried.

Not long after, the service started and Hoseok realized that Hyungwon's grandma had done the same thing they did, come at the last moment. People sang songs, partially in Latin and Hyungwon mouthed all the words next to him without even bothering to look inside the singing book that everybody was holding. More often than not, the warm palm jerked on top of his own, as if his boyfriend 's thoughts were scarier than whatever happened around them.

The organist was okay, even if he seemed to forget himself and play ridiculously long intros. All the people present stayed painfully quiet and when the pastor began to talk about the passing of another human who was dear to many, Hoseok could see tears rolling down Hyungwon's cheeks without a sound.

_That’s the part that’s real. His tears are real and his fears are real, even if you think that they are ridiculous at times._

Unlike the way he remembered it, the pastor didn't speak for long, only reading out a few passages from the bible he considered appropriate until he announced that Rose had requested to say a few words herself. Hyungwon's grandma held herself well as she stood up and made her way to the front, only the redness around her eyes suggested that she had cried.

"Since what I am about to say is very personal, everybody who does not wish to hear it and came for a simple service may leave," she began and took a deep breath. "Most of you know what it is like to lose somebody, but I do not want to calm myself with the thought that he's better off now because I know that the place he was the happiest was next to me."

Hyungwon's fingers slipped in between his own, holding on tightly like it suddenly didn't matter where they were or what other people might think if they saw. The two of them were sitting right behind Hyungwon's parents, but the man next to him was letting his pain show and silently asked him to share it by being close and resting his head on top of his shoulder, drops soaking into his suit.

Rose didn't talk about heaven or being better off above. She also didn't talk about the great deeds that her husband had done for the church or the community. She simply talked about what he meant to her, the way he was a support to her throughout the many years that they lived together and that even when her daughter found a different path, being with the person she loved was what gave her strength. She talked about the good times and the bad times, how thankful she was that her husband had been able to share one of his passions with their grandson, even if not with her. Letting go was something that she had to learn many times and now is unfortunately the time that hurt the most.

When the speech finished and Rose silently returned to her spot next to them, Hyungwon had his arms wrapped around his neck and didn't produce a single sound. Only the warm tears that seeped through his shirt and the way the other man's shoulders shook revealed that he was crying.

He felt devastated and sorry, thinking about the time he could have spent with his own grandfather and emphasizing with the emptiness that Hyungwon must be feeling and that was now forcing tears into the eyes of the person he loved.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and reached for the soft hair, stroking over it gently, before glancing at Rose and nodding at her, somehow sure that she would understand what he meant without having to explain it.

A smile appeared on the older woman's face as she nodded back and closed her eyes for a few moments, visibly composing herself as everybody returned to singing. Hyungwon kept holding onto him and only when Rose stood up to accept the urn, the other man let go and tried to compose himself.

People began leaving after offering their condolences and Hyungwon's mother was crying too, holding onto her husband who remained silent and calm. The situation must have been too devastating to react to his boyfriend coming against their will or to the fact that they were much closer than appropriate for a friendship.

When most of the people had left, Rose placed a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

"May I ask you for a favor, Hoseok?"

"Sure," he nodded and smiled. Rose looked how he imagined his mom to look when she got older, taking care of herself and knowing exactly what she wanted.

"Since you came by car, maybe you and Hyungwon could drive me to the forest at the edge of the city. I think it's the perfect place to leave the ashes and be alone for a bit. If it's okay with you." Rose smiled back despite sad eyes and stroked over Hyungwon's hair once. It seemed to be a gesture from back when the other man was younger but now she had to reach up each time. "I also understand if the two of you want to recover on your own. You have my blessings even though I'm not a divine being. But I do think that I have more impact."

_Wait…_

He swallowed and nodded, unsure of what just happened. He had expected many things from that funeral, but not to be blessed by Hyungwon's relative. "Just tell me where you want to go and I will drive you there. And thank you for… your blessings, I guess. I do think that humans have a lot of impact if they are proactive and aware, so I'm happy that Hyungwon has somebody like that among his family members."

"What lovely compliments," Rose replied and winked at him before taking a deep breath and hugging the urn to her chest. Hyungwon stood up too, although he was a little more shaky, obviously still collecting his thoughts. "Maybe you can tell him to come by more often then, even if his stubborn mother doesn't think it's necessary. I like you more than the previous candidate. There's more happening up here." Hyungwon's grandma gestured towards her temples and made her way out of the church, only stopping for family members and her own daughter that she embraced tightly before saying goodbye. Out of the corner of his eye, Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon's father wanted to talk to them, visibly contemplating what to say, but they were gone faster than he made a decision.

Hyungwon remained quiet all the way until they reached the car and he offered the spot at the front to Rose which she instantly declined with the argument she preferred to have a whole bench to herself.

It felt somehow strange to be in the car with Hyungwon and Rose, but not because it was Rose, but because she was Hyungwon's grandma and it gave the situation more weight, making him contemplate how to act around both of them.

_But she seems like a cool person, so maybe it's okay._

As soon as he settled in the driver's seat and put the address into the navigation system, his eyes went to Hyungwon, who was playing with his hands and chewing on his cheek. He didn't seem as devastated as in the church, but the nervous behavior from their drive there seemed to have returned.

"I don't know why they decided that you shouldn't be there, Hyungwon, but I hope you know that you were the person I wanted to be there the most."

Rose spoke the words out of the blue while looking out the window and still holding onto the urn. Hoseok couldn't understand how Hyungwon had never mentioned her, not even once, even though the way his grandma viewed the world was so different from his parents.

"They decided it would be a punishment for something I did," his boyfriend whispered and leaned back, body shaking a little as if it was difficult to say the words.

"Your grandfather would have thrown them both out of the house for even suggesting that. Wouldn't be the first time." Rose sighed before reaching out and squeezing Hyungwon's shoulder. "I can imagine what that something is that they blamed you for, but as long as you think you're doing the right thing, nothing else matters, does it? Hoseok over here seems very lovable and not many would be willing to go to a Catholic funeral they aren't meant to attend. He's a catch and even knows how to sneak a little bit of mischief under an elegant suit."

His boyfriend's eyes widened and he turned towards him, as if looking for a reaction that told him how to act.

"Thank you for saying that, I think Hyungwon is more lovable. I wish his parents would remember how they felt when he was born because that feeling should be still there somewhere, instead of pushing unrealistic expectations." He sighed and placed one hand on Hyungwon's thigh as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove past the church and Hyungwon's parents who stared as he passed them by.

"You don't sound like somebody in his teens," Rose remarked and chuckled. "Your parents must have told you about what that feels like. Unfortunately, many people tend to forget or get distracted by all that effort they invested into raising somebody."

Hyungwon shifted next to him and carefully placed his palm on top of his, intertwining their fingers so slowly that one might have thought he expected repercussions.

"I'm sorry for staying away, grandma," his boyfriend murmured finally and glanced to the back while Hoseok focused on the road. It was difficult to tell if staying away had been a choice or one of those things Hyungwon thought he had to do, much like everything else that brought him misery.

Once they left the main roads and drove past a few smaller farms and forest roads, Rose asked him to stop.

"I will get out here. The two of you can go back and I will take care of myself from here on." Smiling, the woman climbed out of the car as soon as he stopped and walked around to Hyungwon's door, waiting for him to roll down the window. "Just keep in mind that no matter what happens, you're always welcome in my home. Will you promise me that, Hyungwon?"

Instead of replying, his boyfriend nodded slowly, still overwhelmed from whatever was happening.

"And you better prepare for what it means to share his affection with math, Hoseok." Grinning at both of them, Rose tightened her grip around the urn and turned around, making her way along a small forest path.

The grip on his fingers got tight enough to be slightly unpleasant as Hyungwon turned and stared at him, eyes wide and lips slightly parted like he was looking for the words to say but hadn't found them yet.

"Could you kiss me?" the low voice whispered eventually. "I'm scared that I'm dreaming again."

He reached for the handsome face, cupping the soft cheeks and leaned in. It felt like he was melting into the overwhelming warmth of Hyungwon's lips and his eyes fluttered shut from how good the simple touch made him feel.

Instead of basking in the brief kiss, Hyungwon shifted and unbuckled his seatbelt, attempting to move closer as his elbow accidentally pressed down on the wheel and forced both of them to jerk from the loud honking. A few birds left the surrounding trees from the noise.

"Thank god it's not a dream," Hyungwon whispered and tried to climb on top of his lap as his lean arms wrapped around his neck and tilted his head back for another kiss. Hoseok searched for the reclining button and moved the seat back as far as possible, giving Hyungwon more space for his legs. After checking the parking position once, he wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's waist, stroked over his sides, shoulders, lower back accompanied by intimate and deep kisses that turned desperate the more time passed.

"This makes no sense," his boyfriend muttered against his lips, but didn't bother putting space between them. Thighs narrowed around his own and Hyungwon pushed himself flush against his chest while tracing the form of his lips with his tongue. "How can she be okay with it? I must have misunderstood something."

"Oh I'm pretty sure she saw me kissing you in the car, so she must be okay with it, like a normal person should. This is not some kind of weirdness, Hyungwon. Your parents are weird for thinking that forcing their gay son to marry a woman is okay." He shook his head and pulled at Hyungwon's hair to nibble on his neck and hear some of the gorgeous sounds he knew he could make. He was instantly blessed with a soft moan and Hyungwon's attempt to make him continue by pushing against his head.

"But- my parents always said that they didn't get along with my grandparents because they didn't like my father. They always said it was because he gave up his previous job to save people and why would anybody hate him for that? It didn't make sense." Slipping forward on his lap, his boyfriend gasped when his groin brushed his stomach. "I thought my grandpa threw them out because of that, but now I'm not so sure anymore. Nothing makes sense, Hoseok. I'm so afraid to be hopeful."

"I don't know what they did but they were fucking overstepping telling you to not come to his funeral if it's not their business. You are not them and you don't have to live like them, that's the most important thing. I really like my parents but I probably won't live like them. First of all because I like men, and second because I think kids are weird. I am not them, no matter how awesome or nice they are, I am myself and I make my own decisions because I know best what's best for me. You are best for me, so why would they tell you to marry some woman if you like me too? You know how stupid that sounds?" Again, he nibbled at Hyungwon's jugular vein before sinking his teeth into the transition from his neck to his shoulder, body easily reacting to the sounds.

"You are best for me too," Hyungwon moaned into his face and tugged at his hair right when the sounds were starting to reach the levels Hoseok remembered so well. "I don't want to marry anybody, I'll just be with you. At this point I don't even care if I have to be poor and look for a job, I'll just- teach kids math for tuition. I don't know. I can't keep pushing you away just because somebody might see. I felt so sick afterwards, Hoseok, as if I am publicly betraying you. I don't want to be like that. I want to show everybody how much I love you because you are wonderful. I want to kiss against that lamp post without a second thought like back then. What do I have to do to make it possible?"

"Think about the possible consequences and decide whether it's worth it," he replied, catching the exhales from Hyungwon's thick lips and hoping that the discomfort from the memory of Hyungwon's shocked face would pass. "That felt like a stab to be honest. As if the opinion of people I don't know and you don't know are more important than what you feel towards me."

"They're not," Hyungwon breathed out and shook his head quickly. "They're not at all. I don't know what got into me, why I even considered resisting the kiss. My mind just played all these scenarios of my parents' shocked faces. It mattered because I know that I'm dependent on them, I can't live on my own without financial support. What my grandma said today- it sounded so much like an alternative, like a place I could go to if everything turns to shit and I still don't dare to believe in it. But I want to so badly. I want to have you kiss me whenever you like, inhaling the same air just like when you taught me how to breathe."

The confessions sounded so romantic and emotional, contrary to the admission that Hyungwon was dependent on his parents a lot.

_You are too._

He was, but he had never felt threatened that his dependence might put him in a situation of discomfort. It was more like being dependent felt okay because that's what felt best for all of them at the moment.

"Well, I put all the money away that I saved because you gave me math lessons for free, it's a bit, not a lot, but I wanted to buy you a bed." He grinned and leaned in for another kiss. The wish to always be able to kiss was mutual. It made him feel warm, no matter how cold it was.

"You- but-" Hyungwon stuttered until he simply gave up and kissed him instead, licking into his mouth and shifting on top of him to get more comfortable if that was possible with their current position. One of Hyungwon's feet brushed over the cupholders and he cursed briefly before simply rolling his hips forward as if making out in a car in the middle of nowhere wasn't all that unusual for him. "Is it… selfishly motivated? Making sure I have a bed that doesn't make noise when- when you visit?"

"Foolish of you to assume that I care about the noise when I would take you anywhere with any kind of background noise. I thought you needed a bed that doesn't screech to sleep properly. And you can always stay over. Like really, whenever you want. I love sleeping next to you, you let me live out my sleeping habits to the fullest." Grinning, he slipped both hands under Hyungwon's shirt and caressed his burning skin, hissing quietly at how good it felt to be close, how desperate he was to touch. No matter how much he loved Hyungwon, he was still nineteen and had a libido that was hard to satisfy.

"That's because I love having you around me so much," Hyungwon answered and moaned softly from the sensation of hands on his skin, lips parting along with blush that covered his round cheeks. "And- not only… around me. Does wanting to be close to you despite wearing a funeral suit make me a sinner, Hoseok?"

"A sinner is the most stupid concept of all times. You can call me a sinner, because I will do what I want and consider right, deliberately and independent of what anybody tells me to do. How does it feel to be touched by a sinner, to moan for a sinner, to want a sinner?" Hoseok licked over his lips, slowly letting his fingers travel towards Hyungwon's small nipples and rubbing his fingertips over them as he spoke. "Call me a sinner, baby, that's alright with me."

Those plump lips were still parted as a moan left them and air brushed over his lips, showing him so well what the answer to his question was. Hyungwon's thighs flexed and long fingers tugged at his hair as he leaned closer, inhaling sharply through his nose.

"It feels too good to lie," the low voice answered him as lips traced his jaw. "Touch me."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 14

It was freezing cold outside and had Hyungwon not known the park close to his house by heart, he might have gotten lost among the thick layer of snow and trees that all looked the same. It was Monday evening, not really a day that Hyungwon hung out in the neighborhood he grew up in unless he visited Hoseok, but he couldn't bear waiting much longer.

_It would be cowardly of you to wait any longer._

The sky was already dark, but the snow reflected the little bit of light that was there and made it easy to see his footsteps in the snow and the fact that no others had joined them yet.

_You don't even know if he saw your message._

Hyungwon sighed and wondered when he had become so reckless. Instead of thinking about this and deciding calmly what he was going to do next, he had simply written Hoseok a message to come to the gigantic tree in the park without explaining why.

_You're really crazy, aren't you? Prepared to break apart everything you grew up to know._

He should have been scared, but somehow Hyungwon just wanted it to be over, for the constant feeling of dread that he now felt whenever he was about to see his family to end.

_You're afraid of them finding out and how they will react, so you have to tell them and deal with it._

His hands shook from the cold and the image of his parents abandoning him like a stray animal that disappointed them. Hyungwon's gloves were still with Hoseok, so he wasn't wearing any, but he didn't even miss them, not when his thoughts were much colder than the weather could ever be.

_What will you do if he doesn't come? There are so many trees in this park, what were you even thinking?_

He probably wasn't, too desperate to get this over with to think it through. If his parents decided that he wasn't worth their time, then-

The thought hurt and he squeezed his eyes shut to compose himself. It seemed easier to think about being independent than to grasp what rejection really meant.

_Can you even do it if he doesn't come?_

"Look how much snow there is!" the familiar low voice exclaimed, followed by a gorgeous laugh and his boyfriend's face that was covered by pink blush. To his surprise, Hoseok wasn't wearing a hat, moist hair hanging into his eyes a bit and jacket open, revealing a simple white shirt. "I read your message when I just came out of the shower, so I ran," Hoseok said and smiled, stopping right across from him.

_He's brighter than the snow, even if a little reckless._

"You're crazy," Hyungwon whispered, but couldn't help the warmth and relief that instantly filled out his chest. His hands were quick to pull Hoseok closer by the collar of his jacket and began to zip it up properly. His boyfriend wasn't even wearing a decent scarf and his hair had turned into icicles. "Why would you run here? I would have waited, especially if that means you aren't going to die of pneumonia."

"You are crazy because there are about fifty trees around here, you're lucky that this one is Jeezy's favorite to pee on, that's why I knew which location you meant." Again, Hoseok smiled cupping his face with his ice-cold hands and kissing his lips briefly. "Did you miss me? You could've come, why bother? Or is this supposed to be romantic? Then I'm sorry, I'm really bad at this."

Hyungwon chuckled because Hoseok was somehow hilarious. Maybe it was also his anxiety coming through and making him a bit hysterical about every little thing.

"I definitely missed you and I wasn't really thinking this through, neither the tree nor the meeting location. I wanted to make sure you didn't try to dress up just because I’d like you to visit my parents with me." He inhaled sharply and tugged at the collar of Hoseok's t-shirt once. "Looks like it worked."

_You want him to be himself in front of them too, authentic. Just the way it is for once._

"We're going to your parents? Do I have to ask for your hand or something? No, right? Why would I ask them?" Hoseok shook his head and focused his gaze on his face, observing his eyes and how his lips moved. "But you'll tell me why we're going, right?"

Hyungwon had prepared that part, aware that Hoseok couldn't just come along being oblivious when he was planning to drop a gigantic truth bomb on his parents' head. It was important to have Hoseok's support and that wouldn't work if his boyfriend was as clueless as his parents. He had indeed prepared it and planned on sharing why he was rushing all of it, but Hoseok's comment had caught him off guard, enough to forget what he had wanted to say.

"My- my hand?" he stuttered and couldn't wrap his head around Hoseok meaning the only way people ever used that expression. "As in- ask for my hand in marriage?"

"Yeah, but why would I ask them, right? It's not their hand." Grinning brightly, Hoseok took his palm and lifted it to his lips, kissing his fingers with his warm lips. "So, why are we going?"

_Does he really mean it?_

Hyungwon blushed while hoping it looked like the cold was at fault, a side effect of standing around in the snow and never bothering with a hat.

"No, it's not their hand," he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip. "We're going there to tell them that you are my boyfriend and I love you."

Hoseok's eyes widened as if the reason he mentioned was more shocking than asking for his hand in marriage. "Really? I guess they will be shocked, and you might get hurt by their unreasonable reaction, but I'll be next to you and I won't let them hurt you. I promise." Again, Hoseok took his hand and kissed it gently, rubbing it against his cold cheek.

_He seems to be even more aware of what might happen than you are._

"I'm sick of it. Sick of sitting in my dorm room and thinking about what will happen once they know. If I'm already this terrified of them finding out and torturing myself over it, then how is it different from them actually knowing? I want to be close to you and I'd rather die than hurt you like I did when I thought of pushing you away." Hyungwon sighed and pulled Hoseok into his arms, worried that his boyfriend might actually catch a cold if they didn't get going soon. "I want to go there and get it over with. I keep thinking of consequences and punishments, but none of those things were worse than being away from you. You make me happy and I hope they will understand. I know that- they might not, but I don't want to pretend. If I talk to them alone, then they won't believe me, pretending that I have simply lost my way and what not. I need them to see it, to understand that they can't change my mind."

"I'm glad that you want me to come with you because I do have a few things that I would like to tell them because I feel as if nobody ever did. Don't worry, it's nothing insulting, I talked to mom today and she showed me a pic of them when they stood next to my fancy incubator in the neonatal unit, and in the back was your dad. Mom said that he told her that I was a miracle and that they should be happy. That's what they did, be happy about it. Why can't he do the same about you? Anyways, I have my arguments ready and I can't watch you be miserable about this any longer. Let's go."

_He sounds so prepared, but does he know what awaits him?_

Hyungwon swallowed, hesitating briefly. He didn't know if it was because he didn't want to let go of the other man, or because he began to fear what was to come. Hoseok's confidence was always impressive, as if nothing could make his boyfriend doubt what he firmly believed in, especially not adults with arbitrary belief systems.

"Let's go," he murmured and listened to the snow crunching under his feet. He was still convinced that he had to address it, that he wanted his family to know about the way he felt and the person that mattered the most to him.

_You're worried that they might say something hurtful towards him, aren't you?_

Hyungwon knew the arguments already, the way his mother cried, and his father gave him the blame. But Hoseok hadn't seen it yet, didn't know how hurtful they could be, and they didn't see any problem with it.

"Whatever they tell you, please don't take it to heart, Hoseok."

"I only listen to you and you are the one who can hurt me the most," the low voice replied quietly and Hoseok took his hand into his own, intertwining their fingers as they walked down the street towards the house he grew up in.

_Which is why you're going to stop doing that from now on. Stop hurting him and stop being scared of things that haven't even happened yet._

Hyungwon used his key this time, not afraid to feel like part of the family and stroked over Bella's fur briefly before gesturing for Hoseok to come in.

Instead of his mother, it was his father who came to the hallway, probably surprised by a visit on Monday evening.

"Hyungwon, how come- oh, you brought Hoseok along. We’ve just finished dinner. Your mother didn't tell me that the two of you were planning on visiting," his dad remarked and looked lost for a few seconds until he caught himself as usual, smiling at both of them. "But we can offer you tea and cookies of course."

"Mom doesn't know either. It's a surprise visit," he pointed out and slipped out of his shoes before waiting for Hoseok to do the same. It was obvious that his boyfriend had hurried to leave the house with the way he was dressed, but Hyungwon liked it.

_Because it's not pretentious. He doesn't need to impress anybody._

His voice sounded so stable that even his father seemed confused, merely nodding briefly before asking for his mom to prepare some tea for him and his 'student'. His parents seemed rather hooked on thinking of Hoseok as his student even though they had seen them at the funeral together.

His boyfriend seemed utterly unimpressed as he hung up his jacket and joined him, smiling at him affectionately. "Do you need help with the tea?" Hoseok asked towards the kitchen, round eyes observing everything around them thoroughly, starting with his father, him and his posture and how his mother was trying to make tea in a hurry, visibly nervous because the visit was outside of the usual routine.

_Now they know what it feels like when they wait until everybody is in the living room to hear the bad news._

Hyungwon didn't consider his announcement bad news, but for his parents it probably would be. After all, he was telling them that two of the things they considered crucial weren't going to happen, at least not in the way they imagined them. For a second he got distracted by the memory of Hoseok talking about asking for his hand, but he swallowed that down for another time, a time when he didn't feel like fainting from adrenaline.

"Don't worry about it, Hoseok. I will be quick," his mother answered as she fumbled with four cups and his dad took his spot on the big chair. He seemed to know what was expected even though Hyungwon hadn't hinted at anything.

"Hoseok isn't my student anymore," was the first thing he said, an attempt to get rid of the first fallacy. "He stopped being my student after writing his exam."

His mother entered the living room with the teapot and cups and arranged everything before sitting down as well. The way she fumbled with her dress showed how nervous she was.

_Are they suddenly scared of you? Why are they acting so differently?_

It seemed strange, the opposite of the way he had felt on the day they told him he shouldn't go to the funeral.

_Are they scared of what you might do? Because you went against their will?_

Even his father seemed more uncomfortable than usual, leaving his teacup on the table and observing them instead of drinking. It was one of his father's techniques to seem knowledgeable and in control, sipping on a drink with a small smile on his lips.

"Is that why you came so suddenly? Of course we know that Hoseok is your friend. That's why you invited him to dinner before."

_They talk about him as if he's not there._

Hyungwon shifted on his spot on the couch, moving a little closer towards Hoseok who seemed to have done the same without needing an invitation.

_Why does everything have to be done with such uncomfortable announcements?_

"I invited him to dinner because- because he matters to me." His voice started to tremble, and he hated it, glancing at Hoseok for reassurance.

"Okay, but to be fair I invited myself for dinner because I wanted to see what your family is actually like." Hoseok smiled and reached for his face, brushing a stray lock behind his ear.

_You weren't prepared for this, were you?_

Hyungwon's lips parted and he didn't know what to say at first. There was no need to look closely to see the way his mom's eyes widened, similarly to the way his own did and his father furrowed his eyebrows, attempting to be in control of the situation as always.

"I see," was the brief comment as his father observed him and obviously waited for more information.

_Or he's uncomfortable too. Usually he's the one asking questions and making suggestions, but both of them are so silent._

Hyungwon let his right hand travel from the edge of the couch towards Hoseok's hand that was close by. It was as much skinship as he dared to show in order to calm himself and say what he had wanted to say in the first place.

"Hoseok is the person that I want to be with," he muttered, words barely audible and he hated how unsuited it was to the way he felt. Biting down on his bottom lip, he glanced up and tried again. "He's the one I'm in love with."

There were no dramatic gasps, no tea cups falling or lightning hitting the dining room table the way he had imagined. There was only an unpleasant silence and his mother's shoulders shaking as she cried silently.

"Is this a rebellion?" his father asked and sighed suddenly. "I understand if it is. You've been so unproblematic all this time that I can imagine it feels like you're being confined. But is this really the way you have to do it? You've never shown such behavior, Hyungwon, why now?"

_They really don't know you, do they?_

Hoseok's chuckle didn't fit to the sentiment at all as the delicate hand wrapped around his own tightly. "Would you also rebel against something by dating a man? Is that a thing? Or does it seem so unreal to you that you assume your son has lost his mind?"

"You seem much more talkative than the last time, I hope that is because you feel more at ease," his father replied instead of showing offense. Hyungwon knew that face well, it was the way his dad dealt with insults that came from people who didn't want to hear about his teachings and beliefs. "I wouldn't choose this as a way to rebel, but I also cannot tell if this is a game you boys are playing. I have never opposed other people's way of life and you are also somebody who can choose to live the way whichever way he wants to. I only hope that you decide to leave my son out of these games."

_Does he think that he forced you?_

Hyungwon felt outraged until he remembered that he had also wondered if Hoseok was temptation himself, a force that pulled him in to see how strong his will was. It sounded ridiculous now, but to his father it must have been reasonable. Hoseok was the nonbeliever who showed him godless things.

"I chose to be with him myself. He didn't manipulate me into this. You said yourself that love is pure and cannot be faked." Hyungwon gestured towards his father to emphasize his point, but the expression he received in return only made him want to stand up and leave again.

"But you cannot be calling this love, can you?"

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he couldn't believe that his father had so easily nullified his feelings by considering them undeserving of being called love.

_It's because Hoseok is a man, isn't it?_

"Then unfortunately you can't be calling this love either," Hoseok gestured between his father and him. "My mother told me that you were working in the hospital where I was born and told her that I was a miracle because they resuscitated me five times and to be happy that I was alive. That's some hypocrisy right there. Wasn't Hyungwon a miracle too? Why don't you just be happy that he's healthy and happy instead of trying to make him miserable? How can you call this love if you don't even care whether he is happy with his choices or not? You're unhappy? Well, that's not his fault. Reconsider your personal life choices and find some happiness and love." His boyfriend shifted closer as if to protect him, fingers holding onto his hand firmly.

It was silent again apart from his mother's quiet sobs as she covered her mouth and nose. Hyungwon could never bear to see her like that and chewed on his cheek to not apologize for something that wasn't even his fault. There wasn't even a real reason to cry. He wasn't going to leave or die. Was being in love with a person they struggled to accept really that bad?

_Do they believe that you will be punished, and they are scared?_

"Caring about somebody also means getting involved when they make the wrong decisions, Hoseok. A parent doesn't watch their child get hurt, but tries to intervene, which is exactly what I'm trying to do." A sigh followed, and his father's next words sounded like a lecture, the way he spoke to the youth groups he taught. "How can you be so sure that this is what he wants, Hoseok? Aren't you still a teen? How long have you known him to be able to tell what makes him happy and what doesn't? I understand that it must feel grand and like the right thing to both of you, but these things are just a fleeting curiosity and regret is so much worse than whatever it gives you now."

"How do you know if he's happy if all you did until now is to blame him for all the bad things that happened and tried to keep him away from anything that he might have considered enjoyable? I just know that I saw him cry more than once because of you, but all I see are smiles and eyes full of affection when he looks at me. It's easy, you just never tried. To be honest, I'm a little shaken at how self-confident you are in being completely intolerant and forcing your own values onto your son, but he still loves you, that's why he's here and that's why he wanted to tell you. You say you need to intervene if he makes the wrong choice? Who are you to know if its wrong? God? No? Then sit back and let him judge, if that's what you believe in." Hoseok never removed his gaze from his father's eyes, not even once, rapid inhales suggesting that the conversation wasn't calm at all.

Hyungwon didn't dare to say anything, no matter how uncomfortable the silence was and how suffocating the air became with each additional second that his father didn't reply. Only when he saw the way his father's hands curled around the armrests, he understood that his dad must have been at a loss.

_He's the one who taught you about it, so why can't he believe that you're able to recognize the feeling in yourself?_

"Remember when you told me that love is all forgiving and can never be wrong?" he asked quietly and waited until his father nodded. "Why are you so convinced that I wouldn't be able to recognize it? You're the one who taught me, who kept telling me how important it is and that it keeps people together and helps us do good. Why can't I do good and treasure it, only because it applies to a man? I don't understand."

Again, his father remained silent, eyes focused on the table between them and the three cups of tea that remained untouched. Hoseok had been the only one to take his.

"I think I might have to ask you to leave, Hoseok."

When the words were spoken, Hyungwon couldn't help the way his eyes widened. He couldn't believe that despite his attempts to explain, his father went as far as asking Hoseok to leave. The only person that Hyungwon wanted to have next to him.

"If you want him to leave, then I'm leaving too," he answered and tightened his grip on Hoseok's hand. "You don't understand that the only reason I'm here and telling you all this is because he gives me the courage to speak out and not cry as soon as I leave this house. I'm not a different person because of this, only happier. Is that so difficult to understand?"

Feeling his eyes burn, he leaned back against the couch and looked at the ceiling, taking a few deep breaths.

"Oh, I can leave, that's not a problem at all, it's your house and your right to say who you want to have around. But the amazing thing about truth is that it stays, even if the person who spoke it leaves. I'm not sure that me leaving will give you salvation. Because if you love your child, and you probably do if you're a parent, then the knowledge that you are making him unhappy and devastated will eat you from the inside. Please don't have a nice evening because you ignored your son's genuine attempt to share his happiness and explain his choice."

Instead of his father, it was his mother that shifted on her spot on the couch and took a shaky breath before speaking.

"I think we need to sleep over this. It's- a lot of news and I don't want to say anything I might not mean in the end. I think it's best if… we see each other another time." Fingers trembling, she reached out for her cup and took a sip. "Maybe the two of you can come back on the weekend and we talk again. When… all of us have thought about what this means."

_Maybe it's for the best._

Hyungwon didn't know how much was going to change over the week and whether his father was going to think differently or not, but he could understand the way his mother tried to end the discussion, to give him time to cool down.

_Does she think the same way? That it's not love because the person you love is of the same sex?_

It wasn't up to him to decide if they would come again, so he turned to Hoseok, overwhelmed by how calming it was to look at the other man's face. It reminded him that he was really not alone, even if he walked out of his parents' home and didn't know whether he was allowed to return.

"Sure. If Hyungwon wants to give it another try, I'm always ready." Smiling beautifully as if he didn't just fight with his dad, Hoseok squeezed his hand and nodded, waiting for a comment.

"Thank you, please come," his mother whispered and stood up as she walked over to them, hugging him tightly and squeezing Hoseok's shoulder once. His father didn't say anything, eyes focused on whatever was happening in the pitch-black garden instead of them.

It hurt, but still Hyungwon felt glad that he had said it, that it wasn't a terrible secret that he carried around with himself while hurting the person he loved.

"Have a good night, mom," he replied quietly and didn't let go of Hoseok's hand as he made his way towards the hallway. His mother didn't follow, the brief hug must have been enough as only Bella ran around them, excited that they finally left the living room. She must have been able to tell how he felt as she kept licking both of their hands.

"I'm sorry that my dog is more empathic than my family," he murmured and slipped into his coat. Hoseok always seemed so strong and confident, but still it must have hurt to be so obviously rejected. Hyungwon couldn't even imagine how he would feel if Mari or Jin asked him to leave because he was a danger to Hoseok.

"Well, you're not your family, but they are important to you, so I'm hurt that they don't understand you. It's sad." Hoseok leaned in and kissed him briefly, the feeling of warm lips still lingering on his when the touch had already passed.

It felt good and reminded him of why he was doing all this, why he had decided to confront his parents and why he had abandoned the plan that had been made for him.

_Because this makes you happy. It makes you so happy that not even God could be against this._

"I love you," he whispered and closed his eyes to focus on the scent of berries that still seemed to surround him. "So much that I would give you everything, even my hand if that's what you ask for."

"I love you too and I'm happy with what you are giving me. At least for now." His boyfriend took his hands and kissed each finger before placing a last one on the back and pulling him out of the house.

"Thank you for fighting for me," Hoseok whispered.

Hyungwon welcomed the cold air as they stepped out, even though Hoseok was only clad in his jacket and a thin shirt under it. Snow was falling again and the traces they left on the way to his parents had already disappeared as if they had never been there in the first place. One might have thought that whatever happened just now had been erased too, washed away by another wave of pretense.

_But not this time._

Hyungwon had spoken out for once, taken Hoseok with him to show his parents who they were trying to take from him with each constricting word they spoke towards him. Even if it had hurt and he still remembered the expression on his father's face, he felt happy somehow.

"Because you are more than worth it," he whispered and simply wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, kissing those warm lips without a single thought wasted on who might see them because those people's opinions didn't matter.

***

“They are the worst,” he commented after pulling his cup from under the coffee machine and shaking his head in disbelief at how Hyungwon’s parents had reacted to their son coming out. His mom lifted her gaze from the book she was reading and glanced at him briefly before returning her attention to the book.

“Was it that bad? But you didn’t fight with them, did you?”

_As if that’s relevant._

“Of course, I told them what I think, they can’t act as if they love him and then do things to make him miserable. And on purpose too! How can they even call themselves parents, I don’t understand? Especially his dad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a worse hypocrite than him, lord save me.” He shrugged, hoping to get rid of the adrenaline that coursed through his body from the image of Hyungwon’s dad and how he sat in his stupid fucking chair, being a homophobic asshole and telling his son to be unhappy for his own sake. Asshole.

“Well, I guess he thinks that he’s doing something good. People aren’t always aware of the consequences of their behavior. Remember how you told me how upsetting it was that I kept making fun of biologists? I never thought that it could be hurtful towards your interests, but you told me and now I know. I guess it’s the same with them. They think their opinion and worldview is only good and right, so whatever Hyungwon is doing against it must be a mistake. You could call it ignorant, but knowing you I assume that you shared your unfiltered opinion with them?” A small smile played around his mother’s curved lips as she glanced up again, reaching for her cup of tea and taking a sip. “You should still not forget that they are his parents, Hoseok. We don’t choose our parents, they are there, and it seems as if he really likes them still. Be careful not to hurt him by despising them openly.”

“I’m despising their actions and I have the right to because that guy is a homophobic asshole who not only refuses to accept his son’s sexuality but assumes he is trying to rebel against them by dating a guy. What right does he have to be listened to if he doesn’t listen to others? Why should I be nice to him if the mere fact that I’m his son’s boyfriend makes him want to throw me out? No fucking way am I going to be nice about this.” Emptying his coffee in one go, he took the bread and cut off a piece, furiously smearing strawberry jam on top of it.

“Darling, every person has the same rights, independent of their views. He has the same right to be respected as you have the right to. His opinion disregards your rights, so he is wrong and should be called out on his bullshit, but he still has rights, you know? Usually you can ignore people like that, but as unfortunate as it is, he is your boyfriend’s dad and your boyfriend loves him no matter how wrong he might be in what he thinks about you and your relationship. You don’t want to hurt Hyungwon, do you? Then you have to find some kind of solution.”

_You don’t want to find any solution that involves him._

“Can’t he just live here? I will take care of him!” he murmured and bit off a big chunk of his jam sandwich.

“Of course he can live here if he has issues with his parents and no place to stay, Hoseok, it’s not a problem, but I think that it’s foolish to replace one dependency with another. He’s a really nice person and he will probably feel extremely bad for taking your help and our help. I will tell him myself that he is welcome here any time, however, it won’t change anything about the issues he has with his parents. He will need to make them understand that your relationship isn’t going to end anytime soon. Did you give him the money for tutoring?” His mom took another sip of her tea. He wished he had the same ability to be calm about things that were devastating or making him furious.

_You wanted to, but you forgot._

“Should I just marry him? I can do that,” he commented and stuffed the rest of his sandwich into his mouth before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Are you okay, Hoseok? How is it okay to marry because your boyfriend’s parents don’t approve? You should be thinking about marriage if you know for sure that this is your person, not because you have a beef with some of his relatives. Really? You’re disappointing me right now. Imagine if he asked you to marry him and you are all overwhelmed about it and happy and then it turns out he only asked you to make his parents miserable? Would it feel nice?” His mom placed the book on the table and crossed her arms too, showing that she was angry.

_That’s not how you meant it._

“I love him! That’s why I said that! Not because I wanted to make his parents miserable,” he replied and chewed on his lips, looking to the side and feeling a little embarrassed because he sounded like an unreasonable teenager.

_He also said you are a teenager, that asshole._

“I’m not sure about that, bunny. Please calm down and be reasonable about it. You’ve only known each other for a few weeks and now you are all sure about everything when you didn’t even know whether you two would end up together ten days ago. Don’t pressure yourself with unnecessary stuff and try to help him solve this issue because I bet it’s something that gives him more anxiety and headache than the question of whether you want to marry him or not.”

Hoseok really hated it when his mother was right, but she was right, so he nodded and sighed. “I hate it when people are like that to me. And I hate that they hurt him. It makes me furious.”

“That I can understand. That’s why I want to tell him that he’s always welcome here because he is. He needs a support system right now, not another dependency, that’s why I want you to make sure to support him without giving him more issues to take care of, more guilt and more negativity. He has enough of that right now.”

Brushing through her short black hair, his mother returned her gaze to the book that she picked up from the table, reading further as if nothing had happened and briefly looked up to watch him leave the kitchen. He really didn’t want to be a burden or a responsibility for Hyungwon, but he didn’t know how he could help him if his parents didn’t listen to a single thing that he said.

_Then you will need to try harder, Hoseok._

_

The past view days were like torture and he asked himself whether Rose was right about Hyungwon being in love with math so much that he forgot that he had a boyfriend who needed a lot of love.

_All exams are over too, you just want to spend time together and he doesn’t pick up his phone. Why does he have it if he doesn’t even look at it?_

He sincerely hoped that the silence wasn’t due to the problems with his parents and that Hyungwon suddenly changed his mind after going as far as coming out to his parents.

_What if he dumps you?_

His eyes widened and he shook his head before furiously typing fifteen hearts of different colors into his phone and sending it to Hyungwon.

_That won’t help you, will it?_

Shaking his head to get rid of the terrible thoughts, he stood up from his bed and pulled the closest shirt over his torso and decided it was time to get a coffee and clear his thoughts. His mom was probably awake and only had sessions in the afternoon, so he could get some advice.

“I need some espresso and good old parental advice,” he commented before entering the kitchen and meeting two pair of eyes. One belonged to his mom, round and black and the other ones were huge and reminded him of the person he missed so much.

_Why is Hyungwon’s mom here?_

That was more than weird and he sincerely hoped that the woman didn’t try to tell his mom anything bad about him. Not that she would have believed it, but there was enough stuff he could have been scolded for if his mom knew.

“Oh, how come you are here?” he asked straight out and walked towards the coffee machine, glancing at the black-haired woman as he made himself a coffee.

It was quiet at first, but Hyungwon's mother shifted on the chair and played with her own cup until she replied. She didn't look angry or observe him with contempt. Only her eyes appeared a little sad, similar to the way she had looked when she cried silently on her spot on the couch.

"I want to apologize for my husband's rough request for you to leave. There was nothing in your behavior that justifies that and I am sorry, Hoseok." A delicate hand gestured towards a plate of fresh smelling bread rolls. "I brought some homemade bread. It's fresh, so please feel free to have some."

_She came to apologize?_

“Oh, well, it’s your house, so it’s okay to tell someone to leave if you don’t want to have them there. But thank you for your apology." He smiled and decided to sit next to the slim woman, taking one of the bread rolls and biting off a chunk. It was really tasty, so he hummed and took a sip of his coffee. "Are you feeling better? You looked sad when we visited."

"I was sad, but because of several things and none of them justify throwing you out of the house, especially if you are somebody that Hyungwon cares about." Hyungwon's mom smiled briefly, no longer than a second and returned her attention to his mom. "Thank you for accepting my sudden visit, Mari. I appreciate it very much."

Taking a sip from her cup, the black-haired woman brushed her hair away from her chest and leaned back against the chair. There was still a hint of sadness, but she was definitely more composed this time.

"I wanted to ask you why you want to be with him, Hoseok, what it means for you and what you plan on doing in the future. Please don't think of it as intrusive. I am merely trying to understand what this means to you because Hyungwon has never said a word about it, neither about the way he feels about you, nor about how serious this is. I hope you understand that I'm concerned about both of you making decisions without thinking them through. I'm his mother and I'm sure that Mari feels similarly about you."

“Mari knows exactly how I feel,” he commented and grinned at his mother, before finishing chewing and focusing his gaze on Hyungwon’s mom that he still didn’t know the name of. “What’s your name? I feel weird calling you Hyungwon’s mom, you are a woman that has an existence apart from giving birth to my boyfriend.”

"Oh, I just thought that it must seem weird to you to call a woman of my age by first name. My name is Yuna." Yuna smiled and gestured for him to continue eating his bread roll. Her lips weren't as plump as Hyungwon's, but she had round cheeks when she smiled. "But you still didn't answer my questions. Have you thought about what you expect in the future or are the questions uncomfortable for you?"

“I told my mom that I want to marry him and she scolded me,” he commented before biting into his bread roll and ignoring his mother’s furious gaze. “I’m still young, I know, and we need to get to know each other better and all that buzz, but I really love him. Doesn’t mean that we need to get married, there’s no real reason to, but he’s amazing. He is smart and kind, always ready to help without expecting anything back, he always gives himself the blame, even though he’s not at fault and he looks so happy when he is next to me. I love that the most. I want to see him every day and I want him to be happy. That’s why you guys need to understand him, otherwise he’ll have a hard time like before.”

It wasn't difficult to tell that Yuna hadn't expected him to respond like that. She fumbled with her hands until she found her cup and took a few gulps before returning her attention to his face.

"You like him enough to marry him?" she asked and it was obvious that she couldn't quite believe it. "I have a very different opinion on marriage, but I don't think now is the time to be discussing it. I'm thankful that you feel that way about Hyungwon and it's not difficult to tell that you are being genuine. I'm just not sure what this means for his future, how things are going to change. Christmas is coming up and it already doesn't feel the same."

“Huh? Ah, because of Sarah? To be honest, you probably still want to invite her and everything because you’ve been close I guess, please do if it makes you happy. I hope she can find a person who loves her a lot.” He nodded and glanced at his mom who looked in thought.

“Feelings can change, but one never knows in which direction. It can get less or it can get more. I think what Hoseok means is that he is emotionally involved in their relationship and I think it shows a lot as I know my son well.”

Yuna nodded at that, but stared at the remains of coffee in her cup. "I understand that and even though I'm not familiar with other models of relationships, I'm trying to be reasonable about this. It's difficult because it's not only about the associated changes. My husband will suffer from people doubting him and what he stands for as soon as people begin to talk. This is a small community. Hyungwon is happy at university and I know he is doing what he loves, but I'm scared that coming to us will become a burden to him and that has been my concern since the beginning of the year. I feel like he's slipping through my fingers and I don't understand why it is happening." There was a change in voice towards the end as Hyungwon's mother must have been feeling emotional, hiding her face for a few moments as she took deep breaths.

“He’s growing up and I guess he finally found the courage to speak out. He loves you a lot, we talked about that and I think he had a hard time hurting you by making decisions contrary to what you consider right, but I would really like it if you thought about him, the fact that he was devastated because of the way he was supposed to function and people talking has nothing to do with you or your family. I think it would be better to shift the attention towards your son, because it is hard for him too. He cried a few times and it’s visible how this whole situation affects him and he loves you a lot, so I really hope that you can think about him in this specific case. He might be twenty two, but he needs you now.” His mom reached out and patted Yuna’s hand, sounding as reasonable as always. It was a gift.

"I love to see him happy, of course I do. Even I can tell that he's more at ease next to Hoseok, but I'm not the only one deciding what will happen next. I don't know how to act to make him feel welcome and safe and I don't know how to make his father accept the changes. He's stubborn when it comes to his convictions." Yuna rubbed over her face once and seemed thankful for the comfort as she nodded softly. "I'm still struggling with the idea too, but only because he is my son and I've spent years believing that he's going to be with the girl he befriended since childhood and seemed to be happy with. I don't blame you for coming into his life and I don't think you ruined anything, Hoseok. I'm unsure about how I'm supposed to act to keep the family together."

"Changes are part of development and your family isn't falling apart, Yuna. Hyungwon came to talk to you because he still feels like part of the family. You might need some time to get used to Hoseok because he's very straightforward and unapologetic, but the good thing about it is that you can always tell him if you are not happy with something he does, he listens well. Regarding your husband, I guess you will have to find out the best way to approach it, I fear that I can't help you there. I heard that Rose was very happy about their relationship, maybe you can involve her." His mom led the conversation as he stuffed his face with bread rolls and thought about the reason Hyungwon didn't write or came to visit.

Yuna's chuckle caught his attention as she finally looked up properly and seemed to relax. "I didn't know that she was already aware, but I'm also not surprised. My mother hates my husband to be honest, even if she is being polite about it. I'll have to show him that Hyungwon is still Hyungwon, even with the changes that are going to occur. I'm thankful that you allowed me into your home and took the time to listen to my concerns, Mari. So thankful." Standing up, Hyungwon's mom took her cup and placed it into the sink before looking at him. "I'm sorry for misjudging you, Hoseok. You are welcome too and I will try to make it so that I won't be the only one thinking that way."

Just when Yuna was about to slip into her coat, the bell rang and Jeezy decided to act out a dangerous dog.

"Seems as if we're popular today," he commented and pressed the button to open the door downstairs, waiting until the ash-brown head appeared in his sight.

"I thought you dumped me for an older, more reasonable guy, now that you came out." He crossed his arms in front of his chest and pouted.

"What?" Hyungwon exclaimed, eyes as wide as sauce pans before grabbing his face and pressing a kiss to his pout, lips a little cooler than his because he came from outside. "Why would you think that? I even dream of you, Hoseok. Did so much time pass? What day is it?"

Hoseok would have laughed at the question had Hyungwon not been absolutely serious. His boyfriend stepped into the hallway and hurried to slip out of his shoes only to freeze in place as his mother decided it was a good moment to hug him out of nowhere.

"M-mom?" Hyungwon muttered, but hugged back, eyes instantly looking for him and probably hoping for an explanation. Despite the light hair color the other man looked so pale suddenly.

"Yeah, Yuna came to check whether I'm an adequate husband for you." Hoseok grinned and fixed his sweatpants. "It's Thursday, Hyungwon."

His boyfriend mouthed an obvious 'what?', still shocked and Hoseok couldn't tell whether the fact that his mother came over or the knowledge that it was indeed Thursday was more shocking.

"I'm so glad to see you," Yuna commented and leaned back to cup her son's face, looking at him as if several weeks had passed. Hoseok understood because he felt the same. "I know that you are preparing for exams, but please make sure to eat."

Hyungwon was rather confused by the comments, probably cause the last interaction with his parents hadn't been a very pleasant one.

"I'm trying," his boyfriend murmured before looking back at him, confusion remaining.

"The two of you are still invited to come this weekend and I will do my best. Thank you for listening and acting much older than your age would suggest Hoseok." Squeezing his shoulder briefly, Yuna finished getting dressed and disappeared with a kiss on Hyungwon's cheek. Describing the tall man as confused was an understatement.

"I must be dreaming," Hyungwon whispered as he hung up his coat while staring at him in shock. "Did I just kiss you in front of my mom and she simply hugged me and told me to eat?"

"Yes. I like her, because one can see that she loves you. Unlike your dad, he's a hypocrite. Did you not answer me because you were preparing for your exams? I even went to your dorm yesterday, but you weren't there."

"Should I order sushi? I can get more if you didn't eat anything yet. Is there anything you don't eat?" his mom asked, holding her phone in her right hand.

"Ehm- I don't like vegetables," Hyungwon murmured as he stepped closer and looked guilty. Chewing on his cheek, his boyfriend stroked along his arm and the gesture was very tender compared to the way those brown eyes observed him. "I'm sorry, I've been in the library all this time. I panic before exams and put away my phone to not be distracted. I didn't even know it was Thursday already."

"It is indeed Thursday and I thought you dumped me. Do you need a shower? We can take a shower together." He smiled and tugged on his arm. "We have time until the food arrives."

"I-okay," Hyungwon stuttered and glanced towards his mom as if he expected her to condemn them for wanting to shower together. Of course she didn't and Hoseok had no problems tugging his boyfriend towards the bathroom. "I could never dump you, I told you that being with you is so important that I'd rather die than be without you. I meant that."

"That's scary," he muttered as he closed the door and turned the key, wiggling his eyebrows as he did when he had dyed Hyungwon's hair. "Now that you know what happened since you were so careful around me back then, maybe you were right to be scared of me."

"Scared of what you're going to do to me?" the low voice whispered as his gorgeous boyfriend sat down on the edge of the bathtub much like the last time. A healthy blush was covering Hyungwon's round cheeks. "I don't think I'm capable of being scared of that anymore."

"I think it's not quite the part about me doing anything but the part about you liking it." Hoseok stepped closer and stopped right in front of Hyungwon. Settling between his spread legs, he wrapped his hand around his chin and lifted it. The big hazel eyes were gorgeous as ever, observing him with that look that was emotional and arousing at the same time.

"It's hard not to like it when you're the one touching me," Hyungwon whispered and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. "You make it difficult to resist."

"Damn if your god knew how hooked I am on you," he muttered before leaning in and catching Hyungwon's lips as his hands stroked up his lean thighs and towards his shirt, opening button after button.

"He- probably does," Hyungwon stuttered and left his lips parted as his legs spread subconsciously. "Are you making me feel like this on purpose, burning up as if the air has suddenly become thick and everything apart from you blurs into the background?"

"I don't know. I just know that you infiltrated my brain and ninety percent of dreams I have are about you, you are the one coming to me and making me go crazy." His mind was strange lately, making up Hyungwon out of every dream and turning it into a fire of pure arousal that he had to deal with for the next few hours after waking up.

"When I made my way here, I only wanted to kiss you and hold you in my arms because it felt like I had deprived myself of your company. But now-" Again his boyfriend shifted, spreading his legs a little wider to accommodate the way he responded to him. "Now you make me want to touch you again, no matter how scared my mind had been before. I think about it- the way you made me feel and how freeing it was to think of nothing but you."

"I'm a little obsessed with the thought of feeling you around me. Maybe because I can't have it or because it's you but it's so hot and I keep thinking about it, when I close my eyes…" He let his eyes flutter shut and slipped Hyungwon's shirt down his broad shoulders, fingers stroking up to his warm neck, heartbeat pulsating against his fingertips. "When I close them I can imagine you rolling your eyes because of how good I feel and what kind of sounds you would make when I move faster."

"What is stopping you, Hoseok?" Hyungwon asked softly and he could feel one of his legs brush over his clothed thighs. "Before it was my emotional instability, but what is it now?"

"Nothing, I want you. I just want you to want me too." He hoped that it made sense, remembering that they actually wanted to shower and took off his shirt, throwing it into the wash and glancing at Hyungwon's slim chest and the beautiful scar down the middle. "I missed your scar, it's so pretty. Like you." A smile spread his lips and he kneeled between Hyungwon's legs, lips attached to the white line and kissing down its length.

"But I want you too, Hoseok," Hyungwon murmured and tightened his grip on the edge of the tub to stay in place as goosebumps began to cover his skin. "I just don't know what to do next, nothing beyond undressing you and taking you into my mouth."

Long fingers settled in his hair and tugged when a tremble passed through the other man's body. Hyungwon didn't seem ashamed of the way his groin bulged out against his pants, but he still blushed profoundly. "You could… show me."

"Show you?" He glanced up and licked his lips. "Would you like to have sex with me?"

Now he could see a glimpse of hesitation, but it must have been insecurity and not a lack of interest as Hyungwon sucked his full lips into his mouth and nodded. His boyfriend was still obviously aroused but the way he kept caressing his skin was affectionate, fingers travelling over his naked chest and arms.

"Is it… a strange thing to ask for in a bathroom?"

"No, actually this is an amazing place to have sex because you can do it under the shower and it's less messy, don't be surprised that I have condoms and lube here. But do you really…?" He licked over his lips again and reached for Hyungwon's groin, opening the button of his jeans and pulling down the zipper, exhaling sharply "... want me?"

"Is the fact that I'm aroused and asking you not enough to know?" Hyungwon nibbled on the inside of his cheek and seemed embarrassed because of how obviously his erection strained against the fabric of his underwear. "Is there some codec I don't know? Another admission I have to make? I imagined it and if it's anywhere close to the way your fingers felt then I want it. Is… that enough of an admission? I would like to do something that makes both of us feel good at once, in a way that I can hear it in your voice."

"I groan like an animal," he chuckled and helped Hyungwon out of his pants. "Because I like it so much." He stood up and quickly discarded his sweatpants and underwear in the laundry basket and pulled Hyungwon to his feet. "I'm just scared to do anything you don't like even though I'm sure that you will like it. It doesn't make sense, right?"

"Maybe we're just both nervous," Hyungwon murmured before smiling at him, still a little shy about standing in the bright light of the bathroom without clothes. "Although I'm sure I'll beat you there. I was terrified when I was expected to touch Sarah, now I'm only nervous to do something stupid that people don't do. Like- scream too much, or ask you for something weird because I can't think straight from the pleasure."

"Please ask me all the weird things, I'll do them all," he whispered and couldn't resist pulling Hyungwon flush against his body by the grip on his narrow waist. "I would say I'm super experienced, but I am still nervous because I don't want to hurt you and I only want you to feel amazing. I can't know unless we try it out. You can tell me to stop any time, okay? I will tell you too, if I feel weird about it."

His boyfriend nodded and played with his hair, relaxing in his arms as soon as they were close enough to touch. "Did your parents ever mind you collecting all that experience? I might be old-fashioned, but I always had this thought that I only want to be close to somebody I really love. You can't imagine how glad I am that it is you. I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable, I promise."

_Well, have fun explaining that._

"My parents educated me about safe sex and consent during puberty, even before I started being… active. I knew about all the things that could happen and while I was collecting all that experience, I always shared with my mom if there was something that felt strange or I didn't like. That's kind of intimate, but it helped me to understand many things and become more aware of the things I like. Only being close to somebody I love… I never thought like that. What if he never appeared, should I die without having had fun even once? That's terrible." He shook his head and reached for the mirror cabinet to get out the special lube and a few condoms.

"I-" Hyungwon paused as he reached for the lube and condoms and glanced to the side, probably a little embarrassed again. "I never doubted that I would meet that person. You told me that you don't believe in fate, but… I do believe that all of us can find somebody that belongs with us. I never felt bad about having to wait because that made finding that person more special. Sex was more of a mystery to me and I preferred not to think about it too much, maybe because I never thought of having it with a man."

"Mystery, huh? I think that we meet people and work to stay together if we want to. Fate is a concept unfamiliar to me." He stepped under the shower and turned it on, placing the supplies on the shelf next to the shampoo as he observed Hyungwon who looked gorgeous naked. "Do you think that I belong with you? That I'm that person?"

There was no hesitation as his boyfriend nodded and stepped into the stall, gasping as soon as the water hit his shoulders. "I'm convinced that you're the one I'm meant to be with. I think it started when I saw your smile and needed to see more of it."

"Really? Only because of my smile? Are you sure that you made a good choice? The qualifications to be your person don't sound convincing." He smiled and wrapped his arm around Hyungwon's narrow middle, pulling their bodies flush and gasping at how good it felt to finally touch. He felt deprived, especially after being used to more and with more frequency.

"It's more than that." Hyungwon chuckled and kissed him, keeping their lips connected for a few seconds before leaning back. "I told you your smile was the start. It made me happy somehow and want to see more of it. It was sweet, just like your cheerfulness. I never thought of wanting more than your presence until you began to create associations, showing me what more there is and how it can make me feel. You're right that I was afraid of reacting to you, because I knew that I would. I know that you are the person because you are the one I fell in love with, the one that I abandoned so many things for when nobody else was worth it before. I also know that it is you because when I thought I was dying, my only concern was leaving you behind without telling you how I feel."

Fingers travelled over his chest and arms, tenderly caressing his skin while Hyungwon looked at him as if he was a treasure, the only person that mattered.

"I love you," he replied and leaned in to kiss the beautiful person in his arms. "Your happiness is important to me. You are important."

_Is that why you never manage to do it? Because he makes it super emotional and then you feel strange acting on your desire._

Sighing briefly, he stepped back and reached for the shower gel, washing his arms and torso and holding it out for Hyungwon.

"But won't we be… dirty after?" his boyfriend asked, but still accepted the bottle to pour some on his big palm and apply it to his lean body. It was fascinating to watch as Hyungwon stepped away from the spray, leaning against the shower wall and carefully applied it to his chest and arms, fingers dancing over his scar.

"We can do it next time, it's fine," he commented and smiled, taking the shampoo and busying himself with washing his hair thoroughly.

Instead of continuing to take care of his body, Hyungwon observed him for a few seconds, hands wrapped around his own waist.

"Is it something I said?" the low voice whispered, as Hyungwon bit on his bottom lip.

He washed out the shampoo and thought about what it was. It wasn't Hyungwon's fault. Not really. His boyfriend was emotional and adorable and he really liked it, it was just…

_Just that you can't fuck him when he's confessing his love to you. You have no idea how to do it._

"No. Not at all. I'm just- not used to it. You are telling me all these important things that make me feel warm but I can't go from that to… to sex. Don't worry, it's not that I'm disappointed or anything, it just doesn't feel right, kind of? So I prefer being affectionate then and… Does that make sense?"

"I'm not sure," Hyungwon murmured as he reached out for his hand, placing it on top of his chest and letting it run along his ribs and waist to his hips. "Doesn't being affectionate make you want to be closer? The more I think about how much you mean to me, the more I want to pull you closer and kiss you, have your hands all over me and... catch your moans with my lips. I always desire to be affectionate when we touch. Is it… wrong? Does sex have to be mechanical?"

_What? No!_

"Not at all. I don't mean it’s mechanical and it's not emotionless when I have sex with somebody, just the feeling is a different one. It's desire. If you are so adorable and affectionate with me I want to kiss you and stroke your hair and feel weird doing something openly sexual." Hoseok lifted his hand and removed some wet locks from Hyungwon's forehead.

_That would explain why you're dreaming about it, because he doesn't do that in your dreams._

"So it feels wrong to sleep with me when I make you want to take care of me instead?" Hyungwon asked and caught his hand in the air right when he wanted to pull it back. Brown eyes observed him intently, travelling from his lips downwards to his chest and naked body until the other man must have decided that he had looked enough, healthy blush coloring his cheeks. "You must be misunderstanding me, missing how much I actually want you because I hide behind my affection and my lack of knowledge."

Hyungwon closed his eyes for a few seconds before stepping forward and pinning him against the shower wall, arms wrapped around his waist to have their bodies closer and lips clashing against his.

"Is it my hesitation that drowns your desire?" the low voice asked as a hot tongue licked between his lips and Hyungwon paused to take a few deep breaths.

"I don't know. It feels as if it's not sex that you want when you look at me like that and tell me that I'm important. It just doesn't feel right," he murmured, one arm wrapped around the narrow waist and licking a few drops of water from his lips as he observed Hyungwon's face.

"Isn't sex the desire to be close, to connect our bodies? I want that, I want to be so close that there is no way to feel more of you. I want to breathe you and catch each of your moans with my lips, knowing that you feel the same, just as connected to me." Hands began to roam over his skin, cupping his hips and pushing them forward to make their groins meet. Hyungwon's lips parted in a moan, but he contained it by kissing him again. "I want pleasure too, but I want to feel it with _you_ , Hoseok."

_Why is he so different now? Is it because he's hurt?_

"You aren't doing this because you're hurt by what I said, are you?" he asked and tightened his grip on Hyungwon's waist, immobilizing him and at the same time pulling him flush against his body, creating friction.

A soft moan left the pump lips before Hyungwon shook his head. "I'm not hurt. I only feel helpless because I want you, but my actions seem to suggest the opposite. It seems like your desire towards me fades when I show affection whereas mine only increases as soon as you cup my face and kiss me."

"I want to kiss you too, it's not like I don't want any affection, I do. It just seems as if sex is not the outcome that you want out of the situation. Gosh, I don't know why I'm so conflicted when it's usually super easy."

"Isn't that your interpretation of my actions?" Hyungwon bent his knees a little and began to leave kisses along his jaw and neck, sometimes sucking his skin into his mouth to nibble on it before letting go. "I just told you that it's what I want. Do you want me to make it easier?"

Blush was covering the tall man's cheeks as he suddenly sank to his knees and used his palms to stroke over his hips as he placed a kiss right above the base of his dick. Another one on the tip followed as Hyungwon looked up at him.

"I told you that what I know is limited. That's the only reason I'm not going further with you."

Taking a deep breath, the other man lined up his length with his lips and let it slip into his mouth, sucking intently. The spike of pleasure that followed distracted him from his thoughts and the confusion he felt when it came to align his affection with his sexual desire towards the same person. His fingers sank into the wet locks and he moaned, eyes rolling back. Damn, it did feel different with Hyungwon.

He could feel how those thick lips spread around his dick in a smile before Hyungwon resumed his efforts and tongued his slit, accompanied by a few more sucks before pulling back.

"I love the way you sound, how genuine it is," his boyfriend murmured and immediately rubbed the head of his quickly filling out erection over his flat tongue.

"You do? I love the sounds you make even though you feel embarrassed about them. They're my favorite," he chuckled and moaned once again because of an especially nice motion of Hyungwon's tongue. Would you like to try touching yourself the way I touched you last time? It's always better if you do it yourself once to know what and how you like it, so I wanted to watch how you can make yourself feel before I get involved."

_That's some hot stuff, can't ruin that with your thoughts. At least not easily._

"I'm not embarrassed because you hear them, not anymore," Hyungwon whispered and sucked on his tip one last time before standing up and pushing their hips together. It was easy to tell how aroused he was, even without feeling the firmness against his erection. "I'm embarrassed because I want you to be the only one to hear it. Please show me how to touch myself the way you did."

He felt the familiar warmth again, but this time it didn't dampen the desire he felt, it merely coexisted in his mind, making his breaths hitch and combining his affection with the overwhelming wish to be as close as possible to the person he loved.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Call Me a Sinner came to an end.
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CHAPTER 15

_He must have severed the connection between affection and desire with a sharp knife._

Hyungwon had no other explanation for how quickly Hoseok's actions towards him changed as soon as he talked about his feelings, about how much he felt towards the naked man in his arms.

_Why does affection confuse him so much?_

All the innuendos and suggestions that Hoseok had thrown his way as soon as they entered the bathroom transformed into delicate touches to his cheeks and small smiles while the other man washed his body. It almost felt like rejection.

_But it's not. It's him separating desire from his affection._

Hyungwon wasn't able to do that. Each time he felt desire towards Hoseok it was connected with affection, with the need to be close and touch as much as possible. He never cared about the intensity of the pleasure he felt because as soon as Hoseok kissed him and held him close at the same time it was the best feeling he could wish for.

It must have been different for Hoseok. Desire was a need he felt, one that was satisfied by the most pleasurable action, by connecting their bodies. Affection on the other had consisted of being close, slow kisses and not the breathy gasps that had left their lips in the sauna.

_That had been desire for him, hadn't it? You were the one who got emotional towards the end._

The same thing had happened now. Hyungwon talked of his feelings and Hoseok took a step back, turning the arousing sensation of fingers against Hyungwon's skin into a kiss and a smile. It was impossible to tell whose fault it was, if him being aroused by affectionate touches was strange compared to Hoseok's retreat.

_It's probably you because you get shy and don't act on what you want. Of course, he feels strange touching you._

His desire must have been invisible, hidden behind all the affection he felt. If Hoseok wasn't able to see it, then maybe he had to show it.

His insecurities were still there when he pressed Hoseok's muscular body against the shower wall and let their groins meet, gasping from the pleasure. Despite arousal, he still felt affection. It was his drive, the reason for wanting to have Hoseok closer than before, to learn what it feels like to be connected and not only hear, but also feel how much the other person enjoys being that close. The idea of sharing the pleasure was what made him want it so much, to kiss and move together while knowing it was his body and his presence that made the man he loved feel that way.

His experience was limited, but he used it as well as he could, sinking to his knees and pleasuring Hoseok with his lips. Hyungwon loved the reactions, the genuine sounds that left Hoseok's mouth and told him it was because of him. He didn't know if it was different when only desire was involved because he had never felt desire only towards Hoseok, but he hoped that the heat in his chest and between his legs was the same for the other man.

_He reacts to you, so there must be desire, but why does he hold it back then? Shouldn't affection make it grow the way it does for you?_

When it felt like he couldn't bear not embracing Hoseok, he finally stood up and let their lips meet while providing friction for his groin. It felt good, enough to forget that he planned on being even closer for a second or two.

_But he wants you to learn how to pleasure yourself, to know what you like so you can tell him. Maybe that will also help him understand that you desire him._

Hoseok was right about him being embarrassed because of the sounds he made, but that had never been because of the man in his arms. Rather it had been his fear of judgment from the outside, of presenting something intimate that was only meant for Hoseok to see and hear.

"Please show me how to touch myself the way you did," he murmured eventually and licked over the curve of Hoseok's lips. Hyungwon was still nervous and shy, of course, he was, but that didn't change the fact that his desire to be close stayed the same.

Hoseok seemed to know so well what he was doing as he took his hand and rolled a condom over two of his fingers before covering them in lube. The action was accompanied by a pretty smile and blushed cheeks that hinted at Hoseok’s reaction to what was about to come.

“Try to relax as much as possible and think about how it will feel when you hit the right spot. You need to curl your fingers this way because you won’t be able to reach it otherwise,” the low voice explained, eyes jumping from his face to his fingers as if Hoseok’s mind was providing images he had no idea about.

_He's somehow adorable even if the situation isn't._

The thought helped him to stay calm and he nodded before leaning in and kissing Hoseok's lips briefly. Since the whole thing was a little embarrassing and being naked had more meaning when their bodies weren't connected, he leaned against the shower wall with his shoulders but kept his hips away to be able to access them with his fingers. And that way the water was not able to wash off the lube.

_You must look ridiculous._

It was his shyness striking back since he felt strange turning around and stretching out his behind into Hoseok's face. To make it easier, he closed his eyes and spread his legs apart while thinking of how fascinated Hoseok had seemed the last time he pleasured him when Hyungwon moved on top of his fingers.

"Jesus Christ," he murmured as he let his fingers rub over his butt, spreading the slick liquid around until he decided to get it over with and slipped both of his fingers inside. He instantly hissed because it seemed like quite a bit, even with the lubricant, and allowed himself a few deep breaths while keeping his eyes shut.

_But he told you to curl them._

Considering the darkness safe, he realized that it was a little difficult to move his hand like this, so he turned sideways but still made sure to not be too vulgar about it. After moving his fingers back and forth a little it seemed easier and he didn't mind the friction or the stretch all that much. It actually felt kind of nice to stimulate the muscles, so he did that for a bit before slipping his fingers all the way inside and gasping. When his legs started to feel like jelly, he realized that he still hasn't curled them.

_You'll forget yourself, won't you?_

Hyungwon really hoped that he wasn't going to make any embarrassing or ridiculous requests and held his breath before curling his fingers and feeling surprised that nothing happened. Then he moved them some more, identifying a swollen bit that he pressed down on and immediately pulled a scream from his lips.

"God, I'm sorry," he mumbled and pressed his head to the shower wall to keep it in place while repeating the motion because it felt too good not to. When he slipped his fingers halfway out and stabbed them right on the spot, the combination was enough to make his whole body shake and for his arousal to spike.

_You have to turn to move your hand better._

He didn't even think about whether that was a bad idea or not as he simply turned around, using one elbow to hold his weight against the shower wall. Bending forward, he had way better access with his hand and sped up the motions, gasping because it made him dizzy and returned images of sitting on top of Hoseok and having hands all over him.

He could feel warm palms on his back, stroking down his waist, nails leaving a sharp but pleasant sensation along his skin.

“I’m losing my mind,” the low voice breathed out.

"This feels too good." Hyungwon wasn't even sure if that was a reply or simply a statement on how he was currently feeling. His legs were jelly and he knew for certain that he wouldn't be able to hold himself up, even with elbows against the shower wall.

Since he wasn't pressed to the wall anymore, he could feel water on his back and running down his legs where Hoseok wasn't blocking it. He wanted the other man to be closer, to kiss and touch just like before. He didn't even mind moving himself on top of his fingers again if that meant he could touch him.

"I want to ride you," he mumbled and tried to catch his breath even though he couldn't motivate himself to completely still his hand. The sparks of pleasure were too good. "I can feel you that way, with your hands all over me. Please?"

“Ride… me? Or my fingers? Because this won’t be fun if you try taking me after preparing with two fingers, that won’t work,” Hoseok breathed out again and continued stroking his back. “And we would need to get out of the shower. I can prepare you and then you could take me when I stand and I lift you.”

Hyungwon wasn't sure if all of that made sense, but he nodded before turning around and wrapping his free arm around Hoseok's neck, clashing their mouths together.

"I want it to be you," he murmured and kept kissing even though the water was running down their faces and his body was still responding to the smallest motion of fingers inside of him. "And I don't want to leave the shower. I want to have sex with you.”

“You really make me lose my mind, Hyungwon, but I can’t be losing it because I need to make sure that you feel good.” Hoseok pulled at his hand and discarded the condom in a quick motion, before ripping another one open and rolling it over his fingers. “Turn around and bend over,” Hoseok asked and kissed his lips once “For me,” the low voice added.

_For him._

"I feel good no matter how you touch me," he whispered and already missed the sensation. The knowledge that Hoseok was going to take over was the main reason for turning around quickly and bending over. His face was burning, awareness returning sufficiently to be embarrassed and he hoped Hoseok didn't consider the view too grotesque.

_Can he tell that you desire him despite the affection?_

Hyungwon really hoped so while breathing roughly and begging his legs to hold up. The last time he had simply stopped thinking and moved on his own while moaning loudly and begging Hoseok not to stop.

"I don't want anybody but you, Hoseok, please."

He could feel Hoseok’s warm lips kissing along his shoulder to his lower back and finally placing a kiss against his butt cheek before his boyfriend curled an arm around his waist and pushed two fingers inside his body, curling them immediately and exploring until he finally found the spot.

His whole body trembled in response and he cursed while his hips acted on their own and pushed against the two digits. It felt like more than his own fingers, but he liked it, so much that he pressed his forehead to the cold wall and begged Hoseok to continue. Hyungwon couldn't help it, so he silently hoped that the other man didn't hear it while also hoping that he wouldn't stop.

He didn't even realize that Hoseok had paused his motions because his hips were doing all the work, pushing back and making him moan.

"I- I'm sorry, shit-" he hissed and tried to keep still, body burning from arousal.

“Don’t be sorry, you’re gorgeous and it makes me feel dizzy because I want you so much. Tell me if you can handle more,” Hoseok breathed out and he could hear from the low voice that his boyfriend must’ve been affected too.

"Now," he gasped without hesitation and squeezed his eyes shut to focus on the sounds that left Hoseok's lips. They sounded beautiful and Hyungwon wanted to hear more, to make sure the other man felt just as good if not more and couldn't resist acting on their mutual desire.

_And affection._

A few seconds passed filled with their ragged exhales before he felt the stretch shortly before the bliss caught up with him again.

“If you feel okay with this you might be able to take me,” Hoseok half commented half moaned, moving his fingers a little and whispering arousing words against his shoulder when the warm lips attached to his skin.

"I'm more than okay," he mumbled and pushed back again. He could tell that it was more, but just like when he used his own fingers there was a mixture of fullness and sudden bliss that followed. Both together was difficult to resist and made him move all on his own to speed it up.

_Are you responding more than others or is his affection seeping through, driving him mad in return?_

Hyungwon knew the feeling already, the way it increased until it hit him like fireworks but without providing the relief that orgasm did. He could feel it build up from Hoseok's fingers and slipped lower along the wall, not on purpose but because it felt too good to hold on.

_You want to hold him and watch how he feels the same bliss._

"I want you," he moaned, aware that he was being way too loud, but unable to help it.

“Let’s try,” Hoseok whispered, removing his fingers and turning him around. He could see the prominent blush that covered the usually pale cheeks and he knew that it couldn’t have been the warm water that flowed down Hoseok’s handsome face, it must have been the way his boyfriend reacted to him. "Tell me if it hurts and we will immediately stop, okay?” Hoseok rolled a condom over his thick length and lubed up before reaching for his thighs and lifting him in the air, back pressed against the tiles.

Hyungwon loved the closeness, how easily he could let his hands roam over Hoseok's chest and lean in to kiss those curved lips. Anticipation was accompanied by the feeling he loved so much and he kept covering Hoseok's jaw with kisses, licking along it and nibbling on the sensitive skin of his neck.

_How could you ever separate this?_

"You can't imagine how much I want this," he murmured, almost shaking because he wanted to be connected, to have Hoseok as close as possible while being able to look at his face. "I love you so much that it's burning through my chest. Take me.”

Hoseok swallowed, chewing on his lips. It resembled the hesitation from before, but the almost black eyes gave out that the arousal was too strong to step back. “I want you,” Hoseok whispered, reaching under him and lining up his length, tip applying pressure against his entrance.

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and didn't dare to close his eyes. He wanted to see the expression on Hoseok's face, to find out whether it was meaningful for both of them. Of course Hyungwon wanted the pleasure, claiming anything else would have been a lie, but he wanted the pleasure in connection with the person that provided it, with the proximity and the heat in his chest.

"Are you scared because it's meaningful?" he asked softly and brushed over Hoseok's wet hair before cupping his cheek and tracing his bulging jugular vein. "I want it even more because it's meaningful and because it is you."

“I’m scared to break the way you look at me by making a mistake. But I want you. I want to be one with you and I know that we can feel as one like this.” The pressure increased and Hoseok hissed, briefly rolling his eyes before he returned his gaze and observed him.

It felt like a lot and he exhaled through his open mouth, body complaining at first until it transitioned into the friction and fullness that he enjoyed, only more intense. Hyungwon couldn't tell what he loved more, the expression on Hoseok's face or the knowledge that it was because of him.

"After everything that happened, why do you think that sex could change my gaze?" He smiled and licked over Hoseok's lips, catching another hiss as he tried to apply more of his weight despite Hoseok's grip. "I like the way you feel."

“It feels like your body is holding onto me and I love it,” the low voice whispered followed by a moan as he slipped a bit lower. Hyungwon gasped and lost his focus for a few seconds, eyes fluttering shut and hips pushing down again. He couldn't tell if his liking for the fullness was usual, but he loved how unexpected it seemed for Hoseok, making him moan.

"Then give me more," he urged and let his hands roam over the muscular shoulders and arms, moving his hips a little to feel the stretch. "Stop being so scared and make me scream. I told you that I love the way it feels."

Hoseok tightened his grip on his thighs and inhaled deeply before rolling his hips into him with a loud moan that was so different from the sounds he knew from before.

_Sweet Jesus._

Hyungwon didn't recognize his own voice when he threw his head back, eyes fluttering shut and missing the expression on Hoseok's face. The moan that left his boyfriend's lips sounded so raw and genuine, like there wasn't a single thought containing it.

_Is that the way you sound to him too?_

The burning in his groin that had faded to the back returned with full force and he rolled his hips on his own, trying to feel it again. It was exactly this combination that made him lose his mind.

"Do it again," he whispered and licked into the warm mouth, loving the familiar taste. "Please."

Hoseok didn’t reply and simply nodded before clashing their lips together and rolling his hips a few times in succession. Beautiful moans rained from the curved lips, sometimes muffled by their open-mouthed kisses, sometimes echoing in the enclosed space and vibrating in his ears in addition to the dizziness that stemmed from the burning arousal that Hoseok was able to make him feel.

There were no words left he could have spoken or used to describe the way he felt, so Hyungwon didn't even try. Instead he held onto Hoseok's neck and followed the motions, hips trying to make them faster. He felt like he would burn up if he didn't get more. His moans transformed into a mixture of screams and begging for Hoseok to continue, praise for the way he made him feel and confessions about how much he loved him. All of it mixed in his mind and blurred the affection and pleasure into the burning sensation that kept growing into an explosion.

Hyungwon tried to warn Hoseok, but his words were incoherent, and his body had given up on doing anything apart from meeting every single thrust of Hoseok's hips. He screamed when it finally hit him and made his whole body tremble, but he didn't want Hoseok to stop. It felt like he was going to faint if it stopped right then.

Shaking his head furiously, he clashed their lips together and wrapped his right hand around his own length, gasping as soon as his thumb brushed over his tip.

"Please move," he begged and pressed his forehead against Hoseok's, moaning against those curved lips without a break.

The sounds Hoseok produced when he moved inside him were hard to describe, but they sent shivers of pleasure down his spine and made his body burn in addition to all the sensations that were making him dizzy and begging for more. Hoseok sped up his motions as his hands held him tightly. Sweat mixed with water as the muscular body moved faster and rougher, connecting with his own and making them both breathless.

At some point Hyungwon felt a brief sensation of pain at the back of his head as he must have hit it against the tiles, but he ignored it and merely leaned forward to catch Hoseok's groans with his lips. The dizziness only kept increasing as his orgasm built up and his hand moved as quickly as Hoseok's hips did.

He didn't manage to warn the other man as the explosion of white behind his eyelids was sudden. Pleasure burned in his veins instead of blood and he moaned Hoseok's name repeatedly, body tensing around the fullness inside of him and attempting to keep it close, have it with him forever.

"Oh my god," he murmured but didn't allow Hoseok to pause his hips. Instead, he wrapped both arms around the other man's neck, crossed his legs behind his back and used the leverage to pull him deeper, fascinated by the sounds that were caught by his lips. His body was too sensitive, and he kept trembling, but still he didn't want Hoseok to stop, not until he felt the same bliss.

Hoseok didn’t warn him either and slammed his hips into his body, accompanied by sounds that were so genuine and arousing. His boyfriend held his breath as his body moved inside him before inhaling sharply and burying himself so deep that their bodies were one. The motion was accompanied by the familiar twitching and beautiful moans that rained from the curved lips and sounded like a mantra of his name.

For a while there were only sounds of their rapid breaths and the water that disappeared down the drain as they stood there, connected and looking at each other without saying a word.

“I love you, Hyungwon,” the low voice whispered, pupils blown from arousal and making Hoseok’s eyes look black.

Hyungwon noticed the way air was leaving Hoseok's nose and lips, at the way his chest rose and fell, the expression in those black eyes. It was exactly what he had wanted.

There was a physical connection between them, he could still feel it along with a slight burn, but in addition to that there was the heat in his chest, the wish to kiss Hoseok and never let go.

"I love you too, Hoseok," he whispered back and leaned in, tenderly brushing his lips over Hoseok's until he finally applied pressure. The feeling was overwhelming and not only because they had been as close as possible.

_But because he finally understood what you mean._

_

Sitting down on the bed in his dorm room, Hyungwon felt confused at first, missing the screeching that had occupied every motion of his. The last time that Hoseok visited, his boyfriend had covered some of the metal springs with oil and explained that it was the cheapest solution for now and had absolutely no personal agenda.

He smiled at the memory and felt glad that it took some of the heaviness that the last meeting with his parents brought.

His mother had done her best to make them feel welcome, cooking a lot of food and asking them a lot of questions. But Hyungwon didn't need to look twice to see that his father had detested it. He detested the fact that Hoseok was a man, that he had no faith, that he loved other men and that he had to accept him in his home. Hyungwon couldn't even tell if he was more hurt by his father's obvious rejection or his dislike towards Hoseok.

_You cannot imagine that anybody could hate the person that means the most to you._

His grandma was wonderfully supportive and sent him a box of books that were mostly about math and belonged to his grandpa. He had cried a little and felt embarrassed about two other books she added, but somehow life felt less heavy than the past months.

_So much has changed, but are you still the same person?_

The question was difficult to answer. His opinion on a lot of things had changed. He didn't consider the bond between a man and a woman the only way and neither did he think that he was going to be punished for making particular choices in his life. Instead, it felt like there was a certain calm surrounding him, the same presence that he had felt as a child and used to share his concerns with when there was nobody else to listen to. Now that he had Hoseok, it provided a sense of comfort and confidence, the feeling that no matter what happened, there was somebody who cares.

A sudden knock against his dorm room pulled him from his thoughts and the fact that Changkyun’s lectures started already brought a smile to his face.

_It must be Hoseok._

He hurried to the door and ripped it open before wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and loving the scent of berries. There was less of the smoke which was a positive surprise.

"The oiling helped," he commented before chuckling.

“Now I can’t stand in front of the door and listen to the screeching before I knock. Sad.” A grin spread the pretty cheeks and Hoseok leaned in, lifting him and twirling him around like in some movie. “I got an A!” the low voice exclaimed as soon as his feet finally touched the floor.

_He's so adorable._

Hyungwon decided not to comment on the fact that listening to the screeching of a bed was slightly worrisome and merely focused on the good news, brushing through Hoseok's brown hair.

"Congrats! What subject? I remember you saying that you only have A's, so I'm guessing this is one of your excuses to see me?" Grinning, he pulled Hoseok into the dorm room because he disliked how some of his neighbors stood around in the hallways and watched when he had visitors. "I don't think you need excuses anymore. For that, I want to see you too much."

“No, you fool. Linear Algebra. I got an A because of you, so we need to celebrate.” Hoseok was shining like a sun with a smile that didn’t leave his lips. He looked happy as he threw his jacket on the floor and wrapped his arms around him again.

_This is exactly what you wanted to see back then, a smile on his face because he realizes that he can do something he couldn't before._

Hyungwon smiled back and this time it was his turn to squeeze Hoseok tightly and kiss the top of his head. He felt proud, because it wasn't only because of him.

"It's not because of me, it's because you have talent and understand quickly. You're unbelievably smart and as I told you on the only day you came to the tutorial: You were just convinced that you couldn't do it and I proved you wrong." Leaning in, he kissed the vibrant smile and felt elated because it was still there when he leaned back. "I would do anything for that smile of yours."

“Really? Then never leave and attach yourself to me.” A chuckle left the curved lips and Hoseok lifted him again, carrying him into the room and throwing him on top of the bed before crawling on top. “You can start now.”

_Would be nice if you could be a presence like that for him, somebody who gives comfort no matter where they are._

Hyungwon laughed and followed the request by wrapping all of his limbs around Hoseok's broad body and looking up at the cheerful face.

"I don't need to attach myself physically, my mind is always with you either way," he murmured and brushed over Hoseok's freshly cut sides, enjoying the way the shorter hair felt. "Have I ever told you that I thought of you as an angel when you smiled?"

“Yes, but you also thought I was the devil and temptation and whatever scary things religion made up to force people to be scared.” Hoseok propped on his elbow and removed a lock from his forehead before kissing it. “I think you are adorable.”

"Funny, because I think the same about you." Hyungwon observed the expression on Hoseok's face and wondered what disturbed him about his boyfriend's words.

_It's because he makes it sound like everything about religion is bad._

"But religion didn't only create things to scare people. It also provides a lot of comfort and confidence to those who believe." He sighed and loosened his hold on Hoseok's body. "I agree that there are some destructive beliefs and I had them too, but there are also pleasant ones, thoughts that I wouldn't want to let go of because it would be like my support system disappearing. As if gravity was suddenly turned off."

Hoseok leaned back and let himself fall next to him, head placed on his palm and observing him intently. “But why would you need that? You have knowledge and science and all those things that give you orientation, why would you want to believe in some divine creature that watches over you?”

Hyungwon smiled at that because it once again reminded him of the differences between the two of them.

"Because it's emotional," he replied and brushed over Hoseok's soft cheek. "You can know rationally that nothing will happen to you, but still you might be scared. Belief keeps me from that, it's the same irrationality that can scare, but I use it to give me comfort. I have spent so many nights praying and talking to the entity watching me, that it gives me security, no matter if it is rational or not. Does that make sense to you?"

“No,” Hoseok replied quietly. ‘“But I really want to understand because it drives me crazy that there is this huge part of you that I can’t access. To me it’s not logical and you are a reasonable person, but still you believe and I can’t wrap my head around it. What if you leave me because you think that’s what your god wants or something? I think the thought that there is some kind of third party makes me uncomfortable.”

_Leave him because of that? As if you could ever do that._

"But it's like a feeling of presence, Hoseok. It doesn't tell me anything and those that claim that it does are what you dislike so much about religion. I don't expect this feeling to have rules and regulations and it does nothing beyond giving me a feeling of support. It's the belief that things aren't arbitrary in this world and have a purpose. It's calming because then it doesn't feel like I am here for nothing, you know?" Hoseok looked so concerned, so he hugged him again and kissed his lips briefly. "What I understood after meeting you is that all those people who try to share enlightenment with others weren't able to do so. All of them might have found a path for themselves, but that's not applicable to everybody. My belief means that I'm trying to find my own path and I am convinced that you are a part of it. I know that you belong with me and whether you believe or not is your choice."

Hyungwon hadn't even been able to stay away from Hoseok when he believed he would die as a consequence, so how could his faith alone be reason enough to let go of Hoseok?

“I think I struggle to see it in a positive light because of how you have been suffering all this time, thinking that you are doing something wrong by wanting me. I have only seen the way it makes you miserable, not how it helps you or gives you support.” Hoseok fumbled with the collar of his shirt as he spoke, looking a bit hesitant.

Hyungwon nodded to show that he understood and pulled his boyfriend closer, tracing the shape of his collarbone with his fingertips.

"But that is because you put my faith and religion into the same equation. I suffered from rules that were taught to me through religion. I believed that in order to fulfill my purpose in life I need a wife and children and follow the teachings. But that's not true, at least not for me. Maybe for somebody else it's the right path, but I understood that it's not for me. I need to find my own and what faith gives me is the conviction that there is a path. I only need to find it." He smiled and let his fingers trace Hoseok's jaw before caressing the shell of his ear. "When I thought that I was going mad because of all the pretense, my faith helped me too. I remembered that there was no judgment, only observation, the same thoughts that helped me as a child when I had heart problems and my parents thought I was going to die because of their mistakes. Whenever something bad happened... praying and talking to that entity helped me. Maybe it's like writing a diary, only that it feels like somebody cares enough to read it without judging you for it."

Hoseok listened and nodded briefly before taking his hand and placing a kiss on top of it. “I won’t lie and tell you that I understand you completely, but if this is an important part of you, I have to and I want to respect it, just like you respect the fact that I do not believe or have faith. Is it okay for you to be with somebody who doesn’t?” Hoseok looked serious and in thought as he held onto his hand and waited for his reply.

_You never liked the idea of forcing beliefs onto another person. It has always been about your own choices._

"Of course. What you believe in is your choice and I don't need you to have faith to know that you are the person for me." Smiling, he brushed over the round cheeks and leaned in to connect their lips, focusing on how easily his own gave in to the pressure. "I'm still not sure myself if I want to continue acting the way I have been taught or if my faith is enough for me. The church makes me feel excluded, especially with the way my father looked at both of us last weekend. I… don't want to be part of a church that rejects the person I love."

“For me it was new too because I grew up being surrounded by people who knew about my sexuality and accepted me the way I am and if they didn’t, I didn’t talk or interact with them in any way. Right now I can’t because it’s your family, so it feels a little bitter. But then again, if I feel bitter, how bad must you feel about it. I shouldn’t be complaining really. My mom said I should be more tolerant too, so I’m trying.” Hoseok sat up and rubbed his palms over his thighs, glancing at him nervously. It was so unlike Hoseok.

"But you have every right to feel bitter. My father had always preached about acceptance and didn't say a bad word about homosexuality, but now that it's me, he's suddenly a different person." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek because he felt sorry for Hoseok. His boyfriend's family was perfectly accepting and even offered him to stay with them if things got rough, whereas his father pretended that they weren't there most of the time. "Is that why you seem so nervous? Because of my family? You don't have to interact with them if you don't want to. I'm… not sure if the situation will change, but my grandma also offered her support already. I'm sure it will be fine."

“No, I think you are the one who is suffering from that the most. I actually wanted to ask something else.” Hoseok exhaled sharply and let his eyes flutter shut for a second before opening them and staring right at him. “Do you… like your dorm room?"

"W-what?" Hyungwon was utterly dumbfounded by the question and looked around briefly. "Ehm- it was the cheapest option to not feel bad about moving out of my parents' house. I wanted to get away from the restrictions because I knew that something was off, so I tried to be… 'more normal' by moving out. If that makes sense. It's nice for that purpose and not a lot to clean either."

_Why is he asking you that? Does he dislike it?_

“Would you mind moving out? Somewhere else? A small apartment or something?” Hoseok was acting weird, fumbling with the rips on his thighs and staring at him as if he expected something terrible to happen.

"No? I obviously wouldn't mind if I wasn't a broke student that earned 400 bucks a month with tutoring." He sighed and strategically left out that he donated part of that because his parents paid the dorm room. Hoseok must have disliked coming to the tiny place compared to his parents' huge apartment.

Hoseok let out a hum and glanced to the side before returning his gaze to his face. “I thought maybe we could both move in together into a small apartment next to the uni, there is one I found that’s not expensive and really cute, I guess.”

_He wants to move in with you?_

"That- that would be amazing," he muttered, not believing how obvious his own excitement was as his heart hammered in his ears. Only two months ago he had been terrified of having to move in with somebody at the end of his studies, but here he was, excited to do it as soon as possible. Because it was Hoseok.

_But what about his parents? It must be expensive for him._

"But- would that be okay for you? How much is it and can we afford it? I could ask my parents if they are willing to give the money for the dorm room towards the apartment, but I don't know." Now it was his turn to be nervous, fumbling with his hands because the idea seemed amazing but he feared that he didn't have enough money to pull it off. "What about your parents? Are they okay with you leaving? You said it was symbiotic. I looked it up. It means mutually beneficial."

"It would be the same that you're paying for your dorm right now and I would pay the other half. My parents… It feels sad and strange, but at the same time, it doesn't make me want it less. I will miss them and I don't know how it will be because I've never lived with someone else, but you have done so much during the past few months to be with me, so trying to take a step towards you is the least I can do. I want to do it if you want to do it too." Hoseok crawled closer and reached for his hand placing a kiss on top of his fingers. The gesture reminded Hyungwon of the time he thought Hoseok was asking for his hand in marriage and he blushed a little.

_Because this is the first step towards it, living together._

"I'd love to live with you," he whispered, too scared to say it out loud in case he had misunderstood and was imagining things. "We could visit them regularly. The way… the way I have with mine. We could take the dogs out together and spend time with our families before returning to it being just the two of us."

"You know that I told my mom that I would marry you if I had to and she scolded me really badly saying that I'm a selfish brat and I realized that she was right because I was fake brave announcing things even though I keep living with my parents and nothing has changed for me. That made me think a lot and although I really like living at home, I need to take a step forward to show you, to my family and to myself that I'm not only good at talking. I got a job too. I will be tutoring the first years in biology, so we will have some more income. I will give my best, I promise," Hoseok whispered and rubbed his cheek against his hand, round eyes watching him with a hint of hesitation that Hyungwon had been looking for since the first time they’d met.

"Hoseok, are you doing all these things because you feel like you aren't giving me enough or because you really want to live with me?" It felt rough to doubt Hoseok after seeing the vulnerable expression on his boyfriend's face, but he didn't want Hoseok to do anything he might regret. He was happy for as long as they were together and working in addition to studying could be exhausting. "Tutoring will be a lot of work and I don't want to take your financial freedom, simply because I want to see your face when I wake up."

A smile spread the pink cheeks and Hoseok shook his head before looking at him again. "I guess it looks like it because I'm nervous. I thought about it for quite some time, it was just never this specific and planned out. You're the only person that was left to talk this through, that's why I'm hesitating. I don't know if you want to live with me and I don't know if it seems too rushed to you, but it's something that I really want to do. In addition, I quit smoking, so you can consider me rich now."

Hyungwon's eyes widened at that announcement, instantly reminding him that the scent of smoke was missing when he opened the door.

_He really means it, Hyungwon._

"Hoseok, I-" he chuckled because the question whether he wanted this seemed almost ridiculous to him. "I kept wishing that you will be the first thing I see after death, so what makes you think that I wouldn't want your face to be there every single day when I wake up?"

"I don't know. Because I'm puffy and my lips are twice the size after sleep?" The familiar expression returned to the beautiful face as Hoseok glanced at his watch and tugged at his wrist. "If we hurry up we will be on time to look at the apartment. Let's go."

He couldn't help a laugh, not even surprised by the fact that Hoseok had planned everything no matter what his response might have been. His body felt light like a feather when he got up from the bed and slipped into his shoes, scarf, and coat. When his eyes passed over his coat hanger, they fell on a simple, bright red hat resting on the top.

Lips spread in a smile, he grabbed it and turned towards Hoseok before covering most of the brown hair with the woolen fabric.

Smiling brightly, Hoseok wrapped his arms around him and placed a kiss on his lips. "Do you know what my brain can do best?" the low voice asked accompanied by Hoseok's signature grin.

"What?" he asked back, keeping their lips connected for a little longer before brushing their noses together instead.

"Make you happy," Hoseok whispered and placed a kiss on top of his nose.

There was no need to reply because it was the truth. Since the first day they met, no matter how devastated Hyungwon had felt over the course of their relationship, in the end, the reason for his happiness had always been the man in front of him. Hoseok had pulled him from the confinement he built around himself, given him the confidence to act on his feelings and was also the one who took the next step to allow them to be together.

They left the confinement of his dorm room, walking past the big kitchen where a student was cooking ramen and glanced at them briefly, down the stairs and into the freezing cold. The warmth in his chest and the delicate fingers that held onto his hand made him feel like flying, so he looked up, mouthing a brief thank you before looking at the person who made him want to breathe again.

'Thank you,' he mouthed again when the round black eyes met his.


End file.
